(for Fire_Ember) For light cannot exist without darkness [2/2]
It finally happens.
Rain is falling when it does. It subdues the usual splendour of the sunset, running the hues of red and yellows down with greys and blues, like delicate water colour, but the firmament is beautiful just the same. Kyungsoo remembers Baekhyun sighing and saying that light will be withdrawn today, leaving the skies dim and overcast. But he hadn't expected the rain. He has never experienced a gloomy downpour like this- the Meadow is awash in light perpetually.
Somehow, the rain feels perfect for the occasion. It's a mild, tranquil, healing kind of rain; sinking the universe into a soft glow and rhythmic, therapeutic pattering. When both Kyungsoo and Jongin turn and find each other seeking the same shelter from the drizzle, the motion of the raindrops seem to slow. It feels timeless as they make eye-contact-as the rain invariably comes down, the shared moment dawns like lock and key slipping into place. After days apart, hours of spilling ink and pondering over the right words and the right timing to send those very words. The rain falls as though it has been paced precisely for the meeting; the rain falls just right.
Wordlessly, they pull out their own notes and exchange them. Kyungsoo steadies his hand, then his voice, before speaking.
"I didn't want to wait for your reply before sending this out because I won't be able to write to you for awhile. Two to three weeks, maybe." It's half a week to Donation. Three days in Chamber, and a few more back in the Meadow to rest after. Suho won't let him get back to work, let alone transit, for at least a week. He already risked his light by coming down today.
"Ah. It's okay." Jongin sits down under the shelter of the bus stop and they wait quietly for the rain to subside. After awhile, Jongin says, "I have a place I want to show you."
"Alright." Kyungsoo hesitates before sitting down as well, treading boundaries. How close or how far should he sit from Jongin? He settles close to him, but makes sure to leave appropriate distance between them such that they are not touching. But this deliberate space sends a rush of want through Kyungsoo's veins, a senseless urge to be closer to Jongin, a craving to know this man.
"Why don't you ask me where?" Jongin tilts his head to the side in curiosity.
"I don't know," Kyungsoo admits. That question didn't cross his mind at all. The thought of following you just doesn't bother me, he thinks. I trust you.
They start walking as the rain stops, and the bookstore shortly comes into sight. Jongin doesn't know why he wants to bring Kyungsoo there, either, but the idea sprouted in his head and sped out of his mouth before he could think twice.
As they navigate the bookstore, Jongin intentionally diverges from Kyungsoo. He doesn't know what he's doing anymore. A few weeks ago, his life was a void of nothing, the way it was supposed to be. And now, Kyungsoo has seamlessly manoeuvred his way into Jongin's life. Kai's life. There is no place for Kyungsoo, but there he is, in the corner of the store with the shelves almost towering over his slight stature, looking like the most exquisite thing that Jongin has ever seen.
Kyungsoo's tap on his back pushes him out of the reverie, and he almost smiles at how it's reminiscent of their first meeting, the action that sparked off this trajectory like a line of dominoes. He's holding the same book that Jongin bought, and suddenly Jongin wants to both laugh at how incredulous this is, and also cry at this madness of emotion clasping his chest.
"This looks like a good book," Kyungsoo grins, and Jongin can only nod as the world seems to fade around him.
-
They've visited every shop down the street. Puzzled over how the microwave works in the convenience store, questioned menus in stylish restaurants and tried out clothes in boutiques. As the velvet night sky spreads its arms above them, they return back to the park, and lie down on the vast, green field.
In the sky, the stars are winking, and twinkling, and grooving to their own rhythm. The deep, deep, fusion of dark blue and black in the sky makes for a beautiful backdrop. Kyungsoo traces his finger in the shape of a constellation Suho once taught him, and he remembers his face drawn into deep concentration. Every time he thinks he has connected the right stars, the outline disappears from his grasp, and he refreshes his memory.
"It's the Polaris, Kyungsoo," Suho smiles at him kindly.
