its all meaningless
love is shit...i have come to this realization tonight. just so much shit went down in the last 2 days i dont know..well i do. i know love is fucking meaningless. All this shit revolves around yet again Sara.
To begin we started talking again and for the past month I would say we have been talking and hanging out...mainly involving making love and shit. When we were together alone we could not keep our hands nor lips off each other...we both admitted that we loved each other and we agreed to be friends with benefits until we were ready to give our relationship a new start. That did not last long.
Basically here is where the shit begins. Sara promised me and told me that if I was ever upset and needed to talk to someone to call her...so seeing it as I cannot even be home for 5 minutes anymore without fighting my dad i would call her when I was upset and this is usually what I got "You fucked up your life now deal with it I am with my friends fuck you"
Then the next fucking day we would see each other and she would be all over me saying "I love you AJ"
And now...the big end of it all, where it all went down the fucking drain
OK so Family Values was yesterday. Saturday night I called Sara and was trying to tell her that I may have had a few tickets to give to her new "friends" in West Haven. I immediately got the third degree. Between her screaming at me I got this: She got into it with her sister and was home and was not going to Family Values. Then she hung up after I said ok I love you...click.
So I called her Sunday morning before going to the concert and said I would take her seeing it as I had an extra ticket. She flipped on me for calling her and stopped answering my calls. That hurt me just a little...more so the fact that she would not say I love you back to me.
So I went to the concert with my sister, Mike, Paul and Eddy. An hour of being there I turned around and there is Sara hiding behind her druggy sister, so I go Sara wtf and told her I was upset she lied and that she also looked like a skank and needed to put on more clothes. She walked away.
So all day I kept trying to talk to her and tell her that she needed to sit down and talk to me and to tell her that her "friends" needed to quit throwing shit at me and such and all I got was her ignoring at me and screaming at me.
Then right in the middle of Evanescence I had enough of Sara treating me like shit and right in front of all her friends I told her "why don't we tell all your friends how we are having crazy wild sex all the time lately" and I just walked back to my group of people. She came running up to me and we started talking...well I was she was screaming at me. Then I lost it and blacked out...apparently her "friends" all tried to start shit and I went after them and had to be jumped on by Mike, Mike, Paul, Eddy, My Uncle, and Pat. We didn't talk anymore that night, I ended up leaving to get away from it.
So when I got home last night I messaged her saying that she broke my heart again and I just wanted to see her Thursday and talk in private and get my iPod and shit back.
Today she messaged me back saying fuck you and said i would get my iPod back...eventually. So I called her and she denied my phone call so I just left a message saying I wanted no trouble and just wanted my iPod back. So then this kid calls me off a blocked number saying he is Sara's new boyfriend Little John and I was gonna get jumped or shot. I had enough drove my ass down to the police station and now Sara has a week to give me my shit back or she is arrested.
now for my feelings.....
