We Pick Ourselves Undone for woowon 1/4
Title: We Pick Ourselves Undone
Recipient: woowon
Pairing: Ken/Leo
Rating: R
Wordcount: 33,000 words
Summary: like flashing cameras that blinds, jeans that sits too tight and cuts skin, taekwoon gets used to jaehwan too, eventually. MODEL!AU
Warnings: mentions of eating disorders, and slight homophobia.
Notes: first of all, i am terribly sorry for being late. i never learn when it comes to fic planning, and i never learn to start in time, either. but I finished it! yay! thanks a bunch to P ♡♡♡ for jumping in to save me when she saw that I had only finished 10% of my fic, like five days before deadline. thanks to J ♡♡♡ for offering help later, too. also of course, tlist! i wouldn't have done it without you! last, but not least, i really hope my recipient enjoys it (if only a little). your prompts were lovely and i mixed with two.
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"Monday night and here we are," Hongbin says when they push the door open to be met with glittering and bright lamps hanging from the ceiling, "I don't understand why they forced us here. These events are all about contracts and getting awful drunk pictures taken anyway. We need neither of that."
It is humid, not only because of the summer heat but it's cramped in the club. There’s fifty-something people, directors and singers and models wearing perfected smiles as they push past each other to get to the person they want drunk and a deal with. Years in this industry has taught him at least this.
"Top models need to represent the company for it to look good," Taekwoon responds when they slide into two empty chairs by the bar and Hongbin orders cocktails for them both. "And that's what we're here for."
The air is filled with the smell of cigarettes despite the big red sign that says 'no smoking' on the door. Taekwoon reaches up to loosen his tie slightly, then runs this fingers through his hair, careful not to ruin the hairstyle that took Hakyeon two hours to perfect. It wasn't too bad, though; Taekwoon had been sleeping throughout it the whole time, but Hakyeon's 'just dare to ruin it and you'll deal with me experimenting my new styles on you whenever you have a blank spot in your schedule, punk' has him putting his hands down to his sides.
"Top models," Hongbin hums, taking out his card to offer paying for the drinks, just as the first band gets on stage and Taekwoon turns around to get a glimpse. "How broken must we look to be called that," he includes quietly.
Taekwoon yanks on his tie again. The air is suffocating and his pants sits a bit too tight. They've barely been here for ten minutes, and there's still two hours to look forward to. He's reluctant about the hairstyle being able to hold out the whole night. His fingers are itching, and he tries to tap them against the glass to the rhythm of the bass instead, hoping that there'll at least be no conversations tonight. The singer sings, but can't really sing, gliding up too fast on the high notes and so powerful that it falls before it fully reaches the top.
Hongbin swirls the drink in his hand before bringing it to his lips for a taste and frowns. "Four years of this shit and I'm already tired. Bad singers, bad drinks, too many people. Hyung, I don't think I'll reach ten years before giving up." He looks at Taekwoon. "Do you like the cameras that much?"
"I do," he replies. But it isn't what he likes the best. "I got used to it."
Hongbin asks no more, and jumps off the chair to go around, because no matter how high up he is now, there are no promises, no certainty that he'll stay there until next year or next week. It's different for Taekwoon. He'd started at thirteen, kicking footballs in a milk commercial for kids, and it had never been serious, but somehow (reasons, of course, there are reasons) he's continued until now. Some people think he's just up here with the 'Supermodel' title and cover shoots on billboards all over South Korea, because he's the kid star that turned into the real deal, but Taekwoon knows better than anyone that that's not the case.
Not surprisingly, his wish for a peaceful night doesn't turn out very well, and if it weren’t already for directors trying to get a shoot with their sugar-coated words then there are newbie models trying to get tips or befriend him. Taekwoon's too bad with words to ramble up a few ten sentences of excuses of why he rejects them, so he ends up with a forced smile he'd been taught all those years and gives a few tips to the models or the usual I'll-check-with-my-manager to the directors.
Hongbin is doing better, a natural smile with dimples to make it even sweeter, and at the end of the night he always ends up at Taekwoon's side, drunk, with a deal for Prada's fashion show in New York in Fall. Taekwoon's thankful he's not a good drinker or else, who would get them both home without the managers around.
"I always complain in the beginning of these damned parties." Hongbin laughs, slurring on his words when Taekwoon tries to get him inside the car and fasten the seatbelt. "But I would have never gotten out of the newbie roll so quick if not for drinking all night and learn the ways of sweet-talking into shoots and shows. God, I'm just glad I don't have to do the dirty stuff."
Taekwoon is quiet when he leans against the seat and starts the car. He knows what Hongbin's referring to. They don't ever talk about it, so Hongbin must really be gone tonight. He sleeps until they are outside of the company and Taekwoon calls Hongbin's manager to come get him. He feels bad, only for a moment, that even after four years of being label mates, he knows nothing more about Hongbin other than his name and age and that he's a nice person that spits out honest thoughts (which also gets him scolded easily, too, Taekwoon's noticed).
But it's only for a moment. Taekwoon doesn't get closer than that. He hasn't done that, not ever since Hakyeon. Digging deeper means revealing himself in return, and the thing is, he'd rather not.
★ ★ ★
The smoothie shop is still open when Taekwoon pulls up next to Hakyeon's car. Even when it's already 10pm, the air is still hot and Taekwoon leaves his suit in the car before climbing out. He hopes his hair still looks relatively good as he pushes up the door. The first thing he sees is curly, blonde hair and huge eyes glancing at him. Chanyeol's hovering over two kids and a lady, likely their mother, taking orders but breaks into a huge smile and waves energetically when he sees Taekwoon. His curls bounces as he does so, and Taekwoon has never thought he's looked more ridiculous, even when he always looks ridiculous.
"Chanyeol, I think the kids are waiting for their smoothie," Hakyeon says with a fond smile when he appears, coming out of the staff-room with ordinary clothes on and work clothes folded neatly in his hands. Taekwoon raises his eyebrows. This is typical Hakyeon. It's already over closing time and he's changed yet his heart is still weak for children. "What would the little ladies want? Hakyeon-ahjussi will make it for you."
"One banana-strawberry smoothie and one blueberry with white chocolate," Chanyeol says, patting the girls on their head, and flashes them a smile full of teeth.
Hakyeon goes behind the counter, eyes finally landing on Taekwoon. "Would that ahjussi want something as well?"
"The usual." He sits down by the counter and watches as Hakyeon throws fruits and pours milk and mixes it all together like the times back then when he used to carefully smear bb cream on Taekwoon's face to hide all the flaws, outlining Taekwoon’s eyes in black kohl. He still does it, once in a while, like today, with Taekwoon's hair, when he has time. Just that he's an owner of a smoothie shop now instead of Taekwoon's personal makeup artist. "And I thought we agreed on not working overtime all the time?"
"The kids really wanted it." Hakyeon places three glasses on the counter, one regular, two pretty ones with Minnie Mouse on and Taekwoon watches as the smoothie fills them. "You know I can't say no to kids." He takes out some white chocolate and sprinkles it on top of the blueberry smoothie.
"I thought you used to frown at me and remark I talked more to kids and dogs than to you."
Hakyeon laughs. "You still do."
"No, I don't."
"Whatever you say." Hakyeon rolls his eyes and calls Chanyeol to bring the smoothies to the kids, not forgetting to add two lollipops, too. "Kids are cute, I've come to realise. Even when they drag their mother out at 10pm just to drink smoothie. I'd like kids." He laughs again and looks at Taekwoon. "I'm just sleepy."
Hair falls on Hakyeon's face and Taekwoon has to curl his fingers not to reach out and brush it away. "Let Jongdae and Chanyeol take over tomorrow. It's Tuesday, there won't be many people around, anyway," Taekwoon says, softly. "You just got back from the hospital, your back must still be hurting."
"Except I can't. And no, I'm fine, thank you very much, Mr. Supermodel," Hakyeon says and it's a joke, that nickname, still, Taekwoon's stomach flips. Maybe it's the three drinks Taekwoon had earlier, but he sips on the mango smoothie in order to wash all of the bad away. "Leaving the shop to Jongdae and Chanyeol without me or Ryeowook-hyung around would be like burning it down on purpose. Or letting Chanyeol cut his fingers open as Jongdae stands by the side and laughs." And then he adds, a little louder. "Chanyeol only managed to drop two brand new glasses today."
"Hey!" Chanyeol comes out from the kitchen with a cloth to clean the tables with and pretends to frown. "I already said sorry, like, one-hundred-forty-two times! You can reduce my pay!"
"Be quite," Hakyeon snaps playfully.
"I still suggest you stay at home and rest tomorrow," Taekwoon says, sighing. "Please."
"I'm grateful to have you worry about me, but I'm absolutely fine and my back's perfect." The smile that pulls at the corners of Hakyeon's lips now is more familiar. Taekwoon had gone three years thinking it was The Special smile, but it's not. It's just Hakyeon being worried about his friends, because Hakyeon worries about everything and everyone, like Hakyeon asking Taekwoon about his grandma’s health once in a while even though they’ve never met. "Honestly, Chanyeol just came to work with a fever, I thought I'd let him stay at home tomorrow."
There's finality in Hakyeon's voice, and Taekwoon doesn't argue further. He drinks up the whole glass when Hakyeon's busy taking the pay and giving more lollipops to the kids, waving goodbye and closing the shop. "I'll drive you home," he says, when Hakyeon's all finished. "It's not good for you to drive when you're sleepy. Take the bus to work tomorrow."
"You keep making me reject all your good intentions tonight, Taekwoon, making me feel all bad. But Chanyeol's sick, I told you, so I'll drive him home."
"I'll just drive both of you home."
Chanyeol rolls his eyes. "I will be fine, please, I’m not a kid." They go out and Chanyeol locks the door. "You should let Taekwoon-hyung drive you. Don't think I didn't notice you trying to not doze off at lunch."
"If you really think so, then…" Chanyeol pushes Hakyeon towards the car and nods. Taekwoon's nails stings against his palms. He slides silently inside the driver seat and Chanyeol opens the door for Hakyeon to get in. "Remember to drink your medicines, Chanyeol!"
"I will! Drive safely, Taekwoon-hyung!" Then Chanyeol's off, his blonde, curly hair bouncing up and down like before again as he takes long steps and Hakyeon insists they sit inside the car a bit more so that he can see Chanyeol disappear around the corner without fainting or something.
"You worry way too much," Taekwoon remarks.
Hakyeon shakes his head. "I worry just enough. It's just that some people causes worry. Like him." Taekwoon turns on the engine and feels Hakyeon's gaze on him. "And mostly, you, of course. You complain about me overworking, but looking at you makes me believe you haven't slept properly in days. Or eaten, for that matter. And look at your hair, what did I say about-"
"Hakyeon," Taekwoon breathes, preventing a tiny smile from forming. "I'm driving, one thing at a time thank you."
"Okay, your hair first then. I was serious about my warning, mind you."
"And I was serious about not trying to ruin it, too, and mind you, I kept it that way until half an hour before the party ended. New record." Taekwoon doesn't mean to, but he lets out a laugh. He stops himself midway, and Hakyeon doesn't have anything to say about it.
"Your health? Are you eating properly?"
"Of course I am." There had been reasons why Hakyeon quit his job in the modelling industry. Taekwoon knows what he's worried about. "I'm just being forced to eat a little bit lesser, for a photo-shoot. But you know I eat."
"Just in case."
They're soon at Hakyeon's home. Taekwoon won't have time until two weeks later, now remembering that there's a packed schedule for this month. There's a three days photo-shoot in Tokyo and preparations for Summer Fashion Week and the thing itself. "Don't you have more questions."
Fiddling with his fingers, Hakyeon shrugs. "How are things with Sojin?"
The question catches Taekwoon off guard but he's mastered the art of showing no surprise. "Are you reading scandal magazines now, too?"
Laughter. "I don't need magazines for that stuff. I have Hongbin and Myungsoo telling me things when I ask them."
"Those kids." Taekwoon pulls up outside the apartment building and stops the engine, but Hakyeon sits still. "It's all the same. What's there to tell?"
"I thought… maybe you could…"
The thing with Hakyeon is, other than worrying enough for two people, is that he only knows what he thinks is best for a person without considering what that person really wants.
"Go in, you must be tired." Taekwoon's always avoiding, and Hakyeon's no stranger to that, so he opens the door and steps out without another word. "Don't overwork again, and try not to carry all those heavy boxes by yourself. What are you even using Chanyeol to? Get him to help you. If you need to visit the hospital again while I'm away these two weeks I'm going to force you to hire more people."
