(no subject)
so he didn't come...surprise surprise! he calls my mom this morning and says he's still coming...so i thought maybe he actually would? but that was just me falling for it again. i hate falling for his lies more than the fact that i don't see him. that feeling of vulnerability that i'm left with while simultaneously feeling idiotic for believing him even if i only gave in to it for half of a day. i even talked to him for about 5 minutes earlier in the day, and he confirmed that he was coming out to illinois to go to this dinner thing, and that he was going to come see me, might i add that mary had been added to the plan by this time also as i said would be the case. so since i talked to him the day of, i figured maybe he was being sincere. but then he called around 4 and said that he was running terribly late, and if he came to see me before his dinner, that he would be late for his plans. he then added that he was staying at my grandma's house tonight, which means he could have been out late, since he wasn't leaving to go back to michigan tonight. so before he got off the phone, he said that he was for sure going to come see me after his dinner, even if it was only for a few minutes. so i believed that, i mean i was thinking why would he bother lying about something like that, or why would he take the time to say it if he didn't mean it. but yeah...the hours passed...and it's 10 now...and he's not coming. and that really just makes me angry cause i've been in a very good mood all weekend, which truly is a rare occurrence, and he just had to taint my perfectly okay weekend. he could have at least called and said he wasn't going to make it. instead he just shrugs it off by not calling. and i hate that, too. the fact that he has the power to completely dismiss me with a phone. some things just aren't fair. and i wish i could do something about it, even say something to him about it, but if i did he would immediately use it to start a huge fight to use as an excuse to not get me my car. and i need that car right now, i really do. it was my birthday present, it's been a long time since may 15th last rolled around. and well i haven't seen that birthday present yet. well the last thing that made me mad about the whole situation was the fact that when i talked to him earlier in the day, after asking things such as whats up and what have you been up to lately, he asked me what i wanted, and i was like huh, and he was like what do you want, don't you need anything, and i was like no, and he was like what do you mean no, and i didn't know what else to say, but i don't need anything from him but that damn car. he thinks that everything's about money when it comes to him, he's just so vain in that sense. well he needs to realize one day soon, very soon, that i don't want his money, besides the fact of the car, i just want his attention. even if he only calls once a week i'd be happy. but i just can't take what he does. something will happen and i'll call him countless times for days, and so will my mom, and he never calls back. i could have been dead so many times and he wouldn't of known. i hate thinking about that. all i want is a simple weekly acknowledgement...it could last 5 seconds for all i care, just as long as he called when he said he would, even if it was just to say that he was too busy to talk. just the fact that he cared would be nice. enough of my pity party. other than my whole sorry excuse for a dad situation, i'm extremely happy with right now. >jesse