Tired...
How long can one survive on nothing? How long does ones will to live stand strong, when that very will is all that keeps a person alive. How long till the weight of frustration, disappointment and failure crush the motivation to continue to deal with it. Personally, I dont know...but I think Im in the process of finding out.
I had a conversation a near two weeks ago, in which I evaluated every reason I have to live at this point in time. Interestingly enough, I was only able to muster ONE thing: To keep the commitment I made to Levi to take the pictures at his and Annas wedding. That was it. I had others involved in the conversation try to tell me of other reasons, friends, family, or just the very fact that "tomorrow is a new day", but in all reality those are all nice, but irrelevant reasons. I value my friends more than anything else, but their lives would continue on with or without me. Even now, I find friends that I have slipping into obscurity and I predict that soon, VERY soon, I will have no one to stand by me should I fall. I have continued to love my family, although I doubt their love toward me. They are stuck in a mentality that their love to me need only be as deep as what others can see on the surface. Tomorrow - tomorrow is a day that I have been hearing about for some time, but never seems to show up, as each new day is just like today.
Im tired of feeling like I dont fit in. Im tired of befriending people who betray that friendship. Im tired of not having the means to take care of the problems that keep arising, likewise, Im tired of not being able to enjoy the simple pleasures of life because of a lack of means. Im tired of fighting to make things better only to see others ruin that progress. Im tired of not being accepted. Im tired of having my dreams crushed. Im tired of losing. Im tired of failing, and feeling like a failure.
Im nearly tired of fighting.
Nearly...
I had a conversation a near two weeks ago, in which I evaluated every reason I have to live at this point in time. Interestingly enough, I was only able to muster ONE thing: To keep the commitment I made to Levi to take the pictures at his and Annas wedding. That was it. I had others involved in the conversation try to tell me of other reasons, friends, family, or just the very fact that "tomorrow is a new day", but in all reality those are all nice, but irrelevant reasons. I value my friends more than anything else, but their lives would continue on with or without me. Even now, I find friends that I have slipping into obscurity and I predict that soon, VERY soon, I will have no one to stand by me should I fall. I have continued to love my family, although I doubt their love toward me. They are stuck in a mentality that their love to me need only be as deep as what others can see on the surface. Tomorrow - tomorrow is a day that I have been hearing about for some time, but never seems to show up, as each new day is just like today.
Im tired of feeling like I dont fit in. Im tired of befriending people who betray that friendship. Im tired of not having the means to take care of the problems that keep arising, likewise, Im tired of not being able to enjoy the simple pleasures of life because of a lack of means. Im tired of fighting to make things better only to see others ruin that progress. Im tired of not being accepted. Im tired of having my dreams crushed. Im tired of losing. Im tired of failing, and feeling like a failure.
Im nearly tired of fighting.
Nearly...