JUMP CRACK Talk Show [Ep.4]
Title: JUMP CRACK Talk Show [Ep.4]
Author: Do you remember my name? Guess it!
Genre: Crack/Comedy
Rating: Pg.
Words: Around 2000 x_x
Pairings: Various.
Summary: Episode 4. I forgot to introduce the new segment last episode but it's here!
A/N: My funny bone wasn't itching this time around so I'm assuming you guys will hate it. T_T But thanks for volunteering you guys! ^^ Love you!
Disclaimer: WHY IS IT 2K WORDS AGAIN? And I didn't read it through. x_x
Episodes: 1 2 3
~`
JUMP: Welcome to JUMP CRACK Talk-
Yabu: WAIT WAIT WAIT WHERE ARE MY POLES?
Yamada: Wha?
Yabu: I REMEMBER ORDERING POLES FOR THIS GODDAMN SHOW! LORD KNOWS WE NEED MORE SEX HERE!
Yamada: I thought you wanted to keep it PG.?
Yabu: TA HELL WITH PG WE NEED RATED XXXXX TIMES IN-FRICKIN-FINITY!
Hikaru: Anoo, Johnny won't let us install poles because he said it might get rated R on TV.
Yabu: ISN'T THAT WHAT WE'RE AIMING FOR?
Hikaru: We still have a lot of young fans. I mean look at what happened to Chinen and Ryutaro!
*Camera zooms in on Chinen and Ryutaro lip-locking ferociously.*
Yabu: =_=x Their fault they're so horny.
Yamada: HAI LET'S JUST GET BACK ON TRACK!
JUMP: Welcome to JUMP CRACK Talk Show!
*Fangirls cheer.*
*Opening music chorus of "Your Seed" plays but cuts off scratchily.*
Takaki: Is our sound equipment broken or something?
Yuto: I don't think so. I mean I was in the Sp.Fx (Special Effects) studio this morning and it was perfectly fine.
Yabu: Oh I forgot to announce our new special effects girl for the day, Amie! *Points to the Sp.Fx. studio.*
(It's on the right side of the studio but we can only see a window connecting the room and the studio.)
*Amie waves hi with melancholy eyes.*
Ryutaro: HOLY FREAK IT'S THE DEVIL WOMAN! (Refer to Episode 2)
Keito: That is not how you treat a lady! >=O *Smacks Ryutaro's head.*
Ryutaro: I'M TELLING YOU SHE'S POSESSED!
*Everybody looks at Amie while she makes a heart with her hands with a dull expression that looks exactly like =_=*
Ryutaro: SEE?
Daiki: I'm sure she's just nervous. ^^
Ryutaro: YOU SHUT THE HELL UP! WHY ARE YOU WEARING ORANGE STREET CONES ON YOUR FEET?
Daiki: FOR YOUR INFORMATION MORIMOTO-SAN, THESE ARE TO KEEP MY LEGS STRAIGHT. KEEPING YOUR LEGS STRAIGHT MAKES YOU GROW TALLER.
Ryutaro: No you just get arthritis and end up looking like Johnny-san. xP
Daiki: YOU SHUSH YOU... YOU... PALM TREE HEAD!
Chinen: Hai let's start our first segment! ^o^
Everyone else: =_="
JUMP: JUMPing with Fans! *Clap clap clap*
*Lights suddenly shut off and studio goes pitch black.*
Yabu: OI WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
Inoo: Turn the lights back on! The darkness is scaaawyyy!
Daiki: *Loud thud.* OW WHAT THE FUCK DID I TRIP OVER?
Takaki: *Another loud thud.* OW WHO THE FUCK DID ITRIP OVER?
Daiki: WHO THE FUCK'S ON TOP OF ME?
Takaki: WHO THE FUCK AM I ON TOP OF?
Yamada: GET AWAY FROM MY TAKAKI YOU MIDGIT WHORE! *THUD* AGHH I TRIPPED OVER SOMETHING!
Daiki: WHOEVER'S ON TOP OF ME GET OFF YOU DAMN PIG!
Yamada: WHO'S THE DAMN PIG WITH THE CONES ON HIS FEET HUH?
*Suddenly, an audio recording sounds.*
Chinen: Ahh... Ohno you fucking sexy beast. Slap me. Slap me harder! Yes!
Ohno: Naughty little kouhai. You need more punishment. *Slap Slap*
Chinen: Yes I'm bad, I'm filthy, I'm a whore. Punish me!
Ohno: Shall I take out the candle wax?
Chinen: Yes! Drip it all over my dirty body! Ahh!!! ...
*Lights flash on and Chinen is hiding behind the couch. Yamada is sprawled on top of Daiki who is sprawled on top of Takaki who is sprawled on the floor.*
Everyone in the studio: O_O
Yabu: Oi, you three, stop playing human Jenga.
Takaki: *Wheezing* Can't *wheeze* support *wheeze* you *wheeze* fatasses. x_x
Keito: *Peeking over the couch.* Ch-chii? A-are you okay buddy?
Chinen: *Rocking back and forth, quivering.* No. It's over. No. It's over. No. It's over.
Ryutaro: O_O CHINEN COME OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!
Chinen: *Slowly crawls out from behind the couch and sits on the couch stiffly.*
Ryutaro: Yuri... Yuri baby... WHAT WAS THAT?