"You nag like my mother, Taekwoon. And people think you don't talk." Hakyeon gives him a wave and a small grin. "And you, you shouldn't destroy yourself over these two weeks. Eat, and sleep. Drive safely, and call me if there's anything."
Taekwoon wonders, when he drives to his own home, how Hakyeon could forget that it's impossible to not destroy yourself in this industry. And perhaps, Hakyeon's living the illusion that Taekwoon's not ruined yet, because he’s already in pieces.
★ ★ ★
Getting used to cameras had been harder than falling for football and kicking footballs until his legs ached or falling to the ground, scraping his knees and coming home to a mother sighing over the bruises. There had been a time when Taekwoon hated cameras and the way it flashes. He disliked being captured. It'd been a horrible feeling to shoot his first milk commercial, even though he was on a field, with football cleats on and all he had to do was kick a football. Easier, it couldn't have been.
He doesn't remember the exact reason why he agreed to shoot it in the first place, but there's a vague memory of a promise that he'd get to attend football lessons if he did, because his mother had always been all for having her kids seen on the small-screen. Taekwoon does remember being nine and seeing his oldest sister acting in a drama as a child-role, being eleven and following the youngest sister to the shooting location for some clothing commercial. middle sister never wanted any of that, and instead concentrated on her books, and mother couldn't help that.
Taekwoon was last. He never thought he'd be the only one in the business until today. Never thought he'd choose standing in front of cameras with layers of makeup on his face instead of attending university and training football with others. Sometimes, he imagines all of that. Imagines feeling nervous for the recruiting, imagines being recruited for a good team, imagines running in the field again.
But fantasies ends somewhere, and for Taekwoon, it's when the camera flashes and the jeans sits too tight around his already skinny figure. The clothes he wears are made for perfect people and Taekwoon knows, despite his title as Supermodel, that he's anything but that.
It's too late for quitting. This is what he tells himself. If he quits this, then he'll really have nothing. After a few years, he'd learned that you don't need to love it to be addicted to it. Right now, without the painful marks on his body because of the clothes, or the too bright flashes, seeing his face on covers and billboards Taekwoon doesn't know what else he'd have to hold onto.
Hakyeon would call him crazy, but Taekwoon would like to continue until the day his cover shoots fall off billboards to be replaced by someone else's face, even if it takes, takes, takes pieces of him until there's nothing left to take.
★ ★ ★
Sojin is in the meeting room when Taekwoon arrives, hair in a ponytail, and her eyes crinkling up into a smile when she sees him walk through the door. It's nice, the way she smiles, and this, Taekwoon knows, is that type of a special smile only for him. He's sad he can't give her anything back.
"Good morning," she greets, patting the chair next to hers, gesturing for him to sit down. "Have any ideas what the director wants to talk about so early?"
Her hand feels warm on his knee, and she flips through a magazine on the table without showing any concern about it. Friends. She said she’d be okay if they’re only that, too. So he lets her hand stay.
"Probably our usual 'family meeting', I guess," he replies. Their director likes to keep the people under his care updated with each other's things, and he truly treats everyone like his children. He'd say this is the reason why he's stayed in the same company for so long. "You dyed your hair."
She hums. "I had to. Those scandals," she waves her hand and steals a glance at him, a playful glint in her eyes, "made me grow grey hair." She lets her hand fall from his knee. "I'm kidding. My comeback with Minah is soon."
"I… I'm sorry about that. Did you have a hard time?"
"I'm fine. Well, as fine as I can be, having the whole nation think that I got dumped by you, then got back together, then dumped again?" She laughs at his expression, and Taekwoon's relieved to recognise that this kind of laughter means she's sincerely all right. "It's nothing. I've been in worse situations. This will die out soon enough." She looks down on her nails, but doesn’t really look. "All those false rumours, though. If only any of that was true…"
They’d been for lunch, only, and it’s a normal thing. Sojin requests to eat together whenever they stumble into each other and Taekwoon doesn’t have a reason to say no. He hadn’t expected anything of this to break out. He leans back against the chair and pretends not to hear her last mumble when Myungsoo enters the room with Hongbin right behind him.
"Good morning, hyung," Myungsoo says, then looks over to Sojin, "and noona."
"I have a such a headache," Hongbin sighs, reaching over for a glass to pour water into and Myungsoo laughs. They sit down across from Taekwoon and Sojin, taking up their phones, not bothered by the silence as they await the others' arrival. "Sanghyuk's still in Malaysia for his runway show, right?"
"Kyungri's not in Seoul, either," Sojin chimes in. "She's visiting her sick grandma."
Small conversations are what Taekwoon enjoys listening to, but they've all known him long enough to not ask him to join. The director arrives just in time, and starts with telling them the plans regarding this summer: Minah and Sojin's comeback for next month, later going on to Myungsoo, Hongbin and Sanghyuk's joint CéCi Summer Photoshoot in Jeju.
"At the same time, there's also a wedding dress shoot by a fashion designer in Taipei that Kyungri's a part of," the director says, flipping through his papers. "And she needs a male model from our company to accompany her. This is the most important part for today."
"I volunteer?" Hongbin says, grinning, while rubbing his temples.
"If you could find a twin who could do the CéCi shoot with us while you drool over Kyungri-noona in a wedding dress then maybe our director would let you," Myungsoo says, rolling his eyes. "Please pay attention. I think Taekwoon-hyung's the only one with no schedule at that time?"
The director nods slowly. "I thought of Taekwoon, too. But I also have something to announce, and that is my plan of having another model debut this summer. So, I thought, I'd make him do that."
"I thought we only had trainees for the upcoming idol group?" Sojin asks, raising her eyebrows and Myungsoo looks just as surprised. "Or did I miss out on something?"
"We do only have trainees for the idol group right now," the director says. "It's complicated. Anyway, I'll need one of you to guide him before that, also help him with his test shoots, so I'll contact you somewhere under next week, when I find a hole in your schedule, is that okay? He's a special kid, I'd like it if you could help me make him feel a bit better about switching from singing to modelling. No matter what, I want him as a model, at least in the start."
Taekwoon looks up, and taps his fingers against the table. He usually never speaks during these meetings, as he's never felt the need to give opinions to anything at all. "Isn't that a bit selfish?"
Sojin's gaze flickers to him immediately, eyes reflecting a question mark. Hongbin clears his throat, and Myungsoo looks down on his feet. Silence fall on them as the director raises his eyebrows. "Well, I think that's a first," he says, laughing. "I mean, to hear your opinion on things, Taekwoon."
"I apologise if I appeared rude, but if he's spent time on practicing singing or dancing, or whatever it takes to become an idol, wouldn't it be very unfair to shove him to another path? What about his dream-" He stops there. Personal matters shouldn't ever collide with business, Taekwoon had forgotten that for a moment. "However, these are only my thoughts. I apologise again."
"I don't see anything wrong with what you said." The director shakes his head. "I understand your thoughts completely. Keep in mind, though, that I would never do it without his agreement. So there's no need to worry. I've come up with many opportunities for him in the future that involves a solo career. I also think he'd fit better as a solo artist. Is that enough?"
Taekwoon draws his lips together into a thin line and nods. The meeting is concluded. Sojin suggests lunch together, to which Myungsoo and Hongbin eagerly says yes to while Taekwoon has no preferences. He's always dragged along either way, and he doesn't have any complaints about it. He has to get ready for his three days in Tokyo, though. His flight leaves at 4pm. He’s got about six hours. There's also a call with his mother he hasn't made yet.
"Must be the 'sparkly-eyes' guy that Wonshik talked about," says Hongbin suddenly when they're all sat down in the little dim-sum restaurant a few minutes from the company. Sojin had decided on this place, and Taekwoon doesn't know if it'd been on purpose, or out of habit, considering the many times she'd been here with Taekwoon.
"Who's Wonshik?" Myungsoo asks, looking at the menu. Sojin orders for herself, and for Taekwoon, too, without him needing to tell what he wants. "New friend?"
Hongbin shrugs. "I'm friendly, okay, I actually make time to get to know our trainees." Myungsoo pretends to clap and it earns him a kick under the table from Hongbin. "Anyway, Wonshik said they were supposed to debut in the same group, but suddenly the boy said he'd be a model instead. He said they lost their main vocal or something."
"Nothing makes sense for me." Myungsoo reaches up to brush hair from his eyes. "Like Taekwoon-hyung said, if he's been trained to debut as a singer, why would they push him to debut as a model."
"Remember that our director surely has good reasons," Sojin reminds them. "And you heard what he said, that boy agreed to it. You guys should only focus about how to make him feel at home as a model."
Taekwoon picks up chopsticks and tissues, handing everyone it. "He shouldn't have his debut so soon, though, if that has just been decided," he says, quietly. "It would've been easier to have him as a cameo in a commercial or something. Give him time to practice. Does he even know how to pose or walk a runway properly?"
Sojin nods. "But you know, as a trainee for an idol group duo, Minah and I both had to take easy modelling lessons, too. We are models, too, kind of. I bet he's okay."
"Why would you nickname someone 'sparkly-eyes' anyway?" Myungsoo asks, snorting.
The waitress comes out with four glasses of ice tea, placing them down slowly as she glances at all of them with round eyes. She's blushing madly when Hongbin smiles at her, and then stumbles away. "Wonshik says his eyes are special. Alive. Pretty sure our director fell for them or something."
The food arrives and Taekwoon remains silent during the whole time, and even if he notices Sojin's stares, he pretends that he doesn't.
★ ★ ★
"We'd like you home for your grandma's birthday." His mother's voice is weak, weaker than last time they talked, and guilt trips him when he reminds himself that last time had been a month ago. He avoids so much that he forgets it's his own mother he's pushing away. "That shouldn't be too hard, right? Considering it being summer and all. Do you have a tight schedule? Grandma misses you."
Taekwoon squeezes the phone between his shoulder and his ear, to take down a few shirts hanging in the closet. He's just going to take everything out for Shinwoo manager to look through it for him later when he arrives. It doesn't matter what he wears, his manager will always find a way to point out that something's off with this outfit. It's better to let him decide.
"There shouldn't be any problems if I speak with my manager in advance."
Phone calls with his mother are all the same. How are you lately? Do you eat properly? I bought the magazine that you had a shoot with. I watched the runway on television. Taekwoon will keep his answers short and she will always end the call with a sigh. He knows there's another thing she always wants to ask, but chooses not to, instead, and Taekwoon's thankful.
How is your foot?
Did you go to the hospital to check it?
It's been years. Taekwoon still refuses and she still regrets. For what reasons, he's not sure. Him slipping on the field that day, because of the rain while running for the ball, him having bad luck for it to turn out to be such a serious injury, him avoiding instead of going through the whole physical therapy after his surgery, him deciding to quit - none of that had been her fault. He finds no use in telling her to stop blaming herself, because he knows his father does that enough.
"Take care of yourself," is what she says before ending the call, and Taekwoon stands still for a second.
Then the door rings and he quickly puts the phone down to open it. In comes Shinwoo manager with a phone plastered to his ear, eyebrows furrowed, and he waves quickly at Taekwoon before going into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. Taekwoon ends up packing alone; throwing a few of his favourite shirts and cardigans with a couple of pants into his suitcase while Shinwoo stays on the phone for almost twenty more minutes.
"All finished?" His manager asks when he hangs up.
Taekwoon closes the suitcase and zips it. He nods at the phone. "What took so long?"
"Ah, it was just Sanghyuk's manager. He couldn't get to the director so he called me instead," he tells, putting the phone in his pocket. "Sanghyuk had… problems, again."
Sunken cheekbones and bony arms and legs. That's the only memory Taekwoon has of Sanghyuk right now, all that's left of a boy who started out with shining eyes and a healthy body. He grips the suitcase and stays silent, then asks, "Is he okay?"
"He should be. He collapsed right before the show, though, and was admitted to the hospital in Malaysia. They're on the plane home right now, but Sanghyuk will have to stay in a hospital for a few more days."
Shinwoo shakes his head, and runs his fingers through his hair. Taekwoon knows it's not the first time he's dealing with things like these. Shinwoo's been his manager in four years now, but Shinwoo's been in this business for a bit longer than Taekwoon, been manager to a lot of different models, too. Models, who were maybe not as healthy as Taekwoon. He's dealt with heavy stuff, but he's a nice person, sometimes caring, and Taekwoon hopes he'll stay as his manager until the end.
"Sanghyuk hasn't fully recovered from his last collapse yet, I don't know why he still insisted on not taking a break. That kid's just way too young for this."
Taekwoon had been young when he started, and he's still young. "You can't take breaks," he says. "Unless you're sure you have your face on enough places where people can see you everyday and not forget you, you cannot take breaks. Stars fall faster than the rain."
