to end a letter...
I knew this time was coming, so I figured I'd do it today. I haven't
written anything significant in my journal for many months. I plan on
checking in from time to time to read friends posts and communities,
but this will be my last personal post. This being my 6th year on
livejournal, I figure I'd leave with something worthwhile.
When I started this journal, I was 15 and a freshman in high school.
Being a kid, nothing really makes sense, and having an online blog to
vent and have people comment was very benefitial. Throughout the past 6
years, I spent a good deal of time talking about love, life, sorrow,
and anger. This blog in realitiy has been a timeline that has allowed
me to go back and see how I've grown; triumpthed and faultered. I spent
a lot more time complianing on here than I ever wanted to, I let my
misfortunes and anger get the best of me. I spent more years than I'd
care to admit hiding my deepest fear. On the outside I was happy, grateful, and thankful for everything that has brought me to where I am today. Deep down, I
spent too long wondering if I was going to be alright
For the past year or so, whenever something bad has happened, and
someone has asked me "are you alright?" I simply have said "yeah,
nothing anyone could do or say to me can make me feel any worse than I
already have." I'd get blank stares, and both would carry on. I joke
about it alot, cause laughter has always been my best medicine, but for
the first 16 years of my life, I spent so much time at doctors, in
hospitals, with tubes in me, on medicines, with wires attached to me
than anyone that young should have to
I struggled inside as to why I couldn't be like other kids; why I
couldn't be like them. Eventually the times of tears turned into an
internal conflict. When I was 15 and was scheduled to go visit my
doctor, I went into the room with tears in my eyes, and I told him I
was done. I was so sick of being hooked up and tested like a lab mouse.
I told him I'd rather just live with whatever problem I was having,
even if it meant I died in a year. At that time I felt withdrawn
inside, I lost faith, I lost everything, I felt empty inside, I already
felt dead. The only thing that seem to hurt worse at that time was
watching my mom cry after telling my doctor this. I have yet to come
even close to feeling any worse than I did that day; having no faith,
no hope, just emptiness.
The reason I'm leaving this blog with that story is for one reason, all
of you. All of you who read this, and don't read this. For all of you,
my family and friends who stood by me through the good and bad. For
everyone who left an impression in my life. For everyone who never gave
up on me, that believed in me; for making me who I am today. For being
taught how to love and be loved, and to fight for all that's important
in your heart. For everyone who's seen me grow from an kid to an adult
over these 6 years...
In 6 years I've seen my darkest day, and to the present, I feel more
content with my outlook on life, and in myself, than I ever have.
This is how it's supose to be, this is what it feels like to go out on top...
written anything significant in my journal for many months. I plan on
checking in from time to time to read friends posts and communities,
but this will be my last personal post. This being my 6th year on
livejournal, I figure I'd leave with something worthwhile.
When I started this journal, I was 15 and a freshman in high school.
Being a kid, nothing really makes sense, and having an online blog to
vent and have people comment was very benefitial. Throughout the past 6
years, I spent a good deal of time talking about love, life, sorrow,
and anger. This blog in realitiy has been a timeline that has allowed
me to go back and see how I've grown; triumpthed and faultered. I spent
a lot more time complianing on here than I ever wanted to, I let my
misfortunes and anger get the best of me. I spent more years than I'd
care to admit hiding my deepest fear. On the outside I was happy, grateful, and thankful for everything that has brought me to where I am today. Deep down, I
spent too long wondering if I was going to be alright
For the past year or so, whenever something bad has happened, and
someone has asked me "are you alright?" I simply have said "yeah,
nothing anyone could do or say to me can make me feel any worse than I
already have." I'd get blank stares, and both would carry on. I joke
about it alot, cause laughter has always been my best medicine, but for
the first 16 years of my life, I spent so much time at doctors, in
hospitals, with tubes in me, on medicines, with wires attached to me
than anyone that young should have to
I struggled inside as to why I couldn't be like other kids; why I
couldn't be like them. Eventually the times of tears turned into an
internal conflict. When I was 15 and was scheduled to go visit my
doctor, I went into the room with tears in my eyes, and I told him I
was done. I was so sick of being hooked up and tested like a lab mouse.
I told him I'd rather just live with whatever problem I was having,
even if it meant I died in a year. At that time I felt withdrawn
inside, I lost faith, I lost everything, I felt empty inside, I already
felt dead. The only thing that seem to hurt worse at that time was
watching my mom cry after telling my doctor this. I have yet to come
even close to feeling any worse than I did that day; having no faith,
no hope, just emptiness.
The reason I'm leaving this blog with that story is for one reason, all
of you. All of you who read this, and don't read this. For all of you,
my family and friends who stood by me through the good and bad. For
everyone who left an impression in my life. For everyone who never gave
up on me, that believed in me; for making me who I am today. For being
taught how to love and be loved, and to fight for all that's important
in your heart. For everyone who's seen me grow from an kid to an adult
over these 6 years...
In 6 years I've seen my darkest day, and to the present, I feel more
content with my outlook on life, and in myself, than I ever have.
This is how it's supose to be, this is what it feels like to go out on top...