Chinen: I MEANT TO TELL YOU I REALLY DID! IT'S JUST THAT I WAS OHNO'S SEX SLAVE BEFORE I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU. BUT... BUT... I REGRET EVERYTHING I DID WITH OHNO I REALLY DO! I NEVER WANTED TO REMEMBER THOSE THINGS AGAIN! *Stars sobbing.*
Ryutaro: D8< IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! *Points dramatically at Amie who is still like =_=* YOU TRIGGERED MY CHINEN'S NEGATIVE MEMORIES AGAIN!
Chinen: But Ryutaro? *Looks up at Ryutaro with a puppy dog face.*
Ryutaro: Yes my love? *Looks down at Chinen worriedly.*
Chinen: *Plants a small kiss on Ryutaro's cheek.* I love you. You're my one, my only, my love. My... one love. (Try to guess what I'm referring to. ;])
Ryutaro: I... I love you too. *Kisses Chii back on the lips.*
*Fangirls go EEEEEEEE KAWAII!!!*
Ryutaro: *Looks at Amie with teary eyes.* Thanks for pushing us closer than ever.
Amie: =_= v <-- Peace sign teehee.
Yabu: Nuff of this mushy stuff! You two! Backstage! NOW!
Chinen and Ryutaro: *Skips off backstage holding hands.*
Yabu: ... Okay let's skip all this hamster Hello Kitty shit and go straight into our segment.
JUMP: JUMPing with Fans! *Clap Clap Clap*
*Chorus to "Dreams Come True" plays successfully as fangirls cheer enthusiastically.*
Yabu: Since we're introducing a new segment FREALS this time, we will only be choosing one volunteer for today. Our lovely cone-legged Daiki will choose them for us.
Daiki: Ano ne, Yabu-kun?
Yabu: Hmm?
Daiki: Can you go die in the bushes later? ^^
Yabu: Haha I'm afraid not you little asshole. ^^
Daiki: =_=x
Yabu: Volunteers?
*A billion hands shoot up.*
Daiki: Mmm hai, you over there!
*A girl bounces to the mic.*
Girl: Hai Kiru de~su!
*Suddenly the Super Mario theme music plays.*
Yabu: AMIE!
Amie: =_= *Arms in an X*
Yabu: ...
Amie: =u=
Daiki: Aww how energetic. ^^ Now what's your question?
Kiru: Anoo, who can eat the most strawberries in 2 minutes?
*7 points to Yamada while BEST points to Daiki.*
Yamada: HAA? I'M THE FUCKING STRAWBERRY FAIRY YOU EGGHEAD!
Daiki: MY ASS! I'M THE PRINCE OF APPETITE YOU LITTLE MONKEYBUTT!
Yamada: WANNA BET YOU LITTLE QUEER?
Chinen: GET READY TO RUMBLE CUZ IT'S TIME TO DU-DU-DU-D-D-D-D-DUEL!!!
Keito: ... This isn't Yu-Gi-Oh. =_=
Chinen: Oh... then get NakaKen out here we need materials.
Yabu: *Sighh.* Why must we have these stupid competitions every time someone argues. =_=
*NakaKen wheels in two tables with giant boxes of strawberries in them and sets them in front of Daiki and Yamada*
Yabu: Takaki and Inoo will be the counters for Yamada and Daiki.
*Takaki and Inoo sit by Yamada and Daiki.*
Yabu: On your marks! Get set!
*Yamada and Daiki scoop a handful of strawberries.*
Yabu: GO!
*Yamada stuffs 5 strawberries in his mouth at once while Daiki eats one at a time slowly.*
Yamada: *With stuffed mouth.* Ju'll nibah wen agenchst mehh!!! (Translation: You'll never win against me!!!)
Daiki: What an ugly pig. >=]
Yamada: FAHHH!!! (Translation: GAHHH!!!)
Daiki: FAHHH YOURSELF! >O
*Yamada and Daiki continue gobbling up strawberries for 2 minutes.*
Takaki: *@Yamada* To C'mon my little piggy! You've only eaten 22!
Inoo: *@Daiki* PUSH YOURSELF O-CHIBI-SAN! 34 STRAWBERRIES ISN'T ENOUGH!
Yamada: *Cough* Mou... *Cough Cough* Too... sweet. x_x *Collapses on the ground with a bloated stomach.*
Daiki: YOSHH! *Stands up triumphantly with fists in the air.* OW! OW OW OW! *Also collapses on the ground with a bloated stomach.*
Takaki and Inoo: Damn pigs. *Drags Yamada and Daiki backstage.*
Yabu: *Sigh.* While those two wallow in their pain and self pity in a strawberry induced coma, it's time for our new segment!
*"Hare Hare Yukai" music plays.* <-- YouTube link if you don't know the song.
Chinen: OMFG HARUHI A;LSKJFD;LAKSJCAS;MCOIAJELA;SJD;FLAJSLDFASDFA SHE IS EFFIN' GOD!
Yuto: First we have a strawberry eating battle, now we discover Chinen's an otaku? WHAT'S NEXT?
*Chinen suddenly has yellow ribbons in his hair like Haruhi.*
Yuto: =_= Wtf.
Yabu: AS I WAS SAYING, our new segment will be...
*Yamada, Takaki, Inoo, and Daiki rush back onto the stage to introduce the new segment.*
JUMP: Hey! Skit! JUMP!
*Fangirls cheering and squealing.*
Hikaru: *In English* Nice recovery! =D
Keito: Hikaru, no. The way you say it, it sounds like, "Nice red cupboard tea."
Hikaru: ANYWAY, ALLOW ME EXPLAIN THIS SEGMENT!
