Bonus Content: Fic - A Werewolf In A Cardigan by arjd
Title: A Werewolf In A Cardigan
Username: arjd
Pairing: Remus/Pansy
Type: Het
Prompt: #27 - Suspending judgments
Rating: NC-17
Word Count:6,700
Warnings/content: AU (Tonks died and never had Teddy), rough sex?
Summary: Pansy had never thought she'd be homeless, and Remus was at the bottom of her list of "places to go".
Notes: This was originally supposed to be around 1k. I wanted to submit something for the bonus content and I really liked this prompt, so I thought I'd write something short. HAHAHA yeah that didn't happen. Anyway thank you to sassy_cat for both the prompt and the beta, and I hope you like it.
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters/references are property of JK Rowling and associates. No copyright infringement is intended.
A Werewolf In A Cardigan
She showed up at Remus Lupin's address, a small shabby cottage in Devon. He'd been bottom of the mental list she'd made of "places to go", but everyone else had refused to take her in. At twenty years old, Pansy found herself homeless and alone, sitting on her old Professor's doorstep. She was lucky Weasley had given her the address, really.
She'd been there eight hours before he came home. She'd given up hope after four, really, but since there was nowhere else to go, she couldn't seem to find the energy to move. She'd leaned against the doorframe and closed her eyes.
"Miss Parkinson?" asked a surprised voice. Pansy opened her eyes to see Professor Lupin standing at the bottom of the path, holding a carrier bag of shopping and looking as if he'd seen a ghost. "What are you doing here?"
"Professor," Pansy said. She tried to think of something sarcastic to say, but couldn't. "I had nowhere else to go." Her voice cracked.
"I'd best get you some tea and toast. You look like you need it." Lupin's voice was surprisingly warm. Maybe he'd forgotten what she'd done.
-----
They made small talk for half an hour, sipping cups of tea. Pansy had eaten the toast quickly and wondered if there was any more, but it seemed not. Lupin's house was shabby, just like him. Threadbare mismatched chairs, a soot-stained fireplace and a rickety bookshelf full of books filled his tiny lounge. The kitchen was really just a couple of worktops, an oven, a fridge and a sink, and on the trip Pansy made to the bathroom, she'd looked into the bedrooms and seen that there was only one sagging bed in each room, with a set of drawers in the larger of the two. Pansy thought there was a reason Lupin had been at the bottom of her list, and then reminded herself to be grateful. Although he could just as easily throw her back on the street, she hoped he wouldn't.
"I suppose you're wondering what I'm doing turning up here," Pansy said. "It's not like I ever spoke to you, or anything. Not nicely, anyway. Sorry. But... Weasley said you were one of the good guys. He told me to come here, after that batshit insane mother of his threw me out of her house. Which I guess she had a reason to do... Anyway, I'm not here by choice. Just got nowhere to go. I don't suppose you smoke, do you?"
"Err, Muggle cigarettes? No, I don't. And if you'd like to, I suggest we relocate to the garden."
"Yeah, gonna have to. Sorry."
Pansy continued rambling as they sat on a bench in the garden, and she lit up, blowing smoke in Lupin's face. To his credit, he didn't flinch.
"So... You've probably heard about my mum. And my dad... well, turns out he was involved in... Well, he was a Death Eater. Aurors came and searched our house. They found a load of Dark items, so they took my dad away and seized the house. In a few months, I'll be able to buy it back, but my inheritance doesn't become mine until I'm twenty-one. They told me to go and stay with a friend," she scoffed. "Yeah, right. Like anybody wants to know me since I said that stuff back at Hogwarts. You know, about giving Potter... Yeah. Well, it's amazing what one little sentence can do. I've been to the Malfoys', Zabini's and I even showed up at the Weasley's place; that's how desperate I am. It doesn't help that half the people I know are either dead or Death Eaters. So anyway, here I am. Can I stay with you a while?"
Lupin looked shocked. "Miss Parkinson," he said heavily, "what you said in Hogwarts' entrance hall placed you firmly on the side of You-Know-Who for a lot of people. You were lucky you weren't hurt by anyone, the way things were that day. We lost a lot of good people. And you know Harry saved us. I don't blame a single person for turning you away. It's a big commitment, letting someone live in your home; especially, if it's someone you may not get along with."
Pansy couldn't look at him. It was so embarrassing, having to ask for help like this. She'd never asked for help before, not on anything important. Draco used to help her with her Potions homework, but that was different. Repayment for that was buying some sweets on the next trip to Hogsmeade. How could she ever repay Lupin, if he let her stay?
He was looking at her intently. She realised with a shock that he wasn't quite as old as she'd thought. His hair seemed to have greyed prematurely, but there were still streaks of brown in it, still a spark in his hazel eyes.
"Do you know what it's like to pick the wrong side?" she asked. "No, of course you don't. A Gryffindor, through and through - right? It wasn't that I agreed with You-Know-Who, fuck no - he killed so many people, how can you agree with that? But do you have any idea how hard it is when every single person in your life, your family, friends, everyone, picks a side? I just went with the flow. And then… Yeah, what I said was stupid. I was scared. I thought maybe, if we gave him Potter, he would let me live."
"You know what I am," he said. It wasn't a question. She nodded, slowly. "And you're okay with that?"
Pansy looked away again. "Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge others before we know them."
Lupin smiled. "Clichéd, but true. You can stay." He got up from the bench.
"Were you always going to say yes?" she asked, curious.
"No," he said, "but talking to you now... You were a child before all of this happened, Miss Parkinson. We are always changing," he sighed, perhaps because that word meant so much to him, "and we should never be judged based on who we were, just who we are now." He turned and walked indoors.
Pansy stared at the overgrown garden, watching twilight descend, and smoked another few cigarettes. For the first time in days, she felt quietly hopeful. If she could just get through the next two months or so, until they released her money, maybe things would work out.
They spent the evening mostly in silence, after an awkward meal. Pansy was surprised that Lupin didn't cook; all the food he had in the house seemed to be the kind you put in an oven for thirty minutes, and he certainly didn't have a house-elf. Pansy didn't know if she could survive on this watery, tasteless mush for two months. She was used to home-cooked meals by house-elves. Maybe she should learn to cook. She shelved the idea for later thought. She was also surprised by how much Lupin read. After tea, he sat in one of his threadbare chairs and read for thirty minutes before Pansy asked if she could borrow a book and chose a text on magical creatures. She'd always had a secret soft spot for unicorns, and she read the chapter on werewolves too, just to be safe.
They retired early.
"Err, Professor?" she asked, biting her lip. "I don't suppose you've got a spare pair of pyjamas, have you? Only they wouldn't let me take much from the house."
"Here," he said, producing a pair that looked new. They were the nicest things Pansy had seen since being in his house. Pansy was shocked. "They were a present from Harry and Ginny last Christmas," he clarified. "I haven't worn them, so they've just been sitting in a drawer."
"Ah," said Pansy. "Night, Professor. Thanks."
"Please just call me Remus," he said. "I'm not a professor anymore."
"All right. You can call me Pansy because 'Miss Parkinson' is what I was called in school, and I'm not in school any more."
He smiled. "Goodnight, then."
"Night."
Pansy lay on the uncomfortable, lumpy mattress for hours before falling asleep.
-----
In the two weeks that followed, they settled into an easy routine. Pansy would sleep late; she had always loved her sleep, and as she had nothing to do and nowhere to go, it seemed reasonable. Remus would be out when she awoke, so she would wander round the house for a few hours until he returned. He did work of a sort for Weasley's Wizard Wheezes; Remus had admitted himself that he didn't have the face to work in a joke shop, but he handled things behind the scenes and collected supplies for them. He didn't seem to be paid a lot, judging by the state of his house; Pansy suspected they would have paid him more, but she wasn't sure he'd accept it. She had a feeling that he almost liked living in near poverty.