"Suddenly being poetic and all," Shinwoo manager laughs. "Let's go get coffee. I'll treat you."
Sometimes Shinwoo's more like a friend, and Taekwoon finds it amusing, but wouldn't have it any other way.
★ ★ ★
It's on the last day in Tokyo that Taekwoon receives the call, on his way to the airport. The director is dragging out on the words as he talks, swinging from one subject to another without getting to the point, and Taekwoon waits very patiently while tapping his index finger to his knee.
"You probably remember what I brought up last time about our new model needing someone to coach him through his first test shoots and before his shoot with Kyungri, right?" he says, and Taekwoon had honestly forgotten about it. Until now. "I thought about it, and honestly, no one but you would fit for this. You'll do a great job, right?"
Taekwoon has a 'no' on the tip of his tongue, but that's not what expected from him. He is quiet, fingers drawing circles on his legs as he thinks. "Okay, I'll do it."
"That's good. I checked your schedule, and seems like you're free tomorrow. Come to the company around two and he'll be waiting in our café."
He hangs up, and tries not to pull a grimace when Shinwoo looks at him questioningly. It shouldn't be too hard, he thinks, but there's something about the nickname 'sparkly-eyes' that displeases him. Especially when his own eyes have always come out dead in pictures, dark and lifeless. Taekwoon smoothes out his shirt and pushes back the uneasy feeling tugging at him.
★ ★ ★
Hongbin visits suddenly for lunch together (and refuses rejection) at twelve, dressed in tight jeans and a loose Superman t-shirt. Makeup free face. Taekwoon often forgets, that Hongbin is only twenty, and still a kid. It’s a little bit hard not to when most of Hongbin’s projects so far have been revealing more skin than he should, eyeliner rough around his eyes and gaze so piercing yet empty. Myungsoo likes to joke that Hongbinnie aren’t you wearing too much and they laugh, but Taekwoon notices the way Hongbin wraps arms around himself sometimes.
"No bb cream, nothing on my face. Manager's gonna kill me once he finds out," Hongbin says, grinning childishly, and pulls the cap down while waiting for Taekwoon put on his shoes. "But I can't apply makeup, so it's better to let it be."
"You look just fine," Taekwoon offers, and Hongbin's grin widens.
They end up getting salads at a coffee shop near the company, both having appointments to leave for soon. "I heard that the director chose you? I mean, as the ~coaching~ thing." Hongbin looks up curiously, picking out the tomatoes from his salad only to have Taekwoon put it all back again. "Hyung," he whines.
Taekwoon ignores it, and proceeds to pour dressing over his own salad. "He did. I'm actually meeting the new boy today."
Their lunch continues in silence, but it's the comfortable kind. Hongbin eats one or two tomatoes, chewing slowly and glances nervously at Taekwoon before secretly tossing the rest to the side but is still forced to eat up everything in the end.
"Such a caring hyung," Hongbin mutters with a grimace while he stabs the last tomato and shoves it in his mouth. The corners of Taekwoon's lips pull upwards.
Half an hour later finds Taekwoon sitting on one of plastic chairs outside the trainees' practice room, waiting. It would be an exaggeration to say that he's curious, but his eyes flickers up from his phone once in a while. Without really knowing the reason, he just feels like he needs to be prepared.
The arrival is still sudden, and it isn't until a voice speaks, "Jung Taekwoon-seonbaenim?" that Taekwoon quickly stops the music and glances to the clock, realising that fifteen minutes have gone by already.
Taekwoon blinks. "Yes, it's me." The man in front of him is all black hair that sticks out in every direction, dressed in black jeans and worn-out t-shirt with a grey hoodie upon. Despite it being in the middle of June, and the summer heat is unbearable, really.
"You didn't wait long, did you?" His smile is wide. Cheerful. Yet there's a bit of nervousness that makes his mouth curl down a tiny bit. And Taekwoon can't come up with anything to say. "I'm Jaehwan." Soft, and so very impatient; Jaehwan has the the kind of voice Taekwoon dislikes the most.
Then he meets the eyes and his fingers curls. In high school, Taekwoon remembers taking literature as an extra, and his teacher had ordered them to hand in at least three to four poems or short stories at the week's end. That's what he blames it on when he sees Jaehwan's eyes and is reminded of stars when the night is the darkest, and he is almost certain there’s a possibility that they would still shine in the middle of the day.
"Taekwoon-ssi?" Jaehwan holds out his hand and lifts his eyebrows, tilting his head to the side and Taekwoon is suddenly aware of the fact he's staring. Not flustered at all, he grabs Jaehwan's hand and lets go just as quick, before standing.
"No, it's fine. I only just arrived."
"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do," Jaehwan says, laughing softly and they start moving, pushing up the door to go out without really knowing where to go. "I mean, it's all happening too fast." He pulls down his sleeves so that they cover his hands and looks at Taekwoon. "It's nice to know that someone will answer my questions, though!"
Taekwoon offers to buy coffee for both of them in the company’s café and Jaehwan sips on his frappuccino silently. It’s an uncomfortable kind of quiet, and Taekwoon clears his throat.
"You should be having your test shoots soon," says Taekwoon. "It’ll be pretty simple, don't worry too much." Jaehwan’s staring at him with wide eyes now, far more concentrated than he actually has to be. Taekwoon doesn’t even know what he’s supposed to say. But he knows he thinks Jaehwan might get wrinkles soon if he keeps smiling like that. "Just do what they tell you to do." Rip your soul out and give it to them. "Put effort into it, but try to look relaxed."
Jaehwan swirls the straw around in the plastic cup and juts out his lower lip. Taekwoon hopes that wasn’t attempted aegyo. “Okay, that’s.” Hands rubbing away sweat on his jeans. “Nice to know.” And just when Taekwoon thinks his smile cannot get any wider, they pull upwards again and Taekwoon is sure it’s because of the sunlight that he thinks Jaehwan’s eyes are twinkling. He looks away. “Thanks a bunch, Taekwoon-ssi! Or seonbae. I think seonbae would-”
“You should,” Taekwoon interrupts, “really try to cut down on the hand movements. You’re revealing too much.” Of what you think and what you feel and no one in the world you’re about to enter will care about either. He says nothing of that. After a while, Jaehwan will learn.
Round eyes grow rounder. “Oh, oh… revealing?”
Jaehwan tugs at the sleeves of his hoodie, and bites his lower lip, hand reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. He is obvious about every feeling and thought, shown in his every way that he moves, emotions reflecting in his clear eyes. Taekwoon is curious about how long he'll last.
“You should also be aware of that you’ll probably have to go through six, or so, months of free photo-shoots and runways before you get pay for something. It’s the basics of a newcomer. In exchange, the photographer might provide you a collection from the shoot, or you’ll get the clothes you wore on the-”
His phone beeps. It’s Shinwoo manager reminding him that he’s got a packed schedule in seven whole days for the Summer Fashion Week, and meeting with the whole staff starts in two hours. the makeup crew is here already, hurry to your apartment and we’ll get you ready. we need to leave in an hour!
“Sorry.” He puts the phone back and Jaehwan’s gaze follows his hand only to look up straight into Taekwoon’s eyes a second later. Taekwoon is caught off guard again. He dislikes it. Dislikes the way his stomach twists. “I have a schedule to hurry to, and I won’t be available for about a week.”
From the moment they met until now, Taekwoon catches a glimpse in Jaehwan’s expression that is not nervousness or slight excitement. He almost mistakes it for disappointment, but then Jaehwan’s eyes are turning into half-moons. Taekwoon’s fingers curls around the strap of his bag, and the little weird knots in his stomach make no sense. And really, he shouldn’t have agreed to do this in the first place.
“Thank you for willingly helping me,” Jaehwan says, a little bit too loud, and Taekwoon grits his teeth. “I think the first thing I saw when I put my feet into this place was your picture all over the walls. You’re really great!”
Taekwoon sincerely wonders if Jaehwan ever stops smiling. It wouldn’t be good for his skin. He was serious about the wrinkles. “It’s all right,” he says, taking out his phone again. “I only did what I was asked. You probably have more to ask, feel free to look up someone named Hongbin. Or Myungsoo.”
“Of course, I know them. Or well, I don’t know them, but I’ve seen them…” He interrupts himself, and his cheeks colour. “I’m sorry. I tend to talk a lot after getting to know someone a bit better. But yeah, you should hurry to your schedule! I’ll see you again, seonbae!”
Taekwoon presses his lips together, but says nothing. He stands, and picks up his things, and leaves with a simple nod.
He is sure it must be the sleepiness catching up after the three days without it in Japan, because on the way to the shooting location, one and a half hour later, all he sees is still half-moons and stars, behind closed eyelids.
★ ★ ★
June comes to an end with the Summer Fashion Week wrapping up successfully and Taekwoon’s home again with a week’s break before his next projects. Shinwoo manager strictly told him to stay at home and take it easy, but Taekwoon sleeps ten hours straight before washing up and getting dressed.
Chanyeol is in the midst of carrying newly arrived supplies to the smoothie shop, pulling grimaces as he does so, and Taekwoon’s not sure if it’s because of the heat or if it’s heavy.
“You should’ve stayed at home and rested,” Hakyeon shouts from inside the shop when he sees Taekwoon helping Chanyeol. They’re having the door open today, because the air conditioner broke and the customers would be showering in their own sweat otherwise even if the smoothies are made with more ice cubes mixed.
He comes out with drinks for both Chanyeol and Taekwoon later, and they sit outside the shop for a while. “I’m not coming to work if you don’t fix that air conditioner soon,” Chanyeol whines, gulping down his banana smoothie as he wipes sweat away. “It’s like, the hottest point of summer right now, why did that damned thing break down.”
“I’ll come with you to buy one if you want to,” Taekwoon offers, and his palms feels nice wrapped around the cold glass. Disliking the dreadful humidity is one thing, but Taekwoon’s always liked summer. It’s the strong memories of sweat running down his forehead, ache in his legs, shouting back and forth and most of all, the happiness that spread in his chest. He sips on his smoothie. Too bad he’s still afraid to run.
“I’d have to bother you, then,” Hakyeon hums. It is only when Chanyeol goes away to get more to drink when Hakyeon asks, “How is Sanghyuk? I heard he collapsed again.”
“He’s all right now.”
Taekwoon isn’t sure, but he’s heard pieces of conversations between Shinwoo manager and Sanghyuk’s manager, also had Hongbin send him text messages. He’s never been that close to Sanghyuk. He looks down on his shoes and kicks a few stones. Except for Hakyeon, he hasn’t been and isn’t particularly close to anyone even after so many years. He hasn’t found it very necessary, and they’re all understanding enough not to press further.
There’s Sojin. He thinks of the way her mouth curls up into a smile made only for him, and how she takes steps towards him only to have him back away. She’d be good, too good, for him. Too nice and beautiful to have him break her heart once she’s digged deep enough. And Taekwoon’s face is on billboards because he has secrets hidden.
“I thought of visiting him, but I don’t know his schedule, and we… we haven’t seen each other in a while now,” Hakyeon says. “But you should. I mean, visit him. Bring him food and force him to eat or something, I don’t know. Just make sure he’s not alone in these situations.”
Caring, caring Cha Hakyeon. “I said he’s fine, now. He has his manager. Hongbin and Myungsoo has probably visited him, too,” he says. “And he’s young, but he’s not a kid.”
The glass is no longer cold, and the banana smoothie tastes like warm soup now. Taekwoon puts it to the side. It’s not like he doesn’t care. He’s just not… close. And he likes it this way. Likes the distance between him and them.
“Whatever you want, then,” Hakyeon whispers, and Taekwoon feels his eyes on him for a few more seconds before he brings both of their glasses to the kitchen, leaving Taekwoon sitting outside alone.
He climbs into his car and drives home without saying goodbye, but messages Hakyeon later on LINE to leave the shop to Jongdae and Chanyeol on Saturday so that they can go buy the air conditioner together. His eyes lands on Sanghyuk’s name, though, and his finger hovers over it before he tucks the phone away.
Hongbin is caring enough, but Taekwoon knows he doesn’t push people. Myungsoo’s been through all of that, so he knows he shouldn’t push. But Sanghyuk is a brat, that, Taekwoon knows, and he’s reached a stage where he won’t eat until he’s collapsed.
Still, he doesn’t pick up the phone again to click on Sanghyuk’s name even if he spends the rest of the day feeling guilty.
★ ★ ★
Layers and layers of makeup can hide what's underneath to everyone, but Taekwoon's a bit disappointed that he can see everything clearly. No matter how firm his feet are on the ground, or how tall he stands, he's been where Sanghyuk is, too. Almost.
