[Just Leave It.]
It is becoming increasingly hard to just stand still while feeling like I'm being constantly prodded or even outright attacked on every level imaginable it seems. I have tried, or it feels like I have tried, at most every turn to take the higher ground and not get lost in some vacuum of awfulness that only ever results in a sickening spiral. When I was unable or simply unwilling to do choose a more noble path I feel like I almost immediately tried to make amends for whatever it was that I had said or done to cause any harm. I have become a notorious Remover of Journal Entries because of this and I'd wager that a good percentage of my latest posts might hold some record for the shortest shelf life ever. I have learned that it is surely beneficial to vent frustration or hurt in a written environment as opposed to some other more destructive avenues but anger is simply a biological function that only holds a benefit when used in a more immediate way and it becomes something that will invariably do very real harm when left alone for any amount of time.
When our bodies feel anger it is for a reason and is of Very Real Use when we need to establish boundaries or protect ourselves or our loved ones from harm and things like that. Our bodies are very kick-ass that way and when the occasion arises our bodies send out some of these fancy chemicals that get us amped up and in a state to deal with a serious problem that we have encountered. We go into this self-preservation mode and it's all about fight or flight. That is all. Since our bodies are really just designed ultimately save our lives then it has to be that simple, that black and white. When we are angry our bodies can only accept and allow one of those two choices. Just those two choices and nothing else beyond that. When you come face to face with, say, a mugger trying to take your pocketbook And just now. Immediately. So when we hold onto that anger and let things that are in the past become a prologue for us then we become angry when reminded of some past pain or slight or outright wrong that we feel we have endured. So, just like it's designed to, our bodies send out more fancy chemicals to prepare us for the only thing that it knows to do in those frenzied moments. Yup. Fight or flight. Because although it is one of the most amazing machines ever it is still pretty stupid on some levels and our body just cannot tell the difference between the anger that we are feeling right now and the anger that we are feeling because of the way our mother treated us when we were kids. When it comes down to it our bodies have a lot better things to be doing then reading or writing in some bullshit journal. It has more important things to do. Like breathing, maybe. So wondering if this anger that it's suddenly feeling is because you are It's just not a part of its goddam job description, you see? It just knows that you are feeling the anger and that it needs to gear up to save your life and that means fight or flight. Knuckle up or get the fuck outta' there as fast as you can. Nothing in between. And this saved up anger is just fucking useless. It can serve to purpose other than to make us feel all pissed off. Our anger gets all dressed up and has no place to go and it gets seriously frustrated when this happens. And this pissed-off and directionless frustration that stems from our own orphaned anger suddenly turns against us. More harm than good, for sure.
So the hurt we feel just has to be rectified or repaired or removed somehow. It has to be dealt with in some productive way unless that unaccounted for hurt grow up into anger that gets stored away only to jump out at some later time when, again, it only can do harm to ourselves. So with that in mind I do feel like I can honestly say that I have tried to hold myself accountable for my own faults and failures and that I have made every attempt to allow room for the same. I have made apologies and amends in every area of my life and I know that it has been helpful because I know that I feel better for it. I also know that part of this whole concept relies pretty heavily on the idea that any negative sentiments or actions or ideas need to be surgically removed or deflected before they hit the ground in the first place.
All of this hippie nonsense aside I know for certain that I have been trying very hard to hold myself to that standard in every area of my life. At most every turn I have let it be known to anyone that would ever listen that I do not want to add any further hurt to this already hurtful situation. It's pretty safe to say that even when I do get overcome by anger I don't let it stand for very long before I recognize it and try to set things right. I believe the same sentiment is ultimately shared by everyone. We all would just like to live in peace and nobody wants to get hurt or have their feelings trampled. Still, regardless of what a person says or not it is increasingly difficult to put faith in such an idea when there is obvious evidence to support the contrary. It is impossible to achieve a significant level of peace and happiness when negativity still remains or is, worse still, invited in again.
Just letting things go is tough and it takes a lot of work and time to get to that point. Communication is something that helps beyond hope. It can be the saving grace in a situation and it can possibly if not quickly and oftentimes easily deflect most any sort of hurt or misunderstanding. This is a tough thing to do, I know, and it does take a lot of work. Admitting your faults and asking for forgiveness and seeing the situation from all points of view is huge. And it becomes almost an impossible feat when one person is unable or unwilling to put forth the effort. [This can go many ways and I don't intend to apply any blame at all. I'm just acknowledging that unless everyone is on the same page the whole notion is just shot.] Getting to this point of real communication is a monumental effort for sure but the benefit, for me at least, far outweighs the risk. I have seen both sides to this idea and I know the same thing that Abraham Lincoln knew: "When I do good I feel good. When I do bad I feel bad. That is my religion," And the risk really only amounts to more badness and all the rest of the bullshit that comes bundled up with that so I know that the decision to truly abandon all of this Bad Craziness regardless of what may come is just the best option. And besides, we should try for that. We should be that brave. To just let go of the animosity and hatred that we might feel inside of our heart. It's easy to find something negative to hyper-focus on and I know that all you have to do is throw a rock in the air and it'll land on someone guilty of something. But to look beyond all of that and to strip away all of the sharp objects, so to speak, leaving nothing lay about that might cut into us and just get past it all to a place of real, true peace is probably the best bet all around. I never did, and still don't, see how slamming the door closed leaving hurt and anger and negativity behind is of any real benefit. Quite the contrary. It can only do us harm.