She'd even started working on the overgrown garden. She found a pair of pruning shears in the garden shed; although, Merlin knew why they were there because the garden didn't look like it had ever been tended. Maybe those had been a Christmas present, too. She cut everything back, and found that there were some small flowers under the shrubs, just barely struggling for life. Those, she left.
Around four in the afternoon, Remus would return home. On Pansy's insistence ("Please, Remus. I can't live on that stuff for two months. I'll pay you back once I get my money. I promise") Remus began to cook proper meals for the two of them. Once Remus had showered and changed, Pansy helped him with the prep for tea, and Remus cooked while they talked. It was the only time they really talked all day, and it wasn't easy; although, it was easier than Pansy had thought it would be. They just didn't have much in common.
"So was Hogwarts much different when you went there, then?" Pansy asked one evening. They often talked of Hogwarts. It was one thing they did have in common.
Remus smiled, stirring the soup with a wooden spoon. "Not so different," he said, "of course, Dumbledore was still Headmaster. Hogwarts was still Hogwarts. Some of the teachers were different. I was in the same year as Severus Snape, so he obviously wasn't Potions master or Head of Slytherin House. But the students were really the same... Of course, it'll be different for the children who go to Hogwarts now."
"Do you think so?" asked Pansy. "Last I heard they'd almost rebuilt most of what was destroyed. Don't you think it'll be better, knowing they are truly safe?"
"I don't think they will ever be truly safe," said Remus. "There are always Dark wizards and witches in this world, and not all of them followed Voldemort. Before Voldemort, there was Grindelwald. There will be others. And there are always Dark creatures."
Pansy laughed; she couldn't help herself. "Wow, you really are an optimist, aren't you?"
Remus laughed too. "Sorry," he said. Then he looked back into the soup. Pansy wasn't sure what he was looking for. "It's been a long time since there's been anything to be optimistic about."
Pansy remembered that his girlfriend had been killed in the Battle of Hogwarts. She suddenly felt guilty for making him laugh; although, she wasn't sure why.
"Me too," said Pansy, "but the soup smells good, the gardens looking better, and I was thinking we could head into wizarding London sometime this weekend. I have a bit of money, and I desperately need some new clothes. And pyjamas, so you can have yours back. Oh, and I wanted to look for some plants for the garden."
"Not this weekend," said Remus. He still looked depressed. Maybe his face just didn't lend itself easily to a smile, Pansy thought.
"Why not?" asked Pansy.
"Full moon," said Remus shortly. "I'll be gone for three days."
"The whole three days?" asked Pansy. "Merlin. Where the fuck do you go?"
"Ministry facility. You'd think things would have changed since the war, but no. Werewolves have to stay in a special holding place for the duration of the full moon." He bit off the words as if they tasted bad.
"I thought you could just transform at home? Have you always gone there?"
"If you can prove you have somewhere safe and secure to transform, and people to take care of you while you're there - make sure you don't escape and bite anyone, that kind of thing then you can. I used to stay in my friend's basement. Harry's dad. While I was at Hogwarts, we had a special place, and my friends would take care of me. Dumbledore found somewhere for me after James died. I've been lucky, really. Some people have to go to the Ministry their whole lives."
"Well, don't you have a basement here? Couldn't I look after you?" asked Pansy. She felt very sorry for him. Maybe he said he was lucky, but she didn't think so.
"No!" he said sharply. "You're not... You couldn't. You don't know what a werewolf is like."
"I do," said Pansy. "I've been reading about them. Plus, you take Wolfsbane, don't you?"
"Pansy," said Remus. He stopped stirring the soup, and came up to her, gripping her shoulders tightly. It hurt. Pansy stared into his face. "You have absolutely no idea how dangerous I am. Even though I take Wolfsbane, a Potions master doesn't brew it, and it's less effective than it could be. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone. I wouldn't want to hurt you."
Pansy had never really wanted to help anyone before. She wanted to repay the debt she had incurred by staying with him. Remus released his grip on her.
"I'm sorry," he said, looking down, "but it's my worst nightmare to bite someone. You can't imagine how it is, being like me. I would hate to doom someone to a life like mine."
"Sorry," she said, "I didn't mean to upset you."
"It's all right," he said softly, and they left it at that, although the rest of the night was sombre.
-----
The weekend approached. Pansy could see the moon affecting Remus; he seemed more tired, more strained. He went to bed earlier, but she heard him in the hallway several times a night. She didn't think he slept much.
She woke up one morning, showered, and wandered through to the kitchen in her towel, wet hair still dripping down her back. She put the kettle on for her caffeine fix, turned, and saw Remus sitting in the armchair staring at her.
"What the fuck?" she shouted, trying to cover herself up. "I didn't think you'd be home, shit, sorry..." She walked as fast as she could to the bedroom and put some clothes on, blushing furiously. She couldn't believe he hadn't said anything. Maybe he hadn't noticed. No, he'd definitely noticed.
Somewhere during the struggle to wrestle her bra on over her still-wet body, Pansy realised that she quite liked the thought of Remus looking at her. She knew she had a decent body, even if her calves were a bit chunky, her boobs were a bit small, and her shoulders were a bit broad. She wasn't perfect. And Merlin knew neither was Remus. He was boring, old enough to be her father, and way too serious. But she had been denying for weeks now that the thought of shagging him turned her on.
"Merlin," she muttered to herself. "It hasn't been that long since I got laid. What am I thinking?"
When she went back into the living room, it was as if it had never happened. Pansy made her cup of coffee, Remus a tea, and went into the garden for her morning cigarette. Getting hold of them had been a bit of trouble; Remus had to get them for her sometimes when he went out. Sometimes she walked into the village for them, but it was a thirty-minute walk and half the time the small shop didn't have them in stock anyway. She could always Apparate somewhere, but although she'd bravely suggested a trip to Diagon Alley to Remus, she was afraid of meeting someone she knew when she was alone.
"I'm going to visit Harry and Ginny today," said Remus suddenly.
"Err, okay?" Pansy was confused. "You don't need my permission, you know."
He smiled. "I know. I was wondering if you wanted to come. You need to get out of the house."
"I do leave the house," pointed out Pansy. "I've walked into the village every other day, and I go into the garden."
He gave her a pointed look. "You need to talk to people. People your own age, too."
Pansy sighed. "But... I tried to give Potter to You-Know-Who. I'm not exactly going to be him and Weasley's favourite person."
"That's exactly why you should go," urged Remus. Pansy looked at him, leaning forward in his chair, balancing his cup and saucer in one hand. Merlin, she thought. I promised myself I'd never fancy a man who wore cardigans, yet here I am. He looked so earnest, so hopeful, and so tired. She didn't feel like upsetting him again.
"All right," she said, "but if it all goes tits up, I blame you. Just for the record."
"All right," he said, and relaxed back into his chair.
She Side-Along Apparated with him as she didn't know where Potter and girl-Weasley lived. He held her arm, not her hand, and he didn't look at her as he did. He still hadn't mentioned the towel incident. He was so proper; it infuriated Pansy.
She supposed later that it was then, when she felt the tight grip of his hand on her arm, she decided to seduce him.
Lunch at Potter and girl-Weasley's was just as awkward as she thought it would be, but worse. She and Remus arrived, after the Apparition and a bit of a walk, outside a pub of all places, and when Remus led her down an alley, she did seriously wonder if he was going to shag her after all, until they started ascending a set of stairs and Pansy realised they lived in a flat above a pub. Not ideal; surely Potter could afford better than that?
Remus knocked at the door. Pansy took a breath, and tried not to fiddle with the sleeves of her jumper. Remus smiled at her reassuringly, just before the door was opened.
"Oh," said the Weasley girl, "you brought her, did you? Great. I suppose you'd better come in."
The flat was nicely decorated inside, although on the small side, in Pansy's opinion. It was better than Remus's, though. Once Pansy had some money, she'd have to do up the cottage, she thought.
Potter even tried to be nice, which just made Pansy feel even guiltier than she already did.
"Hi," he said, pushing his glasses up his nose. "Nice to see you again, Pansy."
