[je] [nagase/matsujun] [ODP Side Story] That's how babies work?
Title: That's how babies work?
Group/pairing: Arashi, TOKIO / Nagase Tomoya/Matsumoto Jun
Prompt: 016. Us
Word Count: 2821
Rating: R, because of sexytimes.
Summary: Nagase has nightmares. Involving babies. This is a side story to Occasional dinner plans.
Warnings: Crack (MPreg), Established relationship, dumb
Disclaimer: I don't mean to imply any of this is happening or has happened, etc etc etc. I'm writing NagaJun domestic bliss, for real here. :l
Notes: I BLAME chelshock COMPLETELY FOR THIS. COMPLETELY. …ILU CHELE ♥. Please don't take this terribly seriously--I know I didn't!
Notes, part two: Anmitsu is a Japanese dessert, made of jelly and and served with red bean paste and stuff. Wiki's page is pretty small but it's good. :) Gyudon, or ~beef-bowl~, is beef atop rice and there are onions and shiitake noodles and sometimes an egg and whatever the important part is there is meat.
"Yo," said Nagase when Jun finally came home, half asleep on the couch in sweatpants and a t-shirt Jun was very sure he’d thrown out, seeing as it was very nearly older than Jun.
"You look terrible," Jun commented, leaning over and brushing his fingers over Nagase’s forehead.
"I’m tired," Nagase agreed, "and my back hurts."
"Are you sure you didn’t hurt yourself?"
"Yeah," Nagase answered, "I was good all day, didn’t even slide down the stair railings once."
Jun frowned. "We’ll go to the doctor tomorrow if you’re not feeling any better."
Nagase made a face-he hated doctors and their stupid doctorness-but Jun was giving him the look that said he wouldn’t be taking any further questions. Nagase huffed, grumbling as he settled against the pillow behind his head, and after a moment Jun’s fingers threaded through his hair, so he hummed in contentment and kind of drifted off-
The next time he opened his eyes Nagase was still sick with-whatever this was, plus the need to vomit. Jun had him bundled up in the passenger seat of the car sooner than he could even think about it, and in another blink (or, at least, that was what it felt like) they were in front of the doctor and Nagase was in one of those assless hospital gowns and the doctor was talking a lot and finally one word made it into his brain-pregnant.
"Woaaaaaah," said Nagase, blinking, "that’s… that’s awesome."
"I think I need a drink," said Jun, his first words since ‘oh dear god how’ half an hour earlier.
"You and me both," Nagase called, flopping back on the good doctor’s examination table and (accidentally) giving everyone a show, "my sister is going to laugh so hard-"
"Wait what are you doing?" asked Nagase, blinking as if that would make things make more sense, "why is there a padlock on the liquor cabinet? Jun?"
Jun looked back over his shoulder momentarily. "Pregnant w-people-can’t drink alcohol, Tomoya. It does bad things to the baby."
"Wait wait wait," Nagase said, "no alcohol? For how long?!"
"Until the baby is born?"
"I can’t go nine months without alcohol, Jun," said Nagase, and began to sob uselessly.
Jun calmed him down with promises of steak for dinner, rubbing at his shoulder as he mouthed ’god help me’ at the ceiling-
"Uh Jun what is this?" asked Nagase, poking at the steak on his plate.
"A steak?"
"Where’s the red part?" Nagase pressed, cutting open the middle of the piece of meat and motioning at the brown insides.
"There isn’t any. The doctor told me to cut down on red meat."
"Cut down, not out!"
"I have a responsibility to keep the baby safe, Tomoya," said Jun, looking serious, "and that means keeping bacteria away from blah blah blah-Tomoya, don’t cry it’s not the end of the world-"
Nagase sat up with a scream, sweat across his brow. His heart pumping, Nagase took stock of the terrible series of beer-less, red meat-less months he’d seen flash before his eyes in his sleep. Then he looked at his stomach, poking at it viciously. After a moment more of pinching and cursing, he came to the conclusion that he wasn’t any bigger than usual, and as long as the scolding he’d had to deal with that morning for sliding down the stair rail with a whole squad of the tiny Juniors (somebody had to teach them how to almost kill themselves!) had actually happened, his back ache was from the bruise he’d suffered when he’d tumbled to a stop at the very bottom floor of the office’s staircase.