Keito: Douche. >_>
Hikaru: Before the show started, we had some fans write down their names. Those fans will request a skit be done and as idols, we MUST do them, no matter how crazy or lame. We've thrown those name into this here hat. *Pulls out a silk hat.* Chii?
Chinen: Hai! *Ruffles hand in the hat.* Ja jaan! *Pulls out a piece of paper and reads.* Kiara!
*Kiara hops down from the crowd and stands in front of the mic.*
Kiara: Kiara desu! Eeto, could Takaki and Yamada perform a skit? And with a chuu? Arigatou-gozaimasu!
Ryutaro: With a chuu? What the heck does that mean?
Chinen: That's why you need to go back to school my dear Ryutaro!
Ryutaro: NEVER! FIRST THEY ACCUSE ME OF STEALING THE CLASS HAMSTER. AND THEN THEY ACCUSE ME OF FCKING IT! HOW THE HECK DO YOU HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH A HAMSTER?
Inoo: Let it crawl around on your dick. ._.
Ryutaro: HOW THE HECK WOULD YOU KNOW THAT? O_o
Inoo: Do you really wanna know? Cuz that'd answer your question as to why I go frolicking in the woods with nothing but a dildo.
Daiki: I'm surprised you don't hide doggy treats under your bed to lure your dogs in for a late-night orgy.
Inoo: How do you know I don't? ;)
Whole Studio: 0_0
Daiki: EWW!
Chinen: Please can we get back onto the skit?
Inoo and Daiki: Yes sir. >_>
*Takaki and Yamada stand in the center of the stage in front of JUMP and the audience.*
Yabu: Hai aaand ACTION!
*Amie shuts off all the lights except for a single spotlight on the two.*
*Takaki looks down into Yamada's shimmering eyes while he does the same.*
Takaki: The light from this moon depicts your eyes shining with hope and aspiration, my darling Ryosuke.
Yamada: From down here, the darkness envelopes your face in the blanket called night. But your soft alluring eyes glow ever so brightly.
Takaki: But alas, I must depart, for my heart has been caged up in another one's hands. *Steps away from Yamada.*
Yamada: *Catches Takaki's hand before he leaves the spotlight.* But, may I have one last parting gift, as a momento of our affection?
Takaki: Of course, my sweet dumpling.
*Takaki and Yamada's lips glisten in the light before touching delicately.*
Fangirls: KYAAAHHH!!! KAWAIII!!! SUTEKIII!!! *Half the girls faint.*
*Suddenly the spotlight dims and the whole studio is pitch black.*
Amie: *Over the speakers in a monotonous voice.* Gomennasai... okay not really.
*The lights come back on to reveal Takaki and Yamada already topless and lip-locking furiously.*
Yabu: OI! AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE YOU TWO TO CONTINUE, LET'S KEEP IT PG!
*Takayama put their shirts back on and sit down unaware of their messy hair.*
Keito: Anoo hai! Next?
Chinen: *Pulls out another name from the hat.* Saida!
*Saida skips down.*
Saida: Saida desuu! Yamada-kun... can I do a skit with you?
Yamada: Of course my-
Saida: But... I want to play with you. ;)
Yamada: Of course my sweetheart. ;) *Flashes a quick sly smile at Takaki.*
*Yamada pulls up a chair in front of the couches and sits on it. He pats his lap and Saida sits down on Yamada.*
Keito: *In a perfect British accent.* And action!
*Amie shuts off all the lights except for the spotlight.*
Yamada: Ahh, the warmth on your bottom sends exhilirating chills through my body.
Saida: That's not all my bottom can do. *Crosses her legs.* ;)
Yamada: Such a captivating woman shouldn't be so quick to succumb to a man's desires you know.
Saida: Is there some law to it? Last time I checked, I was free to mingle with the man of my dreams. *Wraps arms around Yamada and leans into his body.*
Yamada: Shall we make those dreams come true milady? *Lips move closer and closer to Saida.*
Fangirls: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! HHHAAAWWWTTT!!!
Takaki: CUT CUT CUT!
*The lights flash on and Saida bounces away to her seat.*
Takaki: HELL NO I WILL NOT ALLOW THAT! >=[
Yamada: Aww but it was just getting fun. *Winks at Saida in the audeience* ;)
Saida along with tons of Yamada fans: KYAAAHHH!!!
Takaki: I'M SORRY BUT NO. NEXT SKIT!
Yuto: Jealous asshole. >_>
Keito: I know right? ^^
Hikaru: Oi oi don't get comfortable over there! D<
Yabu: Next skit?
Chii: *Pulls out another piece of paper.* Angeline!
*Angeline hops down to the mic.*
Angeline: Angeline desu~! Anoo, may I participate in a skit with Takaki?
Takaki: *Devilish smile.* Of course my dear! ^^
Angeline: HOWEVER... I want a body shot with Takaki.
Takaki: Exactly what I was thinking. ;)
Yamada: EHHH??? NOOO!!!
Hikaru: Oi remember the rules Yamada. As idols we MUST NOT decline a skit.
Yamada: SCREW THE RULES! I PISS ON THE RULES! I'LL FCKING SHIT ON THEM LIGHT THEM ON FIRE!
Hikaru: YOU WANT ME TO SHIT ON YOUR HAIR AND LIGHT THAT ON FIRE?
Yamada: TRY ME TO YOU DAMN CLOWN!
Keito: Anoo, can you two please calm down? ;A;
Hikaru and Yamada: SHUT IT YOU OVERSEAS BASTARD! D<
Keito: Gomen. ;n; *Kicked puppy face.* <--(MY POOR KEITO!)
