An Arrow Into Darkness
I think that it's high-time that I sorted things out for myself. Ultimately, these recent times have been difficult for me to wade through because I always have my eyes focused on what lies ahead. The folly of this, is that if you keep yourself looking forward, you can easily lose sight of what you have now. And I have no intention of letting the present slip through my grasp. The danger in that is not worth the fleeting advantages one might gain from constantly fretting and planning.
I'm tired of fretting and planning. I'm in the market of doing now. Not I want to write, or I want to draw or I want to go back to school or I want to travel, but rather I am writing, I am drawing, I am going to go back to school and I am going to travel. The world seems to be simpler when you look at in scales of Do and Don't rather than Might or Mightn't.
I know that is all easier said than done, but I think the motivation to begin living that way is something momentous for me; It indicates the first of many, raw decisions.
The catalyst for many of this decisions is simply a matter of when Ashley is leaving for medical school, and the reason for that is straightforward. Either place she goes means a long-distance relationship and that I won't see her nearly as often as I have had the fortune of (even though I still don't see her remotely as often as I was able to when we were both still in school) and I would want to have the ability to spend as much time as I can with her in the days I would have left with her before she leaves. It's not that I want to belay my actions, but I don't want to regret spending my days doing something else and losing time with her. However, after due consideration, there are certainly some things that one should do without heeding notions of time or other obligations. In this case, I hope that traveling might provide me with some extent of personal insight and growth. Though, I have to admit, I'm afraid to do it alone.
I think I regret not taking a semester abroad. I know it might have cost a precious sum more than a 'typical' quarter of tuition, but I think the rewards earned for trailblazing outweigh the costs. Nevertheless, the past is written in ink. You can't change it--but you can strike it out, if you so choose. Fortunately, there are few lines in my past that I choose to strike out. Very few indeed.
With that said, I have been writing steadily for the past couple of weeks, after my determination to keep at it was resurrected. On an important note, I decided that it was not worth it for me to enroll in an MFA program. While I feel that I could benefit from the structured program, I know that I don't need the degree to be an excellent writer. This, I feel, is an important realization.
Also, I have been steadily drawing for a while (not as steadily as writing, however), and this is mainly channeled through my webcomic, Sigils. It's been a slow process, and I only have two completed comics as of now; still, I find a substantial feeling of accomplishment accompanies the completion of those two pieces. And, I have been eyeing a 3D animation program at a school in LA called Gnomon. However, my hesitation for this program stems from two points (and I hate that I am hesitant about it, because I am growing impatient with my hesitance over many things): (1) the program is in LA. I don't particularly want to live in LA (it's not my urban center of choice), though I know that if I found a job there and made some friends, it would make the transition more tolerable. (2) I'm not sure how well 3D animation suits me, mainly as I've never fully considered a career in the arts apart from my ages-ago desire to become a comic-book artist (ie. when I was in middle school) and I'm not sure how much of this desire stems from my romanticization of animated films from the guys at Pixar and Disney. I tend to do that a lot. Romanticize things. It comes from years of being a heedless optimist and retaining an overactive imagination (hey, I'm not complaining about the latter--it's done some wonders for me). Unfortunately, that means that whatever has captivated my imagination at the moment tends to monopolize my attention, whichs leaves me with the task of discerning between what is hopeless fantasy and what is actually my desire. I think this is what explains my overanalysis of important matters lately.
As a quick aside, I don't know why I have become hesitant after graduation. Prior to entering the real world, I was well-primed for making lightning quick decisions and simply going wherever I might be led to. Fortunately, this was always balanced by a prudent sense of judgment, but nowadays, I feel that this balance has become unnvervingly shifted to my disadvantage. I'm too hesitant. I'm not wading out and just doing so much as I am thinking and weighing the pros and cons. I need to get it into my head that if I want to make any personal progress in life, I have to move forward. I might move in the wrong direction, but at least then I would know it's the wrong direction. I need to stop worrying about potentially taking the wrong direction and just take a direction. It's better than stagnating and idling.