Relieved, Nagase settled back down, pushing his nose into Jun’s hair and throwing his leg across Jun’s. Jun shifted around in his sleep-he wasn’t really a fan of Nagase’s cuddling tendencies in the middle of the night-and shoved ineffectually at Nagase’s shoulder, only half awake.
"Promise me you’ll always, always, always use a condom," Nagase said suddenly, sounding pained.
Jun, to his credit, didn’t ask. He just said, "I promise. Forever. Yes," until Nagase believed him. After another moment of reassurances, he patted Nagase’s shoulder and tried to find a way to sleep with Nagase half on top of him.
In the morning, Jun delicately asked what Nagase’s concerns from the night before had been about. "We’re always very careful," he pointed out, "and it’s not as though you can get pregnant-Tomoya, what are you doing to the liquor cabinet?"
Nagase looked up from where he was-hugging-their chic black liquor cabinet. "I had the worst nightmare ever. I was pregnant and you put a padlock on the alcohol and then you cooked the meat until it was brown."
"Wait, you were what?"
"Pregnant! Listen when I talk! No beer! At all!"
"…better you than me," Jun mused momentarily. "I mean, that must have been traumatizing, are you sure you don’t need a hug?"
The story had made its way around the office by noon; by two o’clock Nagase had overcome his traumatic nightmare enough to want to have sex in the third floor dance room during the fifteen common minutes Nagase and Jun had for daily breaks. Jun leaned against the mirror, still breathing hard from kissing, as Nagase dug through his pants for a condom.
"They’re gone," Nagase said, turning his wallet over and shaking it. Out fell fifteen thousand-yen bills, a mass of coins, a driver’s license, and two credit cards-and no condoms. "I had lube-" he gestured at the spent tube on the floor at Jun’s feet, "but…"
"You’re not allowed to just leave me hanging," Jun informed him levelly, "get back here. Now."
Well. Even traumatic nightmares weren’t going to make Nagase turn that down.
"GOD DAMN YOU AND YOUR SUPER SPERM I BOUGHT THESE PANTS LAST WEEK AND THEY LOOKED AWESOME!"
"Sorry," Nagase offered, rubbing his palm over Jun’s stomach in a circle and making a ridiculous face at where the baby was. Jun still looked really, really annoyed, but he snorted at Nagase’s crossed eyes and awkwardly opened mouth. Nagase laughed, and then-
"TOMOYA," Jun bellowed.
"Jun?" asked Nagase meekly, leaning his head into the bedroom.
"Ice cream. Strawberry. And anmitsu."
The hiatus Jun had been forced on once he’d started showing was not treating him well. Similarly, it wasn’t treating Nagase well, either-Johnny had been really, really mad about the whole getting his boyfriend pregnant thing, so Nagase had had to pick up the drama role Jun had had as a prospect on top of obeying Jun’s every whim. Nagase glanced at his watch. He could make it! Probably.
"I’ll be right back," he said.
Jun smiled at him, then, which made most of the being bossed around thing worth it-
"TOMOYAAAAAAA!"
"Yes?"
"You painted the baby room red?!"
"I wanted it to be badass!"
"We’re having a baby girl!"
"Doesn’t mean it can’t be badass!"
Nagase didn’t scream this time, but whimper, fingers digging tight into his pillow. He rolled over and reached blindly for Jun, hand settling on his stomach. "I’ll never do him again if you promise to keep the babies out," he informed Jun’s stomach gravelly. Jun didn’t even move, snoring.
"I’ll take that as a yes," Nagase said.
"You know, I kind of want strawberry ice cream," Jun commented, leaning against Nagase’s side and watching the movie Nagase had picked, wincing and hiding his face when the serial killer appeared without warning in the mirror behind the adult film star that was their heroine. On reflex, Nagase wrapped an arm around Jun, hauling him closer.
