i want so badly to believe, that there is truth, that love is real
innocence doesnt last forever. and when it ceases to exist any longer, it isnt always bad.
6 more days
good and bad, as with everything. everyone i have talked to lately laughs at me. "youll be back so soon" i want to stay for as long as possible, if only to spite them. not the best reason to stay, i know, but fuck you. so what if my life wont be planned, and organized, and scheduled, and set, and predictable. i have news for you. I DONT WANT YOUR LIFE. ill take the unpredictable, thank you. i happen to like the sound of it. and you, you think ill fail? because i always fail, dont i? no matter what i achieve, its never enough for you. failure is my niche, right? ill spite you, too, just watch. and you - you think ill come back because of a guy? you think my life needs to revolve around some guy, ANY guy, and that ill be back just to depend on someone? im not like you either. ive learned from other people fucking up, and fucking me over. i know how to balance dating and friendship.
i try so hard to please everyone. do not write some condescending comment for that. because i happen to like pleasing people. i happen to like seeing someone smile, laugh, feel thought about, and cared for. and the thing is, i really like being the one to make them do so.
but im so tired. so tired of trying to please you. nothing i say, nothing i do is ever enough. when i say youre my best friend, and i wont forget you, and i wont stop needing you friendship, and i wont lose touch, and i wont leave you like your other friends did - i mean it. when will you believe me? when will you accept that i AM a good friend, goddamnit, and im not like her. trust is a hard thing to give, but its so much harder to keep it locked away, to hold onto it, to let it weigh you down. friends always come before guys. you come before him. yet, even as i tell you that, as i try to get your attention, make you feel involved, even as i try to please you, you dont trust me. you dont give me a chance. you already had it set in your mind that i think one way, and that you somehow know exactly what im thinking and feeling. you might be my best friend, but you dont always know what i think.
/end venting.
bonfire. wednesday. august 7th. two days before i leave. huntington beach. pier something. i dont know yet, but we'll decide soon. bring a bundle of wood. and lots of people. 626 533 5320. call it. ill post the pier as soon as i find out.
opposites attract? i smell like josh.
6 more days
good and bad, as with everything. everyone i have talked to lately laughs at me. "youll be back so soon" i want to stay for as long as possible, if only to spite them. not the best reason to stay, i know, but fuck you. so what if my life wont be planned, and organized, and scheduled, and set, and predictable. i have news for you. I DONT WANT YOUR LIFE. ill take the unpredictable, thank you. i happen to like the sound of it. and you, you think ill fail? because i always fail, dont i? no matter what i achieve, its never enough for you. failure is my niche, right? ill spite you, too, just watch. and you - you think ill come back because of a guy? you think my life needs to revolve around some guy, ANY guy, and that ill be back just to depend on someone? im not like you either. ive learned from other people fucking up, and fucking me over. i know how to balance dating and friendship.
i try so hard to please everyone. do not write some condescending comment for that. because i happen to like pleasing people. i happen to like seeing someone smile, laugh, feel thought about, and cared for. and the thing is, i really like being the one to make them do so.
but im so tired. so tired of trying to please you. nothing i say, nothing i do is ever enough. when i say youre my best friend, and i wont forget you, and i wont stop needing you friendship, and i wont lose touch, and i wont leave you like your other friends did - i mean it. when will you believe me? when will you accept that i AM a good friend, goddamnit, and im not like her. trust is a hard thing to give, but its so much harder to keep it locked away, to hold onto it, to let it weigh you down. friends always come before guys. you come before him. yet, even as i tell you that, as i try to get your attention, make you feel involved, even as i try to please you, you dont trust me. you dont give me a chance. you already had it set in your mind that i think one way, and that you somehow know exactly what im thinking and feeling. you might be my best friend, but you dont always know what i think.
/end venting.
bonfire. wednesday. august 7th. two days before i leave. huntington beach. pier something. i dont know yet, but we'll decide soon. bring a bundle of wood. and lots of people. 626 533 5320. call it. ill post the pier as soon as i find out.
opposites attract? i smell like josh.