Decisions, Decisions
Well... I've done a lot of soul searching and I've decided on a few things.
I'm going to temporarily stop my flight training. :(
It's just too much stress, time, sadness, and energy. I have to admit... I *am* a much better pilot since my training at ER started, but at what cost? Flying isn't fun... it feels like a chore. Every time I go up, I have to brace myself for constant negative reinforcement with very very little positive reinforcement. I always feel like I'm not "good enough" whenever I'm training, and I've been passed around so many instructors and I've been held back so many times for no good reason that I've decided that enough is enough. And this checkride was just the catalyst I needed to come to that conclusion.
I don't blame ER. I just think that ER has the kind of training that I have to concentrate all my efforts on, not just half of my efforts. It's expensive, tough, and slow... but it works... but I don't think I can hope to do my master's (and *try* to get into the PhD program) while flying.
I've repeatedly had people tell me that I should just pick one thing to do. Trouble is... not only have I already spent 100 grand on this (and have to pay back plus interest!), but I would feel like all my efforts for the past 4 years would have been in vain if I couldn't make something of it. It's true that I don't know what I can do at the moment that would be inclusive of all my skills... but I couldn't put down any of the things I love for long... teaching, physics, and flying. They are, frankly, necessary components of my happiness and I truly truly believe that I can make a contribution in each of these fields... Even if I don't see a way to do it now, I don't think that I want to let any of these things go.
But for now, at least, I can't do flying here at ER. It's world-class, sure, but I want to put this down, concentrate on my other things (which is still considerable, mind you!) and just deal with my future of flying later. When I get my SE add-on, I will be considered a "professional" in the field. After working so long and hard for that, I don't think I could live with myself without doing *something* with it. Also, I'm feeling so frustrated and emotional about my flight training that I don't think I can make a reasonable judgement about what to do about this sort of thing at the moment. Perhaps it is best if I put it down for a year... and see how I feel about it then. I have the feeling that I'd want to continue, but perhaps somewhere other then ER... or at least at their other campus in Arizona. Daytona has been... unkind to me. :( But for whatever the reason, I think that I might be better equipped to think about this when I'm not as strained and I have my master's in tow.
Even so, putting it down temporarily makes me feel terrible. I'm losing something very important to me.
I keep telling myself that the bad things that happened to me in the past I eventually made into something much much better. The more pessimistic side tells me that it was just dumb luck and I shouldn't count on anything better coming along--just cut my losses and run. The more optimistic side of me tells me that it was inevitable because missed opportunities just means that you can line yourself up for even *better* opportunities.
Honestly, right now I don't know which one to believe.
Blah... blah, blah, blah, blah. :(
I'm going to temporarily stop my flight training. :(
It's just too much stress, time, sadness, and energy. I have to admit... I *am* a much better pilot since my training at ER started, but at what cost? Flying isn't fun... it feels like a chore. Every time I go up, I have to brace myself for constant negative reinforcement with very very little positive reinforcement. I always feel like I'm not "good enough" whenever I'm training, and I've been passed around so many instructors and I've been held back so many times for no good reason that I've decided that enough is enough. And this checkride was just the catalyst I needed to come to that conclusion.
I don't blame ER. I just think that ER has the kind of training that I have to concentrate all my efforts on, not just half of my efforts. It's expensive, tough, and slow... but it works... but I don't think I can hope to do my master's (and *try* to get into the PhD program) while flying.
I've repeatedly had people tell me that I should just pick one thing to do. Trouble is... not only have I already spent 100 grand on this (and have to pay back plus interest!), but I would feel like all my efforts for the past 4 years would have been in vain if I couldn't make something of it. It's true that I don't know what I can do at the moment that would be inclusive of all my skills... but I couldn't put down any of the things I love for long... teaching, physics, and flying. They are, frankly, necessary components of my happiness and I truly truly believe that I can make a contribution in each of these fields... Even if I don't see a way to do it now, I don't think that I want to let any of these things go.
But for now, at least, I can't do flying here at ER. It's world-class, sure, but I want to put this down, concentrate on my other things (which is still considerable, mind you!) and just deal with my future of flying later. When I get my SE add-on, I will be considered a "professional" in the field. After working so long and hard for that, I don't think I could live with myself without doing *something* with it. Also, I'm feeling so frustrated and emotional about my flight training that I don't think I can make a reasonable judgement about what to do about this sort of thing at the moment. Perhaps it is best if I put it down for a year... and see how I feel about it then. I have the feeling that I'd want to continue, but perhaps somewhere other then ER... or at least at their other campus in Arizona. Daytona has been... unkind to me. :( But for whatever the reason, I think that I might be better equipped to think about this when I'm not as strained and I have my master's in tow.
Even so, putting it down temporarily makes me feel terrible. I'm losing something very important to me.
I keep telling myself that the bad things that happened to me in the past I eventually made into something much much better. The more pessimistic side tells me that it was just dumb luck and I shouldn't count on anything better coming along--just cut my losses and run. The more optimistic side of me tells me that it was inevitable because missed opportunities just means that you can line yourself up for even *better* opportunities.
Honestly, right now I don't know which one to believe.
Blah... blah, blah, blah, blah. :(