FIC: Dry, With a Twist
Title: Dry, With a Twist
Author: Amy (alexia@innergeekdom.net)
Fandoms: Sports Night/Grey's Anatomy
Rating: PG
Summary: Lessons in how not to pick up a lesbian.
Notes: musesfool gets both blame for the idea (and the title) and thanks for the beta help. Also, this got less... happy than I'd expected. Um, sorry.
Also. Some people like warnings for adultery. This fic includes Grey's Anatomy, pre-show. So. Um. Dude. Adultery. Warnings. Hi.
1,797 words
"So I'm thinking of becoming a lesbian," the attractive red-haired woman Dan was about to hit on said. "And I was wondering if you could help me."
Dan realized hitting on her probably wouldn't be a good idea, and telling her he'd made more than one woman switch teams would probably get him punched. "Hi," he said instead.
"Sorry," she said. "It's just that you're obviously single at a nice bar, and you're looking for a woman to hit on, so I figured I'd get some advice on how you do it."
"Hit on lesbians?"
"Yes."
"I do seem to be good at that."
"Have you hit on many lesbians in the past?"
"Before or after they formally declared?"
"After."
"Then you would be the first."
"I guess you'll have to keep hitting on me to know, then." She sipped her martini. "Go on. You can continue."
"So you are a lesbian."
"No."
"Just thinking of hitting on one."
"Well, I'm married."
"If I just nod, will you believe I understand what you're talking about?"
"Not now." She held out a hand. Perfectly manicured nails. "Addison."
"Dan."
"Rydell. From Sports Night."
"You watch the show?"
"I work at the hospital." She gestured vaguely, in the direction of the hospital. "I saw you there."
"Oh."
"Soccer injury, huh?"
"Most dangerous sport in the world."
"Except for archery."
"They don't have celebrity archery tournaments for children's charities."
"What position was he playing?"
"He wasn't."
"Bench?"
"Reporting from."
"He got injured reporting on a game?"
"Most dangerous sport in the world."
"You can say that twice."
"I actually did."
Addison smiled tightly.
"So you're a lesbian married doctor," Dan said. "How's that working out for you?"
"Well, I've already met my second sports news anchor of the day from it, so clearly not that badly."
"Casey was your first?"
"You never forget your first."
"Who are you married to?"
"Does that really matter?"
"Does he know you're becoming a lesbian?"
"We were going to discuss it."
"And yet you're here picking up lesbians."
"Technically, you're picking up lesbians. I'm picking up a martini."
"But you're not a lesbian yet."
"I'm looking into it."
"Why'd you decide to become a lesbian?"
"Men are scum."
"Your husband?"
"And my boyfriend."
"You're that kind of lesbian."
"Looks like."
"And you're comfortable around all those vaginas?"
"I'm a neonatal surgeon."
"You must feel very comfortable then."
"It's like coming home."
"Back to the womb, even."
"Maybe you were the wrong person to ask for advice with women."
"Was that another reference to Casey? Because really, we're just friends."
"You have women friends, right?"
"I've even slept with some, on occasion."
"You were waiting outside his room like you were his wife."
"Well, she couldn't be there."
"He's married?"
"Ex. Lisa. They've got a kid."
"You're a good friend, Dan."
He shrugged. "Someone had to be there."
"So what are you doing here then?"
"Visiting hours are over."
"But what are you doing here?"
"Getting drunk," he said. "Trying to forget about Casey's..."
"Nose job?" Addison smiled a little. "It's just cosmetic surgery."
"He broke his nose."
"And now they're making it better."
"And if I drink enough, I'll forget that bones in his face were seriously displaced."
"Do you love him?" she asked, sounding less judgmental than curious.
"He's my best friend. He'd do the same thing for me."
"If I were planning on cheating on my husband with a man besides Mark? It would totally be you."
"Mark?"
"Your friend's doctor."
"The plastic surgeon."
"You're sleeping with him?"
She smiled, kind of wryly, and finished the martini, which was as good an answer as any.
