Until we fall.
I lack in my life love. I don't have it and it tears at me daily. I find I fall so hard so often, face down in the mud, because I have no one there to catch me and no reason to care to stand. All of my jealousy and rage, all of my stupid hang-ups and moods come directly from my frustration with me solitary life. I know I have friends, but it's not the same. Not to mention that my eventual breakdown will just drive them from me anyhow. I know people try to help by giving me encouraging words, but words seem to pass right through me these days. Not to mention that around the house things are a little rough with so many people far from the places they would like to be. Also I've given up trying to figure out if someone is mad at me or mad at something else, I can't keep track and it's easier to just assume that most people would be better off without me around them anyway.
There isn't a lot of anything hopeful written above because the world has sought to steal hope from me. A man without hope is not a man, he is nothing, a husk waiting to rot away. If I had a say in it I would pull back my emotions and soothe them away. My nerves are bare lately and I feel constantly ashamed that I can't find a fucking job. They say God never gives you more than you can handle, but clearly God doesn't know me if he thinks I'm going to make it out the other side better than before. This is no life lesson or learning experience, this is me slowly losing my grip on things and situations getting out of control. I'm worthless, this I know, but I was hoping that I could at least be productive enough have a bed to sleep in and enough money to keep my weak existence going. Sadly the world comes at you like a mad man with a knife, there is no reasoning with it and there is only a brief moment to attempt to defend yourself before it's over.
I'm sorry to everyone that ever put faith in me for anything and found me lacking. It's not my place to be happy and as soon as I can deal with that maybe I can get back to cramming any delusions of such deep down inside and just coast my way into something more useful. The sooner I learn to live without hope, the sooner I can just give up on anything but surviving and simply exist.
I wish there was a better way, but damned if I can find it.
There isn't a lot of anything hopeful written above because the world has sought to steal hope from me. A man without hope is not a man, he is nothing, a husk waiting to rot away. If I had a say in it I would pull back my emotions and soothe them away. My nerves are bare lately and I feel constantly ashamed that I can't find a fucking job. They say God never gives you more than you can handle, but clearly God doesn't know me if he thinks I'm going to make it out the other side better than before. This is no life lesson or learning experience, this is me slowly losing my grip on things and situations getting out of control. I'm worthless, this I know, but I was hoping that I could at least be productive enough have a bed to sleep in and enough money to keep my weak existence going. Sadly the world comes at you like a mad man with a knife, there is no reasoning with it and there is only a brief moment to attempt to defend yourself before it's over.
I'm sorry to everyone that ever put faith in me for anything and found me lacking. It's not my place to be happy and as soon as I can deal with that maybe I can get back to cramming any delusions of such deep down inside and just coast my way into something more useful. The sooner I learn to live without hope, the sooner I can just give up on anything but surviving and simply exist.
I wish there was a better way, but damned if I can find it.