worn out.
after a deep, soul searching sob session, i feel completely worn out. i was watching shit on you tube... all kinds of stuff, and somehow stumbled onto some more dave videos. there was a tribute to leroi from night one of the Gorge and it's what started me a cryin'. i'm not sure how you can feel so much for someone you never met, but when i watched that video, it hit me right in the gut. even after it was over, i was just aching inside... not necessarily over leroi, but over things in general.
i sent leeann a message - we talked the day i found out about leroi's passing. so much of that music is intermingled with those few years of my life when leeann, evelyng, david, ivan and jon were the only people that mattered. leeann was the first person i thought to call.. i knew she'd be deeply affected by the news. several minutes into the conversation, several topics later, she got into telling me a story about how she was raped recently but was slowly recovering. i literally had to cut her off because my stupid new boss wandered into my office and started asking me questions (even though my headset was on). i told her i'd call her back but he distracted me for over an hour... she didn't return my calls/messages afterwards. she's one part of my life that's still really missing that i'd like to bring back before it's too late. so i sent her a message and i just hope she writes back.
and in other news, my back is out. i almost can't walk. hell, what am i saying? even sitting is a chore. i feel like i'm falling apart inside and out and while i know only i can fix me (and know have to), where the fuck is motivation when you need it the most? in my head, i keep hearing snippets of that big IM conversation i had with Marisa a few weeks back - and i know how right she is. when shit's the worst, that's when you almost have to be at your best... dig deep, find that olympian in yourself and just work on fixing things bit by bit. i just don't know where that inner hero is. i'm living day to day, hardly even aware of the passage of time.
i have never been this unhappy with myself in my entire life - my weight, my job, my identity, my addiction, my family, my lackluster abilities. then i look around and realize that the world (and so very many people in it) is much worse off. i almost begin to feel guilty for my self-loathing. then i hear the voice of reason saying, "but it's your world; only you can experience your life. nobody else's experiences can discredit what you are going through." like a 6 year old with a tiny cut on his leg - you want to tell him to stop being a wuss, that someone else's leg just got cut off. yet you realize that, to him, it's the biggest thing in his world at this very moment. i just can't ever allow myself to be that 6 year old.
it's sad that the very act of experiencing my own emotions causes me grave intellectual conflict. and everything i experience ties into music... lyrics/music... seem like the only way i can feel anything lately.
so i just keep listening.
this song has been running through my head all day:
No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?
Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?
So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate"
"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"
Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train
~John Mayer
i sent leeann a message - we talked the day i found out about leroi's passing. so much of that music is intermingled with those few years of my life when leeann, evelyng, david, ivan and jon were the only people that mattered. leeann was the first person i thought to call.. i knew she'd be deeply affected by the news. several minutes into the conversation, several topics later, she got into telling me a story about how she was raped recently but was slowly recovering. i literally had to cut her off because my stupid new boss wandered into my office and started asking me questions (even though my headset was on). i told her i'd call her back but he distracted me for over an hour... she didn't return my calls/messages afterwards. she's one part of my life that's still really missing that i'd like to bring back before it's too late. so i sent her a message and i just hope she writes back.
and in other news, my back is out. i almost can't walk. hell, what am i saying? even sitting is a chore. i feel like i'm falling apart inside and out and while i know only i can fix me (and know have to), where the fuck is motivation when you need it the most? in my head, i keep hearing snippets of that big IM conversation i had with Marisa a few weeks back - and i know how right she is. when shit's the worst, that's when you almost have to be at your best... dig deep, find that olympian in yourself and just work on fixing things bit by bit. i just don't know where that inner hero is. i'm living day to day, hardly even aware of the passage of time.
i have never been this unhappy with myself in my entire life - my weight, my job, my identity, my addiction, my family, my lackluster abilities. then i look around and realize that the world (and so very many people in it) is much worse off. i almost begin to feel guilty for my self-loathing. then i hear the voice of reason saying, "but it's your world; only you can experience your life. nobody else's experiences can discredit what you are going through." like a 6 year old with a tiny cut on his leg - you want to tell him to stop being a wuss, that someone else's leg just got cut off. yet you realize that, to him, it's the biggest thing in his world at this very moment. i just can't ever allow myself to be that 6 year old.
it's sad that the very act of experiencing my own emotions causes me grave intellectual conflict. and everything i experience ties into music... lyrics/music... seem like the only way i can feel anything lately.
so i just keep listening.
this song has been running through my head all day:
No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?
Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?
So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate"
"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"
Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train
~John Mayer