*Takaki and Angeline sit on the floor with ice cream cones in their hands courtesey of NakaKen.*
Yabu: Takaki and Angeline skit ACTION!
*Lights shut off again and spotlight on Angeline and Takaki.*
Takaki: It's pretty hot in the summer ne?
Angeline: Un! But we have ice cream so it's okay!
Takaki: *Ice cream "accidentally" falls off the cone and down Takaki's shirt.* Ah crap! My ice cream fell! *Slips off shirt.* Aww man it's all over my chest!
Angeline: Want me to wipe it off for you?
Takaki: *Pulls Angeline closer by the neck.* I want you wipe it off... with your tongue.
Angeline: Yes master. *Starts licking the melting ice cream off Takaki's chest, moving lower and lower near Takaki's belly button.*
Takaki: That's it, clean me off nice and thoroughly.
Angeline: *Sucks on the ice cream around Takaki's belly button.*
Takaki fangirls: KYAAAHHH!!! MY TAKAKI!!!
Yamada: A;LSDJFA;ASLJF;ALSKDLSK STOP!!!
*Lights flash on and Yamada's standing on the couch red as a baboon's ass.*
Takaki: What's wrong Yama-chan?
Yamada: YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHAT'S WRONG! COME WITH ME YOU SEXY JERK! *Storms off backstage.* TAKE THE GODDAMN ICE CREAM WITH YOU!
Takaki: Sumimasen! ^o^ *Snatches the ice cream cone from Angeline and runs off.*
*Angeline waddles back to her seat licking her lips. =w=*
Hikaru: Saa guess they're going to be busy for a while. I think we have time for one last skit!
Chii: Hai! *Pulls out a piece of paper.* Shae!
*Shae bounces down in front of the mic.*
Shae: Shae desu! Anoo, instead of Takayama, may I suggest Hikaru and Keito do a romantic skit?
Francie in the audience: I LOVE YOU SHAE! *Bows down like a crazy woman.*
Hikaru: *Giddy and hyper.* Of course Shae! ^^
Keito: Oh no I smell something brewing.
Inoo: Oh sorry I think I farted.
Yabu: Hikato skit FOR THE FIRST TIME action!
*Hikaru and Keito stand facing each other as the lights shut off with the spotlight on.*
Hikaru: *Hands on Keito's shoulders.* You know, I never noticed how adorable you are from far away.
Keito: *Blushing* Hai, nobody ever notices a secluded foreigner standing in the shadows.
Hikaru: But the shadows could be the best thing in the world. They conceal what should be hidden momentarily.
Keito: Then I shall stay in the shadows forever.
Hikaru: However, shadows don't last forever. *Pulls Keito closer.* I want to be the "light" in your world and eliminate these shadows that bind us.
Keito: *Looks at Hikaru with hopeful eyes.* Hikaru...
Hikaru: *Looks into Keito's eyes passionately.* Keito...
*The two lunge themselves forward at each other and embrace in a tranquil hug. Lips brushing each other softly as the mere touch of each other sweeps through their bodies like a gust of wind on a warm Autumn day.* <-- (Sorry that kinda flowed out of me... AND I'M BIAS xP)
Francie and Hikato fans: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! A;LSKDJFLAKSJDCLAMWIOECAJ;ELKFJA;SDFJALKSAOIE xDDDDDDDD
Yuto: >_> Tch, I can do better.
Hikaru: WHAT YOU SAY NAKAJIMA YU-BITCH?
*Lights flash on and Hikaru advances toward Yuto like a Yakuza member.*
Yuto: I SAID I CAN DO BETTER THAN YOU, SON OF A MUTHAH-FCKIN' CLOWNFISH! *Gets up while throwing his hands in the air.*
Hikaru: I AM MUCH CUTER THAN NEMO YOU WHALE! *Head right against Yuto's.*
Yuto: HELL YOU AIN'T LIKE NEMO. FOR ALL WE KNOW YOU'RE AS RETARDED AS DORY! <--(Naw I love Dory. ♥)
Hikaru: WANNA GET IT ON YOU TAP DANCING LITTLE PANSY?
Yuto: *Kicks Hikaru in the shin.*
Hikaru: AGH I'M YOUR ALMIGHTY SEMPAI YOU LITTLE-
Yuto: *Kicks Hikaru's shin again.*
Hikaru: AGHH! *Pushes Yuto to the floor.*
Yuto and Hikaru: *Wrestling and biting each other like it's a catfight.*
Keito: Uwahh I love being loved. >w< *Sitting on the couch like a little girl watching the two have their battle of love.*
Yabu: *Sighh.* At least the show didn't end up in a MAJOR disaster.
*Suddenly a disco ball drops down from the ceiling, the lights turn into a warm red, and Mariah Carey's Touch My Body plays.*
*Takayama start smexing on the table while Chiitaro are cuddling with each other behind the couch.*
Yabu: AMIE YOU'RE FIRED! >O
Amie: =w= I've done my job.
~`
AS YOU CAN SEE, I didn't get to put everyone in there. It reached the 2000 word mark and I didn't want to extend it anymore.
But I promise those who didn't appear will be in the next episode. I PROMISE! ♥
If you weren't satisfied with your role, I'm terribly sorry!
THERE WILL BE NO GUEST REQUESTING THIS EPISODE DUE TO THE OTHER PPL I STILL HAVE TO PUT IN THE NEXT EPISODE.
