Nov 07, 2007 19:50
You know...I said I don't know how to deal with being happy. And I think it's really true, that I really don't know how to. lately I have been pretty happy...life is good. But then when I dont have anything to do...and I start to think...I feel like shit about feeling happy. I just don't get it. Why can't I just be happy, nothing more, just that? but noooo...now I actually feel like I want something to cry about, while I don't.
There is seriously something wrong with this world...or at least my world...And I shouldn't feel like this, because there are so many more people that actually have a reason to feel like shit.
Man this is weird. And I've been trying to meditate lately just so that I could get it out of my system...but it isnt really working. It's either that I tell myself to go meditate, but then I dont feel like actually looking for a quiet place and actually doing it. Or I try, but I can't concentrate. It sucks. Because I really want to get to that point where I can just block out thoughts that I don't want to have (it's a process...takes practice...but I want to get there. That, to me, is the whole purpose of meditating). However, it's not working like this. I'm not getting one fucking step foreward towards that point...not one.
It sucks. It really does. Because I really do need to get this out of my system; there is no point of it being there.
School isn't that busy, so what the hell is wrong. nothing, right? yeah..thats what i thought.
oh yeah. and then i have another problem. I havent talked with anyone about this except Nathalie, just because...well...I love her like that. It might not sound like a problem to you...but it is to me...
So...I told everyone that basically I was gonna stay here for another year. But now I am kinda thinking about just leaving and go live on my own in the netherlands again...Just because...I don't know. I really don't see the point of staying here anymore...I try to think of one...and besides the fact that it's gonna be another experience and all that bullcrap...i really can't think of any others.
So then lets say I want to move back...live on my own...at age 17...all alone...in a country where my parents are not. I know I could do it. Yeah, I will feel like shit somedays...and I will get in trouble, and I will screw up...but that's okay, because that's what is supposed to happen. Then I still have to make a choice of whether or not I want to leave Maastricht on my number one choice of where I want to live...since I really like that city, a lot. But then again, nobody I know lives there. Nicole and Rob were gonna go back to their house over there, but now they're staying here for another year too. So if I did that, I would be all alone...like...totally alone. Not able to go to anybody for help, except for the new people I meet...but that's gonna be awkward. The closest relative would be my aunt, an hour away by train.
So then....I could also put Amsterdam on my number one choice (it's gonna go on number two anyways) but I really want to go to Maastricht because they have a better program. But in Amsterdam, there's people I know. There's Raghna, whom I love and is like a sister to me. Michel lives there too....I havent seen him in a while (2 years) but I know I will always be welcome to look for support, if he has time since he's an actor and buisy and crap. And then there is Nathalie, who will move there this summer also. that would be awesome, if we lived in the same city and we could go to gay clubs together (even though she's as straight as can be) and get drunk and stoned and forget about the world with the two of us...
that sounds great right now...i think i might do that.
but then again i do want to stay here for another year, for some weird, unknown reason. But on the other hand I really don't...
I'm tired thinking about this...debating with myself. Because I know I'll never make the right choice anyways...
I never do.