(for junxiety) Until I Met You [2/3]

[forkadionly]

It was the next day when Kyungsoo returned to the café to resume his routine. It was sunnier than usual, but the wind was merciless as he rushed to the café with puffs of cloudy air forming when he exhaled past rosy lips. Heat enveloped his body immediately when he pushed the doors open. He was about to order when he suddenly paused mid-sentence to ask Sehun a question.

“You and Jongin know each other pretty well right?”

“Yeah, we’re practically childhood friends like I mentioned before, why?” Sehun questioned, curiosity lacing his words while he wiped a glass far more than necessary.

“It’s just, well, is there something wrong with him? He falls asleep everywhere and anywhere, and a moment later he won’t even remember doing so.”

“Oh, that. You should ask him about it yourself. I’m sorry.” Sehun grinned and he proceeded to wipe the counter as well.

Kyungsoo’s mind lingered on the response he had been given, and he thanked Sehun before making his way back to his seat.

Jongin wasn’t there yet, and it bothered Kyungsoo a bit that he wasn’t here as per usual. He was unable to focus by the time it was noon with the sun glimmering high in the sky. Jongin still hadn’t arrived, which to say in the least was weird.

A frown formed on his face, tugging his lips down as he glanced out of the café’s glossy windows. But soon enough, Jongin burst through the front doors completely out of breath.

“Kyungsoo hyung!” Jongin called, patting down his mop of chestnut brown hair, face flushed from how he had clearly run all the way here, if the way he panted and paused by the door to catch his breath was anything to go by.

“Hi.” Kyungsoo murmured as he gazed at Jongin’s appearance, who was adorning a simple hoodie, faded ripped jeans and black converses- an appearance Kyungsoo was not one bit accustomed to, but if he was shocked- it certainly didn’t show on his face.

“Sorry I’m late.” Jongin hastily apologized, setting down his belongings.

“It’s alright.” Kyungsoo mumbled, “Where were you?”

“Oh...I had an appointment…” Jongin trailed off, becoming rather quiet.

“Okay..” Kyungsoo didn't say anything more. They remained silent like they usually were, with Kyungsoo working on his novel, and Jongin reading another one of his fancy books with the obscure titles Kyungsoo still couldn’t place.

As the days passed, Jongin’s presence by his side became a given. The younger started to make it a daily routine to drop by Kyungsoo’s house on the weekends, to which Kyungsoo made his disapproval abundantly clear. Things were moved around and Jongin started to settle in one article of clothing or object at a time. Kyungsoo would notice little signs of his presence everywhere - when he left one of his books nestled between the couch cushions, or a jacket slung over the armrest, something that annoyed Kyungsoo who especially was a small neat freak. There were also less visible signs of him - the smell of his aromatic cologne lingering even after he had left the flat, or Kyungsoo imagining the sound of his airy and unique laughter.

He also seemed to have started to take the space for his own, and it annoyed Kyungsoo slightly. The way he draped himself across the sofa, taking up nearly all of it like he owned the damn thing (although Kyungsoo might just be annoyed because of how not attractive it is when Jongin's shirt rode up when he did that). He also just walked into the kitchen now, and opened the fridge whenever he pleased, having the audacity to eat the leftovers without Kyungsoo’s permission. Kyungsoo thought that if he forgot to lock his door one day, Jongin would just waltz in without permission, and only inform him of his presence an hour into his visit. Kyungsoo made extra sure to lock his doors from then on.

They were currently both sitting on Kyungsoo’s black, leather couch, with Jongin hugging one of the pillows tightly and sprawled all over the place.

“We need to redecorate your house.” he commented as he looked across the plainness of the living room. “Everything here screams black, black, and even more black or ‘hi I’m a different shade of black’ Honestly.”

“What the hell? No. My house is perfect the way it is!” Kyungsoo hissed as he moved past the back of the couch on the way to do laundry.

Jongin, who had become bored by now, went into the kitchen to salvage some food.

“Kyungsoo, where are the bowls?” Jongin whined, a cereal box in hand.

“Cereal at 5 Jongin? What the hell?” Kyungsoo groaned as he made his way where the other was. “Nevermind. I’ll get it.”

The only problem was that the bowls were actually on the top shelf and that was because he usually never used them. This proved to be a problem even though Kyungsoo wasn’t that short really. He was the average height for a Korean man. It was just that the damn shelf was too high.

So, with much reluctance, Kyungsoo heaved himself halfway onto the smooth and cold marble counters and reached upward for the ceramic bowls.

He was only a fingertip away. Shit.

Kyungsoo heaved himself up again trying to just go for it, and his face became flushed when he felt Jongin’s gaze burning into his back.

A chuckle erupted from behind him, and he turned to see Jongin regarding him curiously.

“Can you reach it?” He taunted.