Arigatou~ ^^
EDIT: I FORGOT TO ADD THIS
VEGGIES ARE EBIL!
Author: Do you remember my name? Guess it!
Genre: Crack/Comedy
Rating: Pg.
Words: Around 2000 x_x
Pairings: Various.
Summary: Episode 4. I forgot to introduce the new segment last episode but it's here!
A/N: My funny bone wasn't itching this time around so I'm assuming you guys will hate it. T_T But thanks for volunteering you guys! ^^ Love you!
Disclaimer: WHY IS IT 2K WORDS AGAIN? And I didn't read it through. x_x
Episodes: 1 2 3
~`
JUMP: Welcome to JUMP CRACK Talk-
Yabu: WAIT WAIT WAIT WHERE ARE MY POLES?
Yamada: Wha?
Yabu: I REMEMBER ORDERING POLES FOR THIS GODDAMN SHOW! LORD KNOWS WE NEED MORE SEX HERE!
Yamada: I thought you wanted to keep it PG.?
Yabu: TA HELL WITH PG WE NEED RATED XXXXX TIMES IN-FRICKIN-FINITY!
Hikaru: Anoo, Johnny won't let us install poles because he said it might get rated R on TV.
Yabu: ISN'T THAT WHAT WE'RE AIMING FOR?
Hikaru: We still have a lot of young fans. I mean look at what happened to Chinen and Ryutaro!
*Camera zooms in on Chinen and Ryutaro lip-locking ferociously.*
Yabu: =_=x Their fault they're so horny.
Yamada: HAI LET'S JUST GET BACK ON TRACK!
JUMP: Welcome to JUMP CRACK Talk Show!
*Fangirls cheer.*
*Opening music chorus of "Your Seed" plays but cuts off scratchily.*
Takaki: Is our sound equipment broken or something?
Yuto: I don't think so. I mean I was in the Sp.Fx (Special Effects) studio this morning and it was perfectly fine.
Yabu: Oh I forgot to announce our new special effects girl for the day, Amie! *Points to the Sp.Fx. studio.*
(It's on the right side of the studio but we can only see a window connecting the room and the studio.)
*Amie waves hi with melancholy eyes.*
Ryutaro: HOLY FREAK IT'S THE DEVIL WOMAN! (Refer to Episode 2)
Keito: That is not how you treat a lady! >=O *Smacks Ryutaro's head.*
Ryutaro: I'M TELLING YOU SHE'S POSESSED!
*Everybody looks at Amie while she makes a heart with her hands with a dull expression that looks exactly like =_=*
Ryutaro: SEE?
Daiki: I'm sure she's just nervous. ^^
Ryutaro: YOU SHUT THE HELL UP! WHY ARE YOU WEARING ORANGE STREET CONES ON YOUR FEET?
Daiki: FOR YOUR INFORMATION MORIMOTO-SAN, THESE ARE TO KEEP MY LEGS STRAIGHT. KEEPING YOUR LEGS STRAIGHT MAKES YOU GROW TALLER.
Ryutaro: No you just get arthritis and end up looking like Johnny-san. xP
Daiki: YOU SHUSH YOU... YOU... PALM TREE HEAD!
Chinen: Hai let's start our first segment! ^o^
Everyone else: =_="
JUMP: JUMPing with Fans! *Clap clap clap*
*Lights suddenly shut off and studio goes pitch black.*
Yabu: OI WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
Inoo: Turn the lights back on! The darkness is scaaawyyy!
Daiki: *Loud thud.* OW WHAT THE FUCK DID I TRIP OVER?
Takaki: *Another loud thud.* OW WHO THE FUCK DID ITRIP OVER?
Daiki: WHO THE FUCK'S ON TOP OF ME?
Takaki: WHO THE FUCK AM I ON TOP OF?
Yamada: GET AWAY FROM MY TAKAKI YOU MIDGIT WHORE! *THUD* AGHH I TRIPPED OVER SOMETHING!
Daiki: WHOEVER'S ON TOP OF ME GET OFF YOU DAMN PIG!
Yamada: WHO'S THE DAMN PIG WITH THE CONES ON HIS FEET HUH?
*Suddenly, an audio recording sounds.*
Chinen: Ahh... Ohno you fucking sexy beast. Slap me. Slap me harder! Yes!
Ohno: Naughty little kouhai. You need more punishment. *Slap Slap*
Chinen: Yes I'm bad, I'm filthy, I'm a whore. Punish me!
Ohno: Shall I take out the candle wax?
Chinen: Yes! Drip it all over my dirty body! Ahh!!! ...
*Lights flash on and Chinen is hiding behind the couch. Yamada is sprawled on top of Daiki who is sprawled on top of Takaki who is sprawled on the floor.*
Everyone in the studio: O_O
Yabu: Oi, you three, stop playing human Jenga.
Takaki: *Wheezing* Can't *wheeze* support *wheeze* you *wheeze* fatasses. x_x
Keito: *Peeking over the couch.* Ch-chii? A-are you okay buddy?
Chinen: *Rocking back and forth, quivering.* No. It's over. No. It's over. No. It's over.
Ryutaro: O_O CHINEN COME OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!
Chinen: *Slowly crawls out from behind the couch and sits on the couch stiffly.*
Ryutaro: Yuri... Yuri baby... WHAT WAS THAT?