The steepest downhill of his career had been at twenty. Age of blooming. The people starts wanting more, and they would gently shove innocence to the side as they demanded a more mature, grown-up image.
Lift your shirt a bit. Easy. Cut down on the eating. Not so easy.
Eating two to one meal a day would slowly grow into nothing at all but water in seven whole days and eventually they would be gripping the sides of the toilet, clinging onto it as they threw up their flaws, hoping desperately that their soul wouldn't come out along with it.
Flush. Eat. Flush. Flush. Flush.
Taekwoon had been so close to do just the same as those he had seen flourish in the hands of the company (he had watched Heechul fight so many years to climb up so high it might have been possible to touch the clouds one moment, only to fall the next, and now he's no where to be found. And Taekwoon wonders, once in a while, if that's how they'll all end up like). Taekwoon's hands never have touched those toilet sides, though, because his turn was also the time Hakyeon arrived as his new makeup artist.
"There's no need to do what they do." Hakyeon was all whispers and reassuring grips around Taekwoon's hand. He'd painted Taekwoon's face, tucking away flaws under the bed only for the day, so that Taekwoon could take them all out again when he was alone, because humans aren't really humans without flaws, after all. He prevented Taekwoon to flush it all down instead.
Having Hakyeon as an anchor that held him back from spending time in the bathroom stalls between shoots and runways, had taught him to endure the jeans that sits so tight that they make it hard to breathe and leave marks for months to go, and force himself to swallow, swallow, swallow despite the need to spit it all out again.
"Marks are beautiful," Hakyeon had said. "More beautiful than bones that juts out. Marks fade. They don't break you."
Three years was what it took for Taekwoon to crawl out of it, because he never really fell in the first place. He'd just slipped, and held onto something (Hakyeon, for him, it'd been Hakyeon) for years before gaining enough strength to help himself up. By that time, he'd claimed first place in the industry, too.
But while making sure Taekwoon wouldn't fall into pieces, Hakyeon had managed to break himself in progress.
"I've had enough of seeing…" His lips had trembled. Taekwoon hadn't known what to do. "I've just had enough of everything in this world of fashion and that glamour of standing in front of the camera." He inhaled. "I'd describe it as suicide, in all honesty." Exhale. "And by applying makeup and fixing their hair, I feel like I'm helping them hide the pain. Like I'm helping them to…"
Taekwoon understands.
It's killing yourself. Clearly aware that you're drowning, that water will fill your lungs soon enough, but deciding to stop breathing even without trying to scream for help. It's addiction. It's a whole new kind of addiction, and while it's on a different level and nothing like football and the adrenaline that races through him when he scores a goal, it still gives him the same kind of feeling.
"And that's why you're quitting?"
"I love my job." Hakyeon had, indeed, expressed his passion for his job over the years. It'd been the most enthusiastic in the beginning, though, when his eyes would shine whenever he was finished with Taekwoon's makeup and hair. "But I'm leaving. I should've done it a long time ago."
"So why didn’t you?"
Hakyeon's eyes had soften. "You're still in that world, aren't you. How could I leave you? Lifelong friends, remember?"
"But you're leaving now."
"You don't want me to."
It's not a question. Taekwoon isn't selfish. He let go of Hakyeon's hand and proceeded to help with gathering his things to put in the cardboard box instead. "As long as you're happy," he says, and means it.
★ ★ ★
Wednesday begins with his phone beeping, and his screen is lit up with a LINE notification. It's barely seven in the morning, and he promises, he'll end Hongbin if it's him. It's not, though. An unfamiliar ID blinks. Half-sleeping, he opens the new chat cautiously. Cases like fans getting a hold of his number or IDs on KKT and LINE have happened. Not something he'd like to experience again, no matter how much he appreciates the people who supports him.
It reads ken ♕ and Taekwoon frowns at the crown more than the unfamiliar name. hi! i got your id from hongbin. It's a few seconds later, that a new messages pops up, before Taekwoon can figure out who this could be. i mean hongbin-seonbae.
It almost makes him laugh out loud. He's reminded of half-moons and stars and a patient smile belonging to someone with an impatient voice.
Ken?, he writes back. I thought your name was Jaehwan. Taekwoon rarely remembers names, so he's surprised to see himself typing it naturally. He doesn't linger his thoughts on it, and instead puts the phone down to get out of bed.
"You can relax, but don't forget to exercise," Shinwoo manager had said on the phone the other day, and Taekwoon had snorted.
It's not too sunny today, so he figures he can go jogging. There's nothing much to do, anyway, but he also needs to clean. He changes into exercising clothes and hears another beep of a new notification when he's all finished.
is it weird?? ceo-nim wanted me to have a stage name and i suggested this and hongbin said it was good. Jaehwan is quick to add, hongbin-seonbae*. Then, actually im older than him so he told me not to call him seonbae?!! And then, i'm sorry if it's too early in the morning i got your id yesterday but it was too late so i didnt want to disturb you.
He considers asking why Jaehwan's up at this time, but it hits him that obviously, as a newbie, he's got castings to go through and really, there's no time for sleep or even naps. Practice, casting, practice, casting. It'd been easy for Taekwoon to be picked out at castings because of his earlier commercials as a teen, but newbies that starts at this age tend to have a harder time.
im waiting for my time to get into casting, the line is huge!!! im quite nervous, Jaehwan tells, without being asked, and Taekwoon isn't quite sure if he should be bemused or annoyed at the sudden explosion of notifications and Jaehwan keeps on sending more and more. He settles with feeling both bemused and annoyed, because he doesn't even let Hakyeon message him this much, and leaves his phone at home when he goes out.
He does, however, remember to send just relax and remember what i told you before leaving. He can't wait for this whole "coaching" thing to be over. He doesn’t want to deal with his phone blinking once every two seconds. Jaehwan's eyes sticking to his memories like gum is hard enough to remove.
★ ★ ★
But he can’t avoid Jaehwan, even when he disables the notifications for LINE (and really, Jaehwan doesn't know to stop even when Taekwoon offers no answer back except a few take it easy once in a while). They run into each other when Taekwoon drives to the company at Friday to meet up with Shinwoo manager. They need to discuss his schedule for July.
"Seonbae!" It’s high-pitched and whiny. Taekwoon almost winces.
Nothing's different about Jaehwan this time, except his hair is shorter, but not too short, and he's wearing jeans that sits just right on him instead of too loose. Lips curled up, eyes looking like crescents.
It’s not with exaggeration and with utmost underestimation to say that Jaehwan's delighted to see Taekwoon. Like a kid who just got a whole box of cooling ice cream in the midst of a hot summer day.
They're almost at the same height. And Jaehwan looks right into his eyes again, the nearer he comes, walking with long steps and that damned smile plastered over his lips. Taekwoon must be hungry. His stomach feels strange again, as if he'd just gotten off a roller-coaster. This is very annoying.
"What are you doing here-" Jaehwan interrupts himself abruptly. "To work, right. Of course."
Taekwoon would like to point out that Jaehwan has many of those unnecessary questions in his messages, but he starts walking ahead, and Jaehwan stumbles after, quietly. He turns to the younger man and asks, "Don't you have a schedule to go to?"
"I don't! I just had lunch with Hongbin and Wonshik. Do you know Wonshik? He's a trainee in the group I was-" He interrupts himself. "Did you eat lunch, Taekwoon-seonbae?"
"I did." Lies. "How…" He considers if he should ask. It is none of his business anyway. Or maybe it is. He is supposed to coach Jaehwan, after all. "How did your test shoots go?"
It's the way Jaehwan lights up that makes Taekwoon regret asking immediately. "I was really nervous!" he tells, and clasps his hands together. "But it went well. The director told me I was a bit clumsy, though, but they all looked happy with it so I guess I did an okay job."
"That's good. And your first castings?" The words slips out without him meaning to. "You don't need to-" Tell. But Jaehwan looks like he’s been waiting to be asked.
"Tiring, really." Jaehwan's hair is falling into his eyes, but he is too busy talking to really do something about it. Somehow, Taekwoon hand itches. "I got confirmed for a small corner in next month’s CéCi issue, though!"
Jaehwan walks too close. Their shoulders keeps bumping into each other. Taekwoon quickens his pace. "That's good," Taekwoon repeats, quietly and is relieved when he reaches the hang-out room.
"Are you going in there?"
"Yes." It's impossible for Taekwoon to believe his eyes when Jaehwan's mouth curls down. The glint is back in his eyes immediately, though, seconds after. "I'll see you again, then." If Jaehwan's curious why he's got thirty-seven unanswered LINE messages, he doesn't ask. Taekwoon tries not to look at his back as he walks on.
Minah and Sojin are in the hang-out room when he enters. Shinwoo messages him and says i'll be a little late! when Sojin offers him a warm smile and scoots over for him to sit on the couch.
"Haven't seen you in weeks, Taekwoon-oppa," Minah says, sipping on her ice tea while texting someone on the phone. Then she looks up with a smug smile as her eyes wanders left and right, from Sojin to him. Minah's nice. A very nice girl with a powerful voice. But Taekwoon would rather not have this kind of conversation right now. "Except, for the many times I've looked at the Dispatch photos of you both."
"Minah," Sojin says, looking calm, but her tone is firm. "I told you it's not like that."
Minah shrugs, and puts her focus on whoever she's texting with again. "Only because you don't make it like that."
Sojin sighs, then leans into him, naturally. He can't make himself move away, but he doesn't lean in, either. They stay like that, Sojin humming an unfamiliar tune that Taekwoon assumes is a new song from their upcoming album for a while.
"When's your comeback?"
She breaks into a grin, and Taekwoon won't ever deny that she's beautiful. But he's unable to push feelings to grow. She's mature enough to understand, so they haven't mentioned it ever since that time in Fall, a year ago, when they'd been alone after one of those events and she'd told him she liked him.
"In two weeks," she says. "Saturday, on Music Core." Then she looks at him hesitantly. "Do you want to come watch us?"
"Why are you asking?" Minah chimes in, giggling. "Just tell him you want him to be there."
Sojin opens her mouth, cheeks colouring, only to close it again.
"Do you… want me to?" At the corner of his eye, he sees Minah rolling hers. He finds this moment to scoot away. She doesn't say anything, if she noticed. "I mean, I'll be there. Definitely."
He must have a headache because of the warm weather, because when she smiles, eyes crunching up, all he sees are half-moons and twinkling stars and it's definitely not because of her.
★ ★ ★
"What exactly is it, that you're teaching Jaehwan about?" Hongbin asks over dinner that night, shoving pieces of meat in his mouth and some rice. Myungsoo stabs at his piece of ribeye, but doesn't have a taste. If he keeps that up, it'll soon look inedible. "You know, I took a look at his LINE today because he kept on opening it and it seems you don't even answer him. That broke my heart. Jaehwan's too nice to have you reject him hundred times a day."
Hongbin makes a dramatic gesture, pretending to wipe off tears. “There’s nothing for me or you to teach. He’s got a manager now, who’ll help him. And I don't reject him," Taekwoon corrects. That word doesn't fit in here. He brings the glass of orange juice to his mouth and takes a sip. "I don't usually answer, anyway."
Myungsoo agrees on that one. "Hakyeon-hyung complained all the time. Back then."
"He sends me at least ten messages a day. It’s annoying."
Unnecessary messages. Did you eat?. Did you sleep well?. Seonbae, I got picked at two castings today!. They're not even close, if friends at all.
"He’s cute. Maybe he's just lonely and as you were the first one out of all us who even spoke to him, he's taking it as if he can depend on you, Taekwoon-hyung. It's okay if you feel burdened, though," Hongbin says cheerfully. "Because I can guide him, instead. More than willing to, actually. He's ten times more funnier than both of you together. And Sanghyuk is a brat to me."
"How is Sanghyuk?" Taekwoon saw a glimpse of him a few hours ago when he was on his way out of the company with Shinwoo manager. "Is he all right?"
"All right enough to move around. We’re flying to Jeju for the shoot tomorrow and he said he’s going to tag along anyway," says Myungsoo. "He'll heal, slowly. Don't worry too much, I check up on him regularly."
Hongbin glances up from his food, but stays silent. Myungsoo, of them all, should know the best. "Eat up," Taekwoon says, glaring, and Myungsoo mutters something under his breath before obediently shoving a small piece in his mouth. It takes him one thousand years to chew, and another five years to swallow. But he eats, and Taekwoon thinks that Hakyeon would’ve been proud if he’d been here.
★ ★ ★
It's out of habit that Taekwoon checks LINE before bed, but it's out of the ordinary when he sees none of Jaehwan's usual too cheerful messages complaining about not getting sleep or enough food to eat and-
He goes out of the chat and decides that this is something to be glad for.