"Is it?" asked girl-Weasley.
"Would you like a cup of tea? Coffee?"
Pansy wanted to go and wait outside and smoke herself to death while she waited for Remus. She felt that by barging into girl-Weasley and Potter's lives unasked for, she was bringing back bad memories. Merlin knew, being here was bringing up bad memories for her. So she could understand completely Ginny's hostility; you couldn't believe someone had changed until you saw it for youself.
"Coffee, please. Three sugars." Pansy tried to smile. She also started making a conscious effort to call them Harry and Ginny.
"Hmph! Three!" said Ginny. Pansy wondered if she knew how like her mother she sounded. It almost made her smile; Molly Weasley was, according to Ron, a lovely woman (and from the small food parcel Ron had given her Pansy could testify that Molly was a wonderful cook). However, she was also fiercely protective of Potter, and clearly had a bit of a temper, as Pansy had found out. While Ginny was making the tea, Harry excused himself to go to the kitchen. Pansy and Remus sat in silence, but they could hear animated whispering from the kitchen. Pansy wondered what they were talking about.
They sat around a little table for lunch, which turned out to be some sort of spicy chicken salad. Pansy had to admit her heart had sunk a little as soon as she heard the word 'salad', but when she had finished she found herself satisfied and surprisingly full. It turned out Ginny had grown many of the plants herself on the little patio out the back. Pansy swapped a few tips with her. She certainly seemed less hostile, and wondered if Harry had spoken to her. Suddenly she felt immensely grateful towards him.
"So," said Harry, "you found somewhere to stay then."
"Yep," she said. "It's just for another month or so now. You will have to thank your brother for giving me Remus's address." She directed this last at Ginny.
"I will," said Ginny. She even smiled, although it wasn't directly at Pansy.
"It's been very enjoyable so far," said Remus, surprising her. "It's nice having another person about the house. And Pansy has even tamed the garden."
Pansy blushed. "I was just bored while you were working. The only other thing I can do is read."
Harry laughed. "That does sound like Remus's house."
They stayed for half an hour longer, and Pansy noticed Remus was getting quieter and quieter. It's only lunch, she thought, and then remembered that the full moon was the next day. He must be tired.
"Well," she said, standing. "It's getting on, and we don't want to intrude on your afternoon. And I don't know about anyone else, but I am in desperate need of a cigarette." They all stared at her. "Just me, then? All right. We should be going anyway."
Remus pulled himself to his feet. "Yes. Thank you very much for lunch, both of you. It was delicious." He smiled at Pansy, and she smiled back. She looked away just in time to see Harry and Ginny exchange a look.
They showed them to the door, and as they left Ginny said, "Bye. Pansy, you're obviously a good influence on Remus; he hasn't brought one book today. It was nice seeing you both again."
"It was," said Harry. Pansy looked back as she walked down the stairs. They looked so happy. At that moment, she truly hated herself for what she'd said all those years ago.
-----
Remus left the next day, leaving her a small pile of money for groceries and instructions on what to do if the hot water went off, which apparently it did quite often. Pansy felt a heaviness in her heart as she watched him walk down the road to the Apparition point. It was going to be a long three days.
She crawled onto Remus's bed and admitted to herself that she was really, really going to miss him.
Those three days seemed to be the longest in her whole life. She tried to sleep and couldn't. The cottage felt too empty. She lived off toast and cups of coffee and cigarettes, not wanting to cook for one; it was too sad. And she slept in his bed, because even though she hadn't realised he even had a smell, he did.
Pansy had long felt that she was a 'grown-up', whatever that meant. She'd had casual sex, she smoked, she drank, and she would shortly be in possession of a large amount of money. But alone in that house, she felt like a child again, and every dark thing she had been trying to keep at bay for the last year came crashing upon her like a wave. The last night of the full moon, she sat in Remus's bed in the dark, staring up at the sky through his window and wondering what pain he was going through. She cried for him. She cried for her mother and for her father. And she cried for herself, for her shit, broken life. For the one mistake that had cost her everything. She was so hated that not one person in her life would help her, except an old school teacher who didn't even know her but had been kind enough to reserve judgment.
She couldn't sleep that night, counting down the hours until morning.
When he came back, he was a wreck. Pansy had thought he looked tired in the days before the full moon; that was nothing compared to how he looked now. She was frightened for him. She had made him a cup of tea, reheating it again and again with her wand as she waited, but he stumbled past without even looking at it.
"Sorry," he said. "Just need to sleep. Don't wake me."
So Pansy spent another day alone. She looked into his room from time to time, mostly to check he was still breathing. He looked younger in sleep, more relaxed but still so tired and much thinner.
She was sitting outside smoking when he finally got up, late into the afternoon. He came outside barefoot, and gave her a hollow smile.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"I'll be fine. I find in times like these chocolate is a great help," he said, holding up a huge bar of chocolate.
Pansy stared at it enviously, taking another drag of her cigarette.
"What's for tea?" he asked. "I'm starving."
"Pizza," she said with a grin. "In times like these, pizza is such a help."
He wasn't awake long, just long enough for a few cups of tea and the pizza, then he went back to bed.
Pansy laid awake in her bed for a long time, feeling unfulfilled. She worried about what the three-day obsession with Remus Lupin meant. She wondered if she should leave.
"No," she whispered aloud. "He doesn't even feel like that about you, you silly girl. You have nothing to be scared of."
-----
He was at home for the next few days. Pansy was in the garden a lot, smoking or tidying up; she was getting quite brown now, and she'd grown to love the feeling of earth on her hands, of being able to look out on the garden each night and feel like she'd achieved something. Occasionally, he came and sat on the bench, but he seemed to have a lot of reading to do as he always did.
On the fourth day, he went back to work. Pansy spent the day on his bed reading, it was still comfier than hers was. He came home at four o'clock as usual.
"You look better," she remarked as she took the shopping off him.
"I feel better. Risotto for tea, is that all right? And would you mind putting away the groceries while I get showered?"
"Of course I will," said Pansy.
After tea, Pansy felt quietly happy, and realised that being with Remus made her feel safe in a way that she couldn't quite put her finger on. It wasn't keeping her safe from physical harm; although, she knew that he was perfectly capable of it. It was just something about the atmosphere, something quiet and calm, and the way he always seemed to be so unruffled. Then she remembered the time he had gripped her arms hard, stared her in the face and said that he didn't want to hurt her, and she licked her lip, looking down.
"Are you all right?"
She smiled. "I'm fine. I was just thinking..." Her smile became playful. "When I first came here, you said that you would reserve judgement on me. So, what do you think of me now?"
His mouth opened and closed once, then twice, like a fish out of water.
"I... Think that you are a very intelligent woman. You're funny, and you smoke too much. You are an excellent gardener and a terrible cook. I think that what you said that day haunts you more than you let on, and that you've grown up since saying it."
Pansy stared at him. "Well... And here was me thinking you didn't know me all that well."
Remus smiled. "So what do you think of me? Because I suppose your perception of me when you arrived was 'a werewolf who wears cardigans', and I sincerely hope that's changed."
Pansy laughed. "Nope, not really. Except now, I know that you also like cups of tea with half a teaspoonful of sugar, you are not as boring as I thought, you are a terrible gardener and an excellent cook, and seeing as you're only a werewolf three nights a month, I really don't think it's such a massive character flaw. Although, you did seem to be gone much, much longer than three days."
"Did you get lonely while I was gone?" He seemed sad.
"Yes, I did."
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Don't be ridiculous. It isn't your fault you had to leave."
Remus looked over at the clock on the mantelpiece, which had chimed twelve some time ago.
"It's late. We should go to bed."
"Do you have work tomorrow?" Pansy asked.
"Yes," sighed Remus.
-----
"Thought you were at work?" she asked Remus the next morning, as she filled the kettle. "Cuppa?"
"Took the day off," he said. "Yes, please."
"Good," she said. "You can make it, then. I'm going to the garden for a cigarette. I'll be in a right grump until I do."
