Inverted Emotional Roller Coaster (X-Posted from OD)
Oh, and what a trip it is. I'm going to give a recap of some of the occurrences in my life lately:
1) I was selected to participate in the Tri-State Honor Band Festival at FSU in Tallahassee (end of Nov). About ten people were nominated from my school, and from every other school in Georgia, Florida and Alabama. On Alto Sax, there are only about 8-16 people chosen from the three states, and I'm one of them. The other person chosen from my school, thankfully, was Jon. I previously had thought if I was lucky to make it, along with someone else from Southridge, that it would probably end up being someone who I didn't get along with. But, it was JON! Of all people, someone who I've been very close with throughout most of HS. So this was a BIG high for me last week!
2) I was nominated for a full scholarship to the University of Miami through the Legion of Honor (sponsored by the Orange Bowl). Out of about ten applicants from my school, they only chose one guy and one girl. I was the female chosen. Every school in Miami-Dade and Broward sends in two nominations, and out of those, a certain number are selected for full scholarships and get to do some schnazzy thing, like ride on a big float in the Orange Bowl Parade (which I march in every year anyway). But, the scholarship would be amazingly cool.
3) My kitty, Maxseena, is probably near death. She's my Mom's favorite, and we've had her about 12 years or so. She has been vomiting and doing diarrhea for the past week or so, hasn't eaten, hasn't slept, and we have to force water (and Pedialite) down her throat every other hour. They ran tests, and only found a stomach bacteria. She is vomiting green liquid, it's disgusting and really frightening. She feels like a rail fence. I didn't pick her out to be ours' years ago, but I love her nonetheless. She has the sweetest disposition, despite the fact that she vomited all over me just about an hour ago. She's going to die, and I'm not ready to lose her.
4) I got the new class rankings, and I am still Salutatorian (2nd in a class of 971 students), which is great. Found that out about two weeks ago.
5) I have been really sick. I've had a stomach virus (and have been pretty depressed) for about 2 and 1/2 weeks. I missed seven days of school party because of the virus, partly because I really had little motivation to get up and go to school. After missing so much time, chances are a few of my grades will drop to B's, and I may just lose that Salutatorian spot. This really bothers me. And still feeling really burnt out, my stomach isn't better. I'm hungry, but can eat almost nothing without my stomach hurting. I went back to school today anyway, and of course, I have a ton of homework to catch up on, which will leave me feeling stressed out for the next few weeks.
6) I got two new CD's from the CD Exchange today: Ace of Base - "The Bridge," and Tori Amos, "Tori Amos from the Chorgirl Hotel." Guess this was a momentary treat for me. They're good CD's.
7) A female friend of mine, Rachel (who's bisexual), is flirting with me in more ways than one, yet she claims she feels guilty about it since she has a girlfriend. I just don't know how I feel about this at all. It doesn't bother me, doesn't offend me at all either. It's just different. Not bad, not good. Different. I'm not disinterested in girls, but at the same time, it's all rather new to me..
8) My schedule still hasn't been corrected in school, although I'm working to get that done this week. Changing my schedule will also lower my Grade Point Average (long story), and will possibly lead to me losing the class ranking. It wasn't all that important to me at first, but now it's beginning to seem like an honor that I'd really love to have.
9) At both of our marching band competitions, we've done rather terrible. At the first, we marched a bad show, and got no awards. At the second competition, we marched a "GREAT show" (according to the directors and most of the band), and still got no awards. While this upsets mostly everyone, it doesn't upset me in the least. I was prepared for the crap to happen -- it's all in the leadership this year. I anticipated this season would be negative -- if it is anything but that, I'll be surprised. I'm actually glad that we're not doing well -- perhaps it will mean that the band staff will be more cautiously chosen next year, and that the band's show will also be more cautiously chosen. Of course I'll have graduated, but I would like to see SOMETHING come of the negativity.
10) I got my Senior Pictures back, and had a terrible time trying to pick and choose pictures, sizes, the package, etc., They all came out fairly well. Finally got that accomplished at least.
11) I've been feeling very disconnected from people lately, in general. I don't know exactly why. But, there is a specific group as well -- they're online friends of mine, out in CA, but they share so much together, and even though they say I'm part of their group, I don't feel as though I am. And it's too fairy-tale-ish to try to mesh with a group that's so far -- it's only causing me to want to be closer to all of them, yet I feel as though I'm continually realizing how far I am. There's a lot more than this.. but that's the basics of that situation....
12) My Grandmother has been really sick lately, having back problems, diabetes problems, etc. I'm extremely worried about her. This isn't her arbitrary stuff -- it's different; she's been really bad. I guess I'm just worried about losing her, too.
13) I was nominated for some Superlatives by some of my Senior class friends while I was absent. The nominating and voting took place last week, and I figured that I probably wasn't nominated for anything since I wasn't there. However, I came to find out that I was nominated for "Most Likely to Succeed," "Most Intelligent," and "Most Talented." So, this was a bit of a high for me -- although I'm sure I won't win the popularity contest. I'll find out the results later this week, probably.