I am so hurt inside right now. I never wanted shit to go this way, I wanted to work everything out with Sara because I love the girl with my whole heart and soul. I just could not take her games anymore, how the fuck can you tell me you love me, have sex with me then the next fucking day act like I am nothing at all to you. That is what she did at Family Values, she acted like I was nothing at all to her. She says she could not hang with me there like she promised because of my friends. Well what she cannot understand is that they were willing to give her another chance because my friends care about me being happy...and if I had gotten back with Sara I would have been happy because I love the fucking girl. But she chose all these scummy ass 20 something year old people from West Haven who do every fucking drug they can over me. After everything I did for Sara, after I pretty much gave my personal life up to be with her, after I would run out at odd hours of the night to go get her because she was fighting her dad, make her come to my house sleep in my bed and bring her to school the next day this is the thanks I get. She says I hurt her real bad the night I called the police on her when she cut herself right in front of me. Like I told her yesterday to my face that that night she cut herself right in front of me she did not just hurt herself..when she cut her arm she cut my heart right out of my chest. She said none of the times she hurt me add up to how much I hurt her in one night. She fucking forgets all the times she chose others over me, cussed me out for not having a job, defended people who wanted to use her for sex, she forgets all the fucking times she hurt me. She acts like none of it added up at all and made me leave her. She blames my friends saying they took me away from her...well maybe they did because they saw how broken inside I was and how much shit I was going through and that I was running out of hope so they got me away from all the shit. And she fucking forgets all the times I forgave her and gave her another chance to fix things...all because I love the fucking girl, I cannot ever love someone they way I love her ever. I did everything for the girl, even if it meant sacrificing things important things in my life to see her I did it because I love her. But now she has to treat me like a piece of shit and act like I am nothing and force me to go to the cops on her...I never wanted to do that shit. i just wanted to talk to her, but she is in with the wrong crowd, people she told me that she hated and never wanted in her life. All the times she called me crying because her sister Tami started shit with her, or the times Ali did something to her. All the shit Sara talked about them now here she is living with these West Haven scumbags...people who have no job, steal, use every drug they can get their hands on and do nothing with their lives. Not to mention every guy she hangs with there just wants to fuck her..they tell her straight to her face. And she is becoming one of them and they have her so fucked up in the head now she cant even see that I love her and that the one person who did everything for her and loves her to fucking death is dying inside because of what she is doing to him...but it does not faze her because these fucking scumbags have her so fucking warped in the mind she cant see shit. She cant see that she is loosing..pretty much lost...the one person who ever gave two shits about her, who was there for her 24/7, who made her want to fucking live, stop cutting, and showed her what life has to offer and loved her for who she is. But it does not mean shit to Sara...and now I am dead inside because the one person I ever fucking loved in my life is making me fucking do what I never wanted...hate her. I just want her to fucking love me like I love her but people never know that they had until it is fucking gone...and when I am gone and these mother fucking scumbags ditch her she will be left with no one and she will see the truth...that she pissed away the one thing in her life that mattered the most...loving me...the person who did everything for her and loves her for who she is
To begin we started talking again and for the past month I would say we have been talking and hanging out...mainly involving making love and shit. When we were together alone we could not keep our hands nor lips off each other...we both admitted that we loved each other and we agreed to be friends with benefits until we were ready to give our relationship a new start. That did not last long.
Basically here is where the shit begins. Sara promised me and told me that if I was ever upset and needed to talk to someone to call her...so seeing it as I cannot even be home for 5 minutes anymore without fighting my dad i would call her when I was upset and this is usually what I got "You fucked up your life now deal with it I am with my friends fuck you"
Then the next fucking day we would see each other and she would be all over me saying "I love you AJ"
And now...the big end of it all, where it all went down the fucking drain
OK so Family Values was yesterday. Saturday night I called Sara and was trying to tell her that I may have had a few tickets to give to her new "friends" in West Haven. I immediately got the third degree. Between her screaming at me I got this: She got into it with her sister and was home and was not going to Family Values. Then she hung up after I said ok I love you...click.
So I called her Sunday morning before going to the concert and said I would take her seeing it as I had an extra ticket. She flipped on me for calling her and stopped answering my calls. That hurt me just a little...more so the fact that she would not say I love you back to me.
So I went to the concert with my sister, Mike, Paul and Eddy. An hour of being there I turned around and there is Sara hiding behind her druggy sister, so I go Sara wtf and told her I was upset she lied and that she also looked like a skank and needed to put on more clothes. She walked away.
So all day I kept trying to talk to her and tell her that she needed to sit down and talk to me and to tell her that her "friends" needed to quit throwing shit at me and such and all I got was her ignoring at me and screaming at me.