"Right after this?" asked Nagase, tensing up as he waited for the inevitable ‘and anmitsu don’t even complain this is entirely your fault’ to follow. Jun simply nodded easily, screwing his eyes shut again when the music changed, badly foreshadowing the inevitable demise of one of the scantily-clad, badly-acted minor cast members.
"These pants fit last week," Jun complained, flopping backward on the bed to try and fight his zipper up.
"What, did you put on weight?" asked Nagase suspiciously, wondering about baby weight and how fast that happened.
"Why, does it look that way?" asked Jun, sticking his head up to look at Nagase suspiciously.
"I don’t think so," Nagase said, eyeing him.
Jun gave him the evil eye for another moment or two. Eventually, he proved victorious over the magical shrinking pants by sucking in his stomach and fighting the button closure of his jeans together with a grunt. He grinned. "There we go," he said, "maybe I’m just bloated…"
Nagase breathed a sigh of relief. Then, Jun got up, and Nagase finally had the opportunity to eye the jeans Jun had been battling with for the last fifteen minutes. (Or, more appropriately, the ass in the jeans.)
"I think your jeans fit perfectly!" he said, brightly.
"It's a little hard to bend over," Jun answered.
"You don't need to bend over, your ass looks good enough-hey don't punch me that was a compliment!"
Jun closed the front door with his hip, phone shoved under his chin as he straightened the shoes at the front door and wrestled his raincoat into the tiny closet near the front door.
"No, no, it’s fine, Shun," he said, waving at Nagase and mouthing ‘tadaima’ silently on his way to the office, "go on without me. I don’t really feel like drinking as much these days. No it’s not you-well, all right, it’s not any more you than usual, you ass, between you and Ryo and Toma it’s a surprise I get any drinking done at all I spend all of it making sure nobody gets caught with their hands up a girl’s skirt-"
In the living room, Nagase’s hands on his guitar had created what was possibly the most mangled, terrible chord to ever exist in the whole grand history of music. The lyrics to the ballad he was working on flew from his head, never to return, as he mouthed oh god here it comes over and over until Jun had finished his conversation and padded back into the living room.
"I’m thinking gyudon for dinner," Jun declared, "unless you had something else you wanted?"
"Anything is fine," Nagase said, not glancing up.
Jun settled on the couch, raising an eyebrow as he stared Nagase down. "What’s wrong?" he asked, finally.
"It’s nothing," said Nagase, "just-frustrated with lyrics."
Jun made a face-did Nagase think he was stupid?-and finally loped off to go make dinner. He’d get it out of him with alcohol later.
"Wait, you want to make the office a what?" Jun squawked.
"A nursery for the baby!"
"Um. Tomoya," said Jun, coughing.
"What?"
"We’re not… having a baby. And even if we were I would not let you paint the room red and black with a motorcycle shaped crib and a mobile made of your used beer cans."
"Why not?! It matches the sidecar!"
"You don’t have a sidecar!"
"Yes I do!"
"…you bought a sidecar for a baby it’s physically impossible for you to have?"
"Not me, you!"
"…I’m just… not going to answer that. Please just send back the sidecar."
"Yes dear."
Nagase moped around the apartment for the next six weeks, probably just to piss off Jun, seeing as he would spontaneously burst into entirely fake sobs whenever he caught Jun looking at him.
"Oh would you stop it?" Jun finally asked, rolling his eyes.
"I had a little spot in my heart for our super-cute baby and you crushed it," Nagase whined.
"It was a baby in a nightmare world where your super-sperm got me pregnant despite physical impossibilities! It’s not my fault your delusional mind decided it was true! Besides, when we moved in together you said you were okay without children, and don’t even tell me that that’s not true because I have it in the contract we wrote up."
"I know," Nagase said, sighing.
"If you want a girlfriend so much go hook up with one of your co-stars," Jun grumbled.
"That’s not fair," Nagase said, turning to scowl at him.
Jun's eyes were downcast. "No, it wasn’t," he eventually agreed, "but neither is being mad at me for not having the proper equipment required to bring us a bundle of terror. I mean, joy-are you even listening to me?"
"Oh, look, you’re on television!" Nagase said, his eyes bright.
"I’m on television a lot," Jun pointed out weakly-"oh, god, this?"
