So you probably don't want to hear me complain...
but I don't care. I need to vent. I am so sad about my dog. I miss her and I feel so bad that she had to go the way she did. It's so hard to tell the vet that they need to let her go. Why couldn't it have been peacefully in her sleep or something? Why did she have to have the last little bit of her life involve so much suffering? I just kept thinking that if I could get her to start eating again she would be alright. Why didn't the first vet tell me that liver failure might be what was causing her seizures and weight loss? I guess at least I know that even if I had done things differently it wouldn't have mattered; I couldn't have saved her. I would hate to think that it was my fault. She was such a good, sweet dog. She didn't deserve to suffer like that. I spent several hours with her last night, just sitting by her, trying to comfort her. There was even a little while when she seemed like she might get better. I was probably just deluding myself. I knew that she might die, but I didn't want to believe it, not really. There are so many reasons why a dog might have seizures and a lot of them are things that they can recover from. I wanted it to be something that she could recover from. I had no idea her liver might be failing. I loved my little dog so much and she loved me. She loved everyone, but when she had to choose, it was always me. She knew that I loved her; that it was me who rescued her and gave her a home. I'm going to miss her so bad. The backyard is so empty. I haven't had time to clean everything up. There's still an empty dog house, dog food, water bowls, her little coat I bought her for the winter, the winter she'll never see, everything that a dog could need, and no dog. She won't be there wagging her tail when I come home and when I leave. I can't tell her "hi" after a long day of work. I can't go pet her when I'm sad. I haven't been this sad in a long time and she was always there to comfort me when I needed it. And right now all I can think about is the horror of watching her seizure and then walk around so lost and confused. All of it makes me sad, thinking of her pain at the end, even thinking of how happy and loving she was because I can't have her by my side anymore. I never get to see her run around with that joy that only a dog can have. I can't take her swimming anymore. I know dogs die and one day her time would come, but now that she's gone I feel like I took her for granted. I tried to do things that made her happy, but sometimes I really was just too busy. Everything moneywise is so bad now and I have to work so hard for so little. Now I feel like I didn't try hard enough. She was my friend and my friend is dead. No one loves you like a dog. They are never too busy for you. They love every minute that they get to be in your presence even if you're just sitting together. Why does it seem like you lose what you love during the times that you weren't able to enjoy them as much as you should have? Or does it always feel that way? Do you always feel like you could have done more once the opportunity is gone? Before they put her to sleep I told her I was sorry and that I loved her. She kind of seemed like she knew I was there, but she was on so much drugs and when she tried to turn to me she lost her oxygen mask thing and couldn't lift her head enough to get to me. I couldn't watch them do it, but I got to say goodbye. I'm so sorry Pepper. I love you.