(no subject)
Alright, late-night boredom and cold medicine have brought me back to LiveJournal for a random post. I was clicking around a few minutes ago reading everyone else's recent entries, including those I read on the sly, and I happened across my old journal from my freshman year up here. Things were so much different then. I know that not much has really changed in the grand scheme of things, but when enough little things are altered or disappear, the world becomes entirely different. The last entry in that journal was about how happy I was that I was going home, how happy I was that I was going to see James and "the kids", how glad I was that I'd been getting along better with my roomates. All of that is different now. There's almost nothing much to go home to anymore, I hardly talk to James anymore (let alone any of "the kids"), and my roomates turned out to be just as wretched as they had been from the beginning. As miserable as all that sounds, I'm happier now. It's nice knowing that things changed so much, and I made it. It's nice knowing that there wasn't really anything to be afraid of.
Fear. I was talking to Chris and my parents about my relationship with fear, and I realized something. Almost all the major decisions I've made have had something to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of loneliness, fear of rejection. That's shitty. I'm sick of making decisions because I'm afraid, because so often those decisions result in doing nothing. Definitely not anything I really want to be doing. The last thing my Grandmother said before she died was: "I never lived my life the way I had wanted to because I was always afraid." I don't want that to be the last thing I say before I die. This shit changes now.
In other, lighter news: things with Chris are great. I know I said I've said I've loved people before, and I'm sure that at the time I meant it (who knows, I'll maybe look back at this and think "I can't believe I thought I loved him"), but what I know right now is that the "new" me, the stronger, better, more adult me has found everything she had imagined in Mr. Blush.
Additionally, school's alright. I'm not sure how much more 19th Century French Realist fiction I can read before I try to strangle myself, but other than that it's going swimmingly. That doesn't mean I don't need a break though...god do I need a break. Only two more weeks though, I think. Speaking of which...when do y'all get to come home for Thanksgiving? I feel like I haven't seen any of you in ages (ahem...Anders...)
Fear. I was talking to Chris and my parents about my relationship with fear, and I realized something. Almost all the major decisions I've made have had something to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of loneliness, fear of rejection. That's shitty. I'm sick of making decisions because I'm afraid, because so often those decisions result in doing nothing. Definitely not anything I really want to be doing. The last thing my Grandmother said before she died was: "I never lived my life the way I had wanted to because I was always afraid." I don't want that to be the last thing I say before I die. This shit changes now.
In other, lighter news: things with Chris are great. I know I said I've said I've loved people before, and I'm sure that at the time I meant it (who knows, I'll maybe look back at this and think "I can't believe I thought I loved him"), but what I know right now is that the "new" me, the stronger, better, more adult me has found everything she had imagined in Mr. Blush.
Additionally, school's alright. I'm not sure how much more 19th Century French Realist fiction I can read before I try to strangle myself, but other than that it's going swimmingly. That doesn't mean I don't need a break though...god do I need a break. Only two more weeks though, I think. Speaking of which...when do y'all get to come home for Thanksgiving? I feel like I haven't seen any of you in ages (ahem...Anders...)