“Will you shut the hell up? I’m getting it.” Kyungsoo huffed

Humiliation was an understatement for what Kyungsoo felt in that moment. Jongin couldn’t watch it any longer, even though it was an adorable sight to see. He leaned right up against Kyungsoo, body heat seeping through Kyungsoo’s thin shirt, and with his strong, tanned arms, he was able to reach the bowl easily. Kyungsoo jolted from Jongin’s breath fanning out over his neck, and the other man noticed his reaction instantly.

"Are you perhaps ticklish?" Jongin said with a playful glint in his eyes.

Kyungsoo stiffened immediately, and he slowly backed away while snarling, "No what makes you think- Jongin I swear I will break your fucking hand if you-"

Kyungsoo didn’t finish his sentence, because in the next moment Jongin attacked him, and he was too late to avoid it.

Loud peals of laughter were pulled from Kyungsoo’s mouth, and he gasped for air like his life depended on it. His cheeks ached especially, from smiling too much, and he thrashed around as Jongin mercilessly tickled his sides.

"Stop-stop!" Kyungsoo pleaded.

Jongin grinned as he stopped his ministrations and took in Kyungsoo's flushed state with heavy breathing.

"Your lips," Jongin commented, "did you know they make a heart shape when you smile?" And he placed a single finger on them.

Kyungsoo blushed unwillingly. "Shut up, you fat ass."

That was when he realized their compromising position.

Jongin was on top of Kyungsoo with his legs on either side of the other’s body. They were on the ground, the aftermath due to Kyungsoo whose legs gave out when he attempted to escape his assailant.

Jongin’s cheeks were now a light pinkish hue from laughing rather hard at Kyungsoo earlier and he gulped visibly when he noticed Jongin was staring at him, lips in a stunning smile. It was the first time Kyungsoo was far too close to the man’s face, and that was when he acknowledged Jongin’s sharp and chiseled jaw, the thin wispy nature of his long lashes that delicately fluttered when he blinked, the little endearing unnoticeable bump on the bridge of his nose, and that was when he made his way to the male’s lips. They were so full, so enticing, appearing to be so delectable as they slightly puckered, breaths fanning onto Kyungsoo’s fully red face. He snapped his thoughts out quickly when he realized what he was exactly engrossed in and hurriedly pushed the male above him off, none-too-gently. He then brushed off the dust and dirt off of his clothes that he presumed was there.

“Oww.” Jongin whined, to which Kyungsoo’s response was to tell Jongin to just suck it up.

Jongin didn’t stay long this time. He left early with the excuse of an appointment he had to get to, and so Kyungsoo gladly let him out. He then quickly went into his office to continue where he left off on his document, not letting his mind think of Jongin and how close they had been.

Kyungsoo was dressed comfortably to go out today, and he left a note for Jongin on the front door, slapping it there to make sure it stuck. I’m going shopping for food because some fat ass has been eating all of it. I wonder who it could be? Anyways, stay put, and do not, do not touch anything. Kyungsoo pressed the pen in hard on the last part for emphasis for Jongin to see. There was a snarky grin on his lips as he read it over once more and then he was out of the apartment building.

After gathering enough food for a month, he dragged his body back to his apartment, greeting the doorman before entering the elevator with a before entering the elevator with his hands full of plastic bags. His arms had a dull ache to them as he put the bags down to rest, knowing it was a long way up to his apartment.

With a light ding he was up on his floor and he heaved the bags into his house with some difficulty. He noticed a pair of loafers in the front doorway that he knew belonged to Jongin almost immediately, and he took off his own shoes, taking the rest of the groceries with him.

“Jongin!” He called, but there was no response and his eyebrows furrowed as he placed the groceries away in the appropriate places.

“Jongin.” He said, a little louder, this time with annoyance starting to creep into his voice.

He sighed, walking into the living room to yell at the man for not responding, and probably dozing off again.

But Jongin wasn’t in the living room, which confused Kyungsoo greatly, and so he made his way down the passage and into his room, where he stopped, steps stuttering to a halt when he saw the auburn-wood door to his normally closed office was slightly ajar.

With quick steps, he entered the room only to see Jongin hovering over his desk, a lone figure standing in the middle of his office.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Kyungsoo hissed. He despised it when people came into his personal space without permission.

Kyungsoo walked closer to Jongin, who didn’t even answer him, which only made him frustrated.

“Jongin, I swear-” His voice immediately died down and his throat closed up when he noticed what exactly was in the other’s hands.

“Who is this?” Jongin questioned, eyes going up to meet Kyungsoo’s wide ones. His fingertips grazed the worn wooden frame, in which there was a faded picture of two smiling boys.

One of them looked like Kyungsoo.

“Where the hell did you get that?” Kyungsoo snarled as he tried to grab the frame, but to no avail.

He started to panick heavily, hands clamming up, his eyes glued to the frame in Jongin’s hands.

“Give it back to me!” Kyungsoo yelled, and he yanked the picture out of the other’s hands.