Now, I know that I am going to go back to school, it's simply a matter of figuring out what for. Lately, the desire to activate and use my intellect has become of severe importance for me (this likely stems from the fact that apart from reading, sudoku and the occasionaly debate with some of my friends) I have little to no intellectual stimulation in my life. It makes me feel tired, bored and a bit useless at times. I want to go back to school to get the gears of my mind rolling again. Fortunately, sticking to my writing has helped, but its also just whetted my apetite further. Now, going back to school could be fulfilled by the animation program I mentioned above (however, I must resolve my reservations about it), an MFA in creative writing, or by pursuing graduate study. In my mind, there are three things that I would like to study--though each has its hurdles to cross. A while ago, I had mentioned urban planning. I am still interested in this, but unfortunately, I have had no official exposure to the field, which leads me to question my interest in it to begin with. Then, there is medieval history. However, given the obscure specificity of the field, I have to wonder what I would do with it. And finally, and most likely, I would like to go back to study biology further. My intellectual malaise has even led me to give thoughtful consideration to doing research. Thus, I have considered going back to get my MS in biology--but what field? If that is the road, then it would still have to be organismal biology/ecology or perhaps something else. Fortunately, some of the chemists and biologists upstairs at my current place are keen to give me a tour, so now that everyone is back from the break, I am going to take them up on their offer and see what comes from that. Never hurts to open new doors.
So, in short, my brain is getting rusty and my motivation has been sedated by all of this inaction. Now is a time for action and doing, and I have to say that I'm pretty excited for the possibilities, whether they are successes or failures. At least they will still be counted as progress.
As for traveling, I am saving up money so that I can take a trip (perhaps 2-3 weeks) to Spain and perhaps hostel (?) through Seville and the surrounding areas that are rife with history and culture. I've always wanted to see Spain and delve into its medieval treasure troves, and now, I have no reason to hold myself from doing it. Soon enough, I will have the money secreted away and if Ashley leaves for Australia, there's no real anchor keeping me from stepping out for a while.
That's something that still gives me considerable pause. She'll be leaving for Australia at the end of January. I hate that the tighter you hold on to your moments the faster they seem to slip away. I've just been trying to enjoy the time that I do have, but deep down, it hurts to know that the person I am closest too will soon be the furthest away from me. I think that we'll be fine--that we can do this--but that does not mean it won't be hard. Ultimately, I just want her to be happy with where she's going to school. I want to make sure that she gets to follow through with her dream the best she can, and that in turn will make me happy.
And we'll still have each others' backs, even if there is that whole pesky Pacific Ocean between us.
I'm tired of fretting and planning. I'm in the market of doing now. Not I want to write, or I want to draw or I want to go back to school or I want to travel, but rather I am writing, I am drawing, I am going to go back to school and I am going to travel. The world seems to be simpler when you look at in scales of Do and Don't rather than Might or Mightn't.
I know that is all easier said than done, but I think the motivation to begin living that way is something momentous for me; It indicates the first of many, raw decisions.
The catalyst for many of this decisions is simply a matter of when Ashley is leaving for medical school, and the reason for that is straightforward. Either place she goes means a long-distance relationship and that I won't see her nearly as often as I have had the fortune of (even though I still don't see her remotely as often as I was able to when we were both still in school) and I would want to have the ability to spend as much time as I can with her in the days I would have left with her before she leaves. It's not that I want to belay my actions, but I don't want to regret spending my days doing something else and losing time with her. However, after due consideration, there are certainly some things that one should do without heeding notions of time or other obligations. In this case, I hope that traveling might provide me with some extent of personal insight and growth. Though, I have to admit, I'm afraid to do it alone.
I think I regret not taking a semester abroad. I know it might have cost a precious sum more than a 'typical' quarter of tuition, but I think the rewards earned for trailblazing outweigh the costs. Nevertheless, the past is written in ink. You can't change it--but you can strike it out, if you so choose. Fortunately, there are few lines in my past that I choose to strike out. Very few indeed.
With that said, I have been writing steadily for the past couple of weeks, after my determination to keep at it was resurrected. On an important note, I decided that it was not worth it for me to enroll in an MFA program. While I feel that I could benefit from the structured program, I know that I don't need the degree to be an excellent writer. This, I feel, is an important realization.
