But the witch was the only thing the bear could say things about, really, and as he talked on and on Gonzo got colder and colder, and for the first time started to wish that the policy against fur hadn't been quite so strict.
The bear finally seemed to notice that Gonzo was shaking, and insisted that he come back to his house. The bear had a nice little nook in a cave less than ten minutes from where the wardrobe had been, with a sign outside the door declaring his name (FOZZIE) and a teddy bear lying in one corner where Gonzo was pretty sure he must have slept.
"Is this where you hibernate?" Gonzo asked.
"I used to," the bear replied. "But here it is always winter and never Christmas, and after a while it's hard to fall back asleep."
"Never Christmas?" Gonzo repeated. "But that's awful. Christmas is the best part of winter! When do you get to eat figgy pudding?"
"Always winter," he agreed. "Never Christmas."
"And Santa Claus stands for that?"
"Father Christmas," Fozzie said stiffly, "doesn't have a choice in what the Witch proclaims."
"Witch?" Gonzo said again.
"There's just the one," the bear said.
"One what?"
"No, one witch."
"One which what?"
"Not what, witch."
"Which witch?"
"The white witch."
"Third base," Gonzo muttered sourly.
But Fozzie's cave was cozy, and while they bat the phrases back and forth there was honey enough for the two of them, and although the bear was more confusing than anyone else Gonzo had ever met, he had to admit he liked the bear kind of a lot. He felt comfortable around him. Safe.
"So are you a son of Adam?" Fozzie asked, almost conversationally.
"I don't know who I'm a son of," Gonzo admitted. "I'm pretty much just a Whatever."
"What's a whatever?"
"Which?"
"The Witch isn't a Whatever, she's a Witch!"
"I'm not a Witch, I'm a Muppet!"
Fozzie's eyes grew til they closer resembled saucers than ping-pong balls. "You're a Muppet?"
"Sure. Haven't you heard of us? We've done a few movies."
"A real Muppet?"
"I know Kermit himself," Gonzo boasted. "We were playing Hide and Seek just this morning! Before I came here, of course."
"How many of you are there?" the bear asked.
"Playing the game? Just four."
"Four of you," Fozzie said softy.
"Not four of ME," Gonzo said. "A frog and a pig and a prawn and a me."
"A prawn?"
The word sounded strange on Fozzie's lips, like he'd never heard of one before. "Here," Gonzo said, "I'll show you." And he reached into his pocket, pulled out a wallet, and started leafing through for the right picture.
As he did, he missed the look on Fozzie's face, which might have assured him that there were more important things to be doing at that moment than finding a photograph of Pepe to show his new friend.
You never really knew exactly what was going on in Gonzo's mind, but usually you could at least come close.
Right now, though, Kermit was pretty much stumped.
"Gonzo," he said patiently, "there's nothing in the wardrobe."
"Come out of the closet, you guys, okay?" Pepe asked, and chortled at his own joke. "Seriously, Gonzo, it's a good joke, but -- "
"It's not a joke!" Gonzo said once more. He was getting tired of repeating himself.
"Of course it isn't," Piggy said, winking not-too-subtly at Pepe and Kermit and serving only to make Gonzo scowl at her. "I think that Gonzo is just very tired and needs a bit of rest."
"Maybe it's mothballs," Kermit suggested. "They can be a real doozie if you breathe them in for too long, Gonzo. They'll do all kinds of things to you!"
"I'm telling you guys, I was in a forest!" Gonzo answered impatiently. "There was a bear, and he needed our help! They all did!"
Three pairs of Muppet eyes stared back at him blankly.
"I think he's crazy, okay?" Pepe said to Kermit at last.
Gonzo gave a frustrated cry and stomped out past the rest of them.
It is one thing to be a Muppet who has gone into a closet and found a whole new world, but it is entirely another to go into a closet, find a whole new world, and emerge to find that no one believes you.
This was, perhaps, why that night, when Gonzo couldn't sleep, he found himself padding through the halls again, intent on finding the wardrobe once again.
Unfortunately, Gonzo did not know the meaning of treading softly, so he shot himself out of a cannon, through several different walls, and arrived, in fact, a few doors down from where the wardrobe was located. He had to pick his way through the holes to the area where he could try again.
