cant sleep

[fountainhead687]

I cant sleep and I've been trying for a few hours now. I feel a little sick to my stomach. at times like these I feel like there has got to be something... somewhere... I dont know. like there has got to be something that is the ultimate knower of all morals. I mean, how much easier would that be, if I could just ask the knower of all morals... how culpable am I? who should get what blame? and for what things? what, exactly, should I feel guilty for throughout the night? I mean, a lot happened, and a lot of it was my responsibility to prevent, but not my fault... right? or, was it my fault because it was my responsibility and I totally failed? I mean, where do you draw the line? I dont feel like other people are blaming me yet... and that makes me feel really bad. I let down a lot of people. and the fact that I wasnt the only one that let down a lot of people doesnt exempt me from the blame, does it? no. I know that one, I dont even need the Knower of all Morals for that one. I am culpable, completely culpable and negligent. I was looking after someone who was not my responsibility, and shirked my actual responsibility. I think. yeah. I think. so, ok, so now I've thought it out, in this little thought process of mine, this thing I do in order to think, typing. I've thought it out, I think I've figured it out, but am I even right? ok, I accept full responsibility according to the old rules, but I want to change those rules. is that cool? can we do that? that brings me to another strand of thought... do I only want to change the rules because with a different set of rules I would not be culpable? maybe. but I also think that with another set of rules everyone would be more willing to lend a hand... maybe the fact of the matter is that no one wants to stick their neck out, and now we're trying to prevent decapitation, but no matter what, whenever you drive you run the rick of dying. yeah, I know that last sentance didnt make sense, and I'm ok with that. I'm pretty tired, and pretty stressed out and ridden with guilt and shame. its hard to write a coherent thought, sorry.

on a side note, if bad things really do come in threes I just got my third, and nobody dies this time. what a relief.