(no subject)
I need to let my emotions go. I've caged myself in so tightly that nothing shows through. And I am frightened of what would. My greatest fear has always been the loss of mental control to the demands of my body. To have my own physical form undermine me. It is why torture, excruciating pain, terrified me. But this cage takes energy. An energy I have never had access to, for it has always been there that I remember. Such tight control that even I do not believe these emotions exist. Only the worst pain can override my block. And when it does, it breaks me. Drowns me. I am empty of the petty emotions of everyday humans. Without the desires, concerns, frustrations. I show some, of course, because I must fit. Conceal myself within humanity. But I know that they are fake. That I have created them as a mask to cover the wall that covers my real emotions. And this layering, this shell, is too much work. I have actively ended most of the outer coating. But I cannot crash that wall. Because I can't find it. Am afraid to find it. Don't want to find it. So I hide me from myself.