Chinen: I MEANT TO TELL YOU I REALLY DID! IT'S JUST THAT I WAS OHNO'S SEX SLAVE BEFORE I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU. BUT... BUT... I REGRET EVERYTHING I DID WITH OHNO I REALLY DO! I NEVER WANTED TO REMEMBER THOSE THINGS AGAIN! *Stars sobbing.*
Ryutaro: D8< IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! *Points dramatically at Amie who is still like =_=* YOU TRIGGERED MY CHINEN'S NEGATIVE MEMORIES AGAIN!
Chinen: But Ryutaro? *Looks up at Ryutaro with a puppy dog face.*
Ryutaro: Yes my love? *Looks down at Chinen worriedly.*
Chinen: *Plants a small kiss on Ryutaro's cheek.* I love you. You're my one, my only, my love. My... one love. (Try to guess what I'm referring to. ;])
Ryutaro: I... I love you too. *Kisses Chii back on the lips.*
*Fangirls go EEEEEEEE KAWAII!!!*
Ryutaro: *Looks at Amie with teary eyes.* Thanks for pushing us closer than ever.
Amie: =_= v <-- Peace sign teehee.
Yabu: Nuff of this mushy stuff! You two! Backstage! NOW!
Chinen and Ryutaro: *Skips off backstage holding hands.*
Yabu: ... Okay let's skip all this hamster Hello Kitty shit and go straight into our segment.
JUMP: JUMPing with Fans! *Clap Clap Clap*
*Chorus to "Dreams Come True" plays successfully as fangirls cheer enthusiastically.*
Yabu: Since we're introducing a new segment FREALS this time, we will only be choosing one volunteer for today. Our lovely cone-legged Daiki will choose them for us.
Daiki: Ano ne, Yabu-kun?
Yabu: Hmm?
Daiki: Can you go die in the bushes later? ^^
Yabu: Haha I'm afraid not you little asshole. ^^
Daiki: =_=x
Yabu: Volunteers?
*A billion hands shoot up.*
Daiki: Mmm hai, you over there!
*A girl bounces to the mic.*
Girl: Hai Kiru de~su!
*Suddenly the Super Mario theme music plays.*
Yabu: AMIE!
Amie: =_= *Arms in an X*
Yabu: ...
Amie: =u=
Daiki: Aww how energetic. ^^ Now what's your question?
Kiru: Anoo, who can eat the most strawberries in 2 minutes?
*7 points to Yamada while BEST points to Daiki.*
Yamada: HAA? I'M THE FUCKING STRAWBERRY FAIRY YOU EGGHEAD!
Daiki: MY ASS! I'M THE PRINCE OF APPETITE YOU LITTLE MONKEYBUTT!
Yamada: WANNA BET YOU LITTLE QUEER?
Chinen: GET READY TO RUMBLE CUZ IT'S TIME TO DU-DU-DU-D-D-D-D-DUEL!!!
Keito: ... This isn't Yu-Gi-Oh. =_=
Chinen: Oh... then get NakaKen out here we need materials.
Yabu: *Sighh.* Why must we have these stupid competitions every time someone argues. =_=
*NakaKen wheels in two tables with giant boxes of strawberries in them and sets them in front of Daiki and Yamada*
Yabu: Takaki and Inoo will be the counters for Yamada and Daiki.
*Takaki and Inoo sit by Yamada and Daiki.*
Yabu: On your marks! Get set!
*Yamada and Daiki scoop a handful of strawberries.*
Yabu: GO!
*Yamada stuffs 5 strawberries in his mouth at once while Daiki eats one at a time slowly.*
Yamada: *With stuffed mouth.* Ju'll nibah wen agenchst mehh!!! (Translation: You'll never win against me!!!)
Daiki: What an ugly pig. >=]
Yamada: FAHHH!!! (Translation: GAHHH!!!)
Daiki: FAHHH YOURSELF! >O
*Yamada and Daiki continue gobbling up strawberries for 2 minutes.*
Takaki: *@Yamada* To C'mon my little piggy! You've only eaten 22!
Inoo: *@Daiki* PUSH YOURSELF O-CHIBI-SAN! 34 STRAWBERRIES ISN'T ENOUGH!
Yamada: *Cough* Mou... *Cough Cough* Too... sweet. x_x *Collapses on the ground with a bloated stomach.*
Daiki: YOSHH! *Stands up triumphantly with fists in the air.* OW! OW OW OW! *Also collapses on the ground with a bloated stomach.*
Takaki and Inoo: Damn pigs. *Drags Yamada and Daiki backstage.*
Yabu: *Sigh.* While those two wallow in their pain and self pity in a strawberry induced coma, it's time for our new segment!
*"Hare Hare Yukai" music plays.* <-- YouTube link if you don't know the song.
Chinen: OMFG HARUHI A;LSKJFD;LAKSJCAS;MCOIAJELA;SJD;FLAJSLDFASDFA SHE IS EFFIN' GOD!
Yuto: First we have a strawberry eating battle, now we discover Chinen's an otaku? WHAT'S NEXT?
*Chinen suddenly has yellow ribbons in his hair like Haruhi.*
Yuto: =_= Wtf.
Yabu: AS I WAS SAYING, our new segment will be...
*Yamada, Takaki, Inoo, and Daiki rush back onto the stage to introduce the new segment.*
JUMP: Hey! Skit! JUMP!
*Fangirls cheering and squealing.*
Hikaru: *In English* Nice recovery! =D
Keito: Hikaru, no. The way you say it, it sounds like, "Nice red cupboard tea."
Hikaru: ANYWAY, ALLOW ME EXPLAIN THIS SEGMENT!