"Polaris." Kyungsoo tests the word and familiarises with the way the word rolls off him tongue, delicate.
"It helps people find their way home. From Vikings to Egyptians, across the continuum of time." Suho traces it across the pages of his book. Kyungsoo's too young to transit and can only bear witness to the Realm's grandeur in books, between leafs of words and pictures. "And it will help you too."
Confusion creases his eyes. How can something so unfamiliar, laid upon darkness that he has always been kept away from, help him go home? Isn't home where he is, in the endless white light of the Meadow? But Kyungsoo takes in the glint in Suho and knows that there is worth in trusting him, and value in trusting the stars.
A soft rumble of an airplane in the sky lifts him from his reverie, and he resumes his searching. "First you find the Big Dipper- seven stars... Three in the handle and four in the head of the spoon." Kyungsoo recites from his memory as his finger traces the air and tries to make out the familiar but nebulous shape.
"A spoon." Jongin repeats.
"Yes," Kyungsoo chuckles, turning to face Jongin. Jongin is staring at him. "Spoons are interesting things, don't you think so?" Kyungsoo's probably used a spoon less than five times in his life. Sometimes, he wonders what it feels like to be hungry, to crave a particular taste, to not be sated until it is delivered to you.
"A spoon is interesting," Jongin repeats again. Staring, staring, staring.
Feelings pummel at Kyungsoo's ribs like they are clamouring their way out of his body. "Connect the two front stars of the Big Dipper." The words are rolling off his tongue without effortlessly, unconsciously, thoughtlesstly; he couldn't ruminate about anything else aside from the brown of Jongin's eyes and the chiselled line of his chin. "Extend the line to the he upper right, the first bright star you come to is Polaris, the North Star."
"The North Star." Jongin mumbles and Kyungsoo gets that Jongin is feeling the same way. The deafening pulse in his ears and stampede between his lungs. His heart pounding, pounding, pounding as he stares back . Jongin is staring at Kyungsoo so, so hard, like there's nothing else he would rather look at, and Kyungsoo doesn't think he's ever been met with such intensity in his life, or has ever seen such focus in someone's eyes.
Jongin sees the beams of the stars imprinted in the twinkle of Kyungsoo's eyes. He sees the two of them dashing across roads and doubling over with thoughtless laughter, the ache spreading outwards from his stomach simply from guffawing. He sees the crinkles beside Kyungsoo's eyes, the moles on his tragus, the beautiful lines of his lips when a smile spreads across his face like daybreak. With the soft grass curling into their skin and the wistful silence whistling tunes across the air, it feels like time has frozen. And Jongin gets the strongest, most overwrought wave in his gut that tells him that, as long as they keep looking at each other like this, in this precise orientation of the universe, the stars will align in Kyungsoo's favourite constellation and time will continue to be frozen. And the light, the dark, and spectrums of colours in all their shades and variations and intensity, do not matter. They have fused into a tiny, secure bubble.
Kyungsoo glides his arm down from its previously erect position when he was pointing out the stars, and Jongin longs. Jongin just needs to know if he reached out and curled his fingers around Kyungsoo's right now, would Kyungsoo hold onto him? He needs to know, like a carnal want in his body, like the unconscious demand in the unreachable corner of his brain that tells him he has to breathe.
He wants to trace the creases of his palm and match them to Kyungsoo's, follow them until they blend into one seamless line. He craves the warmth of Kyungsoo's flavour, and the flame of want in his chest burn. He yearns for the mottled iridescence he imagines lingering on his skin after every touch. God, Kyungsoo is before him, and it fills Jongin with so much want, and he can't believe how lucky he is to be bestowed with this moment. This is a mistake, but he can't help but think this downfall of his, this very defeat he is about to give himself over to, was written in the stars before time.
He loses.
Kyungsoo feels like the incarnation of the ineffable wonder and transcendent beauty Jongin has always thought him to be, every bit of it. Even better. And when Kyungsoo holds his hand, all the light in the world converges in Jongin's soul. The flame in his chest blazes.
