Something not meant for words
Time has marched on. Lives have changed. The world has spun. Yet here I sit the same as ever, brooding internally about all the shit that no one cares about. I sometimes wish that I wasn't smart enough to realize I'm stupid. I wish I was blissfully retarded so that I could for once ignore what I have and have not. I know, as I am always aware, my problems begin with myself. I also know that no amount of tomorrows are going to ever change the way I am. No sonnet of peace or redemption in these words tonight. Nothing but a black dawn forged from the smoke of my burning desires. The same smoke that obscures from my eyes the source of happiness. Of course this is a rant, and with it comes the sense that I am again a worthless fool for penning these words. I'd rather spend my time making the world a better place for myself and others, but that is not who I am. No matter who I try to be it isn't who I am. I should relent and let the fearsome depths crush me, but I won't. I don't know why I can't let the defeat in. What we will do to survive is much more frightening than the alternative, but survival is all we have.
There is never a single reliable certainty in my day. Correction, there is never a wanted reliable certainty. Never alone, never together. I cruise through my days out of control and hopeful to crash. Life has become routine and unfortunately for me the longer I do nothing the more I desire to do nothing. I don't want pity, because that isn't going to help anything. I want something amazing. Things that are amazing usually come at a price, and I'm afraid I have nothing to barter. I'm afraid that when I wake up in my bed tomorrow the world will work very hard to make my life worse than it is. That is my fear every morning. I fear I have more to lose and that there won't be any gain. I'll slowly circle the drain until at last there isn't any more blood to suck from these veins and this husk will be tossed aside. Then again who cares. This is all bullshit from the mouth of some jackass with whom life has a beef. A compass without a needle, a ship without a sail, a knife without an edge, and a ridiculous fool. I can't decide whether to talk or shut the fuck up, and I can't decide if my words are even justified to my own ears. I'm tired of everything being hard, I want a simple life for just a moment. This is my struggle, and no you shouldn't care. Fuck me, and fuck my bullshit. I sometimes think it'd be better if I just faded away and left everyone alone. I'm just as tired of this as everyone else.
There is never a single reliable certainty in my day. Correction, there is never a wanted reliable certainty. Never alone, never together. I cruise through my days out of control and hopeful to crash. Life has become routine and unfortunately for me the longer I do nothing the more I desire to do nothing. I don't want pity, because that isn't going to help anything. I want something amazing. Things that are amazing usually come at a price, and I'm afraid I have nothing to barter. I'm afraid that when I wake up in my bed tomorrow the world will work very hard to make my life worse than it is. That is my fear every morning. I fear I have more to lose and that there won't be any gain. I'll slowly circle the drain until at last there isn't any more blood to suck from these veins and this husk will be tossed aside. Then again who cares. This is all bullshit from the mouth of some jackass with whom life has a beef. A compass without a needle, a ship without a sail, a knife without an edge, and a ridiculous fool. I can't decide whether to talk or shut the fuck up, and I can't decide if my words are even justified to my own ears. I'm tired of everything being hard, I want a simple life for just a moment. This is my struggle, and no you shouldn't care. Fuck me, and fuck my bullshit. I sometimes think it'd be better if I just faded away and left everyone alone. I'm just as tired of this as everyone else.