the scortched rose bud, withdrawls its petals for the protection of the leaves...
my mind is a blur these days.
he and i are never satisfied with eachother, we both seem to always be expecting so much more out of one another, then the other is willing to give.
we always seems to be competing with one another, for who has hurt who more, who has gone out of their way more, who has put forth more effort.
it seems so silly, but i read an astrology book which crosses two people's birthdays to establish wha their relationship would be like...and it read for ours, that competetivity would destroy everything, if we were not careful.
this is such a horrible feeling, the one person i have let within my walls the farthest, done the most for and the only person i want to really see, and be held by...is the one person i want to see the least.
early this summer, when i broke his trust i assured him i understood it taking a while to rebuild his trust in me.
but four months ofworking so hard, and achieving so little...
this is becomeing so draining, exhausting actually.
so i told him i need to withdraw myself from him for a while, pull back, pull out...i can't allow myself to be so open with him, towards him, when letting my every inner inch show is getting me nothing but wounded (without skin in my defense)
his reply was that if it is to the degree that it was last winter...he wouldn;t beable to stand it, and would be out of the picture...
and as horrible as that was to hear...i felt like saying, "that's what i'm saying...if the trust and security doesn;t start comming around, i'm out...i can;t take it much longer, its soo tiring, it consumes me too often too deeply. i'm sick of so many things.
i'm sick.
i'm tired of feeling numb each night, whenever he is upset with me.
i'm tired of not having the body i want.
i'm tired of working for the body i want.
i'm tired.
i'm mad that he was annoyed that i would be out of town, possibly, for valentine's day...
and came back with he may be out of town this weekend,,,
we only see eachother on the weekends...and he's going to new york.
although after our arguement, i wold him he should go.
not only do i have a few projects and things to do this weekend, that will interfere with our time together, but at this point, i don't reall want to miss any more work, sacrifice anything at all to see him.
maybe it would be better if we weren;t around each other so much.
i let myself love him, deeply love him
and he wears gloves.
this rose, this dark orange rose blossomed infront of him, after he tickled it awake, it blossomed infront of him, and
he threw a thorn, shed from its stem, at it's pedals...
and is bitter at the retraction of the beauty.
that would be ana amazing painting.
he and i are never satisfied with eachother, we both seem to always be expecting so much more out of one another, then the other is willing to give.
we always seems to be competing with one another, for who has hurt who more, who has gone out of their way more, who has put forth more effort.
it seems so silly, but i read an astrology book which crosses two people's birthdays to establish wha their relationship would be like...and it read for ours, that competetivity would destroy everything, if we were not careful.
this is such a horrible feeling, the one person i have let within my walls the farthest, done the most for and the only person i want to really see, and be held by...is the one person i want to see the least.
early this summer, when i broke his trust i assured him i understood it taking a while to rebuild his trust in me.
but four months ofworking so hard, and achieving so little...
this is becomeing so draining, exhausting actually.
so i told him i need to withdraw myself from him for a while, pull back, pull out...i can't allow myself to be so open with him, towards him, when letting my every inner inch show is getting me nothing but wounded (without skin in my defense)
his reply was that if it is to the degree that it was last winter...he wouldn;t beable to stand it, and would be out of the picture...
and as horrible as that was to hear...i felt like saying, "that's what i'm saying...if the trust and security doesn;t start comming around, i'm out...i can;t take it much longer, its soo tiring, it consumes me too often too deeply. i'm sick of so many things.
i'm sick.
i'm tired of feeling numb each night, whenever he is upset with me.
i'm tired of not having the body i want.
i'm tired of working for the body i want.
i'm tired.
i'm mad that he was annoyed that i would be out of town, possibly, for valentine's day...
and came back with he may be out of town this weekend,,,
we only see eachother on the weekends...and he's going to new york.
although after our arguement, i wold him he should go.
not only do i have a few projects and things to do this weekend, that will interfere with our time together, but at this point, i don't reall want to miss any more work, sacrifice anything at all to see him.
maybe it would be better if we weren;t around each other so much.
i let myself love him, deeply love him
and he wears gloves.
this rose, this dark orange rose blossomed infront of him, after he tickled it awake, it blossomed infront of him, and
he threw a thorn, shed from its stem, at it's pedals...
and is bitter at the retraction of the beauty.
that would be ana amazing painting.