Finish it right.
I wrote this letter this morning before going to sleep. Only posting it here temporarily until I get home from my trip.
This might be somewhat edited from the original:
(Page 1)
Dear, Krizel,
This is a letter to you that I am writing to myself. In other words, these words that I write with pen and paper are what I'd like to say to you to help myself come to an ease about how things ended between us. Whether I will send these words to you or not is undecided at the moment.
What has bothered me since the demise of our relationship in August still haunts me. I understood why we couldn't be friends or more so why you chose not to be my friend. There was a lot of pain... a lot of blame... so much thrown away ad so much that could not be let go of so easily at first or at all. In spite of everything that lead us to breaking up (me letting you go), we went our seperate ways but while you were sure you didn't want me in your life again, I to this day continue to suffer from not being able to salvage the most important part of what we had. Yes, the friendship. For me, it was the only way I knew I could try to make things better for the both of us. It is the part of my entity that has salvaged us in the past. I never felt that my actions made you feel that part of me betrayed you more than me being a lover to you did. I'm sorry.
(Page 2)
Why is it so important for me to do this? Maybe it's just my nature to protect what I feel is most important. You were more to me than a lover, Kriz. This all began with us being friends and when we went out you were my closest. Because you told me things you had not shared with anyone, I know you felt the same way about me. To me, it just does not make sense how that means nothing to you. I thought to myself, "Maybe I value friendship more than she does?" But if that were true, why would I waste my time with this letter? Maybe I am wrong about you and you really don't care that much? Maybe there is a fault in me being a friend that you see and I don't that keeps you away from me?
I don't wish to go back to how it all came to this because us blaming each other won't get us anywhere especially since I'm not interested in speaking on a relationship that is now in the past. Our past as lovers has little to do with this and is not a concern anymore.
What I want is to stop suffering. Alone, the only thing I could do was blame you from what was wrong with myself and as you can see there is still something wrong with me. Friends would tell me that if I gave you -(Page3)- time, you would come back but I knew you wouldn't. I felt you wouldn't so strongly... I was so convinced that I believed in it and did something I never thought I'd do... I cried. I cried after writing a poem about this total loss of mine.
Many nights I had dreams of you. They occured mosty after I had seen you on RO. These dreams all said the same thing. They were of us coming to positive terms and being happy as friends. It was so hard for me to take this as a sign to try again talking with you so we could be friends again, but I guess I was too scared after our last encounters. It took a lot of courage in me that I didn't think I had in me to talk to you and E-mail you. I couldn't take you shooting me down again when I was already suffering. Back then, I tried approaching you because I wanted to still care for you but now, I know you're doing well without me as your friend and that's good. But now that the dust has settled I am really doing this for myself... for the most part. You didn't believe that I cared for you then but I still do and still don't believe you didn't care for me those times you pushed me away. That is also what has kept me wanting to make something good out of this.
(Page 4)
If I was convinced you truly did not care for me, I could have moved on, thinking you are not the good-hearted friend you still are. It is nearly inconceivable for me to believe that you don't care about any part of me even after the things that I did. You said you forgave me and I'm not asking for you to forget my actions as I will not forget yours either. Does the thought of what happened still bring pain to your scars? After all this time, I need to know the truth about you. I know you said you would not give me anything but I need to know, Kriz... I've needed to know for so long since you hold the answer to this. Do you still care? If not, I need to know why you don't and I want to understand why. If you could give that to me, I can let go of everything - and you won't need to worry about me caring for you. I won't have a reason to bother you anymore. Unless I can get answers... this is my last resort.
With sympathy,
(signed)
Marzell T. Ford
This might be somewhat edited from the original:
(Page 1)
Dear, Krizel,
This is a letter to you that I am writing to myself. In other words, these words that I write with pen and paper are what I'd like to say to you to help myself come to an ease about how things ended between us. Whether I will send these words to you or not is undecided at the moment.
What has bothered me since the demise of our relationship in August still haunts me. I understood why we couldn't be friends or more so why you chose not to be my friend. There was a lot of pain... a lot of blame... so much thrown away ad so much that could not be let go of so easily at first or at all. In spite of everything that lead us to breaking up (me letting you go), we went our seperate ways but while you were sure you didn't want me in your life again, I to this day continue to suffer from not being able to salvage the most important part of what we had. Yes, the friendship. For me, it was the only way I knew I could try to make things better for the both of us. It is the part of my entity that has salvaged us in the past. I never felt that my actions made you feel that part of me betrayed you more than me being a lover to you did. I'm sorry.
(Page 2)
Why is it so important for me to do this? Maybe it's just my nature to protect what I feel is most important. You were more to me than a lover, Kriz. This all began with us being friends and when we went out you were my closest. Because you told me things you had not shared with anyone, I know you felt the same way about me. To me, it just does not make sense how that means nothing to you. I thought to myself, "Maybe I value friendship more than she does?" But if that were true, why would I waste my time with this letter? Maybe I am wrong about you and you really don't care that much? Maybe there is a fault in me being a friend that you see and I don't that keeps you away from me?
I don't wish to go back to how it all came to this because us blaming each other won't get us anywhere especially since I'm not interested in speaking on a relationship that is now in the past. Our past as lovers has little to do with this and is not a concern anymore.
What I want is to stop suffering. Alone, the only thing I could do was blame you from what was wrong with myself and as you can see there is still something wrong with me. Friends would tell me that if I gave you -(Page3)- time, you would come back but I knew you wouldn't. I felt you wouldn't so strongly... I was so convinced that I believed in it and did something I never thought I'd do... I cried. I cried after writing a poem about this total loss of mine.
Many nights I had dreams of you. They occured mosty after I had seen you on RO. These dreams all said the same thing. They were of us coming to positive terms and being happy as friends. It was so hard for me to take this as a sign to try again talking with you so we could be friends again, but I guess I was too scared after our last encounters. It took a lot of courage in me that I didn't think I had in me to talk to you and E-mail you. I couldn't take you shooting me down again when I was already suffering. Back then, I tried approaching you because I wanted to still care for you but now, I know you're doing well without me as your friend and that's good. But now that the dust has settled I am really doing this for myself... for the most part. You didn't believe that I cared for you then but I still do and still don't believe you didn't care for me those times you pushed me away. That is also what has kept me wanting to make something good out of this.
(Page 4)
If I was convinced you truly did not care for me, I could have moved on, thinking you are not the good-hearted friend you still are. It is nearly inconceivable for me to believe that you don't care about any part of me even after the things that I did. You said you forgave me and I'm not asking for you to forget my actions as I will not forget yours either. Does the thought of what happened still bring pain to your scars? After all this time, I need to know the truth about you. I know you said you would not give me anything but I need to know, Kriz... I've needed to know for so long since you hold the answer to this. Do you still care? If not, I need to know why you don't and I want to understand why. If you could give that to me, I can let go of everything - and you won't need to worry about me caring for you. I won't have a reason to bother you anymore. Unless I can get answers... this is my last resort.
With sympathy,
(signed)
Marzell T. Ford