“Is that…” Jongin paused, clearly trying to remember something, “Seungsoo?”

Kyungsoo flinched at the name, and he wondered how the hell Jongin even knew that, but then he flashbacked to when they had bumped into Baekhyun, that time at the movie theater.

” I’ve heard around that you don’t get out as much anymore, ever since Seungsoo. I’m sorry for your loss.”

“It is.” Kyungsoo mumbled as he placed the frame back where it belonged, in the deepest, darkest corner of the closet. Kyungsoo wondered how Jongin managed to even find the picture hidden all the way back there. He must really have been snooping.

“It’s my brother who died a couple years back.” Kyungsoo admitted, not daring to look at Jongin in case all of the emotions he was trying to hold back decided to leak and overflow before he could stop it.

“I-I’m sorry for your loss Kyungsoo…”

“It’s okay. I’m over it.” But Kyungsoo’s voice wavered, despite his words.

Lies

“I lost my sister just last year.” Jongin cleared his throat, “She had breast cancer.”

Kyungsoo felt a pang of sympathy, for Jongin, who had lost someone so close and so recently. How was Jongin still holding up so well? Smiling so bright like that? How?

Kyungsoo turned back to Jongin, who had his arms crossed, and his head hanging low. Kyungsoo couldn't see his expression because of the mocha bangs hanging into his eyes, but he knew the other was hurt.

It always hurt to lose someone.

Jongin must’ve trusted in Kyungsoo a lot to share even the loss of his sister with him. Kyungsoo walked up to him and awkwardly placed his arms around Jongin, clearing his throat nervously,

“I’m-I’m so sorry for your loss.” He mumbled quietly, patting Jongin’s back.

“It’s okay!” Jongin laughed as he blinked away the tear drop forming in his eyes. “Come on, you look so depressed, and it's making me feel bad!”

Kyungsoo knew the best remedy for loss was avoidance. “Wanna start a drama?”

He hated dramas. They were too over-the-top, too exaggerated, and too complicated that he couldn’t stand to watch them, but he knew Jongin was a sap for fucking romance, so he sacrificed his pride and his own interests to make the other smile. Because it was Kyungsoo’s job to be the pessimistic one in this... whatever it was called. Friendship?

Jongin’s lips curved up into that dazzling smile again, and he nodded, “Please? I want to start Goblin! I heard it was amazing.”

Kyungsoo smiled back, and then they did start watching the drama, that, in the end, Kyungsoo couldn’t deny was quite interesting.

It was just another day when Kyungsoo woke up at 6 am, after barely closing his eyes the night before as he had tossed in his sheets. He ended up getting up a bit late due to the comfort of his sheets, warming his usually numb body. Kyungsoo straightened the collar of his creamy white cable-knit sweater. The cottony material hugged his torso snugly, and trapped enough heat against his body to keep him warm against the merciless winter wind. He’d chosen to wear his plaid knitted scarf and a grey woollen jacket along with a comfortable pair of black jeans that he rolled up at the bottom.

As he put on his usual black oxfords, there was a loud, obnoxious knocking sound at the door. Kyungsoo realized it could only have been one person, the only person who would do such a thing so early in the morning.

“Jongin.” Kyungsoo groaned, voice a little raw when he opened the door. Jongin was clad in a silky black button up, something a little more extravagant than Kyungsoo was used too, and paired with black slacks and oxfords that were all of an obsidian colored.

“Let’s go Kyungsoo! We’re going to go to this new bookstore opening up on Myeongdong!”

Kyungsoo’s eye twitched in irritation at Jongin, who was too awake, too energetic in the morning when the sun was only just coming up.

“No.” He responded immediately.

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Alright fine!” Kyungsoo yelled throwing his hands in the air.

“Let’s go!” Jongin shouted right in the hallway, running like a puppy to the elevator, while Kyungsoo walked leisurely behind him.

“Hurry!” Jongin squealed, over-excitedly.

The two of them got on the subway, which Kyungsoo was a bit anxious and iffy about. It had been too long since he had ridden on one but Jongin had been dragging him out to places he hadn’t been in for years.

The tourist attraction was always crowded, with numerous shops lined up next to or stacked on top of each other. The city was always bustling with people like Seoul.

“Myeongdong is always so crowded.” Kyungsoo said flatly as he pushed his way past a group of girls who openly stared at Jongin.

“Aren’t you excited? This bookstore is supposedly huge! Aren’t you a writer? Come on!” Jongin insisted grabbing Kyungsoo’s arm with vigor and dragging him along.

They had arrived at the double doors of the massive bookstore. The huge windows showcased lines of bookshelves inside on the walls. There was a café inside as well, the interior of it modern and classy on the second floor, and Kyungsoo was fascinated by the place.

He let his fingertips run along the spine of every new book he passed, spending a great deal of time in each and every aisle.

“Kyungsoo, it’s your book!” Jongin gasped as he picked up a familiar hardcover. Jongin made a show of flipping open the front cover, and started to read the synopsis on the sleeve.