As she walked out of the door, she heard him grumbling to himself.
Five minutes later, her transformation into a normal human being was almost complete.
"Sorry about that," she said smiling, as she came through the door.
"It's all right," said Remus stiffly.
"Oh, you're not really offended, are you? Look, I'll make every other cuppa today and tea tonight..."
She stopped when she saw his grin. "You, arsehole!" she shouted. He laughed, and handed her a cup of coffee.
She went and got dressed while her coffee was cooling and specifically picked out her shortest skirt, just to see what would happen, and as she sat at the kitchen table with her coffee and a copy of The Daily Prophet, she could feel his eyes on her. Or at least, she hoped she could. When she glanced over the top of the paper, she saw him glance away from her quickly.
It was all the confirmation she needed.
-----
"Goodnight, Remus," Pansy called, leaning around her door to watch Remus leave the bathroom and enter his bedroom.
He looked askance at her, but muttered, "Goodnight, Pansy," before closing his door behind him. Or was it left open, just a little?
She waited ten minutes, dressed in just the shirt of the pyjamas he had given her and a pair of lacy knickers, not for any real reason but just because she was nervous. Pureblood propriety had been deeply ingrained in her since childhood; although, that hadn't stopped her shagging Draco or Blaise Zabini, or several other men since them. She was also, despite her earlier assurance, fearful of being rejected. If this backfired, it could really fuck up things between them and drastically shorten the duration of her stay.
She took a deep breath, smoothed her shirt down over her breasts and stomach, and quietly left the room. She made as little noise as possible. His door was ajar; she pushed gently on the wood of the door and it swung open. Her eyes had adjusted to the dark and she could see he was lying in, or rather on, his bed. She smirked; he hadn't been lying when he said he didn't need the pyjamas. She admired for a moment the lean lines of his body, then padded over to his bed and perched on the edge, leaning over slightly so she could see his face.
He rolled and grabbed her wrist quicker than she could move.
"What the fuck are you doing?" he said. She'd never heard him swear before, but she tried to keep her composure.
"Shhh..." she said, using her other hand to stroke his collarbone, up the side of his neck, to rub her thumb along his jaw. He fixed his eyes on hers, and moved his face into her hand. She smiled.
He released her wrist and stroked up her arm, kissed her wrist where he had gripped it. "I didn't mean to hurt you then," he said. He moved his hand further up her arm, over her shoulder, threaded his fingers through her hair at the nape of her neck, and suddenly clenched his fist, hard. Pansy gasped. "No more talking," he whispered. His eyes glittered darkly.
Pansy found herself on her back faster than she could think. One of his hands moved upwards to pin her wrists to the bed above her head, and the other roamed freely over her body, but not under the t-shirt, not yet. What the fuck? Pansy thought. She hadn't foreseen things playing out this way, not in a million years. She smiled, and arched her back towards his hand. He stroked the outside of her underwear. Pansy could feel how wet she was getting.
He let go of her wrists long enough for her to take off her t-shirt. She thrust her breasts at him; he nuzzled them and bit them, none too gently. Fuck, she hoped she had bruises in the morning. He hadn't let her touch him, so far, but she was all right with that. There would be time. She had been afraid he would be awkward, or inexperienced (age, she had discovered, was no indication of sexual prowess), because aside from outright rejection that would be the one thing that would fuck them over most. She was pleased to be proven wrong.
He pinned her back down, and settled his pelvis between her thighs, which she gladly let fall open onto the bed, as wide as they would go; they kissed for the first time. The first kiss was gentle, a chaste, closed-mouthed peck, but then he was forcing his tongue between her lips and it became a deep, intense kiss. He bit her bottom lip again and again, and the pain was so sweet she could have cried.
He moved closer and she finally felt his hardness against the outside of her knickers. He rubbed against them, then reached down and moved her knickers to one side. She was already slick, but his finger slid up and down between her lips, dipping once into her. She thrust, but he had already moved his hand away, to be replaced a second later by his cock. He rubbed up and down against her, the most delicious tease, and then without warning slammed into her. She moaned loudly; she couldn't help herself, and she was rewarded with another deep, searching kiss. He filled her so completely, and she realised that he was probably the biggest she'd had. Maybe the others weren't so great, after all.
She stopped thinking altogether when he began to move. He didn't slide in and out, he didn't have sex with her, he fucked her until she trembled and all she could do was cling to him, grab hold of him, and try to leave her mark on him the same way he would leave marks on her. A hand reached between them and rubbed her clit and all of a sudden, it was almost too much, and she felt herself begin to come apart.
He stopped.
"No..." moaned Pansy. "Please..."
He pulled out and stood up. Pansy lay there, feeling utterly helpless. He swung her legs around so they dangled off the edge of the bed, ripped off her knickers, and then picked her up again. She wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. He moved over to the wall, slamming her back against it. The breath left her lungs. He entered her again, but this time he was gentler, and kissed his way along her neck as he slowly fucked her. She let her hands, free for the first time, comb through his hair. It was softer than she had thought it would be. Now that she'd had a chance to touch him, she could feel his skin was covered in smooth patches and bumps.
"What are these?" she whispered into his ear.
"Scars from transformations," he mumbled into her neck. "Stop talking. Touch yourself."
And really, she had no choice but to obey. Her fingers were hesitant at first, matching the slow rhythm of Remus's thrusts, but as he sped up, she matched him, and soon her arm was aching and there was such heat where their bodies met. She cried out as she came, and clenched around him as he continued to fuck her, and she could feel him shaking, his thrusts getting jerkier. He flung her back onto the bed and propped himself up over her and she wrapped her legs around his back still and she felt him shake, and tremble, and slow and stop, and the warm wetness already spilling out of her told her all she needed to know.
Remus rolled off her and lay back on the pillows. "Merlin," he said, closing his eyes.
Pansy started laughing. She couldn't help herself. She'd just had the best shag of her life off someone old enough to be her dad, who wore cardigans and worked for a joke shop. The whole situation was frankly ridiculous. She loved it.
"What's so funny?" Remus asked. He sounded genuinely concerned.
"Nothing," Pansy said, hopping out of bed and trying to find her shirt in the dark. She needed a cigarette. Her thighs ached.
He grabbed her wrist again. "Why did you do that? Did you want to, or did you feel like you had to pay me for staying here?"
"Don't be stupid," said Pansy. "I wanted to."
"Are you sure?" he asked. "You're always saying how you wish you could do more to repay me, and you've seen the way I look at you..."
"Have I?" asked Pansy.
"Haven't you?"
Pansy started laughing again. "Not really, just once," she said. "Just... I've always wondered what you'd be like. And... thank you. Merlin, that was amazing. I don't know about you, but... I never thought you'd be like that, especially not with me. I thought you'd be all noble. Ha!"
Remus relaxed back onto the bed. "Contrary to what you might think, I see you as a woman, not a child. And when a woman I am attracted to comes onto me, I won't usually say no."
"You don't even think it's a bit weird, cos of the age gap?" she asked, curious.
"Honestly? Maybe a little. I was your professor, and there are always people who are going to see something wrong with that. Now the war's over, though... Anyway, let's not get ahead of ourselves."
Pansy smiled and pulled her shirt on. "I'm going for a cigarette and a cuppa. You coming?"
"Yeah, just let me get my clothes on."
Pansy left the room before Remus conjured a light; she hated seeing the rumpled, sweaty bed and the flaccid cock of a lover just after a shag. She found it really diminished her happy feeling. She stopped by her room for some trousers before heading outside.
He met her again on the garden bench.
"Kettle's on," he said.
"This is a bit mental," said Pansy, grinning at him.
"Yeah... What are you supposed to say to someone you've just had insanely good sex with?"
"Err... Thanks?"
They started laughing again. Pansy finished her cigarette and chucked it into the watering can that served as an ashtray.
"Come on," she said. "How about that cuppa?"
She took his hand as they walked into the house.
