May 19, 2010 00:17
Tonight I don't have the energy to evoke Daniel. It's a lonely night of emptiness.
I listened to an interview with John Lennon where he described destroying his ego and rebuilding it back from bits and pieces. I never knew for sure he had that sort of experience, but I suspected he did just by the way he describes his perception of the world in his writing and music. He described it almost word-for-word as I describe "my" experience of destroying and rebuilding my ego.
He's speaking to me now and it's a little ridiculous that he's dead. Sometimes I can't help but have this feeling that Yoko was to him as Sheryl is to me - so it's strange that Yoko is still alive while he's dead. Some self-evident mutual dependency laughs at the thought. I wish I could hang out with him. I should spend some time with Yoko, if she's willing. I wish I knew some other people, preferably still alive, who have had an experience like that. Living people who have died and rebirthed themselves, that is.
Most days I am content to engage in activites, to create life a moment at a time, to provide enough friction to others so that they don't feel totally alone when they're with me. But tonight I feel more overtaken by hopelessness and sorrow. I am witnessing my body growing older. Gradually it is less and less capable of recuperating from injury. The sun and the air and the soil move through it. It is sun, air, soil - already as dead or as alive as those things are at any given moment. Today it is a little closer to the soil than it was yesterday. It's not the fact that I am dieing that produces the sorrow, it's just that there's no other meaning behind it. John being dead struck a chord with that sort of emptiness tonight.
I don't spend a lot of time socializing right now, but I do spend time with people. I have nothing to offer anybody that they don't already have. People enter my life, expect something from me, get nothing, and move on to the next thing or person. So I do some work, shuffle things around a bit, and enjoy seeing what results. Like a child. I'm enjoying building things with computers and being a part of a creative expression.
It's funny - Sheryl entered my life expecting nothing and got everything. I know there are more people out there ready for that, those who will say "aha! you're nothing in particular. I understand and am relieved.' Then we'd spend our lives giggling about it. I'm just keeping an eye out for that.
First there was the suspicion that there's nothing in particular. Then there was confirmation. Then there was confirmation that Sheryl, another person, is also nothing in particular. And from there it's endless joy and infinite sorrow because you've confirmed everything away. You're all left alone, forever. Whatever you feel from that point forward is self-evident.
Might as well tell Sheryl I love her and kiss her cheek. She's right next to me :) Just like that - happiness. It's not so complicated.
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teehee. I just sent Yoko Ono a Facebook message.