“Park Jiyoung, a girl who has-” Jongin read aloud, just to tick Kyungsoo off.

“Shut the fuck up!” Kyungsoo hissed, grabbing the book out of Jongin’s hands, his ears already a bold red.

Jongin smiled, “I’ve already read all of your works, Hyung.” He used the honorific jokingly because even if Kyungsoo was older he clearly never used it, thinking it unnecessary.

Kyungsoo grumbled under his breath and bought a few books, before leaving with Jongin who had also made a few purchases.

As they started to make their way back to the station, Jongin complained, “It’s so crowded. I hate it.” A small pout formed on his lips when yet another person bumped into him.

“I told you so. Why are we even here?”

“I thought you’d like it …” Jongin trailed off, “and I wanted to spend more time with you outside of the café and your apartment…”

Kyungsoo’s mind froze, scrambling for thoughts. His heart skipped a beat and his entire body felt that familiar butterfly effect. He had no words to deflect the comment, and so he merely cast his gaze down at the cemented grey sidewalk.

The train station was packed by the time they arrived. Masses of bodies were jammed into the train car and the two men barely managed to squeeze themselves in.

Jongin apologized to Kyungsoo as he pressed closer to the other’s body, squashed near the train doors. His arm was above Kyungsoo’s, their faces almost touching. The smaller man could barely breath, his chest constricting because Jongin was way too close. His breath and touch scorched Kyungsoo, and he tried his best to shrivel into the window to lessen the contact between them.

All of a sudden, the train lurched forward much too abruptly and Kyungsoo fell into Jongin’s arms - whose eyes became owlish like Kyungsoo’s.

“I-I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo mumbled as he removed himself from Jongin’s firm chest, and a rosy pink dusted his usually porcelain-pale features.

When the train came to a stop to their station, with twin awkward laughs and little glances, the two of them bid their goodbyes, and parted to find their own ways home, each with the other’s touch lingering on their skin, and a head filled with thoughts of the other.

A couple of days later, Kyungsoo was terribly busy, swamped with an upcoming deadline. He had already locked himself away in his office, actually using his insomnia to work all through the night, finishing chapter after chapter. Jongin had been dropping by less often, informing Kyungsoo that he had recently been assigned to work out his father’s company’s new product plan, that would, quote, “change the way people see technology.” Kyungsoo didn’t have the time to even think about Jongin or even miss him. The writer was far too occupied.

Kyungsoo finally pressed the ‘send’ button on the email that contained the last few chapters of his novel. A sigh escaped him as he stood to go get into bed. His legs and knees felt utterly spent from endless hours of working, and his back was in the same state, a popping sound echoing in his ears as he stretched.

The exhausted writer walked over to his drawer for his familiar pills, already done with his nightly routine and ready to get some rest. Kyungsoo reached inside and grabbed the bottle, alarmed at how much lighter it was than before, and he looked at the now empty prescription bottle. Misery and dread swallowed him whole as he realized he didn't have any more of the pills left. His anxiety flared up and he clutched at his shirt, his breathing uneven.

He forgot to go refill them.

His jaw clenched at the sight, and he shoved the empty bottle back into the drawer. He sighed frustratedly as he climbed into his bed, reluctant because it looked rather intimidating now, to Kyungsoo. His heartbeat accelerated to the point he thought it would burst out of his chest. The pressure against his ribcage and lungs made him feel as if he was suffocating, and he wrapped his body up in his blanket.

It was one of the worst night he had ever experienced, if not the worst.

Kyungsoo was saved from his agony when the sun finally showed itself the next morning with its cheerful rays of sunshine. The hours had passed excruciatingly and tortuously slow last night, and his eyes drooped, almost shutting completely as he staggered to his closet. He was hesitant and tentative about going to see the doctor, but he knew he wouldn’t survive another night without his medication.

It was terrifying, riding the bus for the first time in months. It had been far too long, and Jongin wasn’t accompanying him this time either. He had a vice grip on the bus pole, as he looked out at the passing scenery of Seoul.

The trees were starting to come alive again, with small buds on their branches. Spring was a one to two weeks away, and Kyungsoo definitely preferred winter. The cold made him numb. Too numb to feel, to remember.

The anniversary of his brother’s death was in spring.

Kyungsoo refused to let his mind wander back to his brother like it always did, and start that vicious cycle of atrocious thoughts all over again., So he got out his phone, started looking at the news. Jongin hadn’t sent a text either. He was most likely busy, anyway. Not like Kyungsoo cared.

The writer’s stop came much too slow, and Kyungsoo almost forgot to get off due to how lethargic he was. He took a deep breath in and out when he stepped into the doctor’s office. The smell of sterilized machinery and alcohol wipes hit him hard as he made his way into the quiet office. All of the walls were painted a stark white, and the chairs were all cheap and uncomfortable.