-----
For the Love of Pansy (Round 1) Masterlist
Username: arjd
Pairing: Remus/Pansy
Type: Het
Prompt: #27 - Suspending judgments
Rating: NC-17
Word Count:6,700
Warnings/content: AU (Tonks died and never had Teddy), rough sex?
Summary: Pansy had never thought she'd be homeless, and Remus was at the bottom of her list of "places to go".
Notes: This was originally supposed to be around 1k. I wanted to submit something for the bonus content and I really liked this prompt, so I thought I'd write something short. HAHAHA yeah that didn't happen. Anyway thank you to sassy_cat for both the prompt and the beta, and I hope you like it.
Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters/references are property of JK Rowling and associates. No copyright infringement is intended.
A Werewolf In A Cardigan
She showed up at Remus Lupin's address, a small shabby cottage in Devon. He'd been bottom of the mental list she'd made of "places to go", but everyone else had refused to take her in. At twenty years old, Pansy found herself homeless and alone, sitting on her old Professor's doorstep. She was lucky Weasley had given her the address, really.
She'd been there eight hours before he came home. She'd given up hope after four, really, but since there was nowhere else to go, she couldn't seem to find the energy to move. She'd leaned against the doorframe and closed her eyes.
"Miss Parkinson?" asked a surprised voice. Pansy opened her eyes to see Professor Lupin standing at the bottom of the path, holding a carrier bag of shopping and looking as if he'd seen a ghost. "What are you doing here?"
"Professor," Pansy said. She tried to think of something sarcastic to say, but couldn't. "I had nowhere else to go." Her voice cracked.
"I'd best get you some tea and toast. You look like you need it." Lupin's voice was surprisingly warm. Maybe he'd forgotten what she'd done.
-----
They made small talk for half an hour, sipping cups of tea. Pansy had eaten the toast quickly and wondered if there was any more, but it seemed not. Lupin's house was shabby, just like him. Threadbare mismatched chairs, a soot-stained fireplace and a rickety bookshelf full of books filled his tiny lounge. The kitchen was really just a couple of worktops, an oven, a fridge and a sink, and on the trip Pansy made to the bathroom, she'd looked into the bedrooms and seen that there was only one sagging bed in each room, with a set of drawers in the larger of the two. Pansy thought there was a reason Lupin had been at the bottom of her list, and then reminded herself to be grateful. Although he could just as easily throw her back on the street, she hoped he wouldn't.
"I suppose you're wondering what I'm doing turning up here," Pansy said. "It's not like I ever spoke to you, or anything. Not nicely, anyway. Sorry. But... Weasley said you were one of the good guys. He told me to come here, after that batshit insane mother of his threw me out of her house. Which I guess she had a reason to do... Anyway, I'm not here by choice. Just got nowhere to go. I don't suppose you smoke, do you?"
"Err, Muggle cigarettes? No, I don't. And if you'd like to, I suggest we relocate to the garden."
"Yeah, gonna have to. Sorry."
Pansy continued rambling as they sat on a bench in the garden, and she lit up, blowing smoke in Lupin's face. To his credit, he didn't flinch.
"So... You've probably heard about my mum. And my dad... well, turns out he was involved in... Well, he was a Death Eater. Aurors came and searched our house. They found a load of Dark items, so they took my dad away and seized the house. In a few months, I'll be able to buy it back, but my inheritance doesn't become mine until I'm twenty-one. They told me to go and stay with a friend," she scoffed. "Yeah, right. Like anybody wants to know me since I said that stuff back at Hogwarts. You know, about giving Potter... Yeah. Well, it's amazing what one little sentence can do. I've been to the Malfoys', Zabini's and I even showed up at the Weasley's place; that's how desperate I am. It doesn't help that half the people I know are either dead or Death Eaters. So anyway, here I am. Can I stay with you a while?"
Lupin looked shocked. "Miss Parkinson," he said heavily, "what you said in Hogwarts' entrance hall placed you firmly on the side of You-Know-Who for a lot of people. You were lucky you weren't hurt by anyone, the way things were that day. We lost a lot of good people. And you know Harry saved us. I don't blame a single person for turning you away. It's a big commitment, letting someone live in your home; especially, if it's someone you may not get along with."
Pansy couldn't look at him. It was so embarrassing, having to ask for help like this. She'd never asked for help before, not on anything important. Draco used to help her with her Potions homework, but that was different. Repayment for that was buying some sweets on the next trip to Hogsmeade. How could she ever repay Lupin, if he let her stay?
He was looking at her intently. She realised with a shock that he wasn't quite as old as she'd thought. His hair seemed to have greyed prematurely, but there were still streaks of brown in it, still a spark in his hazel eyes.
"Do you know what it's like to pick the wrong side?" she asked. "No, of course you don't. A Gryffindor, through and through - right? It wasn't that I agreed with You-Know-Who, fuck no - he killed so many people, how can you agree with that? But do you have any idea how hard it is when every single person in your life, your family, friends, everyone, picks a side? I just went with the flow. And then… Yeah, what I said was stupid. I was scared. I thought maybe, if we gave him Potter, he would let me live."
"You know what I am," he said. It wasn't a question. She nodded, slowly. "And you're okay with that?"
Pansy looked away again. "Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge others before we know them."
Lupin smiled. "Clichéd, but true. You can stay." He got up from the bench.
"Were you always going to say yes?" she asked, curious.
"No," he said, "but talking to you now... You were a child before all of this happened, Miss Parkinson. We are always changing," he sighed, perhaps because that word meant so much to him, "and we should never be judged based on who we were, just who we are now." He turned and walked indoors.
Pansy stared at the overgrown garden, watching twilight descend, and smoked another few cigarettes. For the first time in days, she felt quietly hopeful. If she could just get through the next two months or so, until they released her money, maybe things would work out.
They spent the evening mostly in silence, after an awkward meal. Pansy was surprised that Lupin didn't cook; all the food he had in the house seemed to be the kind you put in an oven for thirty minutes, and he certainly didn't have a house-elf. Pansy didn't know if she could survive on this watery, tasteless mush for two months. She was used to home-cooked meals by house-elves. Maybe she should learn to cook. She shelved the idea for later thought. She was also surprised by how much Lupin read. After tea, he sat in one of his threadbare chairs and read for thirty minutes before Pansy asked if she could borrow a book and chose a text on magical creatures. She'd always had a secret soft spot for unicorns, and she read the chapter on werewolves too, just to be safe.
They retired early.
"Err, Professor?" she asked, biting her lip. "I don't suppose you've got a spare pair of pyjamas, have you? Only they wouldn't let me take much from the house."
"Here," he said, producing a pair that looked new. They were the nicest things Pansy had seen since being in his house. Pansy was shocked. "They were a present from Harry and Ginny last Christmas," he clarified. "I haven't worn them, so they've just been sitting in a drawer."
"Ah," said Pansy. "Night, Professor. Thanks."
"Please just call me Remus," he said. "I'm not a professor anymore."
"All right. You can call me Pansy because 'Miss Parkinson' is what I was called in school, and I'm not in school any more."
He smiled. "Goodnight, then."
"Night."
Pansy lay on the uncomfortable, lumpy mattress for hours before falling asleep.
-----
In the two weeks that followed, they settled into an easy routine. Pansy would sleep late; she had always loved her sleep, and as she had nothing to do and nowhere to go, it seemed reasonable. Remus would be out when she awoke, so she would wander round the house for a few hours until he returned. He did work of a sort for Weasley's Wizard Wheezes; Remus had admitted himself that he didn't have the face to work in a joke shop, but he handled things behind the scenes and collected supplies for them. He didn't seem to be paid a lot, judging by the state of his house; Pansy suspected they would have paid him more, but she wasn't sure he'd accept it. She had a feeling that he almost liked living in near poverty.
She'd even started working on the overgrown garden. She found a pair of pruning shears in the garden shed; although, Merlin knew why they were there because the garden didn't look like it had ever been tended. Maybe those had been a Christmas present, too. She cut everything back, and found that there were some small flowers under the shrubs, just barely struggling for life. Those, she left.
