(no subject)
i feel like friend-wise, my life is progressing better lately. shocking really, after all my childhood troubles and my recent insecurities, but i think it might just be ok. i have people surrounding me, so its not like i'm deprived. and i've gotten (at least i feel that way) closer to a lot of my friends recently. i only hope it stays on the up, because my life and this area tend to be rather like a rollercoaster.
the only thing i am jealous of is how easily most of my friends make other friends. its so hard for me to enter a group and just radiate this charm that makes people want to be with me. i've really been trying to work on it recently, but i feel like when i'm around new people i'm sooooo insecure and laugh to hard at stupid things and get too loud and stupid. and suddenly my jokes dont feel funny. i don't know how to sit or how to stand or what exactly i should be saying. ughh it sucks. but at least i know i'm trying.
but, to move to a slightly more depressing note. my mother is trying as hard as possible to make my life a living hell. she never trusts a word i say (which, actaully would be the smart thing to do in her position), she is constantly nagging, acting like i'm not old, calling me a slob and a spoiled brat and a burden. i'm her fucking kid, i mean, its not my fucking fault she had me. if she didn't want a burden, she shouldn't have fucked my father for 8 years trying to have me.
and on the note of parents, i cannot live with myself because of them. i am constantly having my clothing, hair and altogether looks scorned by my mother, while my father is repeating over and over that i'm gaining weight and looking a little chubby. its so hard to try and respect myself when my parents, the people who had me and should love me, are not satisfied with somthing as petty as my looks. and its sooo hard to hear this kind of thing over and over and not start to listen.
i feel like as i go on, this entry is getting more and more depressing. but, ugh, all i want is to leave this home. i am sick of the pressure of everything mounting up. school, social life, parental expectations. and to top it all of, i've got reba on my ass urging me towards the first boat. and i can't just hold back becaues i do want it. i don't want those people or the animosity, but i want the respect of my coach. i have been busting my ass 4 days a week at practice and with my luck, i'll still be sitting in 4 seat, boat 2.
i just wish i could be strong. or at least know who i am. i need to resist urges and make myself whole.
ari. don't do something stupid. you will be out of here in less than two years. just close your eyes, walk right through and it'll be over.
the only thing i am jealous of is how easily most of my friends make other friends. its so hard for me to enter a group and just radiate this charm that makes people want to be with me. i've really been trying to work on it recently, but i feel like when i'm around new people i'm sooooo insecure and laugh to hard at stupid things and get too loud and stupid. and suddenly my jokes dont feel funny. i don't know how to sit or how to stand or what exactly i should be saying. ughh it sucks. but at least i know i'm trying.
but, to move to a slightly more depressing note. my mother is trying as hard as possible to make my life a living hell. she never trusts a word i say (which, actaully would be the smart thing to do in her position), she is constantly nagging, acting like i'm not old, calling me a slob and a spoiled brat and a burden. i'm her fucking kid, i mean, its not my fucking fault she had me. if she didn't want a burden, she shouldn't have fucked my father for 8 years trying to have me.
and on the note of parents, i cannot live with myself because of them. i am constantly having my clothing, hair and altogether looks scorned by my mother, while my father is repeating over and over that i'm gaining weight and looking a little chubby. its so hard to try and respect myself when my parents, the people who had me and should love me, are not satisfied with somthing as petty as my looks. and its sooo hard to hear this kind of thing over and over and not start to listen.
i feel like as i go on, this entry is getting more and more depressing. but, ugh, all i want is to leave this home. i am sick of the pressure of everything mounting up. school, social life, parental expectations. and to top it all of, i've got reba on my ass urging me towards the first boat. and i can't just hold back becaues i do want it. i don't want those people or the animosity, but i want the respect of my coach. i have been busting my ass 4 days a week at practice and with my luck, i'll still be sitting in 4 seat, boat 2.
i just wish i could be strong. or at least know who i am. i need to resist urges and make myself whole.
ari. don't do something stupid. you will be out of here in less than two years. just close your eyes, walk right through and it'll be over.