NEXT
Recipient: woowon
Pairing: Ken/Leo
Rating: R
Wordcount: 33,000 words
Summary: like flashing cameras that blinds, jeans that sits too tight and cuts skin, taekwoon gets used to jaehwan too, eventually. MODEL!AU
Warnings: mentions of eating disorders, and slight homophobia.
Notes: first of all, i am terribly sorry for being late. i never learn when it comes to fic planning, and i never learn to start in time, either. but I finished it! yay! thanks a bunch to P ♡♡♡ for jumping in to save me when she saw that I had only finished 10% of my fic, like five days before deadline. thanks to J ♡♡♡ for offering help later, too. also of course, tlist! i wouldn't have done it without you! last, but not least, i really hope my recipient enjoys it (if only a little). your prompts were lovely and i mixed with two.
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"Monday night and here we are," Hongbin says when they push the door open to be met with glittering and bright lamps hanging from the ceiling, "I don't understand why they forced us here. These events are all about contracts and getting awful drunk pictures taken anyway. We need neither of that."
It is humid, not only because of the summer heat but it's cramped in the club. There’s fifty-something people, directors and singers and models wearing perfected smiles as they push past each other to get to the person they want drunk and a deal with. Years in this industry has taught him at least this.
"Top models need to represent the company for it to look good," Taekwoon responds when they slide into two empty chairs by the bar and Hongbin orders cocktails for them both. "And that's what we're here for."
The air is filled with the smell of cigarettes despite the big red sign that says 'no smoking' on the door. Taekwoon reaches up to loosen his tie slightly, then runs this fingers through his hair, careful not to ruin the hairstyle that took Hakyeon two hours to perfect. It wasn't too bad, though; Taekwoon had been sleeping throughout it the whole time, but Hakyeon's 'just dare to ruin it and you'll deal with me experimenting my new styles on you whenever you have a blank spot in your schedule, punk' has him putting his hands down to his sides.
"Top models," Hongbin hums, taking out his card to offer paying for the drinks, just as the first band gets on stage and Taekwoon turns around to get a glimpse. "How broken must we look to be called that," he includes quietly.
Taekwoon yanks on his tie again. The air is suffocating and his pants sits a bit too tight. They've barely been here for ten minutes, and there's still two hours to look forward to. He's reluctant about the hairstyle being able to hold out the whole night. His fingers are itching, and he tries to tap them against the glass to the rhythm of the bass instead, hoping that there'll at least be no conversations tonight. The singer sings, but can't really sing, gliding up too fast on the high notes and so powerful that it falls before it fully reaches the top.
Hongbin swirls the drink in his hand before bringing it to his lips for a taste and frowns. "Four years of this shit and I'm already tired. Bad singers, bad drinks, too many people. Hyung, I don't think I'll reach ten years before giving up." He looks at Taekwoon. "Do you like the cameras that much?"
"I do," he replies. But it isn't what he likes the best. "I got used to it."
Hongbin asks no more, and jumps off the chair to go around, because no matter how high up he is now, there are no promises, no certainty that he'll stay there until next year or next week. It's different for Taekwoon. He'd started at thirteen, kicking footballs in a milk commercial for kids, and it had never been serious, but somehow (reasons, of course, there are reasons) he's continued until now. Some people think he's just up here with the 'Supermodel' title and cover shoots on billboards all over South Korea, because he's the kid star that turned into the real deal, but Taekwoon knows better than anyone that that's not the case.
Not surprisingly, his wish for a peaceful night doesn't turn out very well, and if it weren’t already for directors trying to get a shoot with their sugar-coated words then there are newbie models trying to get tips or befriend him. Taekwoon's too bad with words to ramble up a few ten sentences of excuses of why he rejects them, so he ends up with a forced smile he'd been taught all those years and gives a few tips to the models or the usual I'll-check-with-my-manager to the directors.
Hongbin is doing better, a natural smile with dimples to make it even sweeter, and at the end of the night he always ends up at Taekwoon's side, drunk, with a deal for Prada's fashion show in New York in Fall. Taekwoon's thankful he's not a good drinker or else, who would get them both home without the managers around.
"I always complain in the beginning of these damned parties." Hongbin laughs, slurring on his words when Taekwoon tries to get him inside the car and fasten the seatbelt. "But I would have never gotten out of the newbie roll so quick if not for drinking all night and learn the ways of sweet-talking into shoots and shows. God, I'm just glad I don't have to do the dirty stuff."
Taekwoon is quiet when he leans against the seat and starts the car. He knows what Hongbin's referring to. They don't ever talk about it, so Hongbin must really be gone tonight. He sleeps until they are outside of the company and Taekwoon calls Hongbin's manager to come get him. He feels bad, only for a moment, that even after four years of being label mates, he knows nothing more about Hongbin other than his name and age and that he's a nice person that spits out honest thoughts (which also gets him scolded easily, too, Taekwoon's noticed).
But it's only for a moment. Taekwoon doesn't get closer than that. He hasn't done that, not ever since Hakyeon. Digging deeper means revealing himself in return, and the thing is, he'd rather not.
★ ★ ★
The smoothie shop is still open when Taekwoon pulls up next to Hakyeon's car. Even when it's already 10pm, the air is still hot and Taekwoon leaves his suit in the car before climbing out. He hopes his hair still looks relatively good as he pushes up the door. The first thing he sees is curly, blonde hair and huge eyes glancing at him. Chanyeol's hovering over two kids and a lady, likely their mother, taking orders but breaks into a huge smile and waves energetically when he sees Taekwoon. His curls bounces as he does so, and Taekwoon has never thought he's looked more ridiculous, even when he always looks ridiculous.
"Chanyeol, I think the kids are waiting for their smoothie," Hakyeon says with a fond smile when he appears, coming out of the staff-room with ordinary clothes on and work clothes folded neatly in his hands. Taekwoon raises his eyebrows. This is typical Hakyeon. It's already over closing time and he's changed yet his heart is still weak for children. "What would the little ladies want? Hakyeon-ahjussi will make it for you."
"One banana-strawberry smoothie and one blueberry with white chocolate," Chanyeol says, patting the girls on their head, and flashes them a smile full of teeth.
Hakyeon goes behind the counter, eyes finally landing on Taekwoon. "Would that ahjussi want something as well?"
"The usual." He sits down by the counter and watches as Hakyeon throws fruits and pours milk and mixes it all together like the times back then when he used to carefully smear bb cream on Taekwoon's face to hide all the flaws, outlining Taekwoon’s eyes in black kohl. He still does it, once in a while, like today, with Taekwoon's hair, when he has time. Just that he's an owner of a smoothie shop now instead of Taekwoon's personal makeup artist. "And I thought we agreed on not working overtime all the time?"
"The kids really wanted it." Hakyeon places three glasses on the counter, one regular, two pretty ones with Minnie Mouse on and Taekwoon watches as the smoothie fills them. "You know I can't say no to kids." He takes out some white chocolate and sprinkles it on top of the blueberry smoothie.
"I thought you used to frown at me and remark I talked more to kids and dogs than to you."
Hakyeon laughs. "You still do."
"No, I don't."
"Whatever you say." Hakyeon rolls his eyes and calls Chanyeol to bring the smoothies to the kids, not forgetting to add two lollipops, too. "Kids are cute, I've come to realise. Even when they drag their mother out at 10pm just to drink smoothie. I'd like kids." He laughs again and looks at Taekwoon. "I'm just sleepy."
Hair falls on Hakyeon's face and Taekwoon has to curl his fingers not to reach out and brush it away. "Let Jongdae and Chanyeol take over tomorrow. It's Tuesday, there won't be many people around, anyway," Taekwoon says, softly. "You just got back from the hospital, your back must still be hurting."
"Except I can't. And no, I'm fine, thank you very much, Mr. Supermodel," Hakyeon says and it's a joke, that nickname, still, Taekwoon's stomach flips. Maybe it's the three drinks Taekwoon had earlier, but he sips on the mango smoothie in order to wash all of the bad away. "Leaving the shop to Jongdae and Chanyeol without me or Ryeowook-hyung around would be like burning it down on purpose. Or letting Chanyeol cut his fingers open as Jongdae stands by the side and laughs." And then he adds, a little louder. "Chanyeol only managed to drop two brand new glasses today."
"Hey!" Chanyeol comes out from the kitchen with a cloth to clean the tables with and pretends to frown. "I already said sorry, like, one-hundred-forty-two times! You can reduce my pay!"
"Be quite," Hakyeon snaps playfully.
"I still suggest you stay at home and rest tomorrow," Taekwoon says, sighing. "Please."
"I'm grateful to have you worry about me, but I'm absolutely fine and my back's perfect." The smile that pulls at the corners of Hakyeon's lips now is more familiar. Taekwoon had gone three years thinking it was The Special smile, but it's not. It's just Hakyeon being worried about his friends, because Hakyeon worries about everything and everyone, like Hakyeon asking Taekwoon about his grandma’s health once in a while even though they’ve never met. "Honestly, Chanyeol just came to work with a fever, I thought I'd let him stay at home tomorrow."
There's finality in Hakyeon's voice, and Taekwoon doesn't argue further. He drinks up the whole glass when Hakyeon's busy taking the pay and giving more lollipops to the kids, waving goodbye and closing the shop. "I'll drive you home," he says, when Hakyeon's all finished. "It's not good for you to drive when you're sleepy. Take the bus to work tomorrow."
"You keep making me reject all your good intentions tonight, Taekwoon, making me feel all bad. But Chanyeol's sick, I told you, so I'll drive him home."
"I'll just drive both of you home."
Chanyeol rolls his eyes. "I will be fine, please, I’m not a kid." They go out and Chanyeol locks the door. "You should let Taekwoon-hyung drive you. Don't think I didn't notice you trying to not doze off at lunch."
"If you really think so, then…" Chanyeol pushes Hakyeon towards the car and nods. Taekwoon's nails stings against his palms. He slides silently inside the driver seat and Chanyeol opens the door for Hakyeon to get in. "Remember to drink your medicines, Chanyeol!"
"I will! Drive safely, Taekwoon-hyung!" Then Chanyeol's off, his blonde, curly hair bouncing up and down like before again as he takes long steps and Hakyeon insists they sit inside the car a bit more so that he can see Chanyeol disappear around the corner without fainting or something.
"You worry way too much," Taekwoon remarks.
Hakyeon shakes his head. "I worry just enough. It's just that some people causes worry. Like him." Taekwoon turns on the engine and feels Hakyeon's gaze on him. "And mostly, you, of course. You complain about me overworking, but looking at you makes me believe you haven't slept properly in days. Or eaten, for that matter. And look at your hair, what did I say about-"
"Hakyeon," Taekwoon breathes, preventing a tiny smile from forming. "I'm driving, one thing at a time thank you."
"Okay, your hair first then. I was serious about my warning, mind you."
"And I was serious about not trying to ruin it, too, and mind you, I kept it that way until half an hour before the party ended. New record." Taekwoon doesn't mean to, but he lets out a laugh. He stops himself midway, and Hakyeon doesn't have anything to say about it.
"Your health? Are you eating properly?"
"Of course I am." There had been reasons why Hakyeon quit his job in the modelling industry. Taekwoon knows what he's worried about. "I'm just being forced to eat a little bit lesser, for a photo-shoot. But you know I eat."
"Just in case."
They're soon at Hakyeon's home. Taekwoon won't have time until two weeks later, now remembering that there's a packed schedule for this month. There's a three days photo-shoot in Tokyo and preparations for Summer Fashion Week and the thing itself. "Don't you have more questions."
Fiddling with his fingers, Hakyeon shrugs. "How are things with Sojin?"
The question catches Taekwoon off guard but he's mastered the art of showing no surprise. "Are you reading scandal magazines now, too?"
Laughter. "I don't need magazines for that stuff. I have Hongbin and Myungsoo telling me things when I ask them."
"Those kids." Taekwoon pulls up outside the apartment building and stops the engine, but Hakyeon sits still. "It's all the same. What's there to tell?"
"I thought… maybe you could…"
The thing with Hakyeon is, other than worrying enough for two people, is that he only knows what he thinks is best for a person without considering what that person really wants.
"Go in, you must be tired." Taekwoon's always avoiding, and Hakyeon's no stranger to that, so he opens the door and steps out without another word. "Don't overwork again, and try not to carry all those heavy boxes by yourself. What are you even using Chanyeol to? Get him to help you. If you need to visit the hospital again while I'm away these two weeks I'm going to force you to hire more people."
"You nag like my mother, Taekwoon. And people think you don't talk." Hakyeon gives him a wave and a small grin. "And you, you shouldn't destroy yourself over these two weeks. Eat, and sleep. Drive safely, and call me if there's anything."