When their lips touch, Kyungsoo realises belatedly, that this must be what hunger feels like. The cold that enfolds his hand the moment they pull apart, like nothing can soothe his gravitational want to move closer, to touch.
"Polaris is the last star in the handle of the Little Dipper," Kyungsoo mumbles, still staring. Time is still frozen.
Jongin leans in again.
-
"Kyungsoo."
Kyungsoo spins, stumbling slightly on his feet. He is still weak from the waning of his light. He had spent too much time in the Realm’s night and the toll it has taken on him is evident. Nonetheless, he greets politely. "Suho."
"How have you been?" Suho smiles kindly. Suho talks in a way that makes his listener feel safe, guided, and protected. Kyungsoo has a theory that Suho is Guardian of Heaven just because of this ability of him. He's a walking sanctuary.
"I-" There is an uncomfortable stirring in Kyungsoo's abdomen. "I'm fine." Am I?
He doesn't know what he's doing anymore. It's all about Jongin now, in his head, his mind, his heart. Whenever he thinks about Jongin, his light darkens, but does not diminish. It darkens in a way that gives his light a mild, faint colour. The white has occasionally deepened into a soft pink, or a light blue. He wills the colour away whenever he notices, but most of the time, he doesn't.
Donation is tomorrow, he chastises in his head, stop fucking thinking.
"You have always been one of our most mature, Kyungsoo." There is only the usual kindness in his expression, but Kyungsoo catches a glimpse of a knowing glint in Suho's eyes. "I'm sure your first few transitions have been fun."
Kyungsoo should have expected the question, but it still takes him by surprise. He takes a few moments to regain his composure. "I enjoyed it. It's... nothing quite like expected."
"Ah. Did you meet anyone you want to share about?" The glint in his eye solidifies everything like a dropped bomb, and Kyungsoo knows immediately, that he knows. Of course. Suho knows everything.
But Kyungsoo doesn't know anything. Not Jongin- so who is he as a person? Not himself, either- what is he feeling? What the fuck is he even doing?
But he knows that given a second chance, he would do if all over again. The wrong on Jongin's tongue had tasted so sinfully right.
And as he withers under Suho's knowing look, he knows this is an impasse. There is no way forward or backward, and he can only stay silent.
"Kyungsoo... Are you sure of what you are feeling?" Suho asks, carefully, gently, like he is treading on raw nerve and thin ice. At Kyungsoo's silence, he continues. "I just don't want you to make a mistake or get hurt."
I don't. I don't know anything anymore.
"Come with me." Suho motions him forward and they walk in tensed, heavy silence. With the light suddenly surging forth inside him, Kyungsoo knows before they even near, that they are approaching the Pedestal. Kyungsoo has always loved basking in its glow, but the glare of the light stings this time.
"Do you know what is this?" Suho motions towards it.
"The Pedestal."
"It is... Not just the Pedestal. It is not the Pedestal of Light either. Few people know this, but it has a dark counterpart. In the Chamber. They seem to be physically polarised, but they are one. They unite where they are- in the Meadow and the Chamber. It is The Pedestal of Love, Kyungsoo, because love is the common ground. And love is nothing without the balance between light and dark; the beauty and ugliness; salvation and sin."
Kyungsoo nods, assimilating the new information but not understanding where this is going. He likes listening to him though, and learning about the dichotomy. Kyungsoo has always been intrigued by the dark.
"You've always been different from the rest, Kyungsoo. In love. You've always had a greater capacity for love, and that's why you guard the light of the Arts. Because in the Arts, love is the most manifest and raw.
We all have our own purpose in wielding light, but I think you're a little different, Kyungsoo. But you have to discover it. Don't be afraid if the light burns at times, or if the dark dominates at times. Do not recoil, because days and nights only do beautiful things."
