Random Letters from the mind of Nell
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Man Who stopped on right-of-way:
Listen here jerk! There are other people on the road. Yes, she was cute in her cutoff shorts and halter top, but seriously!? Coming to a complete stop to let a chick cross the road during rush hour traffic is NOT going to get you laid! Did she jump in your vehicle? That's what I thought. Next time, keep moving!
With barely controlled road rage,
the fat b*tch in the car behind you
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Lazy co-worker:
I know that it stresses you out to actually do what it is you get paid for, but it would be REALLY nice if you were to at least attempt to carry your weight. The rest of us are getting kind of tired.
It also does not earn you brownie points to send email with CC to EVERYone when you're asked to do something you don't feel like doing.
Be careful! Employee evaluations are coming up.
Thanking the fact that it's FRIDAY,
Nell
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Smelly family member:
Ughm, you smell REALLY bad. In fact, the smell starts before you open the front door. Did something die? Are you collecting turds to burn for heat? What gives? The flies were flocking around you because they recognized the odor of sh*t. They were trying to figure out where to land.
Yes, the windows were open instead of the AC running. I was NOT going to sit in an enclosed vehicle with THAT smell. It took DAYS for the smell to dissipate.
These days we have running water that comes INTO the house...in pipes. You don't even have to go out and bring it back in buckets. Imagine that. Oh, and there's this nifty invention called SOAP. Not only does it make you smell good, it kills germs. Multi-functional goodness in an itty bitty package!
There is no reason for an able-bodies adult to smell like that unless they are homeless. Wait, I WAS homeless and didn't smell like that. Not only that, but I'm F-A-T so that I have to r-e-a-c-h to clean parts of myself, and yet...I manage to smell nice.
HONESTLY! What gives??? I'm so glad we don't live in the same house. I'd have to move out.
With Febreezy love......
Non-smelly Nelly
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LOUD Upstairs neighbor:
I know a LOT about you, but I don't know what you look like. I think if I ever found out who you were, I'd laugh out loud.
What I'd LIKE to know is if you realize that you live in an apartment complex with paper thin walls. I can hear you FART for crying out loud.
Your phone conversations are NOT private.
Neither are your sexual encounters.
Here's a few hints. WD40 works wonders on squeaky beds. Turn on the radio - (it also helps those with rhythm problems). Bathroom noises get amplified and echoed......just imagine what your howls sounded like. GREENPEACE must have been on the way.
Please learn some restraint - or at the very least volume control.
With heavy eyelids.....
your downstairs neighbor
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cook-out dude:
While I thank you for inviting me to your cookout, I will not be attending another.
It is NOT customary to ask the GUEST to bring the meat while you supply the buns. [no, it was NOT that kind of cookout you filth-brains]. Had you asked me to bring EITHER hot dogs or hamburger meat, I would have no issue. However, you recited a list of what you wanted.
In the faith that all the side dishes and drinks would be provided I happily purchased the meat...and the lettuce/tomato/onion/mustard/mayo/ketchup for the burgers. Oh, I also bought soda and chips. Hmm....was *I* throwing this cookout party?
I thought it was going to be a rather small gathering of perhaps 6 people. Had I known that you had invited the entire block, and that I wouldn't get the opportunity to EAT any of the purchased meat...well, I would have told you exactly which road to hell you should have taken.
Angrily!
sitting at home saving money Nell
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Nell's body:
Must you choose the ONE week that the weather is decent to attack me with an infection so severe that I am bedridden? MUST YOU?
I HATE YOU! I CURSE YOU!
I hope you feel better soon. I don't like you when you're cranky!
patiently taking antibiotics,
Nell
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VERY cute asian guy with adorable puppy:
Please walk down the sidewalk in front of our apartment. Please.
Between your gorgeousness and your puppy's cuteness you can make ANY day a holiday.
I've needed you this week, just to bring me back from the brink. Thank you for being there and not even knowing how you've helped me.