"And yet you think you're a lesbian."
Addison ignored the comment. "Mark has a girlfriend. She's nice. A really pretty girl."
"And you're sleeping with him anyway."
"He's not Derek," Addison said, "and she's not me."
Dan didn't have anything to say, so he didn't. He watched the bartender bring her another martini, watched her sip it slowly. Her lips were chapped.
"Who did you hit on before she declared?" Addison asked.
"What?"
"You asked me before or after."
"I did, didn't I."
"Unless I'm already far, far drunker than I thought."
"I can't vouch for that."
"Dan Rydell," she said, shaking her head. "I should get your signature. It would kill my husband."
"You want the signature of the guy who thinks he's picking up a lesbian for your husband. Who you're cheating on with the surgeon who's fixing my best friend's nose."
"Say it like that, and it sounds almost crazy."
"I was going to sleep with the love of my best friend's life until she decided she was a lesbian," Dan offered half-heartedly.
"Seriously?" Addison asked.
"Seriously."
She nudged her martini towards him. "Are you sure you're not the one who needs a drink?"
"I think she's just experimenting. She kissed Natalie a few times, said it was softer."
"Girls are like that."
"So you've got practical lesbian experience on your resume?"
"I saw some lesbian porn. It looked softer."
"Oh, lesbian porn." Dan shook his head wistfully. "You know, if you're ever looking for a straight guy to watch you and check your technique..."
"Please." But she was smiling. "I don't even know where to find a girl to perfect technique with, never mind work with an audience. That's where you were going to help me, remember?"
"I don't require much work. Really, we'll find a girl, you'll just go to town. I'll applaud at key moments."
"Your friend probably knows more about lesbians than I do, sadly." Addison shook her head, shook the martini glass. "I am not really drunk enough to discuss lesbian sex with a stranger, am I?" She laughed shortly. It wasn't a pretty sound, and yet it was erotic as hell.
"I can get you another martini, if it might help," Dan offered.
"Is that how you pick up girls?" Addison shook her head. "Offer them drinks til they can't help but fall for your charm?"
"It's a tried and true tradition."
"Should I do that?" She sounded half-sincere, even. "Buy martinis for the next woman to walk in here until she forgets she's straight?"
"I've found it works for me. Although I usually have to convince them they are straight, but why quibble?"
"Dare me," she said.
"What?"
She came in close. He could smell the liquor on her breath. "Pretend we're twelve-year-old girls at a lunch table in junior high," she said slowly, "and dare me."
She was all contrasts, suddenly, everything washed away but her dark eyeliner and red lipstick, and Dan realized he was dying to know if her hair color was natural or not. "What are the stakes?" he asked.
"Dare me to try to pick up the next woman who walks into the bar."
"If you win?"
"I have a date."
"And if you don't?"
"You'll have a date too."
"You're asking me out if you lose the bet?"
"It's better than an outright rejection, isn't it?"
"I think maybe we should stop with the martinis," Dan said.
"Are you not daring me?" She squinted. "Because for the record, I would take it. In fact, I think I'm going to." Her chair was the kind that spun in a circle, creaking with age, and she twirled towards the door.
And, right on cue, Dana walked in.
She looked tired- and why not? She'd been in with Casey as much as Dan had been- but she was still... Dana. She was still Dana, and her face still lit up when she saw Dan, and like she didn't even notice the woman sitting next to him (would it have mattered if she had?) she headed over towards him like he was the only person in the bar.
"Man," Addison muttered. "This martini thing works better than I'd thought."
"Dana," Dan said quickly. "Addison. Addison, Dana."
Dana blinked at Addison, like she hadn't noticed another person at the table. "Hi."
"Are you Dan's friend?" Addison asked. "Dan's les-"
"Dana," Dan interrupted, "works with me and Casey at Sports Night. Addison is- let me see if I get this right- having an affair with the doctor who fixed Casey's nose."
"Also, I'm trying to have a one-night stand with an attractive woman," Addison added. "Would you like a martini? On me."