There were a few people besides Kyungsoo, who glanced up at the him before returning to their own business. Kyungsoo felt uneasy as he sat there, unable to clear his mind. It would be a few more minutes til his appointment, but everyone knew doctors made you wait for useless amounts of time past when you were scheduled to see them. So Kyungsoo attempted to make himself comfortable.

He couldn’t.

There was a commotion inside the examination room, it seemed, and Kyungsoo’s ears heard muffled shouts coming closer. The door suddenly slammed open and Kyungsoo jumped in his seat.

“I don’t want your fucking medication anymore!” A familiar voice wailed, and Kyungsoo’s head snapped up so fast that his neck hurt.

His eyes grew impossibly wide as his mind processed who it was.

Jongin.

Jongin was crying, sobbing, and his entire body was shaking and heaving with hiccups as he walked briskly out. He gasped when he noticed Kyungsoo, who just stared back with the same incredulous expression. Jongin did a double take, not believing his eyes.

“K-Kyungsoo?!” He gasped, wiping his eyes. His voice was raw and hoarse and Kyungsoo felt a pang of sympathy.

“Jongin.” Kyungsoo cleared his throat as he got up. But he didn’t have a chance to utter a single word before Jongin grabbed him by the bicep and dragged him out into the hall before the doctor could come out after him.

Jongin didn’t say a word, not even questioning why Kyungsoo was in here in the first place. Instead, he wailed and sobbed right in front of Kyungsoo, who didn’t know what to do except stand there and watch.

“Jongin, what’s wrong?” Kyungsoo’s chest was heavy as Jongin kept bawling his eyes out in front of him. His flushed face was soaked with tears, nose stuffy when he sniffed every few seconds, and Kyungsoo just stood there, heart aching.

“I-” Jongin began, but another sob ripped out of him, and this time they didn’t stop, only growing in volume when he tried to talk.

People were starting to stop and stare at the two men, and Kyungsoo knew this wasn’t the place for Jongin to be in this state.

“Let’s go back to my place, okay?” Kyungsoo suggested gently, and Jongin gladly agreed, following Kyungsoo out.

The bus-ride home was an awkward one. Jongin had stopped crying by then, but his eyes were swollen and still bloodshot. The only noises he made were the occasional sniffle and cough as he slowly calmed down. People stared at the them as if they were foreigners, and Kyungsoo felt his skin prickle.

He bolted out of the bus stop with Jongin hurriedly when they stopped, feeling his anxiety start to act up. Within a few steps, they were already at Kyungsoo’s apartment building. If the bus-ride was awkward, the elevator ride was remarkably worse. The air was thick with palpable tension as the elevator rose higher and higher. Kyungsoo was quick to unlock his door and the two of them walked into the living room. Jongin didn’t meet his eyes as they sat down, and Kyungsoo’s throat felt parched.

“Do you want anything Jongin? Tea? Water?” Kyungsoo offered, if only to soothe the despondent male.

“Water.” Jongin’s voice was low and hoarse. Kyungsoo granted the request without delay, handing Jongin a glass full of water.

Jongin gulped it down in an instant, and Kyungsoo waited patiently across from him for any possible explanation.

“Jongin, what’s wrong?” Kyungsoo inquired, his concern clearly displayed on his face as he looked at Jongin’s crestfallen one.

Jongin took a deep breath, smoothing out the wrinkles in his ironed slacks. Kyungsoo’s heart ached and he wanted to console the distressed man.

“I-I got into a fight with my father this morning at the office. I fell asleep in one of his meetings, without meaning to, in front of important clients, and he was furious at me. I-I didn’t mean to.” Jongin paused when he started to choke up and fresh tears fell rapidly down his cheeks. “It-It’s just, I, can’t help it you know?”

Kyungsoo smiled encouragingly, giving his full attention to the other man, “It’s okay Jongin. Take your time.” It was weird with their reversed roles. One would think Jongin was the one who was supposed to console Kyungsoo, who, by definition, was a true mess. Yet here Jongin was, in his flat, weeping his eyes out. Kyungsoo had never seen Jongin’s vulnerable side, except for that one time when he shared about his sister’s death, and the sight in front of him was difficult to take in because he was so used to the male smiling and laughing as if everything in his life was working out perfectly.

Jongin’s lips curved up a bit before he continued. “I came late to the café, remember? I was at a doctor’s appointment. Ever since I was a child, I knew something was wrong. I mean it wasn’t always that obvious, but it started to show up when I was in middle school and it just got worse and worse. I kept falling asleep everywhere. Sometimes I had sleep paralysis and small hallucinations, or even lost control of my arm or leg.” Jongin stopped once more, mind obviously having gone astray as if he were reliving the horrid moment. “ People made fun of me and I lost a lot of friends. I went to the doctors when my parents became worried and they diagnosed me with - with narcolepsy. Fucking narcolepsy.” His face was bitter as he said those words.