Around four in the afternoon, Remus would return home. On Pansy's insistence ("Please, Remus. I can't live on that stuff for two months. I'll pay you back once I get my money. I promise") Remus began to cook proper meals for the two of them. Once Remus had showered and changed, Pansy helped him with the prep for tea, and Remus cooked while they talked. It was the only time they really talked all day, and it wasn't easy; although, it was easier than Pansy had thought it would be. They just didn't have much in common.
"So was Hogwarts much different when you went there, then?" Pansy asked one evening. They often talked of Hogwarts. It was one thing they did have in common.
Remus smiled, stirring the soup with a wooden spoon. "Not so different," he said, "of course, Dumbledore was still Headmaster. Hogwarts was still Hogwarts. Some of the teachers were different. I was in the same year as Severus Snape, so he obviously wasn't Potions master or Head of Slytherin House. But the students were really the same... Of course, it'll be different for the children who go to Hogwarts now."
"Do you think so?" asked Pansy. "Last I heard they'd almost rebuilt most of what was destroyed. Don't you think it'll be better, knowing they are truly safe?"
"I don't think they will ever be truly safe," said Remus. "There are always Dark wizards and witches in this world, and not all of them followed Voldemort. Before Voldemort, there was Grindelwald. There will be others. And there are always Dark creatures."
Pansy laughed; she couldn't help herself. "Wow, you really are an optimist, aren't you?"
Remus laughed too. "Sorry," he said. Then he looked back into the soup. Pansy wasn't sure what he was looking for. "It's been a long time since there's been anything to be optimistic about."
Pansy remembered that his girlfriend had been killed in the Battle of Hogwarts. She suddenly felt guilty for making him laugh; although, she wasn't sure why.
"Me too," said Pansy, "but the soup smells good, the gardens looking better, and I was thinking we could head into wizarding London sometime this weekend. I have a bit of money, and I desperately need some new clothes. And pyjamas, so you can have yours back. Oh, and I wanted to look for some plants for the garden."
"Not this weekend," said Remus. He still looked depressed. Maybe his face just didn't lend itself easily to a smile, Pansy thought.
"Why not?" asked Pansy.
"Full moon," said Remus shortly. "I'll be gone for three days."
"The whole three days?" asked Pansy. "Merlin. Where the fuck do you go?"
"Ministry facility. You'd think things would have changed since the war, but no. Werewolves have to stay in a special holding place for the duration of the full moon." He bit off the words as if they tasted bad.
"I thought you could just transform at home? Have you always gone there?"
"If you can prove you have somewhere safe and secure to transform, and people to take care of you while you're there - make sure you don't escape and bite anyone, that kind of thing then you can. I used to stay in my friend's basement. Harry's dad. While I was at Hogwarts, we had a special place, and my friends would take care of me. Dumbledore found somewhere for me after James died. I've been lucky, really. Some people have to go to the Ministry their whole lives."
"Well, don't you have a basement here? Couldn't I look after you?" asked Pansy. She felt very sorry for him. Maybe he said he was lucky, but she didn't think so.
"No!" he said sharply. "You're not... You couldn't. You don't know what a werewolf is like."
"I do," said Pansy. "I've been reading about them. Plus, you take Wolfsbane, don't you?"
"Pansy," said Remus. He stopped stirring the soup, and came up to her, gripping her shoulders tightly. It hurt. Pansy stared into his face. "You have absolutely no idea how dangerous I am. Even though I take Wolfsbane, a Potions master doesn't brew it, and it's less effective than it could be. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone. I wouldn't want to hurt you."
Pansy had never really wanted to help anyone before. She wanted to repay the debt she had incurred by staying with him. Remus released his grip on her.
"I'm sorry," he said, looking down, "but it's my worst nightmare to bite someone. You can't imagine how it is, being like me. I would hate to doom someone to a life like mine."
"Sorry," she said, "I didn't mean to upset you."
"It's all right," he said softly, and they left it at that, although the rest of the night was sombre.
-----
The weekend approached. Pansy could see the moon affecting Remus; he seemed more tired, more strained. He went to bed earlier, but she heard him in the hallway several times a night. She didn't think he slept much.
She woke up one morning, showered, and wandered through to the kitchen in her towel, wet hair still dripping down her back. She put the kettle on for her caffeine fix, turned, and saw Remus sitting in the armchair staring at her.
"What the fuck?" she shouted, trying to cover herself up. "I didn't think you'd be home, shit, sorry..." She walked as fast as she could to the bedroom and put some clothes on, blushing furiously. She couldn't believe he hadn't said anything. Maybe he hadn't noticed. No, he'd definitely noticed.
Somewhere during the struggle to wrestle her bra on over her still-wet body, Pansy realised that she quite liked the thought of Remus looking at her. She knew she had a decent body, even if her calves were a bit chunky, her boobs were a bit small, and her shoulders were a bit broad. She wasn't perfect. And Merlin knew neither was Remus. He was boring, old enough to be her father, and way too serious. But she had been denying for weeks now that the thought of shagging him turned her on.
"Merlin," she muttered to herself. "It hasn't been that long since I got laid. What am I thinking?"
When she went back into the living room, it was as if it had never happened. Pansy made her cup of coffee, Remus a tea, and went into the garden for her morning cigarette. Getting hold of them had been a bit of trouble; Remus had to get them for her sometimes when he went out. Sometimes she walked into the village for them, but it was a thirty-minute walk and half the time the small shop didn't have them in stock anyway. She could always Apparate somewhere, but although she'd bravely suggested a trip to Diagon Alley to Remus, she was afraid of meeting someone she knew when she was alone.
"I'm going to visit Harry and Ginny today," said Remus suddenly.
"Err, okay?" Pansy was confused. "You don't need my permission, you know."
He smiled. "I know. I was wondering if you wanted to come. You need to get out of the house."
"I do leave the house," pointed out Pansy. "I've walked into the village every other day, and I go into the garden."
He gave her a pointed look. "You need to talk to people. People your own age, too."
Pansy sighed. "But... I tried to give Potter to You-Know-Who. I'm not exactly going to be him and Weasley's favourite person."
"That's exactly why you should go," urged Remus. Pansy looked at him, leaning forward in his chair, balancing his cup and saucer in one hand. Merlin, she thought. I promised myself I'd never fancy a man who wore cardigans, yet here I am. He looked so earnest, so hopeful, and so tired. She didn't feel like upsetting him again.
"All right," she said, "but if it all goes tits up, I blame you. Just for the record."
"All right," he said, and relaxed back into his chair.
She Side-Along Apparated with him as she didn't know where Potter and girl-Weasley lived. He held her arm, not her hand, and he didn't look at her as he did. He still hadn't mentioned the towel incident. He was so proper; it infuriated Pansy.
She supposed later that it was then, when she felt the tight grip of his hand on her arm, she decided to seduce him.
Lunch at Potter and girl-Weasley's was just as awkward as she thought it would be, but worse. She and Remus arrived, after the Apparition and a bit of a walk, outside a pub of all places, and when Remus led her down an alley, she did seriously wonder if he was going to shag her after all, until they started ascending a set of stairs and Pansy realised they lived in a flat above a pub. Not ideal; surely Potter could afford better than that?
Remus knocked at the door. Pansy took a breath, and tried not to fiddle with the sleeves of her jumper. Remus smiled at her reassuringly, just before the door was opened.
"Oh," said the Weasley girl, "you brought her, did you? Great. I suppose you'd better come in."
The flat was nicely decorated inside, although on the small side, in Pansy's opinion. It was better than Remus's, though. Once Pansy had some money, she'd have to do up the cottage, she thought.
Potter even tried to be nice, which just made Pansy feel even guiltier than she already did.
"Hi," he said, pushing his glasses up his nose. "Nice to see you again, Pansy."
"Is it?" asked girl-Weasley.