Some of this seems far too trivial and whiny. I don't know what else to write, even. There's so much more on my mind, so much more going on.
Below, I've copied and pasted a bit of a conversation that I had tonight online. I can't believe how crazy I sounded when I reread what I'd written!
"I don't know which way to go first.. and I have so much to do tonight. It's already one in the morning, and I need a shower, and God. I think I'm going insane. And my cat is dying, but I made tri-state. I am nominated for a full scholarship, but my cat is dying. And, I'm salutatorian, but I will probably lose it after being out for 7 days. And the cat vomited all over me, and now I have to shower again. and I haven't done any homework. But hey, life is good since I got two new CD's, Ace of Base and more Tori. But, I'm in a fog. And I missed the Teen Chat thing tonight.
Well, my Mom is sick and my still stomach hurts. Real bad, So, I can't eat even though I'm hungry. Of course, my cat is dying, slowly but surely, and they don't know why. I give up. She is 13, the oldest we have, my Mom's favorite. Had her 12 yrs? Fuck the homework with a dying cat on my hands. This came out of nowhere. She was fine 2 weeks ago. I'm just a goddamn mess, but I got two good CD's, and nominations, and other stuff. I don't know whether to celebrate or bawl. and I am happy but hurting. I am tired and in pain, my Mom isn't coming home early from work, so I have to feed this cat pedialight the rest of the night No homework, no sleep, no easing of a multitude of pain. I was mean to Seena when I was little, and she is so sick. I can tell that she wants my Mom and that I'm not comforting to her, she doesn't want me to be with her right now. I can tell, and I'm so heavy hearted. And, still, this music is so good, But, I am so frustrated. I want to play the saxophone or do something.. but my stomach hurts too much and well, I've got green vomit stains on my legs/feet. So, I need to shower again.. yuck. I'm tired of fuckin' crackers and pretzels. I ate soup for dinner and now I can't stop burping. The sharp pains won't go away, and my heart's aching so deeply. I'm drowning. I swear it. I'm drowning in my emotions. And I have cramps and my period too! This cat is sicker than shit. I wish I had a good CD for every burp I'm making. Everyone and everything around me always dies. I am sooooooo tired."
Sure, there was a bit of conversation from her that I didn't post, but nonetheless -- what choppy thoughts and rambling. Just seems like there is far too much going on right now in such a short time span... I guess this is what happens when I let things build up.
1) I was selected to participate in the Tri-State Honor Band Festival at FSU in Tallahassee (end of Nov). About ten people were nominated from my school, and from every other school in Georgia, Florida and Alabama. On Alto Sax, there are only about 8-16 people chosen from the three states, and I'm one of them. The other person chosen from my school, thankfully, was Jon. I previously had thought if I was lucky to make it, along with someone else from Southridge, that it would probably end up being someone who I didn't get along with. But, it was JON! Of all people, someone who I've been very close with throughout most of HS. So this was a BIG high for me last week!
2) I was nominated for a full scholarship to the University of Miami through the Legion of Honor (sponsored by the Orange Bowl). Out of about ten applicants from my school, they only chose one guy and one girl. I was the female chosen. Every school in Miami-Dade and Broward sends in two nominations, and out of those, a certain number are selected for full scholarships and get to do some schnazzy thing, like ride on a big float in the Orange Bowl Parade (which I march in every year anyway). But, the scholarship would be amazingly cool.
3) My kitty, Maxseena, is probably near death. She's my Mom's favorite, and we've had her about 12 years or so. She has been vomiting and doing diarrhea for the past week or so, hasn't eaten, hasn't slept, and we have to force water (and Pedialite) down her throat every other hour. They ran tests, and only found a stomach bacteria. She is vomiting green liquid, it's disgusting and really frightening. She feels like a rail fence. I didn't pick her out to be ours' years ago, but I love her nonetheless. She has the sweetest disposition, despite the fact that she vomited all over me just about an hour ago. She's going to die, and I'm not ready to lose her.
4) I got the new class rankings, and I am still Salutatorian (2nd in a class of 971 students), which is great. Found that out about two weeks ago.
5) I have been really sick. I've had a stomach virus (and have been pretty depressed) for about 2 and 1/2 weeks. I missed seven days of school party because of the virus, partly because I really had little motivation to get up and go to school. After missing so much time, chances are a few of my grades will drop to B's, and I may just lose that Salutatorian spot. This really bothers me. And still feeling really burnt out, my stomach isn't better. I'm hungry, but can eat almost nothing without my stomach hurting. I went back to school today anyway, and of course, I have a ton of homework to catch up on, which will leave me feeling stressed out for the next few weeks.
6) I got two new CD's from the CD Exchange today: Ace of Base - "The Bridge," and Tori Amos, "Tori Amos from the Chorgirl Hotel." Guess this was a momentary treat for me. They're good CD's.
