[fic] one on one: (9/9)
Title: One on One
Pairing(s): Akame
Genre: Romance, Angst, AU
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kamenashi Kazuya is a novelist who sees an article in the newspaper about a man named Akanishi Jin who was sentenced to death for killing his brother. Kame decides he wants to write his next book on the man's story, but the person he meets is not who he expected.
Die For You
Kame leaned against the railing of his balcony, his elbows balancing on the edge with his head buried into his hands. He had always been afraid of heights and as such had never before stepped out into the balcony. Today however, he welcomed the effects of his fear; the dizzying feeling that made the world spin, the rush of blood to his head, the slight tremors. Today, for him, it was bliss to be so afraid as it drove all other thoughts out of his mind. And today he desperately needed to be distracted, for tomorrow was the day Jin would die.
As those words ran quickly through his mind, the fear was suddenly gone and the hatred of himself, the feelings of hopelessness and grief, replaced it. A sudden sob ripped from his chest and the walls he had been holding up broke, releasing a flood of tears. He tried to tell himself it was for the best, that he was doing the right thing, but the words did nothing to dispel his sorrow and guilt.
The sound of the front door opening suddenly assaulted Kame’s ears and he choked back the next wracking sob that threatened to escape. It was Koki, as he was the only other person to have the key to the apartment, and something told Kamenashi that him crying was something his manager did not want to see. Koki’s warnings had been clue enough. The glass door slid open behind him and Kame furiously rubbed his tears away, suddenly embarrassed by his emotions.
“I read your book Kame,” Koki said as the man stepped up beside him, leaning against the rail “I thought it was brilliant.”
Kame, not trusting his voice just yet to speak, merely nodded. Koki elbowed him in the side when no answer came but ignored Kame’s silence.
“That last chapter. So I guess you really did fall in love, yeah?” Koki mused as he ran fingers over his shaven head.
A tremor of pain jolted through Kame’s body at those words, but he thankfully was able to fight another sob into submission.
“And I guess tomorrow’s the day, yeah?” Koki continued.
Another tremor suppressed, a lone tear wiped away. “It is,” Kame whispered. “Yeah.”
“And so the reason you’re here at home and not at the jail is because of what?” Koki asked.
Kame gulped down another sob and forced himself to answer. “I thought it would be easier for Jin to handle it, if I left.”
Koki laughed, but the sound was humorless and jarring in the silence surrounding the two. “You have a weird sense of logic, Kame,” Koki replied, “if you think it would be better for someone to spend their last days on this earth alone, yeah?”
“You don’t understand,” Kame replied, though the accuracy of Koki’s words was hard to ignore. “I could tell my being there did more harm then good. Jin was breaking apart and I can only think that it was because of me.” Memories of Jin’s eyes searching his face for something he could not find and the hopelessness that appeared in them afterwards flashed in his head. “Besides,” he said bitterly, “Yamapi is still there. He’s not alone.”
“Well you’re an idiot.”
Kame blinked and for the first time glanced with wide and confused eyes towards Koki’s figure; the other’s expression was grim. To say he wasn’t taken aback by Koki’s response would be lying as he was completely startled by his manager’s blunt words. He had expected his manager to understand his point of view, or at the very least realize that Kame’s decision was logical.
“What?” he asked breathlessly.
“You heard me!” Koki replied. “You’re just doing what you always do, yeah? Running away.” Koki glanced over at Kame but the author quickly pulled his eyes away from the other’s searching gaze.
“I’m not running away,” Kame protested indignantly. “I’m doing this for him. I’ve run away too many times to make the mistake of doing it again!”
“And that’s why you’re an idiot,” Koki said again. His voice took on a mocking tone. “You’ve done it so many times that it’s the only thing you can do.”
Kame opened his mouth to reply but Koki’s words were like a knife whose edge was slowly peeling back the layers of his carefully built cocoon to revealed his true feelings underneath. He couldn’t protest the truth because it was right, everything Koki said was right, no matter how hard he tried to ignore it. And though the truth meant he was weak, a coward, Koki’s words came as a relief for now he had nothing left to hide.
“You know it’s funny that you chose to be an author,” Koki said with a sigh. “You write about human emotion everyday but you can’t even figure out your own. Life’s ironic like that, yeah?”