"Would you like a cup of tea? Coffee?"
Pansy wanted to go and wait outside and smoke herself to death while she waited for Remus. She felt that by barging into girl-Weasley and Potter's lives unasked for, she was bringing back bad memories. Merlin knew, being here was bringing up bad memories for her. So she could understand completely Ginny's hostility; you couldn't believe someone had changed until you saw it for youself.
"Coffee, please. Three sugars." Pansy tried to smile. She also started making a conscious effort to call them Harry and Ginny.
"Hmph! Three!" said Ginny. Pansy wondered if she knew how like her mother she sounded. It almost made her smile; Molly Weasley was, according to Ron, a lovely woman (and from the small food parcel Ron had given her Pansy could testify that Molly was a wonderful cook). However, she was also fiercely protective of Potter, and clearly had a bit of a temper, as Pansy had found out. While Ginny was making the tea, Harry excused himself to go to the kitchen. Pansy and Remus sat in silence, but they could hear animated whispering from the kitchen. Pansy wondered what they were talking about.
They sat around a little table for lunch, which turned out to be some sort of spicy chicken salad. Pansy had to admit her heart had sunk a little as soon as she heard the word 'salad', but when she had finished she found herself satisfied and surprisingly full. It turned out Ginny had grown many of the plants herself on the little patio out the back. Pansy swapped a few tips with her. She certainly seemed less hostile, and wondered if Harry had spoken to her. Suddenly she felt immensely grateful towards him.
"So," said Harry, "you found somewhere to stay then."
"Yep," she said. "It's just for another month or so now. You will have to thank your brother for giving me Remus's address." She directed this last at Ginny.
"I will," said Ginny. She even smiled, although it wasn't directly at Pansy.
"It's been very enjoyable so far," said Remus, surprising her. "It's nice having another person about the house. And Pansy has even tamed the garden."
Pansy blushed. "I was just bored while you were working. The only other thing I can do is read."
Harry laughed. "That does sound like Remus's house."
They stayed for half an hour longer, and Pansy noticed Remus was getting quieter and quieter. It's only lunch, she thought, and then remembered that the full moon was the next day. He must be tired.
"Well," she said, standing. "It's getting on, and we don't want to intrude on your afternoon. And I don't know about anyone else, but I am in desperate need of a cigarette." They all stared at her. "Just me, then? All right. We should be going anyway."
Remus pulled himself to his feet. "Yes. Thank you very much for lunch, both of you. It was delicious." He smiled at Pansy, and she smiled back. She looked away just in time to see Harry and Ginny exchange a look.
They showed them to the door, and as they left Ginny said, "Bye. Pansy, you're obviously a good influence on Remus; he hasn't brought one book today. It was nice seeing you both again."
"It was," said Harry. Pansy looked back as she walked down the stairs. They looked so happy. At that moment, she truly hated herself for what she'd said all those years ago.
-----
Remus left the next day, leaving her a small pile of money for groceries and instructions on what to do if the hot water went off, which apparently it did quite often. Pansy felt a heaviness in her heart as she watched him walk down the road to the Apparition point. It was going to be a long three days.
She crawled onto Remus's bed and admitted to herself that she was really, really going to miss him.
Those three days seemed to be the longest in her whole life. She tried to sleep and couldn't. The cottage felt too empty. She lived off toast and cups of coffee and cigarettes, not wanting to cook for one; it was too sad. And she slept in his bed, because even though she hadn't realised he even had a smell, he did.
Pansy had long felt that she was a 'grown-up', whatever that meant. She'd had casual sex, she smoked, she drank, and she would shortly be in possession of a large amount of money. But alone in that house, she felt like a child again, and every dark thing she had been trying to keep at bay for the last year came crashing upon her like a wave. The last night of the full moon, she sat in Remus's bed in the dark, staring up at the sky through his window and wondering what pain he was going through. She cried for him. She cried for her mother and for her father. And she cried for herself, for her shit, broken life. For the one mistake that had cost her everything. She was so hated that not one person in her life would help her, except an old school teacher who didn't even know her but had been kind enough to reserve judgment.
She couldn't sleep that night, counting down the hours until morning.
When he came back, he was a wreck. Pansy had thought he looked tired in the days before the full moon; that was nothing compared to how he looked now. She was frightened for him. She had made him a cup of tea, reheating it again and again with her wand as she waited, but he stumbled past without even looking at it.
"Sorry," he said. "Just need to sleep. Don't wake me."
So Pansy spent another day alone. She looked into his room from time to time, mostly to check he was still breathing. He looked younger in sleep, more relaxed but still so tired and much thinner.
She was sitting outside smoking when he finally got up, late into the afternoon. He came outside barefoot, and gave her a hollow smile.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"I'll be fine. I find in times like these chocolate is a great help," he said, holding up a huge bar of chocolate.
Pansy stared at it enviously, taking another drag of her cigarette.
"What's for tea?" he asked. "I'm starving."
"Pizza," she said with a grin. "In times like these, pizza is such a help."
He wasn't awake long, just long enough for a few cups of tea and the pizza, then he went back to bed.
Pansy laid awake in her bed for a long time, feeling unfulfilled. She worried about what the three-day obsession with Remus Lupin meant. She wondered if she should leave.
"No," she whispered aloud. "He doesn't even feel like that about you, you silly girl. You have nothing to be scared of."
-----
He was at home for the next few days. Pansy was in the garden a lot, smoking or tidying up; she was getting quite brown now, and she'd grown to love the feeling of earth on her hands, of being able to look out on the garden each night and feel like she'd achieved something. Occasionally, he came and sat on the bench, but he seemed to have a lot of reading to do as he always did.
On the fourth day, he went back to work. Pansy spent the day on his bed reading, it was still comfier than hers was. He came home at four o'clock as usual.
"You look better," she remarked as she took the shopping off him.
"I feel better. Risotto for tea, is that all right? And would you mind putting away the groceries while I get showered?"
"Of course I will," said Pansy.
After tea, Pansy felt quietly happy, and realised that being with Remus made her feel safe in a way that she couldn't quite put her finger on. It wasn't keeping her safe from physical harm; although, she knew that he was perfectly capable of it. It was just something about the atmosphere, something quiet and calm, and the way he always seemed to be so unruffled. Then she remembered the time he had gripped her arms hard, stared her in the face and said that he didn't want to hurt her, and she licked her lip, looking down.
"Are you all right?"
She smiled. "I'm fine. I was just thinking..." Her smile became playful. "When I first came here, you said that you would reserve judgement on me. So, what do you think of me now?"
His mouth opened and closed once, then twice, like a fish out of water.
"I... Think that you are a very intelligent woman. You're funny, and you smoke too much. You are an excellent gardener and a terrible cook. I think that what you said that day haunts you more than you let on, and that you've grown up since saying it."
Pansy stared at him. "Well... And here was me thinking you didn't know me all that well."
Remus smiled. "So what do you think of me? Because I suppose your perception of me when you arrived was 'a werewolf who wears cardigans', and I sincerely hope that's changed."
Pansy laughed. "Nope, not really. Except now, I know that you also like cups of tea with half a teaspoonful of sugar, you are not as boring as I thought, you are a terrible gardener and an excellent cook, and seeing as you're only a werewolf three nights a month, I really don't think it's such a massive character flaw. Although, you did seem to be gone much, much longer than three days."
"Did you get lonely while I was gone?" He seemed sad.
"Yes, I did."
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Don't be ridiculous. It isn't your fault you had to leave."
Remus looked over at the clock on the mantelpiece, which had chimed twelve some time ago.
"It's late. We should go to bed."
"Do you have work tomorrow?" Pansy asked.
"Yes," sighed Remus.
-----
"Thought you were at work?" she asked Remus the next morning, as she filled the kettle. "Cuppa?"
"Took the day off," he said. "Yes, please."
"Good," she said. "You can make it, then. I'm going to the garden for a cigarette. I'll be in a right grump until I do."
