Thinking too hard...have to write it out.
Being in my first serious relationship is throwing me in and out of emotional balance in a way that is showing me my true mental strengths and weaknesses. It feels like slowly all my hang-ups are starting to unravel and rear their ugly heads. Partially, because, as Sean says, I let my guard down around him, and also because I feel very self-indulgent of late. While recently these issues have become a point of difficulty between us, I think that once I can recognize what drives my petulant behavior, I can try to correct it...especially for the person I love.
In the past day, I recently came to the startling conclusion that most of my stubbornness arises from the fact that I "hate being told what to do." I learned to react against anyone whom I thought was trying to push me into things against my will in high school, when I often felt pushed into activities by my parents and my brother. Now, I've become very adamant about being independent...often on the stupidest issues. Anytime I feel imposed upon my someone else, I react viciously by getting scarily quiet and maybe a bit emotionally manipulative. I think I have to be able to get rid of this stubborn reaction. I mean, it's important to think independently, but not to punish others for suggesting something.
Because of these weird reactions, I could tell that more and more half of me was struggling to drive Sean away. Like, I can't accept the fact that our relationship would be calm and balanced and that nothing was going wrong to become an obstacle. So I feel like I manifested my own emotional problems and personality incompatibilities so that I could create some drama. Jeez, I thought I was sane and rational, but a lack of ability to fully open up is causing me to do stupid things to good people.
He suggested that we have all the serious talks necessary to our well-being as a couple, but learn to bounce back from that into all sorts of fun...otherwise we'll be a dramatic couple. I see that pretty clearly now, and see that I need to work on that. Yet, I already feel some of my hang-ups going back under the surface, and my emotions relaxing, after we had a great romantic night together. I think we finally got back to the joyful point we were at before, and abandoned any difficulty or doubts we may have been having.
I really want this to work out, and if it's my stupidity that is the only problem, god...I'll never forgive myself.
In the past day, I recently came to the startling conclusion that most of my stubbornness arises from the fact that I "hate being told what to do." I learned to react against anyone whom I thought was trying to push me into things against my will in high school, when I often felt pushed into activities by my parents and my brother. Now, I've become very adamant about being independent...often on the stupidest issues. Anytime I feel imposed upon my someone else, I react viciously by getting scarily quiet and maybe a bit emotionally manipulative. I think I have to be able to get rid of this stubborn reaction. I mean, it's important to think independently, but not to punish others for suggesting something.
Because of these weird reactions, I could tell that more and more half of me was struggling to drive Sean away. Like, I can't accept the fact that our relationship would be calm and balanced and that nothing was going wrong to become an obstacle. So I feel like I manifested my own emotional problems and personality incompatibilities so that I could create some drama. Jeez, I thought I was sane and rational, but a lack of ability to fully open up is causing me to do stupid things to good people.
He suggested that we have all the serious talks necessary to our well-being as a couple, but learn to bounce back from that into all sorts of fun...otherwise we'll be a dramatic couple. I see that pretty clearly now, and see that I need to work on that. Yet, I already feel some of my hang-ups going back under the surface, and my emotions relaxing, after we had a great romantic night together. I think we finally got back to the joyful point we were at before, and abandoned any difficulty or doubts we may have been having.
I really want this to work out, and if it's my stupidity that is the only problem, god...I'll never forgive myself.