Taekwoon wonders, when he drives to his own home, how Hakyeon could forget that it's impossible to not destroy yourself in this industry. And perhaps, Hakyeon's living the illusion that Taekwoon's not ruined yet, because he’s already in pieces.
★ ★ ★
Getting used to cameras had been harder than falling for football and kicking footballs until his legs ached or falling to the ground, scraping his knees and coming home to a mother sighing over the bruises. There had been a time when Taekwoon hated cameras and the way it flashes. He disliked being captured. It'd been a horrible feeling to shoot his first milk commercial, even though he was on a field, with football cleats on and all he had to do was kick a football. Easier, it couldn't have been.
He doesn't remember the exact reason why he agreed to shoot it in the first place, but there's a vague memory of a promise that he'd get to attend football lessons if he did, because his mother had always been all for having her kids seen on the small-screen. Taekwoon does remember being nine and seeing his oldest sister acting in a drama as a child-role, being eleven and following the youngest sister to the shooting location for some clothing commercial. middle sister never wanted any of that, and instead concentrated on her books, and mother couldn't help that.
Taekwoon was last. He never thought he'd be the only one in the business until today. Never thought he'd choose standing in front of cameras with layers of makeup on his face instead of attending university and training football with others. Sometimes, he imagines all of that. Imagines feeling nervous for the recruiting, imagines being recruited for a good team, imagines running in the field again.
But fantasies ends somewhere, and for Taekwoon, it's when the camera flashes and the jeans sits too tight around his already skinny figure. The clothes he wears are made for perfect people and Taekwoon knows, despite his title as Supermodel, that he's anything but that.
It's too late for quitting. This is what he tells himself. If he quits this, then he'll really have nothing. After a few years, he'd learned that you don't need to love it to be addicted to it. Right now, without the painful marks on his body because of the clothes, or the too bright flashes, seeing his face on covers and billboards Taekwoon doesn't know what else he'd have to hold onto.
Hakyeon would call him crazy, but Taekwoon would like to continue until the day his cover shoots fall off billboards to be replaced by someone else's face, even if it takes, takes, takes pieces of him until there's nothing left to take.
★ ★ ★
Sojin is in the meeting room when Taekwoon arrives, hair in a ponytail, and her eyes crinkling up into a smile when she sees him walk through the door. It's nice, the way she smiles, and this, Taekwoon knows, is that type of a special smile only for him. He's sad he can't give her anything back.
"Good morning," she greets, patting the chair next to hers, gesturing for him to sit down. "Have any ideas what the director wants to talk about so early?"
Her hand feels warm on his knee, and she flips through a magazine on the table without showing any concern about it. Friends. She said she’d be okay if they’re only that, too. So he lets her hand stay.
"Probably our usual 'family meeting', I guess," he replies. Their director likes to keep the people under his care updated with each other's things, and he truly treats everyone like his children. He'd say this is the reason why he's stayed in the same company for so long. "You dyed your hair."
She hums. "I had to. Those scandals," she waves her hand and steals a glance at him, a playful glint in her eyes, "made me grow grey hair." She lets her hand fall from his knee. "I'm kidding. My comeback with Minah is soon."
"I… I'm sorry about that. Did you have a hard time?"
"I'm fine. Well, as fine as I can be, having the whole nation think that I got dumped by you, then got back together, then dumped again?" She laughs at his expression, and Taekwoon's relieved to recognise that this kind of laughter means she's sincerely all right. "It's nothing. I've been in worse situations. This will die out soon enough." She looks down on her nails, but doesn’t really look. "All those false rumours, though. If only any of that was true…"
They’d been for lunch, only, and it’s a normal thing. Sojin requests to eat together whenever they stumble into each other and Taekwoon doesn’t have a reason to say no. He hadn’t expected anything of this to break out. He leans back against the chair and pretends not to hear her last mumble when Myungsoo enters the room with Hongbin right behind him.
"Good morning, hyung," Myungsoo says, then looks over to Sojin, "and noona."
"I have a such a headache," Hongbin sighs, reaching over for a glass to pour water into and Myungsoo laughs. They sit down across from Taekwoon and Sojin, taking up their phones, not bothered by the silence as they await the others' arrival. "Sanghyuk's still in Malaysia for his runway show, right?"
"Kyungri's not in Seoul, either," Sojin chimes in. "She's visiting her sick grandma."
Small conversations are what Taekwoon enjoys listening to, but they've all known him long enough to not ask him to join. The director arrives just in time, and starts with telling them the plans regarding this summer: Minah and Sojin's comeback for next month, later going on to Myungsoo, Hongbin and Sanghyuk's joint CéCi Summer Photoshoot in Jeju.
"At the same time, there's also a wedding dress shoot by a fashion designer in Taipei that Kyungri's a part of," the director says, flipping through his papers. "And she needs a male model from our company to accompany her. This is the most important part for today."
"I volunteer?" Hongbin says, grinning, while rubbing his temples.
"If you could find a twin who could do the CéCi shoot with us while you drool over Kyungri-noona in a wedding dress then maybe our director would let you," Myungsoo says, rolling his eyes. "Please pay attention. I think Taekwoon-hyung's the only one with no schedule at that time?"
The director nods slowly. "I thought of Taekwoon, too. But I also have something to announce, and that is my plan of having another model debut this summer. So, I thought, I'd make him do that."
"I thought we only had trainees for the upcoming idol group?" Sojin asks, raising her eyebrows and Myungsoo looks just as surprised. "Or did I miss out on something?"
"We do only have trainees for the idol group right now," the director says. "It's complicated. Anyway, I'll need one of you to guide him before that, also help him with his test shoots, so I'll contact you somewhere under next week, when I find a hole in your schedule, is that okay? He's a special kid, I'd like it if you could help me make him feel a bit better about switching from singing to modelling. No matter what, I want him as a model, at least in the start."
Taekwoon looks up, and taps his fingers against the table. He usually never speaks during these meetings, as he's never felt the need to give opinions to anything at all. "Isn't that a bit selfish?"
Sojin's gaze flickers to him immediately, eyes reflecting a question mark. Hongbin clears his throat, and Myungsoo looks down on his feet. Silence fall on them as the director raises his eyebrows. "Well, I think that's a first," he says, laughing. "I mean, to hear your opinion on things, Taekwoon."
"I apologise if I appeared rude, but if he's spent time on practicing singing or dancing, or whatever it takes to become an idol, wouldn't it be very unfair to shove him to another path? What about his dream-" He stops there. Personal matters shouldn't ever collide with business, Taekwoon had forgotten that for a moment. "However, these are only my thoughts. I apologise again."
"I don't see anything wrong with what you said." The director shakes his head. "I understand your thoughts completely. Keep in mind, though, that I would never do it without his agreement. So there's no need to worry. I've come up with many opportunities for him in the future that involves a solo career. I also think he'd fit better as a solo artist. Is that enough?"
Taekwoon draws his lips together into a thin line and nods. The meeting is concluded. Sojin suggests lunch together, to which Myungsoo and Hongbin eagerly says yes to while Taekwoon has no preferences. He's always dragged along either way, and he doesn't have any complaints about it. He has to get ready for his three days in Tokyo, though. His flight leaves at 4pm. He’s got about six hours. There's also a call with his mother he hasn't made yet.
"Must be the 'sparkly-eyes' guy that Wonshik talked about," says Hongbin suddenly when they're all sat down in the little dim-sum restaurant a few minutes from the company. Sojin had decided on this place, and Taekwoon doesn't know if it'd been on purpose, or out of habit, considering the many times she'd been here with Taekwoon.
"Who's Wonshik?" Myungsoo asks, looking at the menu. Sojin orders for herself, and for Taekwoon, too, without him needing to tell what he wants. "New friend?"
Hongbin shrugs. "I'm friendly, okay, I actually make time to get to know our trainees." Myungsoo pretends to clap and it earns him a kick under the table from Hongbin. "Anyway, Wonshik said they were supposed to debut in the same group, but suddenly the boy said he'd be a model instead. He said they lost their main vocal or something."
"Nothing makes sense for me." Myungsoo reaches up to brush hair from his eyes. "Like Taekwoon-hyung said, if he's been trained to debut as a singer, why would they push him to debut as a model."
"Remember that our director surely has good reasons," Sojin reminds them. "And you heard what he said, that boy agreed to it. You guys should only focus about how to make him feel at home as a model."
Taekwoon picks up chopsticks and tissues, handing everyone it. "He shouldn't have his debut so soon, though, if that has just been decided," he says, quietly. "It would've been easier to have him as a cameo in a commercial or something. Give him time to practice. Does he even know how to pose or walk a runway properly?"
Sojin nods. "But you know, as a trainee for an idol group duo, Minah and I both had to take easy modelling lessons, too. We are models, too, kind of. I bet he's okay."
"Why would you nickname someone 'sparkly-eyes' anyway?" Myungsoo asks, snorting.
The waitress comes out with four glasses of ice tea, placing them down slowly as she glances at all of them with round eyes. She's blushing madly when Hongbin smiles at her, and then stumbles away. "Wonshik says his eyes are special. Alive. Pretty sure our director fell for them or something."
The food arrives and Taekwoon remains silent during the whole time, and even if he notices Sojin's stares, he pretends that he doesn't.
★ ★ ★
"We'd like you home for your grandma's birthday." His mother's voice is weak, weaker than last time they talked, and guilt trips him when he reminds himself that last time had been a month ago. He avoids so much that he forgets it's his own mother he's pushing away. "That shouldn't be too hard, right? Considering it being summer and all. Do you have a tight schedule? Grandma misses you."
Taekwoon squeezes the phone between his shoulder and his ear, to take down a few shirts hanging in the closet. He's just going to take everything out for Shinwoo manager to look through it for him later when he arrives. It doesn't matter what he wears, his manager will always find a way to point out that something's off with this outfit. It's better to let him decide.
"There shouldn't be any problems if I speak with my manager in advance."
Phone calls with his mother are all the same. How are you lately? Do you eat properly? I bought the magazine that you had a shoot with. I watched the runway on television. Taekwoon will keep his answers short and she will always end the call with a sigh. He knows there's another thing she always wants to ask, but chooses not to, instead, and Taekwoon's thankful.
How is your foot?
Did you go to the hospital to check it?
It's been years. Taekwoon still refuses and she still regrets. For what reasons, he's not sure. Him slipping on the field that day, because of the rain while running for the ball, him having bad luck for it to turn out to be such a serious injury, him avoiding instead of going through the whole physical therapy after his surgery, him deciding to quit - none of that had been her fault. He finds no use in telling her to stop blaming herself, because he knows his father does that enough.
"Take care of yourself," is what she says before ending the call, and Taekwoon stands still for a second.
Then the door rings and he quickly puts the phone down to open it. In comes Shinwoo manager with a phone plastered to his ear, eyebrows furrowed, and he waves quickly at Taekwoon before going into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. Taekwoon ends up packing alone; throwing a few of his favourite shirts and cardigans with a couple of pants into his suitcase while Shinwoo stays on the phone for almost twenty more minutes.
"All finished?" His manager asks when he hangs up.
Taekwoon closes the suitcase and zips it. He nods at the phone. "What took so long?"
"Ah, it was just Sanghyuk's manager. He couldn't get to the director so he called me instead," he tells, putting the phone in his pocket. "Sanghyuk had… problems, again."
Sunken cheekbones and bony arms and legs. That's the only memory Taekwoon has of Sanghyuk right now, all that's left of a boy who started out with shining eyes and a healthy body. He grips the suitcase and stays silent, then asks, "Is he okay?"
"He should be. He collapsed right before the show, though, and was admitted to the hospital in Malaysia. They're on the plane home right now, but Sanghyuk will have to stay in a hospital for a few more days."
Shinwoo shakes his head, and runs his fingers through his hair. Taekwoon knows it's not the first time he's dealing with things like these. Shinwoo's been his manager in four years now, but Shinwoo's been in this business for a bit longer than Taekwoon, been manager to a lot of different models, too. Models, who were maybe not as healthy as Taekwoon. He's dealt with heavy stuff, but he's a nice person, sometimes caring, and Taekwoon hopes he'll stay as his manager until the end.
"Sanghyuk hasn't fully recovered from his last collapse yet, I don't know why he still insisted on not taking a break. That kid's just way too young for this."
Taekwoon had been young when he started, and he's still young. "You can't take breaks," he says. "Unless you're sure you have your face on enough places where people can see you everyday and not forget you, you cannot take breaks. Stars fall faster than the rain."
"Suddenly being poetic and all," Shinwoo manager laughs. "Let's go get coffee. I'll treat you."