7) A female friend of mine, Rachel (who's bisexual), is flirting with me in more ways than one, yet she claims she feels guilty about it since she has a girlfriend. I just don't know how I feel about this at all. It doesn't bother me, doesn't offend me at all either. It's just different. Not bad, not good. Different. I'm not disinterested in girls, but at the same time, it's all rather new to me..
8) My schedule still hasn't been corrected in school, although I'm working to get that done this week. Changing my schedule will also lower my Grade Point Average (long story), and will possibly lead to me losing the class ranking. It wasn't all that important to me at first, but now it's beginning to seem like an honor that I'd really love to have.
9) At both of our marching band competitions, we've done rather terrible. At the first, we marched a bad show, and got no awards. At the second competition, we marched a "GREAT show" (according to the directors and most of the band), and still got no awards. While this upsets mostly everyone, it doesn't upset me in the least. I was prepared for the crap to happen -- it's all in the leadership this year. I anticipated this season would be negative -- if it is anything but that, I'll be surprised. I'm actually glad that we're not doing well -- perhaps it will mean that the band staff will be more cautiously chosen next year, and that the band's show will also be more cautiously chosen. Of course I'll have graduated, but I would like to see SOMETHING come of the negativity.
10) I got my Senior Pictures back, and had a terrible time trying to pick and choose pictures, sizes, the package, etc., They all came out fairly well. Finally got that accomplished at least.
11) I've been feeling very disconnected from people lately, in general. I don't know exactly why. But, there is a specific group as well -- they're online friends of mine, out in CA, but they share so much together, and even though they say I'm part of their group, I don't feel as though I am. And it's too fairy-tale-ish to try to mesh with a group that's so far -- it's only causing me to want to be closer to all of them, yet I feel as though I'm continually realizing how far I am. There's a lot more than this.. but that's the basics of that situation....
12) My Grandmother has been really sick lately, having back problems, diabetes problems, etc. I'm extremely worried about her. This isn't her arbitrary stuff -- it's different; she's been really bad. I guess I'm just worried about losing her, too.
13) I was nominated for some Superlatives by some of my Senior class friends while I was absent. The nominating and voting took place last week, and I figured that I probably wasn't nominated for anything since I wasn't there. However, I came to find out that I was nominated for "Most Likely to Succeed," "Most Intelligent," and "Most Talented." So, this was a bit of a high for me -- although I'm sure I won't win the popularity contest. I'll find out the results later this week, probably.
Some of this seems far too trivial and whiny. I don't know what else to write, even. There's so much more on my mind, so much more going on.
Below, I've copied and pasted a bit of a conversation that I had tonight online. I can't believe how crazy I sounded when I reread what I'd written!
"I don't know which way to go first.. and I have so much to do tonight. It's already one in the morning, and I need a shower, and God. I think I'm going insane. And my cat is dying, but I made tri-state. I am nominated for a full scholarship, but my cat is dying. And, I'm salutatorian, but I will probably lose it after being out for 7 days. And the cat vomited all over me, and now I have to shower again. and I haven't done any homework. But hey, life is good since I got two new CD's, Ace of Base and more Tori. But, I'm in a fog. And I missed the Teen Chat thing tonight.
Well, my Mom is sick and my still stomach hurts. Real bad, So, I can't eat even though I'm hungry. Of course, my cat is dying, slowly but surely, and they don't know why. I give up. She is 13, the oldest we have, my Mom's favorite. Had her 12 yrs? Fuck the homework with a dying cat on my hands. This came out of nowhere. She was fine 2 weeks ago. I'm just a goddamn mess, but I got two good CD's, and nominations, and other stuff. I don't know whether to celebrate or bawl. and I am happy but hurting. I am tired and in pain, my Mom isn't coming home early from work, so I have to feed this cat pedialight the rest of the night No homework, no sleep, no easing of a multitude of pain. I was mean to Seena when I was little, and she is so sick. I can tell that she wants my Mom and that I'm not comforting to her, she doesn't want me to be with her right now. I can tell, and I'm so heavy hearted. And, still, this music is so good, But, I am so frustrated. I want to play the saxophone or do something.. but my stomach hurts too much and well, I've got green vomit stains on my legs/feet. So, I need to shower again.. yuck. I'm tired of fuckin' crackers and pretzels. I ate soup for dinner and now I can't stop burping. The sharp pains won't go away, and my heart's aching so deeply. I'm drowning. I swear it. I'm drowning in my emotions. And I have cramps and my period too! This cat is sicker than shit. I wish I had a good CD for every burp I'm making. Everyone and everything around me always dies. I am sooooooo tired."
Sure, there was a bit of conversation from her that I didn't post, but nonetheless -- what choppy thoughts and rambling. Just seems like there is far too much going on right now in such a short time span... I guess this is what happens when I let things build up.