Remember Coming Out of the Closet?
I feel like even my (2?) straight friends know what that was like... hiding yourself from everyone, not knowing if you'll ever belong, if you'll ever fit in, petrified of breaking the hearts of your friends, your family, your lover if you had one...
And then... you did. It was so hard. You wanted to run and hide but you just couldn't do it anymore, just couldn't fake it anymore. So you came out. You stopped hiding your secret, stopped hiding yourself. You expected it to be the rock-bottom of existance, the end of everything you loved or knew or dreamed, the exile.
But it wasn't. You told. You stood or fell, you sunk or swam, but you told. And you didn't die. You floundered, you panicked, you relied on yourself, and you made it to shore. Didn't you? And you found out who you were, didn't you? And you found out who your friends were. And you found out what you were capable of. And you began the journey into a world that may not be perfect, may not be ideal, but is real, and solid, and home. Didn't you?
I feel like that now.
I feel like I'm coming out of the closet... or like I've been asleep for a very, very, very long time, and I'm just waking up... and don't like what I see. Not in my world. I spent a lot of time last week with people I don't have enough time for. And it was brilliant. I am blessed to have all of you in my life, even those of you I *didn't* get to see. Don't think I don't know that. It's not that. It's me. How long have I been hiding? How long have I been running? Without even realizing it? Without letting myself realize it? And claiming self-awareness...?
I don't know exactly what I have to do, but, I know what I have to do. Not everyone is going to like it. Not everyone is going to respect me when I'm done. It may take a long time. It may cost me some friendships. It may mean risking a lot of what I thought I was. But it may also mean finding myself-- again-- coming to terms-- again-- preparing myself for my next reality, my next world, my next main goal.
That's what coming out of the closet is. No, wait-- that's life.
I'm not really sure right now if I'm finally being self-sufficient, or if I'm becomming even more self-sabatoging. But I'm gonna find out. And I'm hoping you'll all stay with me for the ride. <3
And then... you did. It was so hard. You wanted to run and hide but you just couldn't do it anymore, just couldn't fake it anymore. So you came out. You stopped hiding your secret, stopped hiding yourself. You expected it to be the rock-bottom of existance, the end of everything you loved or knew or dreamed, the exile.
But it wasn't. You told. You stood or fell, you sunk or swam, but you told. And you didn't die. You floundered, you panicked, you relied on yourself, and you made it to shore. Didn't you? And you found out who you were, didn't you? And you found out who your friends were. And you found out what you were capable of. And you began the journey into a world that may not be perfect, may not be ideal, but is real, and solid, and home. Didn't you?
I feel like that now.
I feel like I'm coming out of the closet... or like I've been asleep for a very, very, very long time, and I'm just waking up... and don't like what I see. Not in my world. I spent a lot of time last week with people I don't have enough time for. And it was brilliant. I am blessed to have all of you in my life, even those of you I *didn't* get to see. Don't think I don't know that. It's not that. It's me. How long have I been hiding? How long have I been running? Without even realizing it? Without letting myself realize it? And claiming self-awareness...?
I don't know exactly what I have to do, but, I know what I have to do. Not everyone is going to like it. Not everyone is going to respect me when I'm done. It may take a long time. It may cost me some friendships. It may mean risking a lot of what I thought I was. But it may also mean finding myself-- again-- coming to terms-- again-- preparing myself for my next reality, my next world, my next main goal.
That's what coming out of the closet is. No, wait-- that's life.
I'm not really sure right now if I'm finally being self-sufficient, or if I'm becomming even more self-sabatoging. But I'm gonna find out. And I'm hoping you'll all stay with me for the ride. <3