Sometimes Shinwoo's more like a friend, and Taekwoon finds it amusing, but wouldn't have it any other way.
★ ★ ★
It's on the last day in Tokyo that Taekwoon receives the call, on his way to the airport. The director is dragging out on the words as he talks, swinging from one subject to another without getting to the point, and Taekwoon waits very patiently while tapping his index finger to his knee.
"You probably remember what I brought up last time about our new model needing someone to coach him through his first test shoots and before his shoot with Kyungri, right?" he says, and Taekwoon had honestly forgotten about it. Until now. "I thought about it, and honestly, no one but you would fit for this. You'll do a great job, right?"
Taekwoon has a 'no' on the tip of his tongue, but that's not what expected from him. He is quiet, fingers drawing circles on his legs as he thinks. "Okay, I'll do it."
"That's good. I checked your schedule, and seems like you're free tomorrow. Come to the company around two and he'll be waiting in our café."
He hangs up, and tries not to pull a grimace when Shinwoo looks at him questioningly. It shouldn't be too hard, he thinks, but there's something about the nickname 'sparkly-eyes' that displeases him. Especially when his own eyes have always come out dead in pictures, dark and lifeless. Taekwoon smoothes out his shirt and pushes back the uneasy feeling tugging at him.
★ ★ ★
Hongbin visits suddenly for lunch together (and refuses rejection) at twelve, dressed in tight jeans and a loose Superman t-shirt. Makeup free face. Taekwoon often forgets, that Hongbin is only twenty, and still a kid. It’s a little bit hard not to when most of Hongbin’s projects so far have been revealing more skin than he should, eyeliner rough around his eyes and gaze so piercing yet empty. Myungsoo likes to joke that Hongbinnie aren’t you wearing too much and they laugh, but Taekwoon notices the way Hongbin wraps arms around himself sometimes.
"No bb cream, nothing on my face. Manager's gonna kill me once he finds out," Hongbin says, grinning childishly, and pulls the cap down while waiting for Taekwoon put on his shoes. "But I can't apply makeup, so it's better to let it be."
"You look just fine," Taekwoon offers, and Hongbin's grin widens.
They end up getting salads at a coffee shop near the company, both having appointments to leave for soon. "I heard that the director chose you? I mean, as the ~coaching~ thing." Hongbin looks up curiously, picking out the tomatoes from his salad only to have Taekwoon put it all back again. "Hyung," he whines.
Taekwoon ignores it, and proceeds to pour dressing over his own salad. "He did. I'm actually meeting the new boy today."
Their lunch continues in silence, but it's the comfortable kind. Hongbin eats one or two tomatoes, chewing slowly and glances nervously at Taekwoon before secretly tossing the rest to the side but is still forced to eat up everything in the end.
"Such a caring hyung," Hongbin mutters with a grimace while he stabs the last tomato and shoves it in his mouth. The corners of Taekwoon's lips pull upwards.
Half an hour later finds Taekwoon sitting on one of plastic chairs outside the trainees' practice room, waiting. It would be an exaggeration to say that he's curious, but his eyes flickers up from his phone once in a while. Without really knowing the reason, he just feels like he needs to be prepared.
The arrival is still sudden, and it isn't until a voice speaks, "Jung Taekwoon-seonbaenim?" that Taekwoon quickly stops the music and glances to the clock, realising that fifteen minutes have gone by already.
Taekwoon blinks. "Yes, it's me." The man in front of him is all black hair that sticks out in every direction, dressed in black jeans and worn-out t-shirt with a grey hoodie upon. Despite it being in the middle of June, and the summer heat is unbearable, really.
"You didn't wait long, did you?" His smile is wide. Cheerful. Yet there's a bit of nervousness that makes his mouth curl down a tiny bit. And Taekwoon can't come up with anything to say. "I'm Jaehwan." Soft, and so very impatient; Jaehwan has the the kind of voice Taekwoon dislikes the most.
Then he meets the eyes and his fingers curls. In high school, Taekwoon remembers taking literature as an extra, and his teacher had ordered them to hand in at least three to four poems or short stories at the week's end. That's what he blames it on when he sees Jaehwan's eyes and is reminded of stars when the night is the darkest, and he is almost certain there’s a possibility that they would still shine in the middle of the day.
"Taekwoon-ssi?" Jaehwan holds out his hand and lifts his eyebrows, tilting his head to the side and Taekwoon is suddenly aware of the fact he's staring. Not flustered at all, he grabs Jaehwan's hand and lets go just as quick, before standing.
"No, it's fine. I only just arrived."
"I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do," Jaehwan says, laughing softly and they start moving, pushing up the door to go out without really knowing where to go. "I mean, it's all happening too fast." He pulls down his sleeves so that they cover his hands and looks at Taekwoon. "It's nice to know that someone will answer my questions, though!"
Taekwoon offers to buy coffee for both of them in the company’s café and Jaehwan sips on his frappuccino silently. It’s an uncomfortable kind of quiet, and Taekwoon clears his throat.
"You should be having your test shoots soon," says Taekwoon. "It’ll be pretty simple, don't worry too much." Jaehwan’s staring at him with wide eyes now, far more concentrated than he actually has to be. Taekwoon doesn’t even know what he’s supposed to say. But he knows he thinks Jaehwan might get wrinkles soon if he keeps smiling like that. "Just do what they tell you to do." Rip your soul out and give it to them. "Put effort into it, but try to look relaxed."
Jaehwan swirls the straw around in the plastic cup and juts out his lower lip. Taekwoon hopes that wasn’t attempted aegyo. “Okay, that’s.” Hands rubbing away sweat on his jeans. “Nice to know.” And just when Taekwoon thinks his smile cannot get any wider, they pull upwards again and Taekwoon is sure it’s because of the sunlight that he thinks Jaehwan’s eyes are twinkling. He looks away. “Thanks a bunch, Taekwoon-ssi! Or seonbae. I think seonbae would-”
“You should,” Taekwoon interrupts, “really try to cut down on the hand movements. You’re revealing too much.” Of what you think and what you feel and no one in the world you’re about to enter will care about either. He says nothing of that. After a while, Jaehwan will learn.
Round eyes grow rounder. “Oh, oh… revealing?”
Jaehwan tugs at the sleeves of his hoodie, and bites his lower lip, hand reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. He is obvious about every feeling and thought, shown in his every way that he moves, emotions reflecting in his clear eyes. Taekwoon is curious about how long he'll last.
“You should also be aware of that you’ll probably have to go through six, or so, months of free photo-shoots and runways before you get pay for something. It’s the basics of a newcomer. In exchange, the photographer might provide you a collection from the shoot, or you’ll get the clothes you wore on the-”
His phone beeps. It’s Shinwoo manager reminding him that he’s got a packed schedule in seven whole days for the Summer Fashion Week, and meeting with the whole staff starts in two hours. the makeup crew is here already, hurry to your apartment and we’ll get you ready. we need to leave in an hour!
“Sorry.” He puts the phone back and Jaehwan’s gaze follows his hand only to look up straight into Taekwoon’s eyes a second later. Taekwoon is caught off guard again. He dislikes it. Dislikes the way his stomach twists. “I have a schedule to hurry to, and I won’t be available for about a week.”
From the moment they met until now, Taekwoon catches a glimpse in Jaehwan’s expression that is not nervousness or slight excitement. He almost mistakes it for disappointment, but then Jaehwan’s eyes are turning into half-moons. Taekwoon’s fingers curls around the strap of his bag, and the little weird knots in his stomach make no sense. And really, he shouldn’t have agreed to do this in the first place.
“Thank you for willingly helping me,” Jaehwan says, a little bit too loud, and Taekwoon grits his teeth. “I think the first thing I saw when I put my feet into this place was your picture all over the walls. You’re really great!”
Taekwoon sincerely wonders if Jaehwan ever stops smiling. It wouldn’t be good for his skin. He was serious about the wrinkles. “It’s all right,” he says, taking out his phone again. “I only did what I was asked. You probably have more to ask, feel free to look up someone named Hongbin. Or Myungsoo.”
“Of course, I know them. Or well, I don’t know them, but I’ve seen them…” He interrupts himself, and his cheeks colour. “I’m sorry. I tend to talk a lot after getting to know someone a bit better. But yeah, you should hurry to your schedule! I’ll see you again, seonbae!”
Taekwoon presses his lips together, but says nothing. He stands, and picks up his things, and leaves with a simple nod.
He is sure it must be the sleepiness catching up after the three days without it in Japan, because on the way to the shooting location, one and a half hour later, all he sees is still half-moons and stars, behind closed eyelids.
★ ★ ★
June comes to an end with the Summer Fashion Week wrapping up successfully and Taekwoon’s home again with a week’s break before his next projects. Shinwoo manager strictly told him to stay at home and take it easy, but Taekwoon sleeps ten hours straight before washing up and getting dressed.
Chanyeol is in the midst of carrying newly arrived supplies to the smoothie shop, pulling grimaces as he does so, and Taekwoon’s not sure if it’s because of the heat or if it’s heavy.
“You should’ve stayed at home and rested,” Hakyeon shouts from inside the shop when he sees Taekwoon helping Chanyeol. They’re having the door open today, because the air conditioner broke and the customers would be showering in their own sweat otherwise even if the smoothies are made with more ice cubes mixed.
He comes out with drinks for both Chanyeol and Taekwoon later, and they sit outside the shop for a while. “I’m not coming to work if you don’t fix that air conditioner soon,” Chanyeol whines, gulping down his banana smoothie as he wipes sweat away. “It’s like, the hottest point of summer right now, why did that damned thing break down.”
“I’ll come with you to buy one if you want to,” Taekwoon offers, and his palms feels nice wrapped around the cold glass. Disliking the dreadful humidity is one thing, but Taekwoon’s always liked summer. It’s the strong memories of sweat running down his forehead, ache in his legs, shouting back and forth and most of all, the happiness that spread in his chest. He sips on his smoothie. Too bad he’s still afraid to run.
“I’d have to bother you, then,” Hakyeon hums. It is only when Chanyeol goes away to get more to drink when Hakyeon asks, “How is Sanghyuk? I heard he collapsed again.”
“He’s all right now.”
Taekwoon isn’t sure, but he’s heard pieces of conversations between Shinwoo manager and Sanghyuk’s manager, also had Hongbin send him text messages. He’s never been that close to Sanghyuk. He looks down on his shoes and kicks a few stones. Except for Hakyeon, he hasn’t been and isn’t particularly close to anyone even after so many years. He hasn’t found it very necessary, and they’re all understanding enough not to press further.
There’s Sojin. He thinks of the way her mouth curls up into a smile made only for him, and how she takes steps towards him only to have him back away. She’d be good, too good, for him. Too nice and beautiful to have him break her heart once she’s digged deep enough. And Taekwoon’s face is on billboards because he has secrets hidden.
“I thought of visiting him, but I don’t know his schedule, and we… we haven’t seen each other in a while now,” Hakyeon says. “But you should. I mean, visit him. Bring him food and force him to eat or something, I don’t know. Just make sure he’s not alone in these situations.”
Caring, caring Cha Hakyeon. “I said he’s fine, now. He has his manager. Hongbin and Myungsoo has probably visited him, too,” he says. “And he’s young, but he’s not a kid.”
The glass is no longer cold, and the banana smoothie tastes like warm soup now. Taekwoon puts it to the side. It’s not like he doesn’t care. He’s just not… close. And he likes it this way. Likes the distance between him and them.
“Whatever you want, then,” Hakyeon whispers, and Taekwoon feels his eyes on him for a few more seconds before he brings both of their glasses to the kitchen, leaving Taekwoon sitting outside alone.
He climbs into his car and drives home without saying goodbye, but messages Hakyeon later on LINE to leave the shop to Jongdae and Chanyeol on Saturday so that they can go buy the air conditioner together. His eyes lands on Sanghyuk’s name, though, and his finger hovers over it before he tucks the phone away.
Hongbin is caring enough, but Taekwoon knows he doesn’t push people. Myungsoo’s been through all of that, so he knows he shouldn’t push. But Sanghyuk is a brat, that, Taekwoon knows, and he’s reached a stage where he won’t eat until he’s collapsed.
Still, he doesn’t pick up the phone again to click on Sanghyuk’s name even if he spends the rest of the day feeling guilty.
★ ★ ★
Layers and layers of makeup can hide what's underneath to everyone, but Taekwoon's a bit disappointed that he can see everything clearly. No matter how firm his feet are on the ground, or how tall he stands, he's been where Sanghyuk is, too. Almost.
