*sigh*
Wow, I just love it when people yell at me for no reason whatsoever! It's great! Really, I can't believe that everyone doesn't want this to happen to them. I know that I just love getting yelled at when someone else is having a bad day or is in pain. It's like, the best thing in the world to feel like someone else's punching bag to be yelled at when they're in pain. Especially when I can't tell what it is that's bothering said person, and they just fucking decide to go off on me, after I try and do everything I can to make sure their comfortable and happy. It's just great to know that I can make them feel better by getting out that frustration on me.
[/sarcasm]
Really, I fucking hate it when people do shit like that. I'm so fucking sick of being someone's punching bag. Especially someone that I love as much as I do this person. I mean, it really hurts. I'm sorry that I thought you were tired and told you go actually clean off the bed and get in it instead of laying there with a towel over you. I didn't fucking know what you were doing. People fucking tend to forget that I'm not a fucking mind reader and I can't fucking tell what they're doing. I'm human, and I make mistakes. I like it when other people at least acknowledge that they do. I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of snapping at someone when they didn't deserve it; but you better fucking believe that if I've done it, I've also APOLOGIZED for it. I realize when I snap at someone and it affects them, and I try to avoid it. I try to give people head's ups when I'm in a bad mood or when I'm getting toward my period and my moods start getting weird. And that month that I was off my birth control because I couldn't get it in time. And, while I was being bitchy I was fucking apologizing for snapping at them, and all but one of them was understanding. And I don't apologize to her anymore.
So why the fuck is it so hard for some people. All I want is an "I'm not mad at you, I'm just in pain" or "I'm in a lot of pain, which makes me moody, and I didn't mean it," or something like that. I don't think it's so fucking difficult. Or, I didn't. I never find it hard to own up that I was bitchy when I was.
So why do other people feel that they can treat me like shit, when I try so hard not to treat them like it?
That having been said; it's not hard to make me feel insignificant. I feel pretty small to begin with. Figuratively speaking. Most of the time I feel like an elephant trying to live among ants, and that people are looking at me like I'm the fat kid. My boyfriend hates it when I say things like that. Fat, fat, fat. That's how I feel, ninety percent of the time. Yeah, I'm getting emo. Deal with it. I'm sick of people making me feel like less than I am. I'm sick of hearing that I don't understand or I don't matter or I wouldn't understand/get it or that someone else's problems are so much worse than mine and that I should just keep my mouth shut.
I've got problems, too. I've got dysfunction, I've got a crappy ex-boyfriend, I've got all reading, I've got a shitty life. My school counselor once told me that I might be depressed. When I told my mother, she looked right at me and said, "No you're not." That sucks, to not be allowed to be depressed. I didn't cry for FIVE YEARS because my ex-boyfriend was so emotionally un-fucking-stable that I had to be the strong one. FIVE YEARS, not one tear. Not fucking one. So fucking EXCUSE ME if I can't help it sometimes. I think I have a right every now and again. It doesn't mean pity me, or tell me to 'shut the fuck up and get over it.' I can't get over it, just like you fucking can't. If that's what you're going to say, then I don't fucking want to hear it, or your 'I told you so's' or your fucking words of wisdom. You don't have anything that could make me feel better.
There's nothing anyone can do to make me feel better about myself. Everything I do, everything I am, is a lie. It's because I need to be like that, because if I wasn't, I'd be worse, and I'd be alone. I can't be alone for long periods of time. I don't like it; it scares me.
I have to stop typing because not crying while typing is giving me a headache, and Orion is sleeping.
[/sarcasm]
Really, I fucking hate it when people do shit like that. I'm so fucking sick of being someone's punching bag. Especially someone that I love as much as I do this person. I mean, it really hurts. I'm sorry that I thought you were tired and told you go actually clean off the bed and get in it instead of laying there with a towel over you. I didn't fucking know what you were doing. People fucking tend to forget that I'm not a fucking mind reader and I can't fucking tell what they're doing. I'm human, and I make mistakes. I like it when other people at least acknowledge that they do. I'm not saying that I'm not guilty of snapping at someone when they didn't deserve it; but you better fucking believe that if I've done it, I've also APOLOGIZED for it. I realize when I snap at someone and it affects them, and I try to avoid it. I try to give people head's ups when I'm in a bad mood or when I'm getting toward my period and my moods start getting weird. And that month that I was off my birth control because I couldn't get it in time. And, while I was being bitchy I was fucking apologizing for snapping at them, and all but one of them was understanding. And I don't apologize to her anymore.
So why the fuck is it so hard for some people. All I want is an "I'm not mad at you, I'm just in pain" or "I'm in a lot of pain, which makes me moody, and I didn't mean it," or something like that. I don't think it's so fucking difficult. Or, I didn't. I never find it hard to own up that I was bitchy when I was.
So why do other people feel that they can treat me like shit, when I try so hard not to treat them like it?
That having been said; it's not hard to make me feel insignificant. I feel pretty small to begin with. Figuratively speaking. Most of the time I feel like an elephant trying to live among ants, and that people are looking at me like I'm the fat kid. My boyfriend hates it when I say things like that. Fat, fat, fat. That's how I feel, ninety percent of the time. Yeah, I'm getting emo. Deal with it. I'm sick of people making me feel like less than I am. I'm sick of hearing that I don't understand or I don't matter or I wouldn't understand/get it or that someone else's problems are so much worse than mine and that I should just keep my mouth shut.
I've got problems, too. I've got dysfunction, I've got a crappy ex-boyfriend, I've got all reading, I've got a shitty life. My school counselor once told me that I might be depressed. When I told my mother, she looked right at me and said, "No you're not." That sucks, to not be allowed to be depressed. I didn't cry for FIVE YEARS because my ex-boyfriend was so emotionally un-fucking-stable that I had to be the strong one. FIVE YEARS, not one tear. Not fucking one. So fucking EXCUSE ME if I can't help it sometimes. I think I have a right every now and again. It doesn't mean pity me, or tell me to 'shut the fuck up and get over it.' I can't get over it, just like you fucking can't. If that's what you're going to say, then I don't fucking want to hear it, or your 'I told you so's' or your fucking words of wisdom. You don't have anything that could make me feel better.
There's nothing anyone can do to make me feel better about myself. Everything I do, everything I am, is a lie. It's because I need to be like that, because if I wasn't, I'd be worse, and I'd be alone. I can't be alone for long periods of time. I don't like it; it scares me.
I have to stop typing because not crying while typing is giving me a headache, and Orion is sleeping.