Kame’s tears he had been holding back since Koki’s arrival began to slowly trickle down his face, dripping down from his chin and falling onto the railing and the ground below. A headache was forming on the edge of his mind and the force of his emotion made it hard from him to breathe, to see, to think. He felt Koki place an arm on his shoulders and that hesitant show of tenderness made Kame turn into the other’s embrace and bury his face into the Koki’s shoulder. He could sense Koki stiffen but in his anguish he didn’t or couldn’t care.
“You’re right,” he moaned through his tears. “All I can do is run away. I’m just afraid, I’m just so very afraid. I don’t know what to do. No one ever taught me what to do!”
Koki finally relented to Kame’s display of emotion and wrapped warm arms around his back, patting his shoulder awkwardly. The manager sighed but let Kamenashi cry himself out, occasionally muttering words of encouragement to the disconsolate man in his arms. When Kame’s sobs came with less and less frequency, Koki finally let the other go. Kame willingly dropped his embrace as well.
“You done?” Koki asked, concern written on his face.
“No,” Kame replied back. “But when will I ever be?” He rubbed his eyes to erase the last evidence of tears, but they were still red and swollen from his crying. A headache pounded in time to his pulse.
“How about you go inside now? I think you need to get some rest,” Koki said. Kame was about to protest but a firm glare from the other made him change his mind and he let himself be lead back inside. It seemed his manager was finally done tormenting Kame with his harsh but true words for Koki only deposited him outside his room before turning to go.
“I’ll come back… two days from now. See you later,” his manager replied and with those last words disappeared from his sight. Kame felt the weight of being alone once again settle on his shoulders and he fell into his bed with a groan, gladly letting sleep overtake his thoughts.
* * *
Kame woke with a strangled scream the next day and spent the rest of it crying dejectedly into his pillow. A sense of foreboding and helplessness settled deep into his stomach that day, clenching his heart in an unrelenting grip. He constantly wondered when they would get around to killing Jin; whenever he did a fresh wave of tears would flow once again until his pillow was soaked and his sheets were tangled in a complicated mess. By the end of the day he was exhausted and when sleep finally took him, his last thoughts were of how much he wished he could die.
* * *
True to his word, Koki came the next day but his presence did nothing to calm Kame’s mind or make the tears come any slower. Koki forced him to eat, which he did grudgingly, but he couldn’t help but be grateful for his encouraging. Left alone, he would have completely abandoned that now mundane task of taking care of himself.
A letter declaring his book had been accepted for publishing arrived soon after the execution date. When Koki threw it on his bed and announced what it was, the news only made the tears well up and spill over once again. It was only a reminder of his folly, of his mistakes and of the death of the only man he had ever loved. He felt no comfort from the letter’s cold and stiff words.
It took five days for him to finally get out of bed, another two for him to actually say anything to Koki and one more after that before his manager finally left the apartment. He still cried everyday and Kame knew deep down that he should get over it, move on, but something held him back, made him still want to cling to his sorrow. He felt foolish but he couldn’t stop, so Kame’s days became whirlwinds of pain and misery, bleeding into one another until the days became blurs in his mind. Never, it seemed, would the pain stop.
* * *
Three weeks after Jin’s execution, and two weeks after finally being left alone by Koki, his doorbell rang. He was lying on his couch looking up at the ceiling when he heard the ringing but ignored it. When it came again and then another time, he got up with a groan and stumbled over towards the sound, thinking only of getting the sound to stop.
He opened the door looking downward, knowing that it was Koki probably come to bother him about getting back on his feet and stop moping. When Koki’s voice didn’t immediately start yelling at him when the door opened wide, he knew something was wrong. Someone other than Koki had visited him. Thinking it might be his other friends or perhaps even Yamashita at his door, he looked up.
Akanishi Jin stood in the doorway, a melancholy smile on his face. “Hi,” the man said.
Kame did the only thing he could do at the moment; the only thing that seemed reasonable to do when a man you took for dead appears on your doorstep. Kame fainted.
Kame must not have fainted completely away because he could feel himself falling backwards towards the floor, a rush of wind around him. And he could feel Akanishi grab his hand, could feel his fall slowing down from Jin’s firm pull of his arm, could see Jin’s worried face peer down at his unfocused eyes while he lay on his back. It seemed a dream, that Jin’s eyes could be so full of life and so real. That Jin’s fingers brushing back hair from his face could be so warm. That Jin’s voice could be softly calling his name so tenderly. Kamenashi realized that should he die right then and there, he would be content, with no regrets to haunt his last thoughts. He sighed and closed his eyes.