Then right in the middle of Evanescence I had enough of Sara treating me like shit and right in front of all her friends I told her "why don't we tell all your friends how we are having crazy wild sex all the time lately" and I just walked back to my group of people. She came running up to me and we started talking...well I was she was screaming at me. Then I lost it and blacked out...apparently her "friends" all tried to start shit and I went after them and had to be jumped on by Mike, Mike, Paul, Eddy, My Uncle, and Pat. We didn't talk anymore that night, I ended up leaving to get away from it.
So when I got home last night I messaged her saying that she broke my heart again and I just wanted to see her Thursday and talk in private and get my iPod and shit back.
Today she messaged me back saying fuck you and said i would get my iPod back...eventually. So I called her and she denied my phone call so I just left a message saying I wanted no trouble and just wanted my iPod back. So then this kid calls me off a blocked number saying he is Sara's new boyfriend Little John and I was gonna get jumped or shot. I had enough drove my ass down to the police station and now Sara has a week to give me my shit back or she is arrested.
now for my feelings.....
I am so hurt inside right now. I never wanted shit to go this way, I wanted to work everything out with Sara because I love the girl with my whole heart and soul. I just could not take her games anymore, how the fuck can you tell me you love me, have sex with me then the next fucking day act like I am nothing at all to you. That is what she did at Family Values, she acted like I was nothing at all to her. She says she could not hang with me there like she promised because of my friends. Well what she cannot understand is that they were willing to give her another chance because my friends care about me being happy...and if I had gotten back with Sara I would have been happy because I love the fucking girl. But she chose all these scummy ass 20 something year old people from West Haven who do every fucking drug they can over me. After everything I did for Sara, after I pretty much gave my personal life up to be with her, after I would run out at odd hours of the night to go get her because she was fighting her dad, make her come to my house sleep in my bed and bring her to school the next day this is the thanks I get. She says I hurt her real bad the night I called the police on her when she cut herself right in front of me. Like I told her yesterday to my face that that night she cut herself right in front of me she did not just hurt herself..when she cut her arm she cut my heart right out of my chest. She said none of the times she hurt me add up to how much I hurt her in one night. She fucking forgets all the times she chose others over me, cussed me out for not having a job, defended people who wanted to use her for sex, she forgets all the fucking times she hurt me. She acts like none of it added up at all and made me leave her. She blames my friends saying they took me away from her...well maybe they did because they saw how broken inside I was and how much shit I was going through and that I was running out of hope so they got me away from all the shit. And she fucking forgets all the times I forgave her and gave her another chance to fix things...all because I love the fucking girl, I cannot ever love someone they way I love her ever. I did everything for the girl, even if it meant sacrificing things important things in my life to see her I did it because I love her. But now she has to treat me like a piece of shit and act like I am nothing and force me to go to the cops on her...I never wanted to do that shit. i just wanted to talk to her, but she is in with the wrong crowd, people she told me that she hated and never wanted in her life. All the times she called me crying because her sister Tami started shit with her, or the times Ali did something to her. All the shit Sara talked about them now here she is living with these West Haven scumbags...people who have no job, steal, use every drug they can get their hands on and do nothing with their lives. Not to mention every guy she hangs with there just wants to fuck her..they tell her straight to her face. And she is becoming one of them and they have her so fucked up in the head now she cant even see that I love her and that the one person who did everything for her and loves her to fucking death is dying inside because of what she is doing to him...but it does not faze her because these fucking scumbags have her so fucking warped in the mind she cant see shit. She cant see that she is loosing..pretty much lost...the one person who ever gave two shits about her, who was there for her 24/7, who made her want to fucking live, stop cutting, and showed her what life has to offer and loved her for who she is. But it does not mean shit to Sara...and now I am dead inside because the one person I ever fucking loved in my life is making me fucking do what I never wanted...hate her. I just want her to fucking love me like I love her but people never know that they had until it is fucking gone...and when I am gone and these mother fucking scumbags ditch her she will be left with no one and she will see the truth...that she pissed away the one thing in her life that mattered the most...loving me...the person who did everything for her and loves her for who she is