"The puppy is so cuuuuute," Nagase crooned, "and and and it likes you look!"
Jun rolled his eyes. "We’re not getting a puppy," he said.
"Why not?!"
"Animals hate me."
"This one doesn’t!"
"He’s too young to know better, I guess!"
"Get him before he learns!"
"Will you just drop it, please?"
Nagase did not, in fact, drop it-for weeks, despite offerings of steaks, alcohol, sex whenever he wanted it for a week and, once, adoption of a baby and they could even get the motorcycle crib ("It’s not the same as the baby that we made together!"). At the end of his rope, Jun did what he always did in times of great adversity: he called up his mother.
"You could go back to your aunt’s shelter," his mother said, after chewing on the problem silently for a time.
"That way Tomoya-kun gets his puppy time, you keep the floors clean…"
"Mom, you’re the best."
"I know, dear~"
And this Jun put a stop to Nagase’s whining about wanting a little cute bundle of love to carry around and Ko-chan really likes Pan-chan so clearly there had to be something going for them Jun with a little help from his mother.
"Don’t think I’m going to let you try to sneak out that Labrador," Jun warned him when they pulled to a stop.
"Thaaaat’s why you made me take the motorcycle," Nagase accused, tossing his hair around after he’d hung his helmet up.
"That and I like your leather pants," agreed Jun, eyeing Nagase as he slid off of his motorcycle.
Nagase smirked, smugly. "That’s what they all say," he informed Jun, and then hissed when Jun punched him in retaliation.
"Come on," Jun said, rolling his eyes.
Nagase Tomoya was in puppy-land heaven. He made a series of roughly canine noises at the closest one as he scratched the elderly Daschund that served as the shelter’s mascot behind the ears; Jun settled lower in his chair, scowling. No matter how many times he had come here as a child none of the dogs (or the cats, or the hamsters, or the one time his aunt had had a ferret) paid any attention to him. This time wasn’t shaping up to be any different.
"Jun, I found an animal that might put up with you," called his aunt, and he tried not to be overly excited. He’d heard that before.
"See?"
Nagase looked up in time to see the parrot land on Jun’s shoulder. Jun had frozen, and was looking out the corner of his eye at the bird. Nagase bit back laughter; Jun glared at him and sent a couple of the puppies diving out the way in fear.
"It looks good," said Nagase, lips quirking, "you could be a sexy fabulous pirate!"
Jun scowled. "Don’t think I don’t notice you and your best friend over their getting all close. You’re not taking him home."
Nagase stuck out his lip and wibbled; Jun ignored him in favor of trying to say hello to the parrot.
Until the parrot starting squawking along to the words to ‘Naked’, that was.
"Nagase," said Jun, foot tapping impatiently, "we have things to do. Come on."
"Coming," called Nagase, sounding morose.
"…Nagase did you think I wouldn’t notice the squirming bundle of puppy under your shirt?"
Nagase drooped. "Yes?" he said, smiling weakly.
"Well, I didn’t. Put it back."
Nagase sighed the whole way home-Jun could feel the melodramatic shoulder shrugs that went with them. (He retaliated by rubbing his hips against Nagase's butt, which was enough distraction when they got home, at least.)
"What are you doing?" asked Nagase, as Jun eyed the sealant again.
"Coating the floors so the dog can’t ruin them," Jun said, distracted.
"Oh, oka-eeeeeeeeh? Wait a minute!"
"What?" asked Jun, tone and face innocent.
"The dog?"
"The dog," answered Jun.
"What dog? Jun don’t hold out on me!"
"Okay just-get off of me will you-I called the woman who bred that dog from the commercial and she told me she’d be willing to sell him to me so you’re getting a puppy as an anniversary present. I expect that Gucci necklace I showed you in return for this."
"Best anniversary ever!" Nagase crowed, tackling him.
"Ko-chan and Pan-chan and the puppy and I are going to have so much fuuuuun~ what should we name him?"
"You said last year was our best anniversary ever! And Prada!"
"You raise the bar every year! You've got a talent. And I’m not naming a dog after a fashion designer, that's just asking to get made fun of. What about Kagatobi?"