“I didn’t expect you to actually faint, Kame.” Akanishi’s voice came softly through the haze of his astonishment. The words seemed so far away but so real and so raw.
“I didn’t expect you to actually come back from the dead,” Kame heard himself say. His words seemed so cut off and it felt as if he was speaking a different language, gibberish that no one would be able to understand. Jin’s laugh nearly made him black out again; none of it seemed real.
“The killer confessed, the day of my execution,” Jin said, his voice still sounding distant and fuzzy. “Can you believe it? He felt so guilty that I was going to die he actually confessed and not a moment too soon either. I sometimes still think it couldn’t have possibly happened. But I had three weeks of being stuck in that cell until I was released for it to finally sink in.”
Kame tried to digest the information Akanishi was telling but the current haze in which everything was surrounded by made it difficult. He stretched his mind around the facts but nothing sank in. It all seemed like a dream, a complicated and far-fetched dream. Kamenashi heard slight mumbles coming from Akanishi and he concentrated on his voice, the rumbling tenor that sounded so melodic and wonderful to his ears, but the roaring in his ears made it hard to make out the words.
“Hey Kame!” Akanishi’s voice was suddenly clear, cutting through the clamor in his head. “Open your eyes Kame. Get up off the floor.” Kame shook his head and shut his eyes tighter.
This couldn’t be real. It couldn’t possibly be real. Jin couldn’t possibly be right there in his own apartment as if nothing had happened out of the ordinary, couldn’t possibly be conversing with him, couldn’t possibly be right beside him without any bars obstructing contact.
Suddenly, a warm hand settled on the side of his head and Kame felt Akanishi’s thumb rest gently over his eye before the pad of the finger slowly lifted his eyelid up. The sight of Jin’s face so close to his own dispelled any doubts, any confusion and he opened the other eye to take Akanishi’s full face into view.
“Hi,” the other said again, this time with a grin. At this, Kame’s eyes filled with tears and he sat up to throw his arms around the other’s neck.
“Jin,” he whispered. He felt tears drip down and splash onto Jin’s shoulder and when he felt tiny droplets fall on his own, it only caused his sobs to increase in intensity. “Jin, I missed you so much.”
But then Kame felt the other man pull away and though he reached out wildly for the other, Jin was too quick and stepped lightly out of the way. Kame gazed up with wet eyes at Akanishi whose eyes glistened with tears as well. He suddenly knew what was coming and he was afraid.
“You left me, Kame,” the other man choked out. “Three days before I was going to die you left me.”
Kame, ashamed, looked down at the floor and said nothing.
“You said it was for me,” Akanishi continued. “You said it was for me but how could it possibly have been? Why did you do it?”
“Jin I- I can’t tell…”
“Tell me,” Akanishi demanded, then leaned over to pull Kame up by his hands so that their gazes met and everything he was feeling was betrayed by his eyes, still glistening with tears. A shock of pleasure rolled up his spine when Jin did not release his hands, but it was quickly snuffed out by the other’s grim and determined expression.
He turned his head to look over his shoulder in order to break Jin’s intense glare, but Akanishi dropped one of Kame’s hands and used his thumb and forefinger on Kame’s chin to turn his head back. Kamenashi nearly whimpered when the hand dropped from his face and the warm grip on Kame’s hand disappeared.
But still he would not speak, could not speak, though he searched through his mind desperately to find something to say. Kame didn’t understand it himself, but there was an underlying feeling in all this mess that if he told Jin the truth, the ugly reason as to why he left that poor man in a cell all alone, Akanishi would hate him for it. Kame would rather the other be angry with him then hate him, for at least when Jin was angry he still cared.
“Come on Kame!” Akanishi said, exasperated. “You can tell me can’t you? You can tell me why you left me there in the prison, unable to follow, wondering what I could have possibly done to have driven away the only person I have ever truly fallen in love with!” Jin glanced imploringly at Kame, a blush painting his cheeks with a pink glow.
“You love me?” Kame said in disbelief. His mind was darting from one thought to the next, desperately trying to make sense of his day, to get the events under control. But for Jin to love him back… impossible.
“But you can’t love me, I’ve done nothing but hurt you. I don’t deserve you, I can’t-” Kame cut off as he began to panic. For his feelings to be returned… suddenly, he was so very, very afraid. And when Jin still did not speak, he knew it was still time for him to speak. He took a deep breath and began.
“I ran because I was scared for myself,” he forced himself to say, his heart pounding frantically all the while. “I was scared that being there with you any longer would- I didn’t want to get hurt any more than I would have to!”