Keito: Douche. >_>
Hikaru: Before the show started, we had some fans write down their names. Those fans will request a skit be done and as idols, we MUST do them, no matter how crazy or lame. We've thrown those name into this here hat. *Pulls out a silk hat.* Chii?
Chinen: Hai! *Ruffles hand in the hat.* Ja jaan! *Pulls out a piece of paper and reads.* Kiara!
*Kiara hops down from the crowd and stands in front of the mic.*
Kiara: Kiara desu! Eeto, could Takaki and Yamada perform a skit? And with a chuu? Arigatou-gozaimasu!
Ryutaro: With a chuu? What the heck does that mean?
Chinen: That's why you need to go back to school my dear Ryutaro!
Ryutaro: NEVER! FIRST THEY ACCUSE ME OF STEALING THE CLASS HAMSTER. AND THEN THEY ACCUSE ME OF FCKING IT! HOW THE HECK DO YOU HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH A HAMSTER?
Inoo: Let it crawl around on your dick. ._.
Ryutaro: HOW THE HECK WOULD YOU KNOW THAT? O_o
Inoo: Do you really wanna know? Cuz that'd answer your question as to why I go frolicking in the woods with nothing but a dildo.
Daiki: I'm surprised you don't hide doggy treats under your bed to lure your dogs in for a late-night orgy.
Inoo: How do you know I don't? ;)
Whole Studio: 0_0
Daiki: EWW!
Chinen: Please can we get back onto the skit?
Inoo and Daiki: Yes sir. >_>
*Takaki and Yamada stand in the center of the stage in front of JUMP and the audience.*
Yabu: Hai aaand ACTION!
*Amie shuts off all the lights except for a single spotlight on the two.*
*Takaki looks down into Yamada's shimmering eyes while he does the same.*
Takaki: The light from this moon depicts your eyes shining with hope and aspiration, my darling Ryosuke.
Yamada: From down here, the darkness envelopes your face in the blanket called night. But your soft alluring eyes glow ever so brightly.
Takaki: But alas, I must depart, for my heart has been caged up in another one's hands. *Steps away from Yamada.*
Yamada: *Catches Takaki's hand before he leaves the spotlight.* But, may I have one last parting gift, as a momento of our affection?
Takaki: Of course, my sweet dumpling.
*Takaki and Yamada's lips glisten in the light before touching delicately.*
Fangirls: KYAAAHHH!!! KAWAIII!!! SUTEKIII!!! *Half the girls faint.*
*Suddenly the spotlight dims and the whole studio is pitch black.*
Amie: *Over the speakers in a monotonous voice.* Gomennasai... okay not really.
*The lights come back on to reveal Takaki and Yamada already topless and lip-locking furiously.*
Yabu: OI! AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE YOU TWO TO CONTINUE, LET'S KEEP IT PG!
*Takayama put their shirts back on and sit down unaware of their messy hair.*
Keito: Anoo hai! Next?
Chinen: *Pulls out another name from the hat.* Saida!
*Saida skips down.*
Saida: Saida desuu! Yamada-kun... can I do a skit with you?
Yamada: Of course my-
Saida: But... I want to play with you. ;)
Yamada: Of course my sweetheart. ;) *Flashes a quick sly smile at Takaki.*
*Yamada pulls up a chair in front of the couches and sits on it. He pats his lap and Saida sits down on Yamada.*
Keito: *In a perfect British accent.* And action!
*Amie shuts off all the lights except for the spotlight.*
Yamada: Ahh, the warmth on your bottom sends exhilirating chills through my body.
Saida: That's not all my bottom can do. *Crosses her legs.* ;)
Yamada: Such a captivating woman shouldn't be so quick to succumb to a man's desires you know.
Saida: Is there some law to it? Last time I checked, I was free to mingle with the man of my dreams. *Wraps arms around Yamada and leans into his body.*
Yamada: Shall we make those dreams come true milady? *Lips move closer and closer to Saida.*
Fangirls: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! HHHAAAWWWTTT!!!
Takaki: CUT CUT CUT!
*The lights flash on and Saida bounces away to her seat.*
Takaki: HELL NO I WILL NOT ALLOW THAT! >=[
Yamada: Aww but it was just getting fun. *Winks at Saida in the audeience* ;)
Saida along with tons of Yamada fans: KYAAAHHH!!!
Takaki: I'M SORRY BUT NO. NEXT SKIT!
Yuto: Jealous asshole. >_>
Keito: I know right? ^^
Hikaru: Oi oi don't get comfortable over there! D<
Yabu: Next skit?
Chii: *Pulls out another piece of paper.* Angeline!
*Angeline hops down to the mic.*
Angeline: Angeline desu~! Anoo, may I participate in a skit with Takaki?
Takaki: *Devilish smile.* Of course my dear! ^^
Angeline: HOWEVER... I want a body shot with Takaki.
Takaki: Exactly what I was thinking. ;)
Yamada: EHHH??? NOOO!!!
Hikaru: Oi remember the rules Yamada. As idols we MUST NOT decline a skit.
Yamada: SCREW THE RULES! I PISS ON THE RULES! I'LL FCKING SHIT ON THEM LIGHT THEM ON FIRE!
Hikaru: YOU WANT ME TO SHIT ON YOUR HAIR AND LIGHT THAT ON FIRE?
Yamada: TRY ME TO YOU DAMN CLOWN!
Keito: Anoo, can you two please calm down? ;A;
Hikaru and Yamada: SHUT IT YOU OVERSEAS BASTARD! D<
Keito: Gomen. ;n; *Kicked puppy face.* <--(MY POOR KEITO!)