"WE’RE NOT NAMING THE DOG AFTER A SAKE BRAND."
Group/pairing: Arashi, TOKIO / Nagase Tomoya/Matsumoto Jun
Prompt: 016. Us
Word Count: 2821
Rating: R, because of sexytimes.
Summary: Nagase has nightmares. Involving babies. This is a side story to Occasional dinner plans.
Warnings: Crack (MPreg), Established relationship, dumb
Disclaimer: I don't mean to imply any of this is happening or has happened, etc etc etc. I'm writing NagaJun domestic bliss, for real here. :l
Notes: I BLAME chelshock COMPLETELY FOR THIS. COMPLETELY. …ILU CHELE ♥. Please don't take this terribly seriously--I know I didn't!
Notes, part two: Anmitsu is a Japanese dessert, made of jelly and and served with red bean paste and stuff. Wiki's page is pretty small but it's good. :) Gyudon, or ~beef-bowl~, is beef atop rice and there are onions and shiitake noodles and sometimes an egg and whatever the important part is there is meat.
"Yo," said Nagase when Jun finally came home, half asleep on the couch in sweatpants and a t-shirt Jun was very sure he’d thrown out, seeing as it was very nearly older than Jun.
"You look terrible," Jun commented, leaning over and brushing his fingers over Nagase’s forehead.
"I’m tired," Nagase agreed, "and my back hurts."
"Are you sure you didn’t hurt yourself?"
"Yeah," Nagase answered, "I was good all day, didn’t even slide down the stair railings once."
Jun frowned. "We’ll go to the doctor tomorrow if you’re not feeling any better."
Nagase made a face-he hated doctors and their stupid doctorness-but Jun was giving him the look that said he wouldn’t be taking any further questions. Nagase huffed, grumbling as he settled against the pillow behind his head, and after a moment Jun’s fingers threaded through his hair, so he hummed in contentment and kind of drifted off-
The next time he opened his eyes Nagase was still sick with-whatever this was, plus the need to vomit. Jun had him bundled up in the passenger seat of the car sooner than he could even think about it, and in another blink (or, at least, that was what it felt like) they were in front of the doctor and Nagase was in one of those assless hospital gowns and the doctor was talking a lot and finally one word made it into his brain-pregnant.
"Woaaaaaah," said Nagase, blinking, "that’s… that’s awesome."
"I think I need a drink," said Jun, his first words since ‘oh dear god how’ half an hour earlier.
"You and me both," Nagase called, flopping back on the good doctor’s examination table and (accidentally) giving everyone a show, "my sister is going to laugh so hard-"
"Wait what are you doing?" asked Nagase, blinking as if that would make things make more sense, "why is there a padlock on the liquor cabinet? Jun?"
Jun looked back over his shoulder momentarily. "Pregnant w-people-can’t drink alcohol, Tomoya. It does bad things to the baby."
"Wait wait wait," Nagase said, "no alcohol? For how long?!"
"Until the baby is born?"
"I can’t go nine months without alcohol, Jun," said Nagase, and began to sob uselessly.
Jun calmed him down with promises of steak for dinner, rubbing at his shoulder as he mouthed ’god help me’ at the ceiling-
"Uh Jun what is this?" asked Nagase, poking at the steak on his plate.
"A steak?"
"Where’s the red part?" Nagase pressed, cutting open the middle of the piece of meat and motioning at the brown insides.
"There isn’t any. The doctor told me to cut down on red meat."
"Cut down, not out!"
"I have a responsibility to keep the baby safe, Tomoya," said Jun, looking serious, "and that means keeping bacteria away from blah blah blah-Tomoya, don’t cry it’s not the end of the world-"
Nagase sat up with a scream, sweat across his brow. His heart pumping, Nagase took stock of the terrible series of beer-less, red meat-less months he’d seen flash before his eyes in his sleep. Then he looked at his stomach, poking at it viciously. After a moment more of pinching and cursing, he came to the conclusion that he wasn’t any bigger than usual, and as long as the scolding he’d had to deal with that morning for sliding down the stair rail with a whole squad of the tiny Juniors (somebody had to teach them how to almost kill themselves!) had actually happened, his back ache was from the bruise he’d suffered when he’d tumbled to a stop at the very bottom floor of the office’s staircase.
