Answer Arises from the Murky Blue Depths of the Intuition
It's like panic. The world is shaking. The part of me that has sense for the time left, the time we will have to do something, is exasperated and frantic, reviling me violently. My mouth is dry. My legs are sore. My neck is stiff. My heart beats strongly.
I have given it time. I have emptied time upon time on it. I think perhaps I am afraid of something. I ask myself, is it the future? Do I fear change? Do I fear death? Do I lack anything to be proud of? Am I unhappy with my life? What do I want?
I just can't feel for anything. To care about anything. What is a human being that has no expectations? Such little resolve can be summoned to escape filth and ruin. I haven't cried in years.
It feels like the years will not get better as they pass. But they have not been so bad. The things I have done seem pitiful to anyone but myself because other people appreciate so much more than I do. My teeth clench as my heart beats. There is a fiery welling arising between my shoulders. Each breath reminds me that I have felt this before. The thing that is like a yawn that provokes a tear in the eye. The thing that pulls at the lungs because one is lacking something necessary.
What do I want? I don't really even care to meet a girl. I don't really care what I look like. I wouldn't mind being thinner. I should read more. Life is not really hard. What is it I am looking for? Do I just want to feel differently? Do I want to be happy?
I guess what I like is that feeling right after you wake up and you are rested and you aren't tired. And you wonder what time it is. And you look outside and every day feels different, if only for a moment. Is this what we live for? Are we to achieve a state of mind and body that is free of want? I guess we just have to enjoy something. I have had enough company. I have had enough distraction. I have no stories to tell. I am comfortable enough. How can a song make me feel such longing? Have I missed something, God?
I have given it time. I have emptied time upon time on it. I think perhaps I am afraid of something. I ask myself, is it the future? Do I fear change? Do I fear death? Do I lack anything to be proud of? Am I unhappy with my life? What do I want?
I just can't feel for anything. To care about anything. What is a human being that has no expectations? Such little resolve can be summoned to escape filth and ruin. I haven't cried in years.
It feels like the years will not get better as they pass. But they have not been so bad. The things I have done seem pitiful to anyone but myself because other people appreciate so much more than I do. My teeth clench as my heart beats. There is a fiery welling arising between my shoulders. Each breath reminds me that I have felt this before. The thing that is like a yawn that provokes a tear in the eye. The thing that pulls at the lungs because one is lacking something necessary.
What do I want? I don't really even care to meet a girl. I don't really care what I look like. I wouldn't mind being thinner. I should read more. Life is not really hard. What is it I am looking for? Do I just want to feel differently? Do I want to be happy?
I guess what I like is that feeling right after you wake up and you are rested and you aren't tired. And you wonder what time it is. And you look outside and every day feels different, if only for a moment. Is this what we live for? Are we to achieve a state of mind and body that is free of want? I guess we just have to enjoy something. I have had enough company. I have had enough distraction. I have no stories to tell. I am comfortable enough. How can a song make me feel such longing? Have I missed something, God?