"I... I don't know what to say, Suho. I'm sorry. But I am not deserving of the expectation you have of me." Kyungsoo thinks about how he conceals the truth from Baekhyun, what he is hiding from everyone, the turmoil of confusion wreaking havoc in his head, and finally, Jongin's smile. "I will only fail you." Regretfully, tremendously so. He casts his gaze downwards and does not look up at Suho's rueful smile, does not move as he walks away.
-
It's the day of Donation, again.
It's like a rock has made home in the pit of his gut, but Kyungsoo knows he only has himself to blame as he descends into the Chamber. He's not ready for Donation at all. Physically, his light has been flickering; emotionally, his mind has been a huge, whirring mess.
His mind has run over Suho's words over and over again, like a car on a well-worn road. But it only adds to his confusion. He doesn't understand the intention of Suho's words or the look in his eyes when he said them.
He busies himself by digressing from the train of thought, choosing to focus on his light instead. There is a thin sheen of perspiration in his hand and nerves thumping against his chest. It's his first time transiting to the Chamber. He knows it's harmless, but the dark is unfamiliar territory. Fidgeting on his feet and clenching and unclenching his fists, he waits for the transition void to open up.
When the void recedes as it enters the Chamber, he looks up. Its Guardian sits waiting for him, as expected. Kyungsoo has heard about this scene a million times and played out multitude versions of this scene in his imagination. This is what he predicted. He should be okay.
But he gapes at the scene before him, stunned and unmoving. He knows he could never have prepared for this. And the words that have been trained and positioned so carefully and relentlessly on his tongue, the words that should be articulated on autopilot by now, all escape him.
Time comes to a standstill, once again. But this time Kyungsoo wants, desperately, for the moment to be broken. To disappear and be over and eternally forgotten.
Kyungsoo utters the word that destroys it all.
"Kai."
-
On the first day, there are only formalities.
Kyungsoo does not unclench his fists as he is brought to an empty space to rest and adjusts to the darkness. Essentially, that's the only thing he can do here. To just be.
And that's what he does, except he feels outside of his body. His mind is afloat elsewhere, oceans and light years away, while his body moves the way it is expected to. Be polite, Kyungsoo. Make peace with the light within you and the dark around you, and you will not be harmed. Relax. Sit down and use these three days to stop thinking and feeling. It will be over before you know it.
Except Kyungsoo thinks he has never felt this fucking much in his entire existence, and these feelings are pushing his soul out of his own body. He feels so detachedly confused, stuck in the thin line between acknowledgment Abd acceptance, looking at everything through a thin glass from an alternate dimension. He sees it all- the sensible reality that sinks in on him, bit by bit.
Kyungsoo does what he knows he has to, and his body goes through the required motions on his own accord.
"I'm sorry, Kai. For being rude at entry when I should have greeted you. I was slightly disoriented." He does not know where to place his hands, whether to still them by his side or raise them in polite gestures as he speaks.
He leaves before Kai replies, but it doesn't matter. There are no words in Kai’s mind, except Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo. I never belonged to the light.
And then there is only silence and solitude.
-
On the second day, Kyungsoo writes.
The light leaving him creates a hollow that grates on his last nerve. The Chamber's emptiness makes the words so, so deafeningly loud in his ears, and he can feel Jongin's presence close by like blood in his veins. He's just there despite the deliberate distance positioned in between them. And he just needs to do something, that will make all of it go away. He puts his hands together, closes his eyes and focuses. As his hands pull apart, a parchment lands on his lap with a pen. Its colour is markedly different from the pen that gets conjured in the Meadow, and Kyungsoo plays with the black instrument between his fingers as he mulls.
Kyungsoo tries, but the words in his head remain a haphazard mess. He ponders about colours. He wrote his favourite poem two years ago with Baekhyun, about an artist who sought inspiration from sunrises. Sad paintings on hazy and blue mornings, and happier ones when the sun surfaces more resplendently. Baekhyun had laughed at his idea at first, but gave in eventually after Kyungsoo penned down the first few words. Colours are Kyungsoo's favourite topic to write about.