“I got meds and my symptoms lessened when puberty hit.“ Jongin chuckled at that, “I became super popular in my high school and everyone wanted to be friends with me. My father though... he became embarrassed of my condition and said that I couldn’t take over the business, because I would ruin his reputation and good name, and it hurt me so much when my own father told me that. Later, he disowned me after we had a fight about the succession. My mom didn’t want me to leave, she kept sending me money so I could live on my own while my dad cooled down, you know? And eventually he did, but he wasn’t completely over it. In the end, he trained me to be a CEO. I work with him, but I still see it. I still see the fucking disappointment in his eyes. I moved far away from them and I rarely see my family now. Ever since my sister passed away it was never the same.” Jongin’s crying had ceased, and there were only hushed hiccups now.

Kyungsoo’s chest was heavy, and his face ashen, “I’m sorry, Jongin I didn’t know...”

Jongin’s doleful met eyes Kyungsoo’s own and he responded, “Acting happy is easier than being happy. People don’t realize you’re miserable when they see you with a smile, and you kinda just rot on the inside.”

Kyungsoo stayed silent, not knowing how to comfort the other male, not knowing how to do so properly. Jongin’s words replayed in his mind, over and over, and the man’s shoulders slumped when he leaned into the couch. There was a deafening silence before he spoke again.

“Kyungsoo, why were you there this morning?”

Kyungsoo held his breath after hearing that statement, and he was unable to break away from Jongin’s unwavering gaze. He froze in his spot, and found himself unable to form the words. His thoughts were jumbled up and he was conflicted. Should he tell Jongin? Tell him everything and open himself up? The thought frightened him to no end. He was terrified of being vulnerable in front of another human being, and the notion of being rejected, of disappointment, and of disgust, caused him to clam up. But, he didn't know what compelled him to want to tell Jongin. Maybe it was just because Jongin had opened himself up. Maybe it was because it had been awhile since he’d talked about his problems to anyone, maybe because he was tired of being lonely, or maybe it was that he trusted and felt something for Jongin. Maybe he really was catching feelings, if he hadn’t already, for Jongin, and if the other man accepted him when he revealed his ‘secret’, then maybe he’d know if it was really all worth his time.

“I was at the doctors for some pills. Sleeping pills. I’m - I have severe insomnia. I'm afraid of sleeping, doesn't that sound fucking ridiculous?” Kyungsoo murmured sarcastically. “I just can’t sleep. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault,” He repeated over and over. His voice was low, eyes glassy.

Jongin wrapped his hands around Kyungsoo’s shoulders, and gripped them in a soothing manner, “You don’t have to tell me. Don’t force yourself.”

“I have to tell someone.” Kyungsoo sputtered, voice almost cracking as he let himself remember, as he let himself go back to that time.

“I had a brother, Seungsoo. He took care of me when we were younger, since our parents passed away when I was very young. He did his best to raise me like a parent, but I started to cause him trouble back in high school. I’d go out to parties every day, do drugs, drink, anything that was bad for me, and came back late in the morning, always being disrespectful and full of myself. My grades were dropping and I could honestly not care less..”

Kyungsoo breathed out shakily.

“So, one night it was raining and I didn’t have a ride back from this party. I was drunk as hell and I called up my brother to come pick me up. He did of course, naturally. Seungsoo, he - he really did care about me, but I was an asshole and I didn’t care about him, didn’t realize until it was too late. He was driving and I was in the back seat, and it was raining hard. We started arguing again, and he was lecturing me about life, and I wasn’t taking his shit. We were yelling at each other and Seungsoo just lost control of the wheel. It happened so fast, so fucking fast. I didn’t even know what was happening, only heard and felt everything. There were just these damn car lights that came towards us out of nowhere, and Seungsoo swerved, and we hit the guard rails. I was practically almost dead, there was blood everywhere and I saw - I saw my brother bleeding out. There was just so much blood and it hurt everywhere. I was rushed to the ER and after that -”

Kyungsoo’s didn’t realize he was crying until Jongin’s placed his thumb under his eyes, wiping tears away from his damp cheeks.

“He died. He fucking died and it was my fault.” Kyungsoo managed to sob out, hands on his face as he felt everything rush back over him in waves. The emotions, the pain, the guilt… it all came back too quickly. He had avoided this for far too long, held in his tears for far too long, and everything was pouring out now that the dam wall had been broken.

Jongin enveloped Kyungsoo into his arms. His eyes were downcast and deep in thought as he held Kyungsoo, who, for once, didn’t object the contact.

“Kyungsoo, hey. I’m sorry, I didn’t know anything..” Jongin whispered, and Kyungsoo let all the guilt and pain spill from inside of him.

After what seemed like an eternity, Kyungsoo lifted his head from Jongin’s shoulder. His shirt was messy and soaked from his tears.

He was sure he looked like an absolute mess, but there was something about Jongin that made Kyungsoo feel like everything was going to be okay.

