New Semester (X-posted from OD)
I can't decide what to think or feel about this new semester here. One minute I'm excited, the next minute I dread it all. Good news is that I retained my double room all to myself... they didn't move some freak in (well, not that I'm not a freak). And Tanya loaned me Fridgey, so I've got cute snacks (like apple sauce and juicy juice) in the fridge... and I pushed the two beds together to make one big bed (now if I can just find sheets and a mattress pad for it, it'll be fully functional -- for now, it just holds stuff that I don't know where to put yet). Anyway, it's different with Tanya not being on the floor, though. Quiet and sorta lonely, definitely less silly. Jaime came by tonight around 12 something, and Tanya talked with us on webcam. But it's still not the same. Not that it's the biggest deal, but you just get used to things being a certain way in life, and then they change. I think I realize that I don't really like change all that much.
Before Tanya left, she slid a little card under my door that read "When the most important things in our life happen, we quite often do not know, at the moment, what is going on" (C.S. Lewis). And how true. I never realized how much I'd end up enjoying Tanya's company & wit, or how much I'd end up enjoying my philosophical discussions with Jaime about things like, oh, well... how we're all like pimples on the ass of the world. Or how much I'd end up liking most of the SAIers (when they act like themselves instead of someone they're not), or how important marching band would become to me. Then too, there's the same confusion about the milestone negative things... like how I can't figure out what the hell IS going on with the band (staff) situation, or how i can't figure out what state most of my friendships are in... and the list goes on (i'm just feeling lazy). Anyway, for some reason the card made me cry a little when i first read it, and then the note on Tanya's door said "Lila, I'm going downstairs, be right back." And she was already long gone and driving home... and I cried and realized that the meaning of the card (at least on the surface) was that hindsight is so incredibly valuable, and that sometimes you just have to let things lie until you can figure them out -- when the moment has passed.
So I guess there's no point, really, in trying to figure out how I feel about being back to routine. I just have to let it be until it makes sense. I just don't feel like I'm in my element, my niche, yet. Something or somethings are still missing. And I don't know what. Maybe it's friends, or a best friend, or the college experience that I had dreamed of, or the person I hoped to become in college. Maybe it's the experiences that I'm not having that cause the bouts of emptiness, or the experiences that I've had but can't make sense of yet. Either way, it just doesn't feel "right" ... at least not at the moment. Being back at school seems unsure and rocky. Slow-moving. Perhaps I just haven't had enough sleep. I hope it will not be like this every day... the feeling confused and misplaced. Then again, it's only Day One. Of Semester Six. I think I just want the moment (whatever it is) to end, so I can figure out what's going on.