But what used to be his favourite words are now blocking his words from coming together. Kyungsoo looks around at the endless darkness, the world that lurks just beyond the light and the colours that he is so used to. His grip on the pencil tightens, and the ink flows along with his words. His hand trembles as the words surge uncontrollably forward, and the paper tears slightly at some point from the amount of force he exerts.
Relief does not come even after he is done, and Kyungsoo closes his eyes, and falls asleep.
The note flutters to the ground, and from a distance, Kai remembers the first time they met- hastily drawn faces and scribbly handwriting. It's wrong, but as he reaches out for the note, he convinces himself that this is the one last, final time.
I had traced the fateful match without bracing for its might/
making the mistake of letting it fester and burn a fire bright/
by facing the shadows and choosing to take flight instead of fight/
the smoke took the reins over sight and the flames could only blight/
while my plight descended from blunders that have never felt this right/
I should have smothered the midnight sparks before the morning light
-
When he wakes, he does not know how long it has been. The donating occurring inside of him is insidiously draining, drawing light like breaths out of him, leaving him to drift in and out of sleep, over and over. He turns to Kai (he drills it into himself that Jongin does not exist) and asks softly, “Which day is it now?”
“You are mid-way through the last already,” Kai answers, and how Kyungsoo wishes he could unhear Jongin in the softness of his voice.
The familiar, unnerving thrum in Kyungsoo’s blood returns as Kyungsoo rubs his eyes. From his periphery, he notices the sole semblance of light, and remembers. “May I visit the Pedestal?”
The surprise shows on Kai’s face but he reels it back to neutrality almost immediately after. Kyungsoo wants to berate and slap himself for noticing, before silently following after Kai. Kyungsoo paces two metres after him, precise and exact. He needs to draw the line.
The Pedestal, as Suho said, is the exact dark counterpart of that in the Meadow. Somehow, the fact that there is something common between the seemingly polarised worlds brings comfort to Kyungsoo, and his mouth starts moving before he can think it through. “Do you know that the Pedestal stands for love? It is the Pedestal of Love. There is one in the Meadow too, its lighter counterpart.”
“Love?” Kai repeats, glancing at the monument before him. There is nothing but inadvertent scorn on his face. He only ever thinks of the Pedestal as the cornerstone of dark instruments, the centre of darkness. He laughs sarcastically. “There is love in this place? This hopeless, eternal darkness?”
The tone of Kai’s voice agitates Kyungsoo, who has been on edge for way too long, and the last nerve that has been threatening to snap, does. “Yes! Love- love is light and dark together. It does not differentiate, it unites. Don't you see?” Kyungsoo thinks of the shadows in the park and stars in the night sky. “Light and dark belong together.”
“I am the embodiment of darkness, Kyungsoo!” Jongin nearly screams, the bite of bitterness searing through his voice. “Of all people, I would know. I know that darkness doesn't belong anywhere. It consumes you, Kyungsoo, it consumes everything. It is empty and lonely and light is light and dark is dark and they do not blend. Never.”
“Jongin-” Kyungsoo tries.
“Kai! This is who I am, Kyungsoo. This is what's real. I don't belong to the light, I can't even come close.”
“Why? How would you know? How can you say that?”
Jongin’s heavy, frustrated breathing echoes in the emptiness, and his voice is not soft because of its gentleness when he finally speaks. It's soft because it is ragged and exasperated, like he almost doesn't want to use it. “I was once from the Meadow too. I once had light, Kyungsoo, but not anymore. Because I don't deserve it. I was burned by the Wand, and now it has sent me to where I am meant to be placed.
I was once like you. I believed that there was something more, that things couldn't simply be this way. The Meadow was too bright and the Chamber was too dark, and there couldn't be nothing in between. The world has so much to offer- its colours and nuances and I wanted to bring them beyond the Realm. Everyone believed that light and dark are kept in balance just by donation, but I didn't. There must be a way to for them to become more than balanced, to be connected.