Dana looked confused. Dan didn't blame her.
They'd done this hundreds of times, thousands of times, at every bar he could name and a few he couldn't. But it wasn't supposed to be Addison there with them, flirting harmlessly, knowing he could go home with either of them if she wanted. It was supposed to be Casey.
Maybe Addison could do it- maybe, he realized, Dana could do it. But Dan couldn't.
Addison bought them a round of drinks, and then another, and who's going to turn down free drinks? It turned out, around the third drink for each of them- well, for him, but already by the second for Dana, and thank god no one was playing Boogie Shoes at the time- that Addison's arguments kind of almost made sense.
Which somehow meant that Dan got a good, long moment watching Dana and Addison kiss. They were sloppy and drunk, but they were kissing. And then, unless Dan was drunk enough to be making this up- which was entirely possible- there was some drunken fondling going on, too. If Casey hadn't gotten hit in the face during a soccer match, it would have been the best day ever.
If Casey weren't such a good friend, Dan wouldn't have even cared.
"You were totally right," Addison said. Her lips were less bright red now. Dana's were more. "Martinis. Girls. Good plan."
"Glad I could help," Dan said.
"Do you want--" she said, and the offer was to Dan as much as it was to Dana. "Not my place. Derek's... Not my place. But do you want--?"
He glanced at Dana. She smiled, almost, a smile that didn't quite meet her eyes.
She missed him too.
"Maybe after his nose is better," Dan said.
"Derek's?" Addison asked.
"Casey's," Dana said.
They got her a cab home. She thanked them. She looked almost sheepish. Maybe she was as bad at picking up lesbians as Dan was. She was definitely as lonely as he was. "Mark's good," she said before she left. "Really, really good." And then she was gone.
He looked at Dana for a long, long time.
"We should go," she said finally. "Busy day tomorrow."
"The show?" Dan asked. "I don't think-"
"No." Dana said sharply. "Sally can handle that." And then, softer, "I meant here."
Dan nodded. "Want to meet for breakfast?"
Dana's smile was more tired than anything else. "I'd like that."
Author: Amy (alexia@innergeekdom.net)
Fandoms: Sports Night/Grey's Anatomy
Rating: PG
Summary: Lessons in how not to pick up a lesbian.
Notes: musesfool gets both blame for the idea (and the title) and thanks for the beta help. Also, this got less... happy than I'd expected. Um, sorry.
Also. Some people like warnings for adultery. This fic includes Grey's Anatomy, pre-show. So. Um. Dude. Adultery. Warnings. Hi.
1,797 words
"So I'm thinking of becoming a lesbian," the attractive red-haired woman Dan was about to hit on said. "And I was wondering if you could help me."
Dan realized hitting on her probably wouldn't be a good idea, and telling her he'd made more than one woman switch teams would probably get him punched. "Hi," he said instead.
"Sorry," she said. "It's just that you're obviously single at a nice bar, and you're looking for a woman to hit on, so I figured I'd get some advice on how you do it."
"Hit on lesbians?"
"Yes."
"I do seem to be good at that."
"Have you hit on many lesbians in the past?"
"Before or after they formally declared?"
"After."
"Then you would be the first."
"I guess you'll have to keep hitting on me to know, then." She sipped her martini. "Go on. You can continue."
"So you are a lesbian."
"No."
"Just thinking of hitting on one."
"Well, I'm married."
"If I just nod, will you believe I understand what you're talking about?"
"Not now." She held out a hand. Perfectly manicured nails. "Addison."
"Dan."
"Rydell. From Sports Night."
"You watch the show?"
"I work at the hospital." She gestured vaguely, in the direction of the hospital. "I saw you there."
"Oh."
"Soccer injury, huh?"
"Most dangerous sport in the world."
"Except for archery."
"They don't have celebrity archery tournaments for children's charities."
"What position was he playing?"
"He wasn't."
"Bench?"
"Reporting from."
"He got injured reporting on a game?"
"Most dangerous sport in the world."
"You can say that twice."
"I actually did."
