If I were a deadly sin, I'd be envy.

[forlornabsconda]

I'm too jealous for my own good. I hate it...I really fucking hate it. Even when I was young, I always wanted to be the best. I couldn't stand it when people were better or got more attention than I did. I never wanted to be myself. I always acted like a character from a movie. I still do it...wishing I was Tomb Raider or Xena or any other strong-willed woman. I guess maybe it has something to do with me not thinking I can be like that...me not liking who I really am. Me wanting to be more than I'll ever be. Me wanting all of the attention. I've managed to suppress some of these feelings but much of it is still there.

When we were waiting for the dance to start, this one girl was talking about how in her house people walk around naked. How it doesn't bother her when her father sees her. I found it weird...I wish I could be that open. I wish I wasn't afraid of men seeing me. If things hadn't happened when I was so young, maybe I wouldn't have been affected. Maybe I wouldn't be so afraid. Maybe I wouldn't have such a large fear of men.

I wish for once I could have a guy to dance with when a slow song comes on.

Farewell.