I am tired and I am weary and I don't have the energy to continue to deflect or perpetuate anymore negativity.
When our bodies feel anger it is for a reason and is of Very Real Use when we need to establish boundaries or protect ourselves or our loved ones from harm and things like that. Our bodies are very kick-ass that way and when the occasion arises our bodies send out some of these fancy chemicals that get us amped up and in a state to deal with a serious problem that we have encountered. We go into this self-preservation mode and it's all about fight or flight. That is all. Since our bodies are really just designed ultimately save our lives then it has to be that simple, that black and white. When we are angry our bodies can only accept and allow one of those two choices. Just those two choices and nothing else beyond that. When you come face to face with, say, a mugger trying to take your pocketbook And just now. Immediately. So when we hold onto that anger and let things that are in the past become a prologue for us then we become angry when reminded of some past pain or slight or outright wrong that we feel we have endured. So, just like it's designed to, our bodies send out more fancy chemicals to prepare us for the only thing that it knows to do in those frenzied moments. Yup. Fight or flight. Because although it is one of the most amazing machines ever it is still pretty stupid on some levels and our body just cannot tell the difference between the anger that we are feeling right now and the anger that we are feeling because of the way our mother treated us when we were kids. When it comes down to it our bodies have a lot better things to be doing then reading or writing in some bullshit journal. It has more important things to do. Like breathing, maybe. So wondering if this anger that it's suddenly feeling is because you are It's just not a part of its goddam job description, you see? It just knows that you are feeling the anger and that it needs to gear up to save your life and that means fight or flight. Knuckle up or get the fuck outta' there as fast as you can. Nothing in between. And this saved up anger is just fucking useless. It can serve to purpose other than to make us feel all pissed off. Our anger gets all dressed up and has no place to go and it gets seriously frustrated when this happens. And this pissed-off and directionless frustration that stems from our own orphaned anger suddenly turns against us. More harm than good, for sure.
So the hurt we feel just has to be rectified or repaired or removed somehow. It has to be dealt with in some productive way unless that unaccounted for hurt grow up into anger that gets stored away only to jump out at some later time when, again, it only can do harm to ourselves. So with that in mind I do feel like I can honestly say that I have tried to hold myself accountable for my own faults and failures and that I have made every attempt to allow room for the same. I have made apologies and amends in every area of my life and I know that it has been helpful because I know that I feel better for it. I also know that part of this whole concept relies pretty heavily on the idea that any negative sentiments or actions or ideas need to be surgically removed or deflected before they hit the ground in the first place.
All of this hippie nonsense aside I know for certain that I have been trying very hard to hold myself to that standard in every area of my life. At most every turn I have let it be known to anyone that would ever listen that I do not want to add any further hurt to this already hurtful situation. It's pretty safe to say that even when I do get overcome by anger I don't let it stand for very long before I recognize it and try to set things right. I believe the same sentiment is ultimately shared by everyone. We all would just like to live in peace and nobody wants to get hurt or have their feelings trampled. Still, regardless of what a person says or not it is increasingly difficult to put faith in such an idea when there is obvious evidence to support the contrary. It is impossible to achieve a significant level of peace and happiness when negativity still remains or is, worse still, invited in again.
Just letting things go is tough and it takes a lot of work and time to get to that point. Communication is something that helps beyond hope. It can be the saving grace in a situation and it can possibly if not quickly and oftentimes easily deflect most any sort of hurt or misunderstanding. This is a tough thing to do, I know, and it does take a lot of work. Admitting your faults and asking for forgiveness and seeing the situation from all points of view is huge. And it becomes almost an impossible feat when one person is unable or unwilling to put forth the effort. [This can go many ways and I don't intend to apply any blame at all. I'm just acknowledging that unless everyone is on the same page the whole notion is just shot.] Getting to this point of real communication is a monumental effort for sure but the benefit, for me at least, far outweighs the risk. I have seen both sides to this idea and I know the same thing that Abraham Lincoln knew: "When I do good I feel good. When I do bad I feel bad. That is my religion," And the risk really only amounts to more badness and all the rest of the bullshit that comes bundled up with that so I know that the decision to truly abandon all of this Bad Craziness regardless of what may come is just the best option. And besides, we should try for that. We should be that brave. To just let go of the animosity and hatred that we might feel inside of our heart. It's easy to find something negative to hyper-focus on and I know that all you have to do is throw a rock in the air and it'll land on someone guilty of something. But to look beyond all of that and to strip away all of the sharp objects, so to speak, leaving nothing lay about that might cut into us and just get past it all to a place of real, true peace is probably the best bet all around. I never did, and still don't, see how slamming the door closed leaving hurt and anger and negativity behind is of any real benefit. Quite the contrary. It can only do us harm.
I am tired and I am weary and I don't have the energy to continue to deflect or perpetuate anymore negativity.