[For Joe]

[fourforone]

There's some kinda truth that just sneaks up on you and bites you in the ass sometimes. This here is one of them: I was an idiot about Joe Toye and I ought to stop being one because we're both still alive and maybe there's no war going on, but I need to stop acting like a prime-grade asshole about things

Comments

[remnantofjoseph]

Joe puts down his book and grabs a crutch--Gene wouldn't knock, but he's not sure who else wants to see him. "What d'you--"

"Oh," staring at Buck in the open doorway. "Here about baseball," he asks evenly, perhaps stalling, trying to settle on a feeling, or what to say to the man.

[fourforone]

I raise a brow and remind myself that it's not bound to be easy because Joe Toye is stubborn and I've got my pride, but I'm here and I'm not leaving before we talk. I thrust out the tin in my hands. "It's food, for the dogs. And nah, forget about baseball. I want to talk."

[remnantofjoseph]

"Forget about baseball? You sure you're not another clone?" He's joking, but not smiling, moving back over to the bed with the tin, stowing it underneath with the crutch. "Sit down if you want."

[fourforone]

I don't really laugh at the joke. It's not that good and I don't mean to be insincere, especially not now. I wander inside and sit down wearily, first place I can find. "I had no right to act the way I did to you. To pull rank and push my nose into things," I start, polite as anything. "But Joe, you had no right in hell to say what you did to me."

[remnantofjoseph]

He makes a rough sound at the back of his throat, not quite clearing it. "No shit," not just to Buck, but to himself. He doesn't deserve Buck's politeness, doesn't afford himself any, crossing his arms and staring at the floor, where his crutches peek from under the bed, at the ready. "I know it's not like that, I just wanted you to leave me alone." Like a cat in the death throes, mean and solitary, taking its hurt elsewhere. You never want to corner something in that state.

"Never want to be a lieutenant," he concedes, trying for a smile, managing a grimace. "Could never walk a line like that," friendship and power, and a lack of power, and no place to bitch even with every right.

[fourforone]

"Unless a sudden war breaks out, Joe, I don't think you need to worry about that," I comment idly because peace is the one thing I kept wanting and now that I have, I don't know what to do with it. Hell of a thing, really. "You still want me to leave you alone, or what?"

[remnantofjoseph]

"I don't know," he settles on, because Buck was after honesty before, he can at least have it now. "That day was fubar, got me in a mood. Didn't really want to see you guys." Now he has to figure out if he's still in that mood, like a burn that hasn't quite healed, can he stand to expose it to the heat.

[fourforone]

That still doesn't really answer my question and I give Joe a wary look. "So should I get out now while we're still being civil or what?" The last thing I want to do is get ourselves in an even worse fight. Doesn't seem like it'll do much to help us.

[remnantofjoseph]

"No, it's alright," he says quietly. Easier to expose it, and let Buck do with it what he will. He can trust him. "I'd rather know we were okay, whatever my mood."

[fourforone]

"Sometimes, Joe, you frustrate the fuck outta me," I have to be honest and say, because when that mood swings for the worst, sometimes it's all I can to do stand it. "So long as you promise me you don't mean it, that you're just lashing out, I think I can say that yeah, we're okay."

[remnantofjoseph]

"Only sometimes?" Easy to think, or know, he frustrated people a lot of the time, what little it did to stop him.

He shakes his head, "'Course I was lashing out, what right would I have to say shit like that."

[fourforone]

"Because you weren't all wrong." They're five of the hardest words I've ever had to say in my life and I clear my throat as soon as I get them out, staring down at my boots while I speak.

[remnantofjoseph]

"Yeah," he asks, arching a brow--if Buck wants to talk about it, Joe will listen, but he's leaving it up to Buck just the same. "Doesn't mean I got a right to say it, any more than having rank means you get to pull it."

[fourforone]

"So we're both assholes and we can move on now?" I offer hopefully seeing as dwelling on who did what and how much blame we can pin on each other. "I've missed talking to you, Joe."