Addison smiled tightly.
"So you're a lesbian married doctor," Dan said. "How's that working out for you?"
"Well, I've already met my second sports news anchor of the day from it, so clearly not that badly."
"Casey was your first?"
"You never forget your first."
"Who are you married to?"
"Does that really matter?"
"Does he know you're becoming a lesbian?"
"We were going to discuss it."
"And yet you're here picking up lesbians."
"Technically, you're picking up lesbians. I'm picking up a martini."
"But you're not a lesbian yet."
"I'm looking into it."
"Why'd you decide to become a lesbian?"
"Men are scum."
"Your husband?"
"And my boyfriend."
"You're that kind of lesbian."
"Looks like."
"And you're comfortable around all those vaginas?"
"I'm a neonatal surgeon."
"You must feel very comfortable then."
"It's like coming home."
"Back to the womb, even."
"Maybe you were the wrong person to ask for advice with women."
"Was that another reference to Casey? Because really, we're just friends."
"You have women friends, right?"
"I've even slept with some, on occasion."
"You were waiting outside his room like you were his wife."
"Well, she couldn't be there."
"He's married?"
"Ex. Lisa. They've got a kid."
"You're a good friend, Dan."
He shrugged. "Someone had to be there."
"So what are you doing here then?"
"Visiting hours are over."
"But what are you doing here?"
"Getting drunk," he said. "Trying to forget about Casey's..."
"Nose job?" Addison smiled a little. "It's just cosmetic surgery."
"He broke his nose."
"And now they're making it better."
"And if I drink enough, I'll forget that bones in his face were seriously displaced."
"Do you love him?" she asked, sounding less judgmental than curious.
"He's my best friend. He'd do the same thing for me."
"If I were planning on cheating on my husband with a man besides Mark? It would totally be you."
"Mark?"
"Your friend's doctor."
"The plastic surgeon."
"You're sleeping with him?"
She smiled, kind of wryly, and finished the martini, which was as good an answer as any.
"And yet you think you're a lesbian."
Addison ignored the comment. "Mark has a girlfriend. She's nice. A really pretty girl."
"And you're sleeping with him anyway."
"He's not Derek," Addison said, "and she's not me."
Dan didn't have anything to say, so he didn't. He watched the bartender bring her another martini, watched her sip it slowly. Her lips were chapped.
"Who did you hit on before she declared?" Addison asked.
"What?"
"You asked me before or after."
"I did, didn't I."
"Unless I'm already far, far drunker than I thought."
"I can't vouch for that."
"Dan Rydell," she said, shaking her head. "I should get your signature. It would kill my husband."
"You want the signature of the guy who thinks he's picking up a lesbian for your husband. Who you're cheating on with the surgeon who's fixing my best friend's nose."
"Say it like that, and it sounds almost crazy."
"I was going to sleep with the love of my best friend's life until she decided she was a lesbian," Dan offered half-heartedly.
"Seriously?" Addison asked.
"Seriously."
She nudged her martini towards him. "Are you sure you're not the one who needs a drink?"
"I think she's just experimenting. She kissed Natalie a few times, said it was softer."
"Girls are like that."
"So you've got practical lesbian experience on your resume?"
"I saw some lesbian porn. It looked softer."
"Oh, lesbian porn." Dan shook his head wistfully. "You know, if you're ever looking for a straight guy to watch you and check your technique..."
"Please." But she was smiling. "I don't even know where to find a girl to perfect technique with, never mind work with an audience. That's where you were going to help me, remember?"
"I don't require much work. Really, we'll find a girl, you'll just go to town. I'll applaud at key moments."
"Your friend probably knows more about lesbians than I do, sadly." Addison shook her head, shook the martini glass. "I am not really drunk enough to discuss lesbian sex with a stranger, am I?" She laughed shortly. It wasn't a pretty sound, and yet it was erotic as hell.
"I can get you another martini, if it might help," Dan offered.
"Is that how you pick up girls?" Addison shook her head. "Offer them drinks til they can't help but fall for your charm?"
