What I did instead of working today
After reading through my flist, I have decided that there are only three ways for fandom to cope with last night's "character development" for Sylar:
1. Killing Tim Kring.
2. Crack (literal).
3. Crack (metaphorical).
After some analysis, I've determined that the least harmful of these three choices is probably the final one. (I am, however, open to hearing arguments to the contrary.) And so, I present to you my outline for a vitally important fic that I would like to write! It is titled...
The Incredible Sparkly Adventures of Lord Gabriel “Sylar” Gray Petrelli, His Beautiful, Intelligent and Beloved Soulmate Elle, And Their Children Gabriel Jr., Gabrielle and Mary-Sue
I've already decided that after the scene where SyGabriel and Elle are redeemed and renewed through the ~*~ Power of Empathy ~*~, a pink-and-purple flying unicorn will burst through the wall and rescue them from Papa Petrelli's evil clutches. I think the unicorn's name will be Zephyr Audrianna Ophelia Anneliese. Isn't that pretty? (By the way, the unicorn's body is actually white. Her mane and fetlocks are pink and purple, respectively.) (Oh, and did I mention that the unicorn is sparkly, too?)
After they're saved, Gabriel will use the ~*~ Power of Empathy ~*~ to put a stop to all the evil plans that are going on, and shut down the Company. Then Gabriel will ask Elle to marry him. She'll wear her late mother's wedding dress and Gabriel will have their wedding bands engraved with lines from a poem about their hearts beating as one, that he wrote himself.
Their first kids will be twins and will be named Gabriel Jr. and Gabrielle. There will be some stress in their marriage because Gabriel will be so busy using the ~*~ Power of Empathy ~*~ to help people and stop wars and natural disasters, that he won't spend as much time with the babies as Elle thinks he should. But after Elle tearfully tells him how much she loves him and misses him, he'll realize what a mistake he's made, and he'll kiss his beautiful babies and make sweet, sweet love to her. And nine months later she'll give birth to a little girl who they will name Maribella Suphronelia - Mary-Sue for short - which is a name Elle has secretly loved ever since she made it up as a little girl. And Mary-Sue will look just like Elle.
Actually, they'll have other kids too, who will be named after various relatives: Angelique and Nathaniel and Arthurina and Clarence and Petrella. And Gabriel will become so beloved for all his hard work helping humanity that one day, the US and Russia will lead a delegation asking him to become King of the World. And he'll refuse at first, but they'll persist, so eventually he'll accept, and Elle will be crowned Queen of the World along with him, and everyone will talk about how beautiful and wonderful she is and how jealous they are of King Gabriel for having such a perfect wife. And all the kids will have the ~*~ Power of Empathy ~*~, just like Gabriel, except for sweet little Mary-Sue, who only has electric hands and feels bad about it.
They'll have lots of visits from relatives, of course. Uncle Peter will stop by to visit a lot, because he never got married or had kids himself. He'll teach Mary-Sue that it doesn't matter that she isn't as powerful as all her siblings - she's still beautiful and wonderful and everybody loves her. And Mary-Sue will realize that because he was able to understand that, he still has the ~*~ Power of Empathy ~*~ hidden deep down inside him, and her love will help him regenerate his ability.
And one day Peter will break down and tell Elle that he never got married because he never stopped loving Caitlyn. So Gabriel will change the timelines back to the second dystopian future so that he can find Caitlyn, and then change them back once again after he rescues her, and Peter and Caitlyn will get married and have triplets that they name Clarissa, Clarinda and Clarielle.
Then Noah Bennet, who brought SyGabriel and Elle together, will die in his sleep of old age. And Gabriel and Elle will be very sad, and Elle will tearfully talk about how old and wrinkled she's getting and how she's got grey hairs appearing amidst her perfect golden hair. But Gabriel will kiss her and tell her he loves her more with every passing day, and he'll make sweet, sweet love to her, and nine months later she'll give birth to another set of twins, named Noah and Noelle.
But suddenly, it will turn out that one of the Elder Heroes escaped when Gabriel was neutralizing the Company! And he'll be out for revenge, and will come to kill Elle! But then at the last second, Zephyr Audrianna Ophelia Anneliese will sacrifice herself in order to save Elle. And after the Elder Hero has been safely locked away, Gabriel and Elle and all their children will come to mourn Zephyr Audrianna Ophelia Anneliese. But it will turn out that Baby Noah has the power of resurrection! And he'll heal Zephyr Audrianna Ophelia Anneliese's wounds. And they'll all live happily ever after!
(I think it's probably best to just keep it all PG-13, but I am toying with the idea of adding a scene where SyGabriel goes to visit Mohinder, and Mohinder wants to beat him up again, but then Gabriel shows Mohinder that he ~*~understands~*~ the pain that Mohinder felt after he killed Mohinder's father. And then Mohinder forgives him for everything. And then there's a XXX-rated foursome scene involving Gabriel, Elle, Mohinder, and Mohinder's scales. There will be some confusion over just who is the father of Gabriel Jr and Gabrielle, but after a paternity test eliminates Mohinder's scales as the father and Gabriel realizes he would love Elle and her beautiful intelligent children no matter who sired them, everything will be happy again.)
All I'm saying is, if you're going to let 14-year-old fanfic writers write Sylar's storyline, then you should just fucking go full-out balls-to-the-wall with it, Kring.