*Takaki and Angeline sit on the floor with ice cream cones in their hands courtesey of NakaKen.*
Yabu: Takaki and Angeline skit ACTION!
*Lights shut off again and spotlight on Angeline and Takaki.*
Takaki: It's pretty hot in the summer ne?
Angeline: Un! But we have ice cream so it's okay!
Takaki: *Ice cream "accidentally" falls off the cone and down Takaki's shirt.* Ah crap! My ice cream fell! *Slips off shirt.* Aww man it's all over my chest!
Angeline: Want me to wipe it off for you?
Takaki: *Pulls Angeline closer by the neck.* I want you wipe it off... with your tongue.
Angeline: Yes master. *Starts licking the melting ice cream off Takaki's chest, moving lower and lower near Takaki's belly button.*
Takaki: That's it, clean me off nice and thoroughly.
Angeline: *Sucks on the ice cream around Takaki's belly button.*
Takaki fangirls: KYAAAHHH!!! MY TAKAKI!!!
Yamada: A;LSDJFA;ASLJF;ALSKDLSK STOP!!!
*Lights flash on and Yamada's standing on the couch red as a baboon's ass.*
Takaki: What's wrong Yama-chan?
Yamada: YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHAT'S WRONG! COME WITH ME YOU SEXY JERK! *Storms off backstage.* TAKE THE GODDAMN ICE CREAM WITH YOU!
Takaki: Sumimasen! ^o^ *Snatches the ice cream cone from Angeline and runs off.*
*Angeline waddles back to her seat licking her lips. =w=*
Hikaru: Saa guess they're going to be busy for a while. I think we have time for one last skit!
Chii: Hai! *Pulls out a piece of paper.* Shae!
*Shae bounces down in front of the mic.*
Shae: Shae desu! Anoo, instead of Takayama, may I suggest Hikaru and Keito do a romantic skit?
Francie in the audience: I LOVE YOU SHAE! *Bows down like a crazy woman.*
Hikaru: *Giddy and hyper.* Of course Shae! ^^
Keito: Oh no I smell something brewing.
Inoo: Oh sorry I think I farted.
Yabu: Hikato skit FOR THE FIRST TIME action!
*Hikaru and Keito stand facing each other as the lights shut off with the spotlight on.*
Hikaru: *Hands on Keito's shoulders.* You know, I never noticed how adorable you are from far away.
Keito: *Blushing* Hai, nobody ever notices a secluded foreigner standing in the shadows.
Hikaru: But the shadows could be the best thing in the world. They conceal what should be hidden momentarily.
Keito: Then I shall stay in the shadows forever.
Hikaru: However, shadows don't last forever. *Pulls Keito closer.* I want to be the "light" in your world and eliminate these shadows that bind us.
Keito: *Looks at Hikaru with hopeful eyes.* Hikaru...
Hikaru: *Looks into Keito's eyes passionately.* Keito...
*The two lunge themselves forward at each other and embrace in a tranquil hug. Lips brushing each other softly as the mere touch of each other sweeps through their bodies like a gust of wind on a warm Autumn day.* <-- (Sorry that kinda flowed out of me... AND I'M BIAS xP)
Francie and Hikato fans: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! A;LSKDJFLAKSJDCLAMWIOECAJ;ELKFJA;SDFJALKSAOIE xDDDDDDDD
Yuto: >_> Tch, I can do better.
Hikaru: WHAT YOU SAY NAKAJIMA YU-BITCH?
*Lights flash on and Hikaru advances toward Yuto like a Yakuza member.*
Yuto: I SAID I CAN DO BETTER THAN YOU, SON OF A MUTHAH-FCKIN' CLOWNFISH! *Gets up while throwing his hands in the air.*
Hikaru: I AM MUCH CUTER THAN NEMO YOU WHALE! *Head right against Yuto's.*
Yuto: HELL YOU AIN'T LIKE NEMO. FOR ALL WE KNOW YOU'RE AS RETARDED AS DORY! <--(Naw I love Dory. ♥)
Hikaru: WANNA GET IT ON YOU TAP DANCING LITTLE PANSY?
Yuto: *Kicks Hikaru in the shin.*
Hikaru: AGH I'M YOUR ALMIGHTY SEMPAI YOU LITTLE-
Yuto: *Kicks Hikaru's shin again.*
Hikaru: AGHH! *Pushes Yuto to the floor.*
Yuto and Hikaru: *Wrestling and biting each other like it's a catfight.*
Keito: Uwahh I love being loved. >w< *Sitting on the couch like a little girl watching the two have their battle of love.*
Yabu: *Sighh.* At least the show didn't end up in a MAJOR disaster.
*Suddenly a disco ball drops down from the ceiling, the lights turn into a warm red, and Mariah Carey's Touch My Body plays.*
*Takayama start smexing on the table while Chiitaro are cuddling with each other behind the couch.*
Yabu: AMIE YOU'RE FIRED! >O
Amie: =w= I've done my job.
~`
AS YOU CAN SEE, I didn't get to put everyone in there. It reached the 2000 word mark and I didn't want to extend it anymore.
But I promise those who didn't appear will be in the next episode. I PROMISE! ♥
If you weren't satisfied with your role, I'm terribly sorry!
THERE WILL BE NO GUEST REQUESTING THIS EPISODE DUE TO THE OTHER PPL I STILL HAVE TO PUT IN THE NEXT EPISODE.
Arigatou~ ^^
EDIT: I FORGOT TO ADD THIS
VEGGIES ARE EBIL!