The Powers of Hydrocodone
I'm on some narcotics right now (due to a particularly drawn-out and painful wisdomtoothectomy) and I figure it's as good a time as any to update.
Of course, just after I typed that out, I became quite nauseous. This is the first time I've had any sort of Vicodin-induced sickness, which makes me lucky I guess, because I've been on it for a number of days now. Strange, though, that I was told to eat with it.. this is the first time I've eaten with it, and consequently, the first time I've been sick. Hmm.
All there really is to say about my life lately is that I finally feel real, honest-to-goodness peace in
my life. Like I'd be AT peace, as they say, if peace were a place. I'm not ashamed of who I am any longer, nor am I ashamed of saying what I think. The lack of shame doesn't mean that I'll display, though. The more confident I become in my thoughts, the less likely I am to share them. I no longer need the validation of a nodding head or a half-concerned "mm-hmm" to make me feel like I'm thinking something good. I find it hard to find anybody who really cares enough about the world to listen to my thoughts on it, anyhow. Everybody claims to care about the state of humanity, but I could count the people I've met who have truly convinced me of it on one hand.
Nausea's winning but I don't want to throw up. That's new. I'm starting to take pride in how nice I've been to my body lately in my method of losing weight.. and that is, that I don't have a method. I'm simply eating right and exercising. I'm especially happy, though, that I'm not employing any sort of self-destructive weight-loss routines. I didn't think I'd ever get to the point where a sensible solution would be satisfying. But I've gotten there and by God, I'm happy and healthy. I don't feel crazy any longer. It's a peaceful feeling.
I've been neglecting my writing an awful lot lately, but I think that maybe that's how it should be. There's no use in forcing it. I've sailed on that boat before and it only leads to the burdon of deleting/erasing everything later on. I'm working on two long pieces right now (I hate to call them novels because that sounds so presumptuous for a 17-year-old non-professional.. but for the sake of specifics, they are, in fact, novels). One is just fine and I like it very much, although I'm doubting my ability to write dialogue for a character living below the Mason-Dixon Line. Aside from that, though, it's coming out just wonderfully. Not much is written yet, but the premise and plot are complete. The other one that I'm working on, though, is Swiss cheese. It's quite a bit tougher than I'd originally thought it to be.. the ideas are so difficult to convey, and one character just won't develop for me.. and the whole thing just needs an insane amount of work. I hope that means that it will be incredible once it's been fixed up, though. Now that I've found my own personal peace.. there's nothing I want more than to be a good writer. I mean a true novelist. A novelist who writes LITERATURE, not just books. What a crazy fantasy for a 17-year-old.. but I refuse to believe that it's impossible, especially when I want it the way I do. I'll write until my fingers are bare bones, and then I'll write some more.
I've also found, to my relief, that I'm a much worse writer when I'm under the influence of.. well, anything (take now for example!). Some people employ all sorts of substances to enhance their art. While I do believe that consuming certain things can help to open up the mind (when used responsibly, and for the right intellectual and/or spiritual reasons.. not purely for fun, or for escaping one's problems), and can help to apply peaceful thoughts to the sober mind.. GodDAMN, I can't construct a sentence when I'm on anything. That's a good thing. It means I'll never let myself get addicted, because I never want to jeopardize my writing. Writing means more to me than any drug I could ever come into contact with. (But, luckily, I don't tamper with addictive drugs, anyhow. Unless, of course, you want to include the opiate that I'm on right now, that I have extremely limited access to and thus can't get addicted to anyhow, or if you include alcohol.. and, well, I don't drink a whole heck of a lot.)
OR if you want to count nicotine (this probably belongs in the last paragraph, but my stomach is turning too much to let me care). And of that I have to say, finally, that as bad as tobacco is, and as much care as I try to practice in preserving my body... Life's too short to not enjoy a cigarette every once in a long while. KEY WORD: LONG.
I should lay down now. If this entry isn't evidence of how strong painkillers can be, then I don't know what is.
Shelly Alminas --
[noun]:
A real life muppet
'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com