So I stole the Wand, Kyungsoo. I made a mistake that no light bearers should. I thought I could find a way to make the colours happen, bring light and dark together, merge them into the most the most beautiful palette-.but the Wand only burned me. Don't make the same mistake Kyungsoo, you deserve all your light. Don’t waste it away. This is the way it is supposed to be.”
Silence encapsulates the space as everything transpires, and Kyungsoo just wants to reach out to touch Jongin until he stops shaking and believes in light again. How could he not when there is so much of it in the way he moves and smiles and speaks? How could Jongin not see it? While the puzzle pieces are starting to fit, Kyungsoo knows he's missing something as he thinks it over. What Jongin said only affirmed instead of change his thoughts- there must be something that is missing, a gap in the puzzle, and the gap lies exactly at the point where light and dark meet.
Kyungsoo can’t fill the gap and complete the puzzle without Jongin, but now is not the time to push him. He steadies himself and whispers into the silence. “You just need to find the light, Jongin.”
The quietude surrounds them until the transition void is here again, and Kyungsoo leaves.
-
The Meadow’s Pedestal looms over him as Kyungsoo lies beside it. Waiting for his light to recharge is as painful as it can be, and the best part of his days has been reduced to listening to Baekhyun yak away about supposedly interesting stories.
“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun calls in a high-pitched tone that Kyungsoo can never tolerate. That's the only reason Baekhyun uses that tone to call for Kyungsoo all the time.
“Shut up, Baek,” Kyungsoo rolls his eyes in response.
“Is that how you treat your only source of entertainment of the day?” Baekhyun tsk-tsked at him while sauntering over in an exaggerated fashion. “Bow down to me, Soo-soo, and call me your greatest friend ever.”
“You bow down to me until you find someone who's willing to listen your noise, idiot,” Kyungsoo sasses. Heaving the loudest sigh he can manage, he says, “You may begin.”
“Who taught you to be so rude, huh.” Before Kyungsoo can retort, Baekhyun starts on his stories with fervency comparable to that of a kid visiting the theme park for the first time. Baekhyun never grows up, much to Kyungsoo’s dismay. But Kyungsoo loves him too much to mind, and that is much to Kyungsoo’s dismay as well.
Kyungsoo drifts off inadvertently, wanting so badly to return to his normal duties instead of having to stare into space all day, until he catches bits of Baekhyun’s stories. Attention suddenly rapt, he stops Baekhyun. “Can you repeat that?”
“Which part? You little shit, you have to listen to my stories carefully, you know. I-”
“The part about hands. Something about the hands and reciprocating.”
“Ah. That was the dumb couple I saw in the Realm just today. This guy was walking with this girl, and he was looking away from her as he reached out for her hand. But he grabbed her dress instead because her hand was in her pocket! How stupid can that be, right? How could he grab a hand when there's no hand for him to hold? He could at least checked that her hand was there, or something. It couldn't work it she didn't want to reciprocate.”
How could their hands meet when there's no hand for him to hold?
How could the Wand in the Meadow have worked if it didn’t meet the Wand in the Chamber?
Jongin was sent to the Chamber to complete the transformation. The light and the dark has to meet and come together. This was its purpose. He remembers Suho’s words- this is his purpose.
“Well, Baekhyun, I guess you are the greatest friend ever… Or you will be if you are willing to give me a little help?”
-
It's been two days since Baekhyun left his message under the park bench for him. Kyungsoo had made the message especially cryptic so that Baekhyun wouldn't understand it. And Kyungsoo’s heart lightens in relief at Baekhyun thinking of it as a random motivational message, even though his gut sinks to have to keep things from him, again. It's not that Kyungsoo wants to hide it from Baekhyun, but he can't risk anything now. The guilt would be worth it. It has to be. He just prays really hard that Jongin could decipher what he wrote: When day ends, you just need to find the light, again. Go for it.
Trust me.
Kyungsoo stations himself beside the Pedestal when the sun sets in the Realm, waiting for a sign. It is always light in the Meadow, so Kyungsoo calculates every hour so that he can rush over at the right time, when Realm’s day ends.