The steepest downhill of his career had been at twenty. Age of blooming. The people starts wanting more, and they would gently shove innocence to the side as they demanded a more mature, grown-up image.
Lift your shirt a bit. Easy. Cut down on the eating. Not so easy.
Eating two to one meal a day would slowly grow into nothing at all but water in seven whole days and eventually they would be gripping the sides of the toilet, clinging onto it as they threw up their flaws, hoping desperately that their soul wouldn't come out along with it.
Flush. Eat. Flush. Flush. Flush.
Taekwoon had been so close to do just the same as those he had seen flourish in the hands of the company (he had watched Heechul fight so many years to climb up so high it might have been possible to touch the clouds one moment, only to fall the next, and now he's no where to be found. And Taekwoon wonders, once in a while, if that's how they'll all end up like). Taekwoon's hands never have touched those toilet sides, though, because his turn was also the time Hakyeon arrived as his new makeup artist.
"There's no need to do what they do." Hakyeon was all whispers and reassuring grips around Taekwoon's hand. He'd painted Taekwoon's face, tucking away flaws under the bed only for the day, so that Taekwoon could take them all out again when he was alone, because humans aren't really humans without flaws, after all. He prevented Taekwoon to flush it all down instead.
Having Hakyeon as an anchor that held him back from spending time in the bathroom stalls between shoots and runways, had taught him to endure the jeans that sits so tight that they make it hard to breathe and leave marks for months to go, and force himself to swallow, swallow, swallow despite the need to spit it all out again.
"Marks are beautiful," Hakyeon had said. "More beautiful than bones that juts out. Marks fade. They don't break you."
Three years was what it took for Taekwoon to crawl out of it, because he never really fell in the first place. He'd just slipped, and held onto something (Hakyeon, for him, it'd been Hakyeon) for years before gaining enough strength to help himself up. By that time, he'd claimed first place in the industry, too.
But while making sure Taekwoon wouldn't fall into pieces, Hakyeon had managed to break himself in progress.
"I've had enough of seeing…" His lips had trembled. Taekwoon hadn't known what to do. "I've just had enough of everything in this world of fashion and that glamour of standing in front of the camera." He inhaled. "I'd describe it as suicide, in all honesty." Exhale. "And by applying makeup and fixing their hair, I feel like I'm helping them hide the pain. Like I'm helping them to…"
Taekwoon understands.
It's killing yourself. Clearly aware that you're drowning, that water will fill your lungs soon enough, but deciding to stop breathing even without trying to scream for help. It's addiction. It's a whole new kind of addiction, and while it's on a different level and nothing like football and the adrenaline that races through him when he scores a goal, it still gives him the same kind of feeling.
"And that's why you're quitting?"
"I love my job." Hakyeon had, indeed, expressed his passion for his job over the years. It'd been the most enthusiastic in the beginning, though, when his eyes would shine whenever he was finished with Taekwoon's makeup and hair. "But I'm leaving. I should've done it a long time ago."
"So why didn’t you?"
Hakyeon's eyes had soften. "You're still in that world, aren't you. How could I leave you? Lifelong friends, remember?"
"But you're leaving now."
"You don't want me to."
It's not a question. Taekwoon isn't selfish. He let go of Hakyeon's hand and proceeded to help with gathering his things to put in the cardboard box instead. "As long as you're happy," he says, and means it.
★ ★ ★
Wednesday begins with his phone beeping, and his screen is lit up with a LINE notification. It's barely seven in the morning, and he promises, he'll end Hongbin if it's him. It's not, though. An unfamiliar ID blinks. Half-sleeping, he opens the new chat cautiously. Cases like fans getting a hold of his number or IDs on KKT and LINE have happened. Not something he'd like to experience again, no matter how much he appreciates the people who supports him.
It reads ken ♕ and Taekwoon frowns at the crown more than the unfamiliar name. hi! i got your id from hongbin. It's a few seconds later, that a new messages pops up, before Taekwoon can figure out who this could be. i mean hongbin-seonbae.
It almost makes him laugh out loud. He's reminded of half-moons and stars and a patient smile belonging to someone with an impatient voice.
Ken?, he writes back. I thought your name was Jaehwan. Taekwoon rarely remembers names, so he's surprised to see himself typing it naturally. He doesn't linger his thoughts on it, and instead puts the phone down to get out of bed.
"You can relax, but don't forget to exercise," Shinwoo manager had said on the phone the other day, and Taekwoon had snorted.
It's not too sunny today, so he figures he can go jogging. There's nothing much to do, anyway, but he also needs to clean. He changes into exercising clothes and hears another beep of a new notification when he's all finished.
is it weird?? ceo-nim wanted me to have a stage name and i suggested this and hongbin said it was good. Jaehwan is quick to add, hongbin-seonbae*. Then, actually im older than him so he told me not to call him seonbae?!! And then, i'm sorry if it's too early in the morning i got your id yesterday but it was too late so i didnt want to disturb you.
He considers asking why Jaehwan's up at this time, but it hits him that obviously, as a newbie, he's got castings to go through and really, there's no time for sleep or even naps. Practice, casting, practice, casting. It'd been easy for Taekwoon to be picked out at castings because of his earlier commercials as a teen, but newbies that starts at this age tend to have a harder time.
im waiting for my time to get into casting, the line is huge!!! im quite nervous, Jaehwan tells, without being asked, and Taekwoon isn't quite sure if he should be bemused or annoyed at the sudden explosion of notifications and Jaehwan keeps on sending more and more. He settles with feeling both bemused and annoyed, because he doesn't even let Hakyeon message him this much, and leaves his phone at home when he goes out.
He does, however, remember to send just relax and remember what i told you before leaving. He can't wait for this whole "coaching" thing to be over. He doesn’t want to deal with his phone blinking once every two seconds. Jaehwan's eyes sticking to his memories like gum is hard enough to remove.
★ ★ ★
But he can’t avoid Jaehwan, even when he disables the notifications for LINE (and really, Jaehwan doesn't know to stop even when Taekwoon offers no answer back except a few take it easy once in a while). They run into each other when Taekwoon drives to the company at Friday to meet up with Shinwoo manager. They need to discuss his schedule for July.
"Seonbae!" It’s high-pitched and whiny. Taekwoon almost winces.
Nothing's different about Jaehwan this time, except his hair is shorter, but not too short, and he's wearing jeans that sits just right on him instead of too loose. Lips curled up, eyes looking like crescents.
It’s not with exaggeration and with utmost underestimation to say that Jaehwan's delighted to see Taekwoon. Like a kid who just got a whole box of cooling ice cream in the midst of a hot summer day.
They're almost at the same height. And Jaehwan looks right into his eyes again, the nearer he comes, walking with long steps and that damned smile plastered over his lips. Taekwoon must be hungry. His stomach feels strange again, as if he'd just gotten off a roller-coaster. This is very annoying.
"What are you doing here-" Jaehwan interrupts himself abruptly. "To work, right. Of course."
Taekwoon would like to point out that Jaehwan has many of those unnecessary questions in his messages, but he starts walking ahead, and Jaehwan stumbles after, quietly. He turns to the younger man and asks, "Don't you have a schedule to go to?"
"I don't! I just had lunch with Hongbin and Wonshik. Do you know Wonshik? He's a trainee in the group I was-" He interrupts himself. "Did you eat lunch, Taekwoon-seonbae?"
"I did." Lies. "How…" He considers if he should ask. It is none of his business anyway. Or maybe it is. He is supposed to coach Jaehwan, after all. "How did your test shoots go?"
It's the way Jaehwan lights up that makes Taekwoon regret asking immediately. "I was really nervous!" he tells, and clasps his hands together. "But it went well. The director told me I was a bit clumsy, though, but they all looked happy with it so I guess I did an okay job."
"That's good. And your first castings?" The words slips out without him meaning to. "You don't need to-" Tell. But Jaehwan looks like he’s been waiting to be asked.
"Tiring, really." Jaehwan's hair is falling into his eyes, but he is too busy talking to really do something about it. Somehow, Taekwoon hand itches. "I got confirmed for a small corner in next month’s CéCi issue, though!"
Jaehwan walks too close. Their shoulders keeps bumping into each other. Taekwoon quickens his pace. "That's good," Taekwoon repeats, quietly and is relieved when he reaches the hang-out room.
"Are you going in there?"
"Yes." It's impossible for Taekwoon to believe his eyes when Jaehwan's mouth curls down. The glint is back in his eyes immediately, though, seconds after. "I'll see you again, then." If Jaehwan's curious why he's got thirty-seven unanswered LINE messages, he doesn't ask. Taekwoon tries not to look at his back as he walks on.
Minah and Sojin are in the hang-out room when he enters. Shinwoo messages him and says i'll be a little late! when Sojin offers him a warm smile and scoots over for him to sit on the couch.
"Haven't seen you in weeks, Taekwoon-oppa," Minah says, sipping on her ice tea while texting someone on the phone. Then she looks up with a smug smile as her eyes wanders left and right, from Sojin to him. Minah's nice. A very nice girl with a powerful voice. But Taekwoon would rather not have this kind of conversation right now. "Except, for the many times I've looked at the Dispatch photos of you both."
"Minah," Sojin says, looking calm, but her tone is firm. "I told you it's not like that."
Minah shrugs, and puts her focus on whoever she's texting with again. "Only because you don't make it like that."
Sojin sighs, then leans into him, naturally. He can't make himself move away, but he doesn't lean in, either. They stay like that, Sojin humming an unfamiliar tune that Taekwoon assumes is a new song from their upcoming album for a while.
"When's your comeback?"
She breaks into a grin, and Taekwoon won't ever deny that she's beautiful. But he's unable to push feelings to grow. She's mature enough to understand, so they haven't mentioned it ever since that time in Fall, a year ago, when they'd been alone after one of those events and she'd told him she liked him.
"In two weeks," she says. "Saturday, on Music Core." Then she looks at him hesitantly. "Do you want to come watch us?"
"Why are you asking?" Minah chimes in, giggling. "Just tell him you want him to be there."
Sojin opens her mouth, cheeks colouring, only to close it again.
"Do you… want me to?" At the corner of his eye, he sees Minah rolling hers. He finds this moment to scoot away. She doesn't say anything, if she noticed. "I mean, I'll be there. Definitely."
He must have a headache because of the warm weather, because when she smiles, eyes crunching up, all he sees are half-moons and twinkling stars and it's definitely not because of her.
★ ★ ★
"What exactly is it, that you're teaching Jaehwan about?" Hongbin asks over dinner that night, shoving pieces of meat in his mouth and some rice. Myungsoo stabs at his piece of ribeye, but doesn't have a taste. If he keeps that up, it'll soon look inedible. "You know, I took a look at his LINE today because he kept on opening it and it seems you don't even answer him. That broke my heart. Jaehwan's too nice to have you reject him hundred times a day."
Hongbin makes a dramatic gesture, pretending to wipe off tears. “There’s nothing for me or you to teach. He’s got a manager now, who’ll help him. And I don't reject him," Taekwoon corrects. That word doesn't fit in here. He brings the glass of orange juice to his mouth and takes a sip. "I don't usually answer, anyway."
Myungsoo agrees on that one. "Hakyeon-hyung complained all the time. Back then."
"He sends me at least ten messages a day. It’s annoying."
Unnecessary messages. Did you eat?. Did you sleep well?. Seonbae, I got picked at two castings today!. They're not even close, if friends at all.
"He’s cute. Maybe he's just lonely and as you were the first one out of all us who even spoke to him, he's taking it as if he can depend on you, Taekwoon-hyung. It's okay if you feel burdened, though," Hongbin says cheerfully. "Because I can guide him, instead. More than willing to, actually. He's ten times more funnier than both of you together. And Sanghyuk is a brat to me."
"How is Sanghyuk?" Taekwoon saw a glimpse of him a few hours ago when he was on his way out of the company with Shinwoo manager. "Is he all right?"
"All right enough to move around. We’re flying to Jeju for the shoot tomorrow and he said he’s going to tag along anyway," says Myungsoo. "He'll heal, slowly. Don't worry too much, I check up on him regularly."
Hongbin glances up from his food, but stays silent. Myungsoo, of them all, should know the best. "Eat up," Taekwoon says, glaring, and Myungsoo mutters something under his breath before obediently shoving a small piece in his mouth. It takes him one thousand years to chew, and another five years to swallow. But he eats, and Taekwoon thinks that Hakyeon would’ve been proud if he’d been here.
★ ★ ★
It's out of habit that Taekwoon checks LINE before bed, but it's out of the ordinary when he sees none of Jaehwan's usual too cheerful messages complaining about not getting sleep or enough food to eat and-
He goes out of the chat and decides that this is something to be glad for.
NEXT