Tori Amos & Ben Folds (X-Posted from OD)
So I made it to the Tori Amos and Ben Folds concert. A half an hour late. But still made it. Saw Ben Folds... but only for a half an hour. The people I went with really went to see Ben, so they were pretty annoyed... but I went to see Ben AND Tori, so even though we only saw half of his set, I wasn't too disappointed.
Got to hear "Brick" and "Army," which were the reasons I wanted to see him anyway :)
Even though my friends really weren't into Tori, I personally think she was amazing! Granted, the sound system really sucked and she was muffled and her songs all sounded slurred and unintelligable, but she was still great. She is an amazing lyricist and artist (despite her "humping" the piano bench). *wink*
Anyway, I really enjoyed the concert, even though I missed the last song... my friends were like "please, we've been listening to Tori Amos for 3 hours, and we're going to get stuck in traffic if we don't leave now... grrr.... argh...," so I missed the ending. I hate missing the ending to ANYTHING, let alone a concert that I paid 60 bucks for. But whatever. So there was really no closure to the performance... but Ben & Tori still rock.
Beyond that, hearing Ben Folds almost hurt. Hearing him made me think of LeeAnn and Evelyng. They introduced me to Ben, and forced me to listen to him every time we were in my car! I always complained that he was awful and whiny, but in the end, the lyrics grabbed me, and I ended up with nearly all of the Ben Folds Five CD's. The first sentence of "Army," and I found myself hanging by a very bittersweet rope. I was captured by his amazing piano playing, but the memories of Evelyng trying to play the drum part, while LeeAnn screamed something about "Dad said son you're fuckin high," and while David banged out the real drum part on his knees.... all the sudden I was choked up. Or maybe it was just the smell of weed in the amphitheatre.
I miss David too. But really, I miss Evelyng and LeeAnn. So much that I can't even think about it without breaking down into some sort of juvenile version of crying. It's actually rather horrific. I'm so terribly dependent on my memories. The nostalgia. But yet I hate it so much! I just want them in my life so much. I called Evelyng to tell her about me coming up to see Ben Folds, and I told her that I loved her and missed her, and that listening to Ben made me want to call her. She didn't call back. And I haven't seen LeeAnn in more than a year.
I hate it. I hate that they aren't in my life now. I almost hate the memories as much as I love them. Some of my feelings surrounding losing their friendship (and losing all of the other relationships in my life, espescially the more recent losses) definitely relate to my current relationships... their standstills, their seeming inability to develop into something more than they are. It's not conscious. I just can't get over the hump anymore. There's such a blockade at the top... if you can call it a top. I guess it's a subconscious, inherent fear -- loss. But if I'm able to verbalize the blockade... or at least, guess at its existence, then maybe it's not all subconscious afterall. Maybe it's just another part of my grand scheme to keep myself from losing anyone else.
Damn Ben Folds. Damn friends. Damn memories.