The Wand stays still, and untouchable like it has always been.
-
Days blur into one another and Kyungsoo no longer rushes over to the Pedestal when evening comes. He drags his feet and braces himself to be let down again. Disappointment is commonplace, now, so he chooses to disregard the extra glimmer in his light today. Expectations are unhealthy.
He stops before the Pedestal today like he has done, every evening without fail, for days he no longer bothers to keep count of. But he looks up today, and witnesses something he has never seen.
The Wand is glowing.
Kyungsoo’s light rages inside of him as though the glow has seeped through his skin, and touched every fibre of his being. His hand burns as he grabs hold of the Wand. He burns, and burns, and burns, and his world is set on fire.
-
The world ends.
-
And is rebirthed.
-
“I miss Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun whines, slapping Sehun’s thighs annoyingly as he does.
“I know,” Sehun sighs with his chin in his hand. Baekhyun has said the same damn thing for the past God knows how many days. “But he's gone.”
“Why won't he come back?”
Do something about your terrible outfit coordination instead of talking so much, Baekhyun. Who the fuck wears red with green? Do you think it's Christmas everyday?”
Baekhyun leans on Sehun, who pushes the former into the green bushes dotted with flowers of all colours. “It's all Kyungsoo’s fault, damn it. We used to not have to worry about this colour coordination thing.”
“It’s love, man,” Sehun shakes his head, chuckling. “Love changes everything. So, when are you going to the Realm to visit him and Jongin?”
-
It's like watching a storm before it hits you- you see it coming your way, inching towards you a little closer every day. So you just wait for the day it sweeps you up into its tumult, embracing its impact upon reach and imagining how it would feel like.
Now, you've watched this storm from afar for so long. and now that you're in the middle of this damn storm you don't know what to make of it. Because you had imagined it to feel like a gun shot, a fine blow, a blast amidst absolute silence.
But it simply takes you along and you can't fathom it that it's here, it's now. this is what you've been waiting for.
Then before you can acclimatize to things, it's gone. it has swept through your life and there you are, watching the storm from the outside again. left behind, wondering how it had actually felt when you were caught within. Going through the remnants of the aftermath that are the only evidence of its occurrence, still trying to soak it all up.
Do Kyungsoo’s first book, Between Light and Darkness
“This article included my favourite excerpt from your book!” Jongin exclaims, waving the magazine around in the air, excitement written on the lines of his face. He hurries across the room and grabs a scissors. “I'm gonna cut and paste it on our board! Pass me the tape, Soo.”
The mattress shifts as Kyungsoo rolls over and takes the tape from the drawer next to him. He aims. He shoots. But the tape ends up hitting Jongin’s face, and Kyungsoo bursts into laughter.
“It hurts,” Jongin complains, rubbing his finger across his forehead where the tape hit. He lunges forward and tickles Kyungsoo at his most sensitive spots, before Kyungsoo throws a pillow at him.
“I made it up for you on the board,” Kyungsoo half says, half giggles, face flushed. “I pasted a poem that reminded me of you.” And Jongin almost hears Kyungsoo blushing through his words, that endearing tone of bashfulness.
Jongin extends his hand towards Kyungsoo and pulls him in again, pressing a kiss onto his lips. The board where they paste poems and doodles and cheesy things like that have expanded to take up almost an entire wall. After accustoming to the Realm, Kyungsoo’s become familiar with hunger. He likes spaghetti, and chocolate, and all kinds of pastry (he enjoys baking then with Jongin more). Especially the taste of Jongin’s lips, the way they move against his own. Kyungsoo thinks he's grown to be so, so greedy,
But it's okay, because they are each other’s anchor, light and darkness. And love, above all else.
-
I wake up each
morning wanting
more of you.
First, it was your
lips, then it was
your hands, now
it is your heart.
Now, it is always
your heart.
- Emma Bleker, wanting