By shooting himself in that direction, he did not wake Piggy or Kermit, both of whom were asleep on the other end of the hall. Pepe, however, had awoken to see a fuzzy blue torpedo flying overhead, and he decided to investigate.
"Gonzo," he called as he stepped into the wardrobe. "I am here to see what you are looking at, okay?"
But the okay died on his lips, because instead of what he'd expected- which is to say, several ugly jackets meeting together at the back of the closet where there was probably a poster, or maybe some leftover props- he found snow, real snow, and the cold and wind to go with it.
Pepe was not a very big fan of cold weather. He had trudged a little way before not finding Gonzo, and had decided to go back to his nice warm bed and try get back to that dream about Angelina Jolie when he heard a sled coming. In fact, he had to dive out of the way lest it run him down.
"Hey!" he shouted as the sled went by. "Hey, I need some help, okay?"
The sled stopped, and the enormous thing who was pulling it turned towards him, apparently commanded by a slender white hand.
Well, he decided, he would hate to disappoint the lady by leaving so soon.
"Hello?" he called, and then squeaked, as the enormous bulk of the whatever-he-was squeezed him warningly.
"Don't talk to her!" he admonished.
"How dare you subject me to this treatment, okay?" Pepe said, as best he could, anyway. "I am a famous Muppet, and -- "
"A Muppet? Did you hear that, your Majesty?" the creature said, staring at the sled. "He said he was -- "
"Sweetums!" said a voice from the sled. "Bring him to me."
It is the sad truth of Sweetums's life that he can lift pretty much anyone or anything he wants, and thus is frequently ordered to do so. It is the sad truth of Pepe's life that even creatures who aren't giant and furry are able to pick him up and fling him whereever they so choose.
These two individual problems collided, as it were, as Sweetums passed him to the woman, who held him up by one of his four arms.
"Hey, watch the jacket, okay?" Pepe demanded. "Okay."
"How dare you try to order me to do anything." The woman was beautiful, clothed entirely in white, and it seemed like the very snow cloaking the forests dazzled the land just for her, and Pepe was about to argue but, upon seeing her, was able to do nothing but drool.
"I am the Queen of Narnia," she said.
"Yeah, and I'm the Jester of Mordor."
Her grip tightened on his arm, and all Pepe could think of was being served in a buffet at Red Lobster. He whimpered and quieted at once.
Her lips were bright red, and they curved into a smile. "Tell me who you are," she said. "And tell me why you have decided to invade my country."
The bear finally seemed to notice that Gonzo was shaking, and insisted that he come back to his house. The bear had a nice little nook in a cave less than ten minutes from where the wardrobe had been, with a sign outside the door declaring his name (FOZZIE) and a teddy bear lying in one corner where Gonzo was pretty sure he must have slept.
"Is this where you hibernate?" Gonzo asked.
"I used to," the bear replied. "But here it is always winter and never Christmas, and after a while it's hard to fall back asleep."
"Never Christmas?" Gonzo repeated. "But that's awful. Christmas is the best part of winter! When do you get to eat figgy pudding?"
"Always winter," he agreed. "Never Christmas."
"And Santa Claus stands for that?"
"Father Christmas," Fozzie said stiffly, "doesn't have a choice in what the Witch proclaims."
"Witch?" Gonzo said again.
"There's just the one," the bear said.
"One what?"
"No, one witch."
"One which what?"
"Not what, witch."
"Which witch?"
"The white witch."
"Third base," Gonzo muttered sourly.
But Fozzie's cave was cozy, and while they bat the phrases back and forth there was honey enough for the two of them, and although the bear was more confusing than anyone else Gonzo had ever met, he had to admit he liked the bear kind of a lot. He felt comfortable around him. Safe.
"So are you a son of Adam?" Fozzie asked, almost conversationally.
"I don't know who I'm a son of," Gonzo admitted. "I'm pretty much just a Whatever."
"What's a whatever?"
"Which?"
"The Witch isn't a Whatever, she's a Witch!"
"I'm not a Witch, I'm a Muppet!"
Fozzie's eyes grew til they closer resembled saucers than ping-pong balls. "You're a Muppet?"
