Enigmatically Gray
Right now I'm not happy and I'm not sad. I'm not really anything at the moment, just this sort of numb sensation. There are so many things I don't want to think about right now. I can't tell if my body is mounting some sort of defense against the deepening anxiety, but I can't really focus on those subjects that make me feel so twisted inside. I guess that is sort of lucky. Things around the house aren't exactly calm at the moment. We have our fun and I believe that is genuine, but in the background there is always the nagging reminder of our current woes. I'm going to go the other way on this one for once and actually hope something good happens instead of assuming it won't. Call me crazy, if you must.
I was taking medication for depression for a while, but I have since stopped doing so. A bad decision I realize, but given two factors I felt I needed to attempt it at least. The first is that while I'm not depressed I'm also not happy. I'm just sort of passingly aloof, which doesn't make me really feel any better. I realize there are many problems in my life I need to face and I have fairly well screwed myself over in my attempt to do so, like my own personal saboteur. The second reason is the price, while not tremendously expensive I'm not in a position to afford to refill them. I still have some left, and I have weened myself from them instead of dropping cold turkey and running the risk of further screwing myself up.
Even though I'm actively job hunting I haven't gotten any callbacks yet. This poses a problem not just for me, but for others that depend on my income to maintain house and home. I'm nervous about this constantly and I think that has made me defensive about the subject. What I mean to say is that it makes me feel bad when the subject comes up. I guess because I'm really trying, but I don't know if anyone around me believes me when I say that. I worry people are secretly pissed at me and are harboring some unspoken feelings on the subject which will only sour them to me in time. I don't know, perhaps I worry too much, but I really only have my friends left in the world and if that was taken away then I'd have nothing. I'm getting into territory that I don't want to explore right now, it's too real a possibility in my mind to voice my concerns and have to puzzle out the outcome.
I've been on again off again religious for most of my life. The majority of that faith has been placed in Christianity since a young age, but I've had my doubts several times. I can't really say where I fall anymore, around the mark that believes in the possibilities of beings greater than ourselves I guess. Situations like this make me wonder, make me ponder whether or not we have our own destinies in our hands or if random chance dictates the actions of the world. I can't say that I've always tried my best, no one has always tried their hardest and if they have you are speaking to a lair or a saint. If I haven't always tried my hardest I can't say that my destiny hasn't been in my hands this whole time and I've just been shaping it poorly. Though I do remember several times in my life trying very hard only to fall short of the bar, giving the opinion at those times that no matter what I did nothing was going to make that endeavor work out. You can see the conundrum I find myself in. Do I make myself fail? Is my failure part of God's plan? Is it truly in the hands of blind luck and random chance? These are questions I cannot answer.
I was taking medication for depression for a while, but I have since stopped doing so. A bad decision I realize, but given two factors I felt I needed to attempt it at least. The first is that while I'm not depressed I'm also not happy. I'm just sort of passingly aloof, which doesn't make me really feel any better. I realize there are many problems in my life I need to face and I have fairly well screwed myself over in my attempt to do so, like my own personal saboteur. The second reason is the price, while not tremendously expensive I'm not in a position to afford to refill them. I still have some left, and I have weened myself from them instead of dropping cold turkey and running the risk of further screwing myself up.
Even though I'm actively job hunting I haven't gotten any callbacks yet. This poses a problem not just for me, but for others that depend on my income to maintain house and home. I'm nervous about this constantly and I think that has made me defensive about the subject. What I mean to say is that it makes me feel bad when the subject comes up. I guess because I'm really trying, but I don't know if anyone around me believes me when I say that. I worry people are secretly pissed at me and are harboring some unspoken feelings on the subject which will only sour them to me in time. I don't know, perhaps I worry too much, but I really only have my friends left in the world and if that was taken away then I'd have nothing. I'm getting into territory that I don't want to explore right now, it's too real a possibility in my mind to voice my concerns and have to puzzle out the outcome.
I've been on again off again religious for most of my life. The majority of that faith has been placed in Christianity since a young age, but I've had my doubts several times. I can't really say where I fall anymore, around the mark that believes in the possibilities of beings greater than ourselves I guess. Situations like this make me wonder, make me ponder whether or not we have our own destinies in our hands or if random chance dictates the actions of the world. I can't say that I've always tried my best, no one has always tried their hardest and if they have you are speaking to a lair or a saint. If I haven't always tried my hardest I can't say that my destiny hasn't been in my hands this whole time and I've just been shaping it poorly. Though I do remember several times in my life trying very hard only to fall short of the bar, giving the opinion at those times that no matter what I did nothing was going to make that endeavor work out. You can see the conundrum I find myself in. Do I make myself fail? Is my failure part of God's plan? Is it truly in the hands of blind luck and random chance? These are questions I cannot answer.