Re-evaluate.
Someone thirteen years older than me told me that the best feeling in the world is heroin and for whatever reason, that makes me infinitely sad and disappointed. It's been running through my head incessantly and I don't know why. It's not that I fear for their life, as they've reformed from said habit, it's just a fear that maybe it really is.
We made love in a hundred-dollar hotel room, although his apartment was fifteen minutes away. Why? Why not.
He told me he could give me my first orgasm.
He didn't.
He told me it's because I'm empty inside.
He told me he's incapable of love, which made me wish that I could love him, but for both obvious and inner reasons, I can't.
I can't identify with anyone lately.
I'm not even eighteen yet and I'm already scared that I'm dead inside.
It's not that I'm sad, it's just that I don't have any strong sentiments about anything.
I pretend to care about various causes and such but I really don't.
I'm a vegetarian almost entirely out of dietary habit and but I tell people it's still for ethical reasons. That I became a vegetarian because I hugged a chicken and felt its heart-beat and decided I couldn't eat meat anymore. That story is a lie. I've told it to at least twenty people over the last four years.
I feel like a different species; especially around people my own age. It's not like I'm socially disabled or anything, I can put up a facade, even ignore my alienation and enjoy myself. I go out to eat with people, out for a cigarette, out drinking, outoutout with people then I go home and reflect on the fact that I have absolutely nothing in common with 90 percent of the people I associate with.
I called the other guy I had been fucking last night.
I've been ignoring his calls and texts for the last week or so. He's been persistent.
I asked him if he noticed my efforts at distancing myself from him and he said no but I know when people are lying.
I tire of him. He's awkward and smokes too much pot and is not complex enough for me to want.
I know he's sensitive, whatever that's like, and I don't want to hurt him. Also, I would lose several acquaintances and maybe a friend or two if I did.
I'm going to graduate from high school this year.
Once I get that meaningless piece of paper I will leave this place and never look back and maybe find something or someone I can give a shit about.
We made love in a hundred-dollar hotel room, although his apartment was fifteen minutes away. Why? Why not.
He told me he could give me my first orgasm.
He didn't.
He told me it's because I'm empty inside.
He told me he's incapable of love, which made me wish that I could love him, but for both obvious and inner reasons, I can't.
I can't identify with anyone lately.
I'm not even eighteen yet and I'm already scared that I'm dead inside.
It's not that I'm sad, it's just that I don't have any strong sentiments about anything.
I pretend to care about various causes and such but I really don't.
I'm a vegetarian almost entirely out of dietary habit and but I tell people it's still for ethical reasons. That I became a vegetarian because I hugged a chicken and felt its heart-beat and decided I couldn't eat meat anymore. That story is a lie. I've told it to at least twenty people over the last four years.
I feel like a different species; especially around people my own age. It's not like I'm socially disabled or anything, I can put up a facade, even ignore my alienation and enjoy myself. I go out to eat with people, out for a cigarette, out drinking, outoutout with people then I go home and reflect on the fact that I have absolutely nothing in common with 90 percent of the people I associate with.
I called the other guy I had been fucking last night.
I've been ignoring his calls and texts for the last week or so. He's been persistent.
I asked him if he noticed my efforts at distancing myself from him and he said no but I know when people are lying.
I tire of him. He's awkward and smokes too much pot and is not complex enough for me to want.
I know he's sensitive, whatever that's like, and I don't want to hurt him. Also, I would lose several acquaintances and maybe a friend or two if I did.
I'm going to graduate from high school this year.
Once I get that meaningless piece of paper I will leave this place and never look back and maybe find something or someone I can give a shit about.