Relieved, Nagase settled back down, pushing his nose into Jun’s hair and throwing his leg across Jun’s. Jun shifted around in his sleep-he wasn’t really a fan of Nagase’s cuddling tendencies in the middle of the night-and shoved ineffectually at Nagase’s shoulder, only half awake.
"Promise me you’ll always, always, always use a condom," Nagase said suddenly, sounding pained.
Jun, to his credit, didn’t ask. He just said, "I promise. Forever. Yes," until Nagase believed him. After another moment of reassurances, he patted Nagase’s shoulder and tried to find a way to sleep with Nagase half on top of him.
In the morning, Jun delicately asked what Nagase’s concerns from the night before had been about. "We’re always very careful," he pointed out, "and it’s not as though you can get pregnant-Tomoya, what are you doing to the liquor cabinet?"
Nagase looked up from where he was-hugging-their chic black liquor cabinet. "I had the worst nightmare ever. I was pregnant and you put a padlock on the alcohol and then you cooked the meat until it was brown."
"Wait, you were what?"
"Pregnant! Listen when I talk! No beer! At all!"
"…better you than me," Jun mused momentarily. "I mean, that must have been traumatizing, are you sure you don’t need a hug?"
The story had made its way around the office by noon; by two o’clock Nagase had overcome his traumatic nightmare enough to want to have sex in the third floor dance room during the fifteen common minutes Nagase and Jun had for daily breaks. Jun leaned against the mirror, still breathing hard from kissing, as Nagase dug through his pants for a condom.
"They’re gone," Nagase said, turning his wallet over and shaking it. Out fell fifteen thousand-yen bills, a mass of coins, a driver’s license, and two credit cards-and no condoms. "I had lube-" he gestured at the spent tube on the floor at Jun’s feet, "but…"
"You’re not allowed to just leave me hanging," Jun informed him levelly, "get back here. Now."
Well. Even traumatic nightmares weren’t going to make Nagase turn that down.
"GOD DAMN YOU AND YOUR SUPER SPERM I BOUGHT THESE PANTS LAST WEEK AND THEY LOOKED AWESOME!"
"Sorry," Nagase offered, rubbing his palm over Jun’s stomach in a circle and making a ridiculous face at where the baby was. Jun still looked really, really annoyed, but he snorted at Nagase’s crossed eyes and awkwardly opened mouth. Nagase laughed, and then-
"TOMOYA," Jun bellowed.
"Jun?" asked Nagase meekly, leaning his head into the bedroom.
"Ice cream. Strawberry. And anmitsu."
The hiatus Jun had been forced on once he’d started showing was not treating him well. Similarly, it wasn’t treating Nagase well, either-Johnny had been really, really mad about the whole getting his boyfriend pregnant thing, so Nagase had had to pick up the drama role Jun had had as a prospect on top of obeying Jun’s every whim. Nagase glanced at his watch. He could make it! Probably.
"I’ll be right back," he said.
Jun smiled at him, then, which made most of the being bossed around thing worth it-
"TOMOYAAAAAAA!"
"Yes?"
"You painted the baby room red?!"
"I wanted it to be badass!"
"We’re having a baby girl!"
"Doesn’t mean it can’t be badass!"
Nagase didn’t scream this time, but whimper, fingers digging tight into his pillow. He rolled over and reached blindly for Jun, hand settling on his stomach. "I’ll never do him again if you promise to keep the babies out," he informed Jun’s stomach gravelly. Jun didn’t even move, snoring.
"I’ll take that as a yes," Nagase said.
"You know, I kind of want strawberry ice cream," Jun commented, leaning against Nagase’s side and watching the movie Nagase had picked, wincing and hiding his face when the serial killer appeared without warning in the mirror behind the adult film star that was their heroine. On reflex, Nagase wrapped an arm around Jun, hauling him closer.
"Right after this?" asked Nagase, tensing up as he waited for the inevitable ‘and anmitsu don’t even complain this is entirely your fault’ to follow. Jun simply nodded easily, screwing his eyes shut again when the music changed, badly foreshadowing the inevitable demise of one of the scantily-clad, badly-acted minor cast members.
