It feels like home to me...
Something in your eyes... makes me want to loose myself...
makes me want to loose myself in your arms
There is something in your voice... makes my heart beat fast
hope this feeling lasts - the rest of my life.
If you knew how lonely my life has been and how long I've been so alone
If you knew how I want someone to come along and change my life... the way you've done
It feels like home to me...
The gayz hate me, and I think I may have a distaste for them.
I'm always curious, always wondering, always hoping... and always failing.
This past fall I took a leap of faith and made pilgrimage to a man who I thought would make me happy. A man who I loved selfelssly, and with out prerequisite. I went with passion, focus, and all the hope I had left for the romance of my life... and only found heartbreak. And my heart will never mend. It's what you do. Isn't it? When you realize - this is the man I think I can spend the rest of my life with and maybe he doesn't know it, but I'mg going to get in my car and drive and try to make him understand. And if I get burned - again as I so often did with him - I can at least say I made the last final valiant chivalrous and trully romantic gesture. I tried. I loved. I lost.
What I saw in him was not only a romantic partner - but the potential for a friend. A friend that I've needed for so very long. I thought he saw me. I thought he saw the me that I don't even let myself see too often. It's a heartache. A void that I know can only be filled by a gay man. None of my women can do it for me. None of the 'kid brothers' that I have can fill the void. I need someone who understands what it is to love a man and be told that's not normal.
I'm rambling - and I'm not drunk. But I am so very sad. He left me broken and don't get me wrong - I know we all are - but I'm willing to say let's be broken together - let's work on it together because we'll never be able to fix it alone - me! The guy who won't take help or comfort from anyone. He kissed me - a soft kiss goodbye - the kind of goodbye kiss I thought we had years to practice and perfect...instead - it was the last time we ever talked... I haven't seen him since.
It's the realization that he didn't love me ? Or is it the realization that he couldn't love me? One makes me angry and one makes me sad... so neither response really settles well.
I made the decision after him that I wouldn't let anyone in - let alone a gay man. I can be there for everyone - but the very thought of letting someone in - letting someone 'see' - it chills me.
And without warning - in the middle of the most unlikeliest of moments... a new man wrapped his arms around me - spoke to 'me' and he was in. And I was terrified. Every bit of eye contact made me cringe, and every remark felt like the weight of 10 theatre history anthologies. And I fell alittle. Not for him perse but for the idea of him. The same as me. Broken, bent, and alittle bit sad.
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
I am just trying to confirm to myself that these 2 things happened. They are real.
I miss the first guy. I will always love him. I hope he finds what he needs. I truly wish it had been me.
And as for the second guy... I just have to get better at closing the curtains and building the walls.
Goodnight.
makes me want to loose myself in your arms
There is something in your voice... makes my heart beat fast
hope this feeling lasts - the rest of my life.
If you knew how lonely my life has been and how long I've been so alone
If you knew how I want someone to come along and change my life... the way you've done
It feels like home to me...
The gayz hate me, and I think I may have a distaste for them.
I'm always curious, always wondering, always hoping... and always failing.
This past fall I took a leap of faith and made pilgrimage to a man who I thought would make me happy. A man who I loved selfelssly, and with out prerequisite. I went with passion, focus, and all the hope I had left for the romance of my life... and only found heartbreak. And my heart will never mend. It's what you do. Isn't it? When you realize - this is the man I think I can spend the rest of my life with and maybe he doesn't know it, but I'mg going to get in my car and drive and try to make him understand. And if I get burned - again as I so often did with him - I can at least say I made the last final valiant chivalrous and trully romantic gesture. I tried. I loved. I lost.
What I saw in him was not only a romantic partner - but the potential for a friend. A friend that I've needed for so very long. I thought he saw me. I thought he saw the me that I don't even let myself see too often. It's a heartache. A void that I know can only be filled by a gay man. None of my women can do it for me. None of the 'kid brothers' that I have can fill the void. I need someone who understands what it is to love a man and be told that's not normal.
I'm rambling - and I'm not drunk. But I am so very sad. He left me broken and don't get me wrong - I know we all are - but I'm willing to say let's be broken together - let's work on it together because we'll never be able to fix it alone - me! The guy who won't take help or comfort from anyone. He kissed me - a soft kiss goodbye - the kind of goodbye kiss I thought we had years to practice and perfect...instead - it was the last time we ever talked... I haven't seen him since.
It's the realization that he didn't love me ? Or is it the realization that he couldn't love me? One makes me angry and one makes me sad... so neither response really settles well.
I made the decision after him that I wouldn't let anyone in - let alone a gay man. I can be there for everyone - but the very thought of letting someone in - letting someone 'see' - it chills me.
And without warning - in the middle of the most unlikeliest of moments... a new man wrapped his arms around me - spoke to 'me' and he was in. And I was terrified. Every bit of eye contact made me cringe, and every remark felt like the weight of 10 theatre history anthologies. And I fell alittle. Not for him perse but for the idea of him. The same as me. Broken, bent, and alittle bit sad.
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
I am just trying to confirm to myself that these 2 things happened. They are real.
I miss the first guy. I will always love him. I hope he finds what he needs. I truly wish it had been me.
And as for the second guy... I just have to get better at closing the curtains and building the walls.
Goodnight.