“Kyungsoo, it’s not your fault. It isn’t. I know me saying this won’t really do shit, but I want you to know that I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you -” Jongin stopped mid-sentence and intertwined his long fingers with Kyungsoo’s. The male’s eyes widened as he looked at their joined hands, the warmth of Jongin’s fingers causing his heart to palpitate vigorously.

“I know this might not be the right time, but Kyungsoo -” Jongin took a breath, “I want to be with you. I like you a lot.”

Kyungsoo’s mouth was agape, head spinning, “What did you just say?”

“I said I like you Kyungsoo, maybe more than that…I think I love you.” Jongin quietly confessed as he stared straight into Kyungsoo’s shocked eyes.

He wasn’t ready for this, wasn’t ready for those words yet, not ready to trust, to fall, and to lose again. No, no, no, no, no-

Kyungsoo abruptly stood up, “I-I can’t-”

“Kyungsoo, no please, I wanted to tell you this for so long and-” Jongin pleaded, words rushing out as he tried to hold the elder back and keep him there.

“No, Jongin you can’t love me!” Kyungsoo shouted as he pulled away from the other’s touch. It was like he had been burnt, as if he had touched a turned-on stove.

“Kyungsoo, maybe it’s the wrong time, but I just-”

Kyungsoo didn’t let Jongin finish and ran frantically out of his own home, his mind all over the place.

Jongin didn’t come after him.

He didn’t know how far he ran, he didn’t know how long he was gone, but when he returned home, Jongin wasn’t there and only the familiar pitch black darkness welcomed him back. His breathing was hard as he slammed the door roughly shut, the sound emphatically clear, and he slowly slid down to sit on the ground, head on his knees.

Jongin couldn’t love him.

He couldn't.

Kyungsoo didn’t deserve Jongin, or his love, or anything from him, because Kyungsoo was too ugly, too worthless, and he wasn’t enough for someone like Jongin.

He wasn’t ready to commit, wasn’t ready to give himself up, and he wasn’t ready to lose anyone else because the truth was that nothing lasts forever, that Jongin was going to leave Kyungsoo one day, because he would realize that Kyungsoo wasn’t worth his time.

This was his punishment. He deserved to be alone.

Kyungsoo felt as if his entire body was lead. He felt as if he was suffocating excruciatingly slow, everything around him thrumming with life, so unlike him. He was dead and empty, the hollowness all too familiar for him by now. With eyes half-lidded and breaths slow, he looked at the time with loathsome eyes. Atrocious thoughts spilled into his brain and he didn't know how feel exactly, or what to do with himself. Instead, he let the misery, the sharp pain of agony, tear him to bits and pieces until there was just nothing left. Nothing. That was what he was.

Jongin didn't deserve him. Kyungsoo had no love to give and he was too worthless to receive such emotions. Jongin. Jongin. So perfect and beautiful and enthralling. Kim Jongin. Laughter as crisp as the January air and smiles as beautiful as the first flowers of spring.

The mere thought of someone like Jongin loving him was a joke. It was like the world was trying to lie to him, because at first it would feel like heaven, like paradise, but the world was a bitch - the world was too cruel and soon enough he would be ripped apart by disappointment, and the truth that he was lacking. He was lacking everything, unlike Jongin who had practically everything handed down to him from his privileged family.

This self-hatred consumed Kyungsoo, making him dizzy, and horrific thoughts continued to brew in his mind.

You don't deserve Jongin

You’re a fucking ugly fat pig

You killed your brother

Just die

Days and nights passed with Kyungsoo thinking similarly grim thoughts, and during that time he realized how much Jongin’s presence affected him.

Jongin’s leather jacket was still draped on one of the dinner chairs, the scent of his musky, distinct cologne permeating it, and Kyungsoo couldn’t help but bury his face in the familiar smell. He started to miss Jongin and his stupid foreign books - one of which he had found the other night on the kitchen counter. He missed Jongin’s loud and boisterous laughter that echoed through the flat. He missed everything, from the way the male’s melodious voice sounded, to the way he smiled, lips curling up with little dimples on the side. He missed those mesmerizing brown eyes that would stare at him so attentively, like Kyungsoo was the only thing in the that existed world.

He missed Jongin.

This was a truth that was undeniable, unavoidable, and Kyungsoo couldn’t run away from it anymore. Instead, one morning, he decided to face it head-on with determination. He was sick of running away from everything, and he was afraid of losing Jongin, knowing that he was too far in to let these feelings go. He harbored feelings that were much more than platonic, that were too intense and vivid.

Kyungsoo fumbled with his clothing and shoes as he got himself ready to go to café, certain that the tanned male would be there.

With rushed footsteps along the same path he regularly took, he arrived at the mundane café doors. Kyungsoo gathered his courage and opened the door, almost slipping clumsily as he stepped over the ledge of the entrance.