"These pants fit last week," Jun complained, flopping backward on the bed to try and fight his zipper up.
"What, did you put on weight?" asked Nagase suspiciously, wondering about baby weight and how fast that happened.
"Why, does it look that way?" asked Jun, sticking his head up to look at Nagase suspiciously.
"I don’t think so," Nagase said, eyeing him.
Jun gave him the evil eye for another moment or two. Eventually, he proved victorious over the magical shrinking pants by sucking in his stomach and fighting the button closure of his jeans together with a grunt. He grinned. "There we go," he said, "maybe I’m just bloated…"
Nagase breathed a sigh of relief. Then, Jun got up, and Nagase finally had the opportunity to eye the jeans Jun had been battling with for the last fifteen minutes. (Or, more appropriately, the ass in the jeans.)
"I think your jeans fit perfectly!" he said, brightly.
"It's a little hard to bend over," Jun answered.
"You don't need to bend over, your ass looks good enough-hey don't punch me that was a compliment!"
Jun closed the front door with his hip, phone shoved under his chin as he straightened the shoes at the front door and wrestled his raincoat into the tiny closet near the front door.
"No, no, it’s fine, Shun," he said, waving at Nagase and mouthing ‘tadaima’ silently on his way to the office, "go on without me. I don’t really feel like drinking as much these days. No it’s not you-well, all right, it’s not any more you than usual, you ass, between you and Ryo and Toma it’s a surprise I get any drinking done at all I spend all of it making sure nobody gets caught with their hands up a girl’s skirt-"
In the living room, Nagase’s hands on his guitar had created what was possibly the most mangled, terrible chord to ever exist in the whole grand history of music. The lyrics to the ballad he was working on flew from his head, never to return, as he mouthed oh god here it comes over and over until Jun had finished his conversation and padded back into the living room.
"I’m thinking gyudon for dinner," Jun declared, "unless you had something else you wanted?"
"Anything is fine," Nagase said, not glancing up.
Jun settled on the couch, raising an eyebrow as he stared Nagase down. "What’s wrong?" he asked, finally.
"It’s nothing," said Nagase, "just-frustrated with lyrics."
Jun made a face-did Nagase think he was stupid?-and finally loped off to go make dinner. He’d get it out of him with alcohol later.
"Wait, you want to make the office a what?" Jun squawked.
"A nursery for the baby!"
"Um. Tomoya," said Jun, coughing.
"What?"
"We’re not… having a baby. And even if we were I would not let you paint the room red and black with a motorcycle shaped crib and a mobile made of your used beer cans."
"Why not?! It matches the sidecar!"
"You don’t have a sidecar!"
"Yes I do!"
"…you bought a sidecar for a baby it’s physically impossible for you to have?"
"Not me, you!"
"…I’m just… not going to answer that. Please just send back the sidecar."
"Yes dear."
Nagase moped around the apartment for the next six weeks, probably just to piss off Jun, seeing as he would spontaneously burst into entirely fake sobs whenever he caught Jun looking at him.
"Oh would you stop it?" Jun finally asked, rolling his eyes.
"I had a little spot in my heart for our super-cute baby and you crushed it," Nagase whined.
"It was a baby in a nightmare world where your super-sperm got me pregnant despite physical impossibilities! It’s not my fault your delusional mind decided it was true! Besides, when we moved in together you said you were okay without children, and don’t even tell me that that’s not true because I have it in the contract we wrote up."
"I know," Nagase said, sighing.
"If you want a girlfriend so much go hook up with one of your co-stars," Jun grumbled.
"That’s not fair," Nagase said, turning to scowl at him.
Jun's eyes were downcast. "No, it wasn’t," he eventually agreed, "but neither is being mad at me for not having the proper equipment required to bring us a bundle of terror. I mean, joy-are you even listening to me?"
"Oh, look, you’re on television!" Nagase said, his eyes bright.
"I’m on television a lot," Jun pointed out weakly-"oh, god, this?"
"The puppy is so cuuuuute," Nagase crooned, "and and and it likes you look!"
