Avoidance
I guess I've been avoiding this LJ thing for long enough...
I wanted to write every day on opendiary.com. I never did, just wanted to. When Amy made a background for me here on LJ, I figured I would write more often and with more intensity since people I knew would actually read it. Instead, that's just kept me away. I'm afraid to say things here, and that's weird, since online is normally easier.
I don't know. Just seems permanent and lasting.
Nevertheless, some kind of update is definitely in order, considering how confusing and disorderly life is right now.
I've applied for Teach for America, but now the registrar won't give me the needed transcripts because I'm not financially registered. I've spent hours on this already; the application, the recommendation letters. I will be so incredibly disappointed if I don't even get the opportunity to interview (just because I owe UM $1600). This is a 38k/yr opportunity...not to mention the whole social movement part.
Yet, at the same time, I'm not sure if I want to go this route, even if I DO get to interview and DO get accepted. I don't know if I want to spend two years teaching before graduate school or law school. And if I get into Teach for America, do I choose to stay in Miami or go to N'Orleans or Vegas? I want to grow and get out of here, but I am so pathetically tied to Miami. My nostalgia keeps me here ... my mom, my grandparents, my dog, my few friends keep me here. I don't know if I can really move on without any of that.
I met a card dealer who deals at Miccosukee. He says he makes 110k per year...which sounds a lot more appealing than 38k teaching. And it's cards. I don't know if this is what I want either, but I think I have to take the card dealer school first anwyay... so I guess I should look into that.
What about photography? Where is that going? Am I going to just throw something away that I've been so passionate about for the past 3 years? Just say I'm not talented and toss it?
What about music? I teach 20+ kids right now. If I stay in Miami, I can continue to teach at Music Works, at least some of the time. But I don't know if I want to teach music anyway! I want to play! Really play, not just toy around. I want to learn theory and learn how to imrov better and really gain the dexterity on my instrument that other people my age have. I came to college with musical aspirations and I let them die. Yet, obviously they aren't quite dead... because every time I hear good jazz, it almost hurts. I think about how I let this incredible passion fall by the wayside, in exchange for a 50 cent education in psychology, and I become angry and bitter -- at myself, at UM, at G. Keller, A. Space, DeCarbo, the lot of them. This feels like a wasted four years. I didn't do what I set out to do.
I can't stop lamenting over the past. I am so overwhelmed and confused about my future ... which I have no business spending so much time thinking about anyway, considering that I'm currently taking 19 credits (6 are my independent study, for which I only met with the professor twice on, and have done NO work for).
I can't even choose what to eat on a menu, let alone choose a path to take for the rest of my life. I just want to take my podunk BA degree and move on. Just don't know where to move to.
For right now, I'm just going to pack my bags for Texas. Alternative Spring Break ... I'm volunteering with the migrant farm workers as a site-leader (because that's what all college seniors do on their last Spring break, don't they?). Yee-Haw.
I wanted to write every day on opendiary.com. I never did, just wanted to. When Amy made a background for me here on LJ, I figured I would write more often and with more intensity since people I knew would actually read it. Instead, that's just kept me away. I'm afraid to say things here, and that's weird, since online is normally easier.
I don't know. Just seems permanent and lasting.
Nevertheless, some kind of update is definitely in order, considering how confusing and disorderly life is right now.
I've applied for Teach for America, but now the registrar won't give me the needed transcripts because I'm not financially registered. I've spent hours on this already; the application, the recommendation letters. I will be so incredibly disappointed if I don't even get the opportunity to interview (just because I owe UM $1600). This is a 38k/yr opportunity...not to mention the whole social movement part.
Yet, at the same time, I'm not sure if I want to go this route, even if I DO get to interview and DO get accepted. I don't know if I want to spend two years teaching before graduate school or law school. And if I get into Teach for America, do I choose to stay in Miami or go to N'Orleans or Vegas? I want to grow and get out of here, but I am so pathetically tied to Miami. My nostalgia keeps me here ... my mom, my grandparents, my dog, my few friends keep me here. I don't know if I can really move on without any of that.
I met a card dealer who deals at Miccosukee. He says he makes 110k per year...which sounds a lot more appealing than 38k teaching. And it's cards. I don't know if this is what I want either, but I think I have to take the card dealer school first anwyay... so I guess I should look into that.
What about photography? Where is that going? Am I going to just throw something away that I've been so passionate about for the past 3 years? Just say I'm not talented and toss it?
What about music? I teach 20+ kids right now. If I stay in Miami, I can continue to teach at Music Works, at least some of the time. But I don't know if I want to teach music anyway! I want to play! Really play, not just toy around. I want to learn theory and learn how to imrov better and really gain the dexterity on my instrument that other people my age have. I came to college with musical aspirations and I let them die. Yet, obviously they aren't quite dead... because every time I hear good jazz, it almost hurts. I think about how I let this incredible passion fall by the wayside, in exchange for a 50 cent education in psychology, and I become angry and bitter -- at myself, at UM, at G. Keller, A. Space, DeCarbo, the lot of them. This feels like a wasted four years. I didn't do what I set out to do.
I can't stop lamenting over the past. I am so overwhelmed and confused about my future ... which I have no business spending so much time thinking about anyway, considering that I'm currently taking 19 credits (6 are my independent study, for which I only met with the professor twice on, and have done NO work for).
I can't even choose what to eat on a menu, let alone choose a path to take for the rest of my life. I just want to take my podunk BA degree and move on. Just don't know where to move to.
For right now, I'm just going to pack my bags for Texas. Alternative Spring Break ... I'm volunteering with the migrant farm workers as a site-leader (because that's what all college seniors do on their last Spring break, don't they?). Yee-Haw.