His heart beat rapidly in his chest as he looked at his seat. Across from it was Jongin, with his head in his arms, sleeping.

Kyungsoo clenched his fists to will the nervousness away, and his breath hitched, a lump forming in his throat as he stepped closer and closer.

“Jongin.” He blurted out, cheeks heating up and going red.

The other man stirred and slowly woke up, eyes widening when he realized who it was.

Before Jongin could say anything, Kyungsoo declared, “Be with me. I can’t live without you.”

He couldn’t say those three words. They held too much meaning, too much of something Kyungsoo wasn’t ready for, but maybe, one day, he would be able to. For now, Kyungsoo wanted Jongin back in a life that was bleak before he met him, but now it was vivacious and filled with hope.

“Kyungsoo, I’ve been waiting to hear those words for such a long time.” Jongin’s voice cracked when he stood up and he enveloped Kyungsoo in his warm embrace.

Epilouge:

No please!

your fault, your fault, yourfaultyourfault

Kyungsoo jerked awake, breathing hard, thrashing around for the light switch as fear pumped through him.

Fingers glided through Kyungsoo's hair and then slid down to his cheek to wipe away the tears that had fallen there. He looked up and saw Jongin, eyes filled with both adoration and drowsiness at the same time. Kyungsoo leaned into the warm touch and his shoulders visibly relaxed as he snuggled up against Jongin's chest.

"Shhh..It's okay, Soo. I'm here."

And Kyungsoo believed him.

It was two months into their relationship, one that had faced many obstacles in the beginning, the biggest one being when they had fought over Kyungsoo getting therapy.

Spring had come with its beautiful flowers and warmth, and the two of them had been at the table, each doing their own work.

“Kyungsoo, maybe you should go to a therapist.” The idea was sudden and surprising, as Jongin muttered it, and Kyungsoo felt anger simmer within him.

“Jongin, no stop-” Kyungsoo started, voice becoming loud, and he willed the other to drop the forbidden subject.

“You need to stop running away! You can’t keep losing sleep like this!” Jongin snapped.

“We are not talking about this.” The sound of his metal chair scraping across the wooden floor was loud.

“I’m worried about you.” Jongin said, barely audible as he hung his head low, staring into his coffee mug.

“Be worried about your own damn self.” Kyungsoo roared, and he regretted it immediately when he saw hurt flash across the other’s face.

The two eventually made up when Kyungsoo realized that he couldn’t stand another second without Jongin. They got Kyungsoo a therapist, who truly helped him get better, and as time passed he didn’t rely on the sleeping pills as often, instead simply falling asleep in Jongin’s arms.

Spring was also when Kyungsoo visited Seungsoo’s grave, and it was the first time in years that someone else had gone with him.

The weather was pleasant, a light and refreshing Spring breeze whisking past them as they walked up the stairs to Seungsoo’s small grave. The engraving of his brother’s name beared no burden for Kyungsoo anymore - in fact, he had grown, over time, to not blame himself anymore, but had liberated himself from the guilt.

Jongin stood respectfully behind him in a dashing suit that fitted his lean frame well, smiling and holding a bouquet of flowers he had surprised Kyungsoo with when he had told the man they were visiting his brother that day.

“Hi Seungsoo.” Kyungsoo muttered, embarrassed because he normally had no one listening to him talk to his brother.

“How are you?” He paused, “I’m doing a lot better than before, if you’re watching. I met Jongin, he’s here with me today. He helped me through a lot, well you know, and I love him. He’s funny and amazing and handsome too. You’re proud of me right?” Kyungsoo cleared his throat when he started to get emotional, “I wish you could meet him, you’d like him a lot.” Kyungsoo paused to think of anything more he could talk about, but he couldn’t, and so the only words he said were, “I miss you.”

Jongin surprised Kyungsoo when he stepped beside him, saying a few words of his own, too.

“Hello, Kyungsoo’s brother, Seungsoo. I’m Jongin, your little brother’s boyfriend. I’m treating him well if you’re wondering. Kyungsoo is perfect and beautiful and I’m glad that I met him. I just wanted to say I hope you’re resting in peace and that you don’t have to worry anymore because I’ll take care of him now.”

“Jongin…” Kyungsoo whispered, tears in his eyes he gazed at the other man who only smiled back with pure infatuation in his eyes.

Jongin and Kyungsoo were inseparable now, and had been each other’s missing puzzle pieces all along.

In the end, Kyungsoo believed it was okay that Jongin slept so much, because he’d be the one awake for the seconds, minutes, and hours that Jongin couldn’t.

And Jongin believed it was okay that Kyungsoo didn’t sleep that much too, because he’d be the one sleeping away all the seconds, minutes, and hours that Kyungsoo couldn’t.

Jongin didn’t mind this at all anymore, because Kyungsoo was slowly getting better, and soon enough, one day they’d both fall asleep together - to nothing but the sound of both of their hearts beating as one.

FIN.

part iii