Outs
I have a profound respect for outs.
Outs allow us to withold participation in any number of things while still retaining our respectability and potential for further invitations.
I love having outs - for those days when I don't care to gather in a large group to play or participate in activity I really have no interest in. It's wonderful to have that one small project to work on that I can always pull out of the closet to keep me "busy".
For better or for worse, I have extended my respect of outs to dating. I know I'm horrible a picking up "signals" and sometimes a good out - taken, or left in the closet - says things much for clearly. For example:
Me: I'm going to be baking some bread this afternoon. Would you like to some over and help?
Girl: Sure.
Now what exactly is she saying? "[Is he finally getting around to asking me to do something with him? It's about time. Gotta play it cool though, so I'll just say . . .] Sure." Or maybe it's something more like, "[Oh, crap! I just told him how bummed I was that all my roommates left me alone for the day. Now he's going to feel rejected if I don't say . . .] Sure."
There's really no way of knowing what she's saying. Does she go because she wanted to or because she felt backed into a corner? The question could be completely avoided with the addition of a simple phrase.
Me: I know you're really busy with school work, but I'm going to be baking some bread this afternoon. Would you like to some over and help?
I've just tipped her off. If her mind was going to be scrambling for an excuse to say no, I've just fed her an easy way out - homework. What she does with that out tells me more than any "signal" ever could.
Girl: Sure.
And I think I detected a hint of happiness in her voice. I know there was in mine as we finished making plans.
Outs allow us to withold participation in any number of things while still retaining our respectability and potential for further invitations.
I love having outs - for those days when I don't care to gather in a large group to play or participate in activity I really have no interest in. It's wonderful to have that one small project to work on that I can always pull out of the closet to keep me "busy".
For better or for worse, I have extended my respect of outs to dating. I know I'm horrible a picking up "signals" and sometimes a good out - taken, or left in the closet - says things much for clearly. For example:
Me: I'm going to be baking some bread this afternoon. Would you like to some over and help?
Girl: Sure.
Now what exactly is she saying? "[Is he finally getting around to asking me to do something with him? It's about time. Gotta play it cool though, so I'll just say . . .] Sure." Or maybe it's something more like, "[Oh, crap! I just told him how bummed I was that all my roommates left me alone for the day. Now he's going to feel rejected if I don't say . . .] Sure."
There's really no way of knowing what she's saying. Does she go because she wanted to or because she felt backed into a corner? The question could be completely avoided with the addition of a simple phrase.
Me: I know you're really busy with school work, but I'm going to be baking some bread this afternoon. Would you like to some over and help?
I've just tipped her off. If her mind was going to be scrambling for an excuse to say no, I've just fed her an easy way out - homework. What she does with that out tells me more than any "signal" ever could.
Girl: Sure.
And I think I detected a hint of happiness in her voice. I know there was in mine as we finished making plans.