"It's a tried and true tradition."
"Should I do that?" She sounded half-sincere, even. "Buy martinis for the next woman to walk in here until she forgets she's straight?"
"I've found it works for me. Although I usually have to convince them they are straight, but why quibble?"
"Dare me," she said.
"What?"
She came in close. He could smell the liquor on her breath. "Pretend we're twelve-year-old girls at a lunch table in junior high," she said slowly, "and dare me."
She was all contrasts, suddenly, everything washed away but her dark eyeliner and red lipstick, and Dan realized he was dying to know if her hair color was natural or not. "What are the stakes?" he asked.
"Dare me to try to pick up the next woman who walks into the bar."
"If you win?"
"I have a date."
"And if you don't?"
"You'll have a date too."
"You're asking me out if you lose the bet?"
"It's better than an outright rejection, isn't it?"
"I think maybe we should stop with the martinis," Dan said.
"Are you not daring me?" She squinted. "Because for the record, I would take it. In fact, I think I'm going to." Her chair was the kind that spun in a circle, creaking with age, and she twirled towards the door.
And, right on cue, Dana walked in.
She looked tired- and why not? She'd been in with Casey as much as Dan had been- but she was still... Dana. She was still Dana, and her face still lit up when she saw Dan, and like she didn't even notice the woman sitting next to him (would it have mattered if she had?) she headed over towards him like he was the only person in the bar.
"Man," Addison muttered. "This martini thing works better than I'd thought."
"Dana," Dan said quickly. "Addison. Addison, Dana."
Dana blinked at Addison, like she hadn't noticed another person at the table. "Hi."
"Are you Dan's friend?" Addison asked. "Dan's les-"
"Dana," Dan interrupted, "works with me and Casey at Sports Night. Addison is- let me see if I get this right- having an affair with the doctor who fixed Casey's nose."
"Also, I'm trying to have a one-night stand with an attractive woman," Addison added. "Would you like a martini? On me."
Dana looked confused. Dan didn't blame her.
They'd done this hundreds of times, thousands of times, at every bar he could name and a few he couldn't. But it wasn't supposed to be Addison there with them, flirting harmlessly, knowing he could go home with either of them if she wanted. It was supposed to be Casey.
Maybe Addison could do it- maybe, he realized, Dana could do it. But Dan couldn't.
Addison bought them a round of drinks, and then another, and who's going to turn down free drinks? It turned out, around the third drink for each of them- well, for him, but already by the second for Dana, and thank god no one was playing Boogie Shoes at the time- that Addison's arguments kind of almost made sense.
Which somehow meant that Dan got a good, long moment watching Dana and Addison kiss. They were sloppy and drunk, but they were kissing. And then, unless Dan was drunk enough to be making this up- which was entirely possible- there was some drunken fondling going on, too. If Casey hadn't gotten hit in the face during a soccer match, it would have been the best day ever.
If Casey weren't such a good friend, Dan wouldn't have even cared.
"You were totally right," Addison said. Her lips were less bright red now. Dana's were more. "Martinis. Girls. Good plan."
"Glad I could help," Dan said.
"Do you want--" she said, and the offer was to Dan as much as it was to Dana. "Not my place. Derek's... Not my place. But do you want--?"
He glanced at Dana. She smiled, almost, a smile that didn't quite meet her eyes.
She missed him too.
"Maybe after his nose is better," Dan said.
"Derek's?" Addison asked.
"Casey's," Dana said.
They got her a cab home. She thanked them. She looked almost sheepish. Maybe she was as bad at picking up lesbians as Dan was. She was definitely as lonely as he was. "Mark's good," she said before she left. "Really, really good." And then she was gone.
He looked at Dana for a long, long time.
"We should go," she said finally. "Busy day tomorrow."
"The show?" Dan asked. "I don't think-"
"No." Dana said sharply. "Sally can handle that." And then, softer, "I meant here."
Dan nodded. "Want to meet for breakfast?"
Dana's smile was more tired than anything else. "I'd like that."