"Sure. Haven't you heard of us? We've done a few movies."
"A real Muppet?"
"I know Kermit himself," Gonzo boasted. "We were playing Hide and Seek just this morning! Before I came here, of course."
"How many of you are there?" the bear asked.
"Playing the game? Just four."
"Four of you," Fozzie said softy.
"Not four of ME," Gonzo said. "A frog and a pig and a prawn and a me."
"A prawn?"
The word sounded strange on Fozzie's lips, like he'd never heard of one before. "Here," Gonzo said, "I'll show you." And he reached into his pocket, pulled out a wallet, and started leafing through for the right picture.
As he did, he missed the look on Fozzie's face, which might have assured him that there were more important things to be doing at that moment than finding a photograph of Pepe to show his new friend.
Reply
Right now, though, Kermit was pretty much stumped.
"Gonzo," he said patiently, "there's nothing in the wardrobe."
"Come out of the closet, you guys, okay?" Pepe asked, and chortled at his own joke. "Seriously, Gonzo, it's a good joke, but -- "
"It's not a joke!" Gonzo said once more. He was getting tired of repeating himself.
"Of course it isn't," Piggy said, winking not-too-subtly at Pepe and Kermit and serving only to make Gonzo scowl at her. "I think that Gonzo is just very tired and needs a bit of rest."
"Maybe it's mothballs," Kermit suggested. "They can be a real doozie if you breathe them in for too long, Gonzo. They'll do all kinds of things to you!"
"I'm telling you guys, I was in a forest!" Gonzo answered impatiently. "There was a bear, and he needed our help! They all did!"
Three pairs of Muppet eyes stared back at him blankly.
"I think he's crazy, okay?" Pepe said to Kermit at last.
Gonzo gave a frustrated cry and stomped out past the rest of them.
Reply
This was, perhaps, why that night, when Gonzo couldn't sleep, he found himself padding through the halls again, intent on finding the wardrobe once again.
Unfortunately, Gonzo did not know the meaning of treading softly, so he shot himself out of a cannon, through several different walls, and arrived, in fact, a few doors down from where the wardrobe was located. He had to pick his way through the holes to the area where he could try again.
By shooting himself in that direction, he did not wake Piggy or Kermit, both of whom were asleep on the other end of the hall. Pepe, however, had awoken to see a fuzzy blue torpedo flying overhead, and he decided to investigate.
"Gonzo," he called as he stepped into the wardrobe. "I am here to see what you are looking at, okay?"
But the okay died on his lips, because instead of what he'd expected- which is to say, several ugly jackets meeting together at the back of the closet where there was probably a poster, or maybe some leftover props- he found snow, real snow, and the cold and wind to go with it.
Reply
"Hey!" he shouted as the sled went by. "Hey, I need some help, okay?"
The sled stopped, and the enormous thing who was pulling it turned towards him, apparently commanded by a slender white hand.
Well, he decided, he would hate to disappoint the lady by leaving so soon.
"Hello?" he called, and then squeaked, as the enormous bulk of the whatever-he-was squeezed him warningly.
"Don't talk to her!" he admonished.
"How dare you subject me to this treatment, okay?" Pepe said, as best he could, anyway. "I am a famous Muppet, and -- "
"A Muppet? Did you hear that, your Majesty?" the creature said, staring at the sled. "He said he was -- "
"Sweetums!" said a voice from the sled. "Bring him to me."
Reply
These two individual problems collided, as it were, as Sweetums passed him to the woman, who held him up by one of his four arms.
"Hey, watch the jacket, okay?" Pepe demanded. "Okay."
"How dare you try to order me to do anything." The woman was beautiful, clothed entirely in white, and it seemed like the very snow cloaking the forests dazzled the land just for her, and Pepe was about to argue but, upon seeing her, was able to do nothing but drool.
"I am the Queen of Narnia," she said.
"Yeah, and I'm the Jester of Mordor."
Her grip tightened on his arm, and all Pepe could think of was being served in a buffet at Red Lobster. He whimpered and quieted at once.
Her lips were bright red, and they curved into a smile. "Tell me who you are," she said. "And tell me why you have decided to invade my country."
Reply
Leave a comment