Jun rolled his eyes. "We’re not getting a puppy," he said.
"Why not?!"
"Animals hate me."
"This one doesn’t!"
"He’s too young to know better, I guess!"
"Get him before he learns!"
"Will you just drop it, please?"
Nagase did not, in fact, drop it-for weeks, despite offerings of steaks, alcohol, sex whenever he wanted it for a week and, once, adoption of a baby and they could even get the motorcycle crib ("It’s not the same as the baby that we made together!"). At the end of his rope, Jun did what he always did in times of great adversity: he called up his mother.
"You could go back to your aunt’s shelter," his mother said, after chewing on the problem silently for a time.
"That way Tomoya-kun gets his puppy time, you keep the floors clean…"
"Mom, you’re the best."
"I know, dear~"
And this Jun put a stop to Nagase’s whining about wanting a little cute bundle of love to carry around and Ko-chan really likes Pan-chan so clearly there had to be something going for them Jun with a little help from his mother.
"Don’t think I’m going to let you try to sneak out that Labrador," Jun warned him when they pulled to a stop.
"Thaaaat’s why you made me take the motorcycle," Nagase accused, tossing his hair around after he’d hung his helmet up.
"That and I like your leather pants," agreed Jun, eyeing Nagase as he slid off of his motorcycle.
Nagase smirked, smugly. "That’s what they all say," he informed Jun, and then hissed when Jun punched him in retaliation.
"Come on," Jun said, rolling his eyes.
Nagase Tomoya was in puppy-land heaven. He made a series of roughly canine noises at the closest one as he scratched the elderly Daschund that served as the shelter’s mascot behind the ears; Jun settled lower in his chair, scowling. No matter how many times he had come here as a child none of the dogs (or the cats, or the hamsters, or the one time his aunt had had a ferret) paid any attention to him. This time wasn’t shaping up to be any different.
"Jun, I found an animal that might put up with you," called his aunt, and he tried not to be overly excited. He’d heard that before.
"See?"
Nagase looked up in time to see the parrot land on Jun’s shoulder. Jun had frozen, and was looking out the corner of his eye at the bird. Nagase bit back laughter; Jun glared at him and sent a couple of the puppies diving out the way in fear.
"It looks good," said Nagase, lips quirking, "you could be a sexy fabulous pirate!"
Jun scowled. "Don’t think I don’t notice you and your best friend over their getting all close. You’re not taking him home."
Nagase stuck out his lip and wibbled; Jun ignored him in favor of trying to say hello to the parrot.
Until the parrot starting squawking along to the words to ‘Naked’, that was.
"Nagase," said Jun, foot tapping impatiently, "we have things to do. Come on."
"Coming," called Nagase, sounding morose.
"…Nagase did you think I wouldn’t notice the squirming bundle of puppy under your shirt?"
Nagase drooped. "Yes?" he said, smiling weakly.
"Well, I didn’t. Put it back."
Nagase sighed the whole way home-Jun could feel the melodramatic shoulder shrugs that went with them. (He retaliated by rubbing his hips against Nagase's butt, which was enough distraction when they got home, at least.)
"What are you doing?" asked Nagase, as Jun eyed the sealant again.
"Coating the floors so the dog can’t ruin them," Jun said, distracted.
"Oh, oka-eeeeeeeeh? Wait a minute!"
"What?" asked Jun, tone and face innocent.
"The dog?"
"The dog," answered Jun.
"What dog? Jun don’t hold out on me!"
"Okay just-get off of me will you-I called the woman who bred that dog from the commercial and she told me she’d be willing to sell him to me so you’re getting a puppy as an anniversary present. I expect that Gucci necklace I showed you in return for this."
"Best anniversary ever!" Nagase crowed, tackling him.
"Ko-chan and Pan-chan and the puppy and I are going to have so much fuuuuun~ what should we name him?"
"You said last year was our best anniversary ever! And Prada!"
"You raise the bar every year! You've got a talent. And I’m not naming a dog after a fashion designer, that's just asking to get made fun of. What about Kagatobi?"
"WE’RE NOT NAMING THE DOG AFTER A SAKE BRAND."