(no subject)
So, Ashley's in Vegas right now, on a trip with a handful of her high school friends that she hasn't really seen in ages. I have to admit, I'm bummed that I can't be there with her, but the simple reason why I'm not is that I'm simply too poor to have coughed up the $200 or so necessary to tag along. It would have been fun, I'm sure, but still. I think it's a good thing that she went . She was initially hesitant to do so because we had already made plans to hang out this weekend (since I have it off because I'm no longer taking the CHP examinations), before she found out about the trip from one of her friends. Naturally, I was a bit hurt that she chose the trip over spending time with me, but ultimately, I think it's the right choice. After she gets into medical school, she may not see these people for a very long time. Who am I to deprive her of her friendships? And it least it was something that weighed on her. I would be much less cool with it, had it been only glancingly considered, as opposed to heavily. I don't want either of us to lose ourselves in the relationship. I want her to do things that make her happy and let her have her own experiences; and I want the same thing for myself. I want her to be happy, but I want to be happy, and I want us to be happy. That's the bottom line.
With that said, I'm supposed to spend tomorrow with her; but I'm ambivalent about taking the trip up there. Apparently, her parents are not fond of me being her boyfriend, mainly because of the difficult time that Ashley and I went through (and our break up) because of my need to resolve my feelings for Mia. I can't say that I blame them. I hurt Ashley then, and I've spent the entire time since living with the gravity of my mistake. But that's what it was: a mistake. I came back to Ashley because I realized just how much I really loved her and that as I began to feel what life without her was like, I became more and more unhappy. I suppose when it boils down to it, what matters is that she and I still love each other, and we got through it together. It's unfortunate if her parents do not approve of me, but then, I did not require her parents' approval to first fall for her, and I don't see why I should need it now. I respect them a great deal, but I feel that ultimately, its our decision to be together.
So, that's my main deterrent from making the trip; but I don't want to let the fear of her parents not approving of me stop me from seeing her. And I won't. It will be good to see her.
Apparently, they were also upset that I came up on Monday night to see Ashley while they were still in China. I felt very bad about making the unexpected visit--it was probably the most impulsive thing I've ever done--but I simply needed somebody to be there for me that night, and I had nobody else to really turn to. I couldn't go to my parents, because they were the main problem, and all my friends down here were completely busy with gearing up for finals. I knew it would be an imposition on her, as well as myself, considering we both had work the next day. I knew it was improper; but what else was I supposed to do?
Anyway, I think of lost track of myself somewhere in my writings here. I apologize for writing at great length about my sentiments. I'm not usually one to vent about my "feelings" and what not; but lately, this is the only avenue I have to express them so that they're not constantly turning over in my head. I learned long ago to restrain my emotional expression, and thus far, I feel like I've been able to do so, within human limits of course.
I might drive up to see my Uncle today, if he's not busy. I still don't particularly feel like I can go to my parents, though I may do that too. At heart, I'm a problem solver, and I'll toss and turn over something until I think of the next solution I want to try or next thing that I want to say. I need to keep that in mind with Ashley too, now that I think about it. I don't want to think about something ad nauseum until it only exacerbates the problem. I feel like I've done that periodically. but I think any normal person will. Fortunately, I haven't lost my composure.
Last night, a good chunk of my Jamba crew got together and had a party to celebrate the end of finals for them, and also as a farewell for Mia, who is leaving for Washington DC soon as part of the UCDC program. Before the party, I met up with Mia at Robeks Juice (the only real competition for Jamba, naturally) just to talk and hang out one last time before she left. It was interesting to hear that she and I are pretty much in the same boat, as far as our parents are concerned. It was nice having someone to relate to in that respect and to just vent about how our parents can be so unsupportive of the things we want to do, or openly criticize and even blatantly renounce the things that we've decided not to do.
As far as the party goes, it was great. It gave me a much needed distraction from everything that's weighing me down these days. As we were closing the other night, Manh and I challenged each other to go shot for shot, and we went through with it last night. Needless to say, I think I was victorious, but there wasn't anything at stake.