Any additional plot suggestions for The Incredible Sparkly Adventures are welcomed!
1. Killing Tim Kring.
2. Crack (literal).
3. Crack (metaphorical).
After some analysis, I've determined that the least harmful of these three choices is probably the final one. (I am, however, open to hearing arguments to the contrary.) And so, I present to you my outline for a vitally important fic that I would like to write! It is titled...
The Incredible Sparkly Adventures of Lord Gabriel “Sylar” Gray Petrelli, His Beautiful, Intelligent and Beloved Soulmate Elle, And Their Children Gabriel Jr., Gabrielle and Mary-Sue
I've already decided that after the scene where SyGabriel and Elle are redeemed and renewed through the ~*~ Power of Empathy ~*~, a pink-and-purple flying unicorn will burst through the wall and rescue them from Papa Petrelli's evil clutches. I think the unicorn's name will be Zephyr Audrianna Ophelia Anneliese. Isn't that pretty? (By the way, the unicorn's body is actually white. Her mane and fetlocks are pink and purple, respectively.) (Oh, and did I mention that the unicorn is sparkly, too?)
After they're saved, Gabriel will use the ~*~ Power of Empathy ~*~ to put a stop to all the evil plans that are going on, and shut down the Company. Then Gabriel will ask Elle to marry him. She'll wear her late mother's wedding dress and Gabriel will have their wedding bands engraved with lines from a poem about their hearts beating as one, that he wrote himself.
Their first kids will be twins and will be named Gabriel Jr. and Gabrielle. There will be some stress in their marriage because Gabriel will be so busy using the ~*~ Power of Empathy ~*~ to help people and stop wars and natural disasters, that he won't spend as much time with the babies as Elle thinks he should. But after Elle tearfully tells him how much she loves him and misses him, he'll realize what a mistake he's made, and he'll kiss his beautiful babies and make sweet, sweet love to her. And nine months later she'll give birth to a little girl who they will name Maribella Suphronelia - Mary-Sue for short - which is a name Elle has secretly loved ever since she made it up as a little girl. And Mary-Sue will look just like Elle.
Actually, they'll have other kids too, who will be named after various relatives: Angelique and Nathaniel and Arthurina and Clarence and Petrella. And Gabriel will become so beloved for all his hard work helping humanity that one day, the US and Russia will lead a delegation asking him to become King of the World. And he'll refuse at first, but they'll persist, so eventually he'll accept, and Elle will be crowned Queen of the World along with him, and everyone will talk about how beautiful and wonderful she is and how jealous they are of King Gabriel for having such a perfect wife. And all the kids will have the ~*~ Power of Empathy ~*~, just like Gabriel, except for sweet little Mary-Sue, who only has electric hands and feels bad about it.
They'll have lots of visits from relatives, of course. Uncle Peter will stop by to visit a lot, because he never got married or had kids himself. He'll teach Mary-Sue that it doesn't matter that she isn't as powerful as all her siblings - she's still beautiful and wonderful and everybody loves her. And Mary-Sue will realize that because he was able to understand that, he still has the ~*~ Power of Empathy ~*~ hidden deep down inside him, and her love will help him regenerate his ability.
And one day Peter will break down and tell Elle that he never got married because he never stopped loving Caitlyn. So Gabriel will change the timelines back to the second dystopian future so that he can find Caitlyn, and then change them back once again after he rescues her, and Peter and Caitlyn will get married and have triplets that they name Clarissa, Clarinda and Clarielle.
Then Noah Bennet, who brought SyGabriel and Elle together, will die in his sleep of old age. And Gabriel and Elle will be very sad, and Elle will tearfully talk about how old and wrinkled she's getting and how she's got grey hairs appearing amidst her perfect golden hair. But Gabriel will kiss her and tell her he loves her more with every passing day, and he'll make sweet, sweet love to her, and nine months later she'll give birth to another set of twins, named Noah and Noelle.
But suddenly, it will turn out that one of the Elder Heroes escaped when Gabriel was neutralizing the Company! And he'll be out for revenge, and will come to kill Elle! But then at the last second, Zephyr Audrianna Ophelia Anneliese will sacrifice herself in order to save Elle. And after the Elder Hero has been safely locked away, Gabriel and Elle and all their children will come to mourn Zephyr Audrianna Ophelia Anneliese. But it will turn out that Baby Noah has the power of resurrection! And he'll heal Zephyr Audrianna Ophelia Anneliese's wounds. And they'll all live happily ever after!
(I think it's probably best to just keep it all PG-13, but I am toying with the idea of adding a scene where SyGabriel goes to visit Mohinder, and Mohinder wants to beat him up again, but then Gabriel shows Mohinder that he ~*~understands~*~ the pain that Mohinder felt after he killed Mohinder's father. And then Mohinder forgives him for everything. And then there's a XXX-rated foursome scene involving Gabriel, Elle, Mohinder, and Mohinder's scales. There will be some confusion over just who is the father of Gabriel Jr and Gabrielle, but after a paternity test eliminates Mohinder's scales as the father and Gabriel realizes he would love Elle and her beautiful intelligent children no matter who sired them, everything will be happy again.)
All I'm saying is, if you're going to let 14-year-old fanfic writers write Sylar's storyline, then you should just fucking go full-out balls-to-the-wall with it, Kring.
Any additional plot suggestions for The Incredible Sparkly Adventures are welcomed!