Bless you,
Adoringly,
Nell
Man Who stopped on right-of-way:
Listen here jerk! There are other people on the road. Yes, she was cute in her cutoff shorts and halter top, but seriously!? Coming to a complete stop to let a chick cross the road during rush hour traffic is NOT going to get you laid! Did she jump in your vehicle? That's what I thought. Next time, keep moving!
With barely controlled road rage,
the fat b*tch in the car behind you
--------------------------------
Lazy co-worker:
I know that it stresses you out to actually do what it is you get paid for, but it would be REALLY nice if you were to at least attempt to carry your weight. The rest of us are getting kind of tired.
It also does not earn you brownie points to send email with CC to EVERYone when you're asked to do something you don't feel like doing.
Be careful! Employee evaluations are coming up.
Thanking the fact that it's FRIDAY,
Nell
----------------------------------
Smelly family member:
Ughm, you smell REALLY bad. In fact, the smell starts before you open the front door. Did something die? Are you collecting turds to burn for heat? What gives? The flies were flocking around you because they recognized the odor of sh*t. They were trying to figure out where to land.
Yes, the windows were open instead of the AC running. I was NOT going to sit in an enclosed vehicle with THAT smell. It took DAYS for the smell to dissipate.
These days we have running water that comes INTO the house...in pipes. You don't even have to go out and bring it back in buckets. Imagine that. Oh, and there's this nifty invention called SOAP. Not only does it make you smell good, it kills germs. Multi-functional goodness in an itty bitty package!
There is no reason for an able-bodies adult to smell like that unless they are homeless. Wait, I WAS homeless and didn't smell like that. Not only that, but I'm F-A-T so that I have to r-e-a-c-h to clean parts of myself, and yet...I manage to smell nice.
HONESTLY! What gives??? I'm so glad we don't live in the same house. I'd have to move out.
With Febreezy love......
Non-smelly Nelly
---------------------------------------
LOUD Upstairs neighbor:
I know a LOT about you, but I don't know what you look like. I think if I ever found out who you were, I'd laugh out loud.
What I'd LIKE to know is if you realize that you live in an apartment complex with paper thin walls. I can hear you FART for crying out loud.
Your phone conversations are NOT private.
Neither are your sexual encounters.
Here's a few hints. WD40 works wonders on squeaky beds. Turn on the radio - (it also helps those with rhythm problems). Bathroom noises get amplified and echoed......just imagine what your howls sounded like. GREENPEACE must have been on the way.
Please learn some restraint - or at the very least volume control.
With heavy eyelids.....
your downstairs neighbor
---------------------------------------------
cook-out dude:
While I thank you for inviting me to your cookout, I will not be attending another.
It is NOT customary to ask the GUEST to bring the meat while you supply the buns. [no, it was NOT that kind of cookout you filth-brains]. Had you asked me to bring EITHER hot dogs or hamburger meat, I would have no issue. However, you recited a list of what you wanted.
In the faith that all the side dishes and drinks would be provided I happily purchased the meat...and the lettuce/tomato/onion/mustard/mayo/ketchup for the burgers. Oh, I also bought soda and chips. Hmm....was *I* throwing this cookout party?
I thought it was going to be a rather small gathering of perhaps 6 people. Had I known that you had invited the entire block, and that I wouldn't get the opportunity to EAT any of the purchased meat...well, I would have told you exactly which road to hell you should have taken.
Angrily!
sitting at home saving money Nell
-----------------------------------------------
Nell's body:
Must you choose the ONE week that the weather is decent to attack me with an infection so severe that I am bedridden? MUST YOU?
I HATE YOU! I CURSE YOU!
I hope you feel better soon. I don't like you when you're cranky!
patiently taking antibiotics,
Nell
--------------------------------------
VERY cute asian guy with adorable puppy:
Please walk down the sidewalk in front of our apartment. Please.
Between your gorgeousness and your puppy's cuteness you can make ANY day a holiday.
I've needed you this week, just to bring me back from the brink. Thank you for being there and not even knowing how you've helped me.
Bless you,
Adoringly,
Nell