“What?” Akanishi asked. His brows furrowed and Kame knew in that moment that his chance of getting the love of his life was swept away.
“I took advantage of the fact that you couldn’t come after me! I selfishly only thought about myself though it was you that was going to die. I panicked, because how you were acting was so different and I can’t handle different. And the missing chapter, the one you didn’t read, in those pages I realized something of myself that scared me even more. If I was there to the end, I wouldn’t know how to… handle it.”
During his speech, his eyes had gradually traveled downwards towards the floor so at these words, he lifted his eyes to Akanishi’s face. The other man was passive, no expression showed in Jin’s blank eyes that stared back steadily at Kame’s.
“I’m selfish,” Kame said. “I’m weak. I can’t face the things that scare me. I can’t even figure out my own feelings let alone others’. I run away from anything threatening. I can’t stand up for myself. I can’t-”
“Kame,” Jin said softly, interrupting his rant. Akanishi took a step closer to Kame and then they were suddenly close, so close that Kamenashi was reminded once again that this time, no bars separated the two from each other. His pulse raced faster and Kame felt like his whole body was on fire, anticipating everything and dreading nothing.
“You’re not running away now…” Jin continued. Kame shook his head and glanced away.
“I have no where left to run, that’s why.”
“I can’t believe that,” Jin responded. There was a long silence in which neither of them spoke and only stood facing each other, Jin’s eyes on Kame and Kame’s eyes on the floor.
“The last chapter…” Jin began. And Kame glanced up at the other at those words and gave the other a pleading look; a look that was desperate and sad and angry and full of relief all at once. Kamenashi heard Jin take in a sharp breath of air but the other ignored the look.
“The last chapter-,” Akanishi began again, “what did you… realize?”
I might as well show him. I have nothing left to lose.
Kame turned away from Akanishi and made his way over to his couch, where a manuscript of his book lay among a mess of magazines and newspapers on the coffee table before it. Kamenashi reached for the pages and, securing a hold on the last chapter, let the other chapters fall softly to the ground in a mess of white. Stepping on the pages surrounding him, he walked back to where Jin was waiting.
“Here,” he said. Jin reached for the pages and looked down at the top leaf.
“Chapter 17…” Akanishi read out loud, but then stopped as he read the first sentence. Jin’s eyes widened and he sent a shocked glance Kame’s way before reading more; the author could see the flickering of Akanishi’s brown orbs as they skimmed the rest of the page. Kame waited in breathless anticipation for Jin’s response when the other lifted his head with a dazed expression marring his features.
“And I am even afraid of loving you,” Kame said, before Jin could say a word. “So even if you love me, I cannot even begin to believe that I deserve you.”
“Shouldn’t that be my decision?” Jin asked. A wide smile suddenly stretched across his features and a dull but pleasurable ache swelled through Kame’s body. If it was possible, Kame’s heart began to beat even faster when Akanishi took a step closer to his form.
“See, ‘cause when I think of two people in love with each other, I think they should automatically be together, don’t you agree?” Akanishi began. “So regardless of how you think of yourself, regardless of what you have done, I still want to be with you and love you.” Jin took another step closer to Kame, who by this time was blushing furiously, when Jin lifted an arm to rest on Kame’s shoulder, the author couldn’t help but sigh. “I’m biased that way, when it comes to love,” Akanishi finished, moving his long fingers up to Kame’s neck.
And then they were kissing, desperately and lovingly pressing their lips together, Jin’s fingers running through the hair on the nape of his neck, Kame’s hands clasped tightly on the taller man’s arms. The last gate was down, the walls had crumbled, the barriers were thrown away, all lost in the sweetness of the kiss and the raw power of their emotions.
“I love you,” Kame said as he broke off to look into Akanishi’s steady gaze, a grin twitching on his lips.
“I’d die for you,” Akanishi replied, running a thumb over Kame’s cheekbone. The irony of the Jin’s words made them both laugh and when Jin leaned down to kiss Kame again and again and again, Kame found that his smile would not go away.
Kame knew wholeheartedly that he was trapped, doomed to love this man for all he was worth until the day he ceased to live on the earth.
And that was a fact that didn’t scare him one bit, not anymore, for Jin had showed Kame with his words and his eyes and his lips that Jin would love him regardless of his faults, his fears, his secrets.
For Kame, at that moment in Jin’s arms, that was all that mattered.