As she walked out of the door, she heard him grumbling to himself.
Five minutes later, her transformation into a normal human being was almost complete.
"Sorry about that," she said smiling, as she came through the door.
"It's all right," said Remus stiffly.
"Oh, you're not really offended, are you? Look, I'll make every other cuppa today and tea tonight..."
She stopped when she saw his grin. "You, arsehole!" she shouted. He laughed, and handed her a cup of coffee.
She went and got dressed while her coffee was cooling and specifically picked out her shortest skirt, just to see what would happen, and as she sat at the kitchen table with her coffee and a copy of The Daily Prophet, she could feel his eyes on her. Or at least, she hoped she could. When she glanced over the top of the paper, she saw him glance away from her quickly.
It was all the confirmation she needed.
-----
"Goodnight, Remus," Pansy called, leaning around her door to watch Remus leave the bathroom and enter his bedroom.
He looked askance at her, but muttered, "Goodnight, Pansy," before closing his door behind him. Or was it left open, just a little?
She waited ten minutes, dressed in just the shirt of the pyjamas he had given her and a pair of lacy knickers, not for any real reason but just because she was nervous. Pureblood propriety had been deeply ingrained in her since childhood; although, that hadn't stopped her shagging Draco or Blaise Zabini, or several other men since them. She was also, despite her earlier assurance, fearful of being rejected. If this backfired, it could really fuck up things between them and drastically shorten the duration of her stay.
She took a deep breath, smoothed her shirt down over her breasts and stomach, and quietly left the room. She made as little noise as possible. His door was ajar; she pushed gently on the wood of the door and it swung open. Her eyes had adjusted to the dark and she could see he was lying in, or rather on, his bed. She smirked; he hadn't been lying when he said he didn't need the pyjamas. She admired for a moment the lean lines of his body, then padded over to his bed and perched on the edge, leaning over slightly so she could see his face.
He rolled and grabbed her wrist quicker than she could move.
"What the fuck are you doing?" he said. She'd never heard him swear before, but she tried to keep her composure.
"Shhh..." she said, using her other hand to stroke his collarbone, up the side of his neck, to rub her thumb along his jaw. He fixed his eyes on hers, and moved his face into her hand. She smiled.
He released her wrist and stroked up her arm, kissed her wrist where he had gripped it. "I didn't mean to hurt you then," he said. He moved his hand further up her arm, over her shoulder, threaded his fingers through her hair at the nape of her neck, and suddenly clenched his fist, hard. Pansy gasped. "No more talking," he whispered. His eyes glittered darkly.
Pansy found herself on her back faster than she could think. One of his hands moved upwards to pin her wrists to the bed above her head, and the other roamed freely over her body, but not under the t-shirt, not yet. What the fuck? Pansy thought. She hadn't foreseen things playing out this way, not in a million years. She smiled, and arched her back towards his hand. He stroked the outside of her underwear. Pansy could feel how wet she was getting.
He let go of her wrists long enough for her to take off her t-shirt. She thrust her breasts at him; he nuzzled them and bit them, none too gently. Fuck, she hoped she had bruises in the morning. He hadn't let her touch him, so far, but she was all right with that. There would be time. She had been afraid he would be awkward, or inexperienced (age, she had discovered, was no indication of sexual prowess), because aside from outright rejection that would be the one thing that would fuck them over most. She was pleased to be proven wrong.
He pinned her back down, and settled his pelvis between her thighs, which she gladly let fall open onto the bed, as wide as they would go; they kissed for the first time. The first kiss was gentle, a chaste, closed-mouthed peck, but then he was forcing his tongue between her lips and it became a deep, intense kiss. He bit her bottom lip again and again, and the pain was so sweet she could have cried.
He moved closer and she finally felt his hardness against the outside of her knickers. He rubbed against them, then reached down and moved her knickers to one side. She was already slick, but his finger slid up and down between her lips, dipping once into her. She thrust, but he had already moved his hand away, to be replaced a second later by his cock. He rubbed up and down against her, the most delicious tease, and then without warning slammed into her. She moaned loudly; she couldn't help herself, and she was rewarded with another deep, searching kiss. He filled her so completely, and she realised that he was probably the biggest she'd had. Maybe the others weren't so great, after all.
She stopped thinking altogether when he began to move. He didn't slide in and out, he didn't have sex with her, he fucked her until she trembled and all she could do was cling to him, grab hold of him, and try to leave her mark on him the same way he would leave marks on her. A hand reached between them and rubbed her clit and all of a sudden, it was almost too much, and she felt herself begin to come apart.
He stopped.
"No..." moaned Pansy. "Please..."
He pulled out and stood up. Pansy lay there, feeling utterly helpless. He swung her legs around so they dangled off the edge of the bed, ripped off her knickers, and then picked her up again. She wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. He moved over to the wall, slamming her back against it. The breath left her lungs. He entered her again, but this time he was gentler, and kissed his way along her neck as he slowly fucked her. She let her hands, free for the first time, comb through his hair. It was softer than she had thought it would be. Now that she'd had a chance to touch him, she could feel his skin was covered in smooth patches and bumps.
"What are these?" she whispered into his ear.
"Scars from transformations," he mumbled into her neck. "Stop talking. Touch yourself."
And really, she had no choice but to obey. Her fingers were hesitant at first, matching the slow rhythm of Remus's thrusts, but as he sped up, she matched him, and soon her arm was aching and there was such heat where their bodies met. She cried out as she came, and clenched around him as he continued to fuck her, and she could feel him shaking, his thrusts getting jerkier. He flung her back onto the bed and propped himself up over her and she wrapped her legs around his back still and she felt him shake, and tremble, and slow and stop, and the warm wetness already spilling out of her told her all she needed to know.
Remus rolled off her and lay back on the pillows. "Merlin," he said, closing his eyes.
Pansy started laughing. She couldn't help herself. She'd just had the best shag of her life off someone old enough to be her dad, who wore cardigans and worked for a joke shop. The whole situation was frankly ridiculous. She loved it.
"What's so funny?" Remus asked. He sounded genuinely concerned.
"Nothing," Pansy said, hopping out of bed and trying to find her shirt in the dark. She needed a cigarette. Her thighs ached.
He grabbed her wrist again. "Why did you do that? Did you want to, or did you feel like you had to pay me for staying here?"
"Don't be stupid," said Pansy. "I wanted to."
"Are you sure?" he asked. "You're always saying how you wish you could do more to repay me, and you've seen the way I look at you..."
"Have I?" asked Pansy.
"Haven't you?"
Pansy started laughing again. "Not really, just once," she said. "Just... I've always wondered what you'd be like. And... thank you. Merlin, that was amazing. I don't know about you, but... I never thought you'd be like that, especially not with me. I thought you'd be all noble. Ha!"
Remus relaxed back onto the bed. "Contrary to what you might think, I see you as a woman, not a child. And when a woman I am attracted to comes onto me, I won't usually say no."
"You don't even think it's a bit weird, cos of the age gap?" she asked, curious.
"Honestly? Maybe a little. I was your professor, and there are always people who are going to see something wrong with that. Now the war's over, though... Anyway, let's not get ahead of ourselves."
Pansy smiled and pulled her shirt on. "I'm going for a cigarette and a cuppa. You coming?"
"Yeah, just let me get my clothes on."
Pansy left the room before Remus conjured a light; she hated seeing the rumpled, sweaty bed and the flaccid cock of a lover just after a shag. She found it really diminished her happy feeling. She stopped by her room for some trousers before heading outside.
He met her again on the garden bench.
"Kettle's on," he said.
"This is a bit mental," said Pansy, grinning at him.
"Yeah... What are you supposed to say to someone you've just had insanely good sex with?"
"Err... Thanks?"
They started laughing again. Pansy finished her cigarette and chucked it into the watering can that served as an ashtray.
"Come on," she said. "How about that cuppa?"
She took his hand as they walked into the house.
-----
For the Love of Pansy (Round 1) Masterlist