I would understand...
Arrived at Milwaukee. It's a more interesting city than I gave it credit for originally. I'm excited to explore more. Went south the first time (this morning to hit up a bike shop) and it wasn't a good impression for the area. It was the hispanic part of town which was, for a while, amusing, but at one point a guy in an suv was following me down the street and pulling over trying to pick me up. It's so insulting; who honestly would think that tactic would work?! Is it that they think they are so wonderful that all women crave their whole being? christ.
I came back to the apt (empty, phew) and kind of rested. I wrote brando a bit of a letter. alexz came over the night I left. For some random reason (cody) he decided to message me, and I told him basically now or never. It was a little awkward because we had that romantic past, and I was afraid that he still had feelings. We were a bit physical, as in we hugged, and sat next to each other, and it felt really wrong to be doing so. I told brandon because I thought I should and he....I don't know how I expected him to react honestly. It shouldn't have happened, but it was getting my old best friend back. and leaving home. my world had no solid earth, and he let me cling onto solid ground so long as he was next to me.
Brandon seems worried that we didn't have a break. What should I say- sure? let's do it. part of me thinks that maybe it would calm him down, but I'm afraid I wouldn't get him back. I cant believe I'm considering this. It hurts.
It distracts me from Monday however. I'm terrified for the program here to start because I feel really dumb. My heart isn't in it anymore. my heart is dead. Not sure what that means with brandon. I feel so lucky to be here and doing this, and have an exceptional life, and no part of me wants to be, for example, living in the slums that I walked through and living in a bubble. I can't have a bubble. that's why I move around so much.
time will tell. I'm trying to smother my doubts and go with the flow, and work it that I come out on top in the end. theoretically.
I came back to the apt (empty, phew) and kind of rested. I wrote brando a bit of a letter. alexz came over the night I left. For some random reason (cody) he decided to message me, and I told him basically now or never. It was a little awkward because we had that romantic past, and I was afraid that he still had feelings. We were a bit physical, as in we hugged, and sat next to each other, and it felt really wrong to be doing so. I told brandon because I thought I should and he....I don't know how I expected him to react honestly. It shouldn't have happened, but it was getting my old best friend back. and leaving home. my world had no solid earth, and he let me cling onto solid ground so long as he was next to me.
Brandon seems worried that we didn't have a break. What should I say- sure? let's do it. part of me thinks that maybe it would calm him down, but I'm afraid I wouldn't get him back. I cant believe I'm considering this. It hurts.
It distracts me from Monday however. I'm terrified for the program here to start because I feel really dumb. My heart isn't in it anymore. my heart is dead. Not sure what that means with brandon. I feel so lucky to be here and doing this, and have an exceptional life, and no part of me wants to be, for example, living in the slums that I walked through and living in a bubble. I can't have a bubble. that's why I move around so much.
time will tell. I'm trying to smother my doubts and go with the flow, and work it that I come out on top in the end. theoretically.