Also, I have been steadily drawing for a while (not as steadily as writing, however), and this is mainly channeled through my webcomic, Sigils. It's been a slow process, and I only have two completed comics as of now; still, I find a substantial feeling of accomplishment accompanies the completion of those two pieces. And, I have been eyeing a 3D animation program at a school in LA called Gnomon. However, my hesitation for this program stems from two points (and I hate that I am hesitant about it, because I am growing impatient with my hesitance over many things): (1) the program is in LA. I don't particularly want to live in LA (it's not my urban center of choice), though I know that if I found a job there and made some friends, it would make the transition more tolerable. (2) I'm not sure how well 3D animation suits me, mainly as I've never fully considered a career in the arts apart from my ages-ago desire to become a comic-book artist (ie. when I was in middle school) and I'm not sure how much of this desire stems from my romanticization of animated films from the guys at Pixar and Disney. I tend to do that a lot. Romanticize things. It comes from years of being a heedless optimist and retaining an overactive imagination (hey, I'm not complaining about the latter--it's done some wonders for me). Unfortunately, that means that whatever has captivated my imagination at the moment tends to monopolize my attention, whichs leaves me with the task of discerning between what is hopeless fantasy and what is actually my desire. I think this is what explains my overanalysis of important matters lately.
As a quick aside, I don't know why I have become hesitant after graduation. Prior to entering the real world, I was well-primed for making lightning quick decisions and simply going wherever I might be led to. Fortunately, this was always balanced by a prudent sense of judgment, but nowadays, I feel that this balance has become unnvervingly shifted to my disadvantage. I'm too hesitant. I'm not wading out and just doing so much as I am thinking and weighing the pros and cons. I need to get it into my head that if I want to make any personal progress in life, I have to move forward. I might move in the wrong direction, but at least then I would know it's the wrong direction. I need to stop worrying about potentially taking the wrong direction and just take a direction. It's better than stagnating and idling.
Now, I know that I am going to go back to school, it's simply a matter of figuring out what for. Lately, the desire to activate and use my intellect has become of severe importance for me (this likely stems from the fact that apart from reading, sudoku and the occasionaly debate with some of my friends) I have little to no intellectual stimulation in my life. It makes me feel tired, bored and a bit useless at times. I want to go back to school to get the gears of my mind rolling again. Fortunately, sticking to my writing has helped, but its also just whetted my apetite further. Now, going back to school could be fulfilled by the animation program I mentioned above (however, I must resolve my reservations about it), an MFA in creative writing, or by pursuing graduate study. In my mind, there are three things that I would like to study--though each has its hurdles to cross. A while ago, I had mentioned urban planning. I am still interested in this, but unfortunately, I have had no official exposure to the field, which leads me to question my interest in it to begin with. Then, there is medieval history. However, given the obscure specificity of the field, I have to wonder what I would do with it. And finally, and most likely, I would like to go back to study biology further. My intellectual malaise has even led me to give thoughtful consideration to doing research. Thus, I have considered going back to get my MS in biology--but what field? If that is the road, then it would still have to be organismal biology/ecology or perhaps something else. Fortunately, some of the chemists and biologists upstairs at my current place are keen to give me a tour, so now that everyone is back from the break, I am going to take them up on their offer and see what comes from that. Never hurts to open new doors.
So, in short, my brain is getting rusty and my motivation has been sedated by all of this inaction. Now is a time for action and doing, and I have to say that I'm pretty excited for the possibilities, whether they are successes or failures. At least they will still be counted as progress.
As for traveling, I am saving up money so that I can take a trip (perhaps 2-3 weeks) to Spain and perhaps hostel (?) through Seville and the surrounding areas that are rife with history and culture. I've always wanted to see Spain and delve into its medieval treasure troves, and now, I have no reason to hold myself from doing it. Soon enough, I will have the money secreted away and if Ashley leaves for Australia, there's no real anchor keeping me from stepping out for a while.
That's something that still gives me considerable pause. She'll be leaving for Australia at the end of January. I hate that the tighter you hold on to your moments the faster they seem to slip away. I've just been trying to enjoy the time that I do have, but deep down, it hurts to know that the person I am closest too will soon be the furthest away from me. I think that we'll be fine--that we can do this--but that does not mean it won't be hard. Ultimately, I just want her to be happy with where she's going to school. I want to make sure that she gets to follow through with her dream the best she can, and that in turn will make me happy.
And we'll still have each others' backs, even if there is that whole pesky Pacific Ocean between us.