I'm not dead yet!
It’s been quite some time since I last posted. I thought it only fair to give an update, just to squash any thoughts of my demise.
THE MOVE:
The move to the new apartment went. Just went. The movers left early, we got stuck moving half the junk ourselves. DD had to go to work before it was all done. I had to finish. The next morning we woke to a blanket of snow. I had to clean the old apartment alone, DD had to work again. The end turned out all right though. We are moved in, over half the boxes are unpacked, and the place is starting to look like a home instead of a storage building.
JOB:
After my annual employee review (aka interrogation and dissection) I received great news. I not only was allowed to stay on board, but was given a 5% raise. This is something practically unheard of in the company. Their typical pay raise is 1%-2%. I’ve been sent emails from people in branches as far as California congratulating me on making the “honor roll” of employees. I have to say, it’s the very first time that I’ve felt so welcome in the workplace. I’ve worked VERY hard to get to where I am, it’s just wonderful to be noticed for it. Now, I’m not saying that I don’t like my job. I do like it. I just wish I did more of what I did originally. Maybe someday I’ll get back to it. Right now I’m just glad that I HAVE a job, and that it’s secure for the time being.
FURNITURE:
Now that we’re in the new place, it’s time to start collecting furniture. I wasn’t in such a hurry for it in the old place. Both DD and I knew we weren’t going to stay in a 1-bedroom. It just wasn’t practical. So, in order to keep us from having to move it, we held off on buying anything furniture wise. We truly lived out of boxes for the most part. Well, the last few weeks we’ve bought some items. We now have 3 bookcases put together, so about 1/3 of our books have a home. **grin** I had a couch on layaway, it’s in the apartment now. Surprisingly, it makes the old crappy couch we have look almost nice. I have a dining room set on layaway. Only 4 more payments (or 2 if I double up) and it’s coming home. Once it’s in place, I can start having people over ‘cause we’ll have a place to sit!!!
SOCIAL:
I’ve been making plans to try and expand my social base. I don’t have any friends. I make it a point to keep my work life and my personal life separated. It’s just something that I feel I have to do. Some people don’t need to keep their lives in little “boxes” like that, but for me it keeps me from having to worry that some crazy rumor will go through the cubicles about what I did over the weekend. **shrug** Just sayin’!
Anyhow, my plan involves inviting people I’ve met over for game night. I used to LOVE playing board games, and although I own several, they have been closed up so long that there are probably spiders nesting inside the boxes. DD is excited by this as well. She has already extended invitations to the coworkers that she likes to join us. We figure one night a month, 4 to 8 people, keeping at under 3 hours. I was thinking like a Wednesday night around 7-10, playing scrabble. Everyone can bring their own snacks, and we can rotate games. We all get out of our rut for a little while, and we’ll end up having a little fun along the way. I hope it all works out, because…….
EMO ME:
I’m so darn lonely. I can’t even put into words how lonely. It’s so bad that it hurts when I see other people happy. I want someone to share my happiness with. I want someone to share my worry with. I want someone to talk about the fate of the world with. The only person in my life right now is my daughter. Let’s face it, there are some things that I really can’t (and shouldn’t) discuss with DD. She’s wonderful. She’s helpful. She’s insightful. But she’s not my psychologist or therapist. She has a life of her own, and I’m FINALLY letting her live it. So, if I can just find one person to call when I have something to say, it would be great. Who knows, I might find a best friend out of all this!
I’ve seen that DD is struggling with her emotions lately as well. I don’t know if it’s the weather, the time of year, her coworkers, or just another broken heart. She’s not sharing with me, and it’s her choice. **shrug** I love her, and I hope she knows that. I can’t force her to talk to me, and if it would make her uncomfortable, it would be worse for her to.
People keep asking me if I’m going to stick around. I don’t really have an answer. My life is better now that it’s ever been, but I’m not happy. I cry myself to sleep so often that I don’t even mark the days any more. I don’t have anything to complain about, it’s just that I miss the things that I took for granted for so long.
HOMESICK:
Lately I’ve been missing my “old” life more and more. It was so beautiful. The people were warm-hearted. The cost of living was lower. I miss knowing my way around the back roads. I miss being able to visit an old friend for coffee (or beer) for no reason. I miss the rain. I miss the rolling thunder. I knew all the places to go to make my heart stop screaming in pain. There are no alligators to go visit here, unless I pay to go to a zoo. I can’t just hop in my car, drive to the woods that I’m familiar with, sit with the windows open and listen to the owls call back and forth. Gosh, I miss just being able to go sit by the water FOR FREE just to relax. I … I just miss home.
I don’t have a job anywhere else. I have to make money to survive. It’s what keeps me here. Truly, it’s the ONLY reason I’m here. If I were to be able to find a job making comparable money back in Alabama, I would hightail it back there so quick I’d give myself whiplash. Even though I SWORE that I wouldn’t move again unless I NEEDED to (this last move was a nightmare), I would take that statement back and eat it like crow…if only I could go back.
The things that enticed me to move up here were all illusions. I was lied to, misled, conned, and in all other ways deceived. I gave up what I had for the unknown, for a taste of family. I’ve gotten the taste of family, and I have decided that friends and REAL family - the ones that take you into their arms and love you for YOU, are the true gifts in this life. I just wish I could have seen that before I tore DD away from her only home.
I’m going to bed tonight with one hope - that I will find some happiness in the fog of my present.