Anyway, I hung out with Kelly and Becca and Manh there for a while--I would consider them the people I'm closest to down here, actually. Aside from two of my roommates (and of course, aside from Ashley), I would consider them my closest friends here. Becasue of that, I've kept them up to speed on most of what's happening in my life these days. It was nice just to hear that they think of me as the nicest, funniest, caring and genuine guy they know (Dennis as the exception, for Becca, of course), and that they don't think it's fair for me to be so hard on myself, or for me to feel so disheartened. It meant a lot to me. I don't generally appraise how people think of me, but I think part of me needed to hear that from someone.
I believe I have the confidence to overcome all of these difficulties in stride.
With that said, I'm supposed to spend tomorrow with her; but I'm ambivalent about taking the trip up there. Apparently, her parents are not fond of me being her boyfriend, mainly because of the difficult time that Ashley and I went through (and our break up) because of my need to resolve my feelings for Mia. I can't say that I blame them. I hurt Ashley then, and I've spent the entire time since living with the gravity of my mistake. But that's what it was: a mistake. I came back to Ashley because I realized just how much I really loved her and that as I began to feel what life without her was like, I became more and more unhappy. I suppose when it boils down to it, what matters is that she and I still love each other, and we got through it together. It's unfortunate if her parents do not approve of me, but then, I did not require her parents' approval to first fall for her, and I don't see why I should need it now. I respect them a great deal, but I feel that ultimately, its our decision to be together.
So, that's my main deterrent from making the trip; but I don't want to let the fear of her parents not approving of me stop me from seeing her. And I won't. It will be good to see her.
Apparently, they were also upset that I came up on Monday night to see Ashley while they were still in China. I felt very bad about making the unexpected visit--it was probably the most impulsive thing I've ever done--but I simply needed somebody to be there for me that night, and I had nobody else to really turn to. I couldn't go to my parents, because they were the main problem, and all my friends down here were completely busy with gearing up for finals. I knew it would be an imposition on her, as well as myself, considering we both had work the next day. I knew it was improper; but what else was I supposed to do?
Anyway, I think of lost track of myself somewhere in my writings here. I apologize for writing at great length about my sentiments. I'm not usually one to vent about my "feelings" and what not; but lately, this is the only avenue I have to express them so that they're not constantly turning over in my head. I learned long ago to restrain my emotional expression, and thus far, I feel like I've been able to do so, within human limits of course.
I might drive up to see my Uncle today, if he's not busy. I still don't particularly feel like I can go to my parents, though I may do that too. At heart, I'm a problem solver, and I'll toss and turn over something until I think of the next solution I want to try or next thing that I want to say. I need to keep that in mind with Ashley too, now that I think about it. I don't want to think about something ad nauseum until it only exacerbates the problem. I feel like I've done that periodically. but I think any normal person will. Fortunately, I haven't lost my composure.
Last night, a good chunk of my Jamba crew got together and had a party to celebrate the end of finals for them, and also as a farewell for Mia, who is leaving for Washington DC soon as part of the UCDC program. Before the party, I met up with Mia at Robeks Juice (the only real competition for Jamba, naturally) just to talk and hang out one last time before she left. It was interesting to hear that she and I are pretty much in the same boat, as far as our parents are concerned. It was nice having someone to relate to in that respect and to just vent about how our parents can be so unsupportive of the things we want to do, or openly criticize and even blatantly renounce the things that we've decided not to do.
As far as the party goes, it was great. It gave me a much needed distraction from everything that's weighing me down these days. As we were closing the other night, Manh and I challenged each other to go shot for shot, and we went through with it last night. Needless to say, I think I was victorious, but there wasn't anything at stake.
Anyway, I hung out with Kelly and Becca and Manh there for a while--I would consider them the people I'm closest to down here, actually. Aside from two of my roommates (and of course, aside from Ashley), I would consider them my closest friends here. Becasue of that, I've kept them up to speed on most of what's happening in my life these days. It was nice just to hear that they think of me as the nicest, funniest, caring and genuine guy they know (Dennis as the exception, for Becca, of course), and that they don't think it's fair for me to be so hard on myself, or for me to feel so disheartened. It meant a lot to me. I don't generally appraise how people think of me, but I think part of me needed to hear that from someone.
I believe I have the confidence to overcome all of these difficulties in stride.