(for everyone) nothing's gonna change (my love for you) [3/3]
Title: nothing's gonna change (my love for you)
part two
Jongin stares at his anatomy notes, sinking back into his chair. Mindless memorizing wasn't his strongest skill, and then there was the occasional difficulty of focusing long enough to absorb it all. He stares at his phone, the blinking green light distracting.
Lu Han’s passed out on the couch, having just finished a lab write up. There’s an empty bowl of Shim Ramyun next to this textbook and countless diagrams of the central nervous system scattered around the dining room table. Across the table, in an equally messy cluster, are Lu Han’s lab notes and a crudely drawn diagram of the human heart with Lu Han’s messy Korean pointing at various parts. He’d tried to help but Jongin had felt guilty, taking up his time. At the very least, Jongin had mastered drawing the heart, even if his diagram never looked as good as the one in the textbook.
Sighing, Jongin grabs his phone, unlocking the front screen to read the text from Kyungsoo he knows is there.
how’s studying?
terrible, Jongin writes back, sucking in a deep breath. Kyungsoo was probably busy with his own schoolwork; pre-med had always sounded terrifying to Jongin.
The reply lights up the screen seconds later, and Jongin wonders if studying has spent as much of Kyungsoo’s energy has it has Jongin’s.
lol studying anatomy?
Jongin blinks in surprise, sending a quick reply back. yeah.ami that predictable?
you only seem to hate anatomy. i can help you out, if you want. i did pretty well in my course
Jongin’s probably smiling stupidly at his phone screen, Yixing’s love-struck look, but he doesn’t care. Having Kyungsoo’s attention made him feel warm, like a day spent lying in bed doing absolutely nothing. Jongin hadn’t had one of those in a while.
only if you have time. i don’t wanna bother you
i always have time for you
Jongin finds himself standing in front of Kyungsoo’s apartment, somehow still in one piece. He’d been a little unsure about making if off the subway when he’d thought himself into a panic, entirely possible scenarios passing through his thoughts. What if Jongin accidentally set Kyungsoo’s apartment on fire? Or worse, what if he tried to talk and nothing but crying sounds came out because he was in Kyungsoo’s apartment?
Kyungsoo had said to call him when he got there, Jongin having followed the directions he’d been emailed. Thankfully, Jongin’s list of fatal flaws did not include a terrible sense of direction, and he’d overcome (sort of) his increasing fear of somehow fucking this whole thing up.
“You can do this,” Jongin whispers encouragingly to himself, hitting dial. Kyungsoo picks up on the third ring, voice like velvet.
“Hello? Jongin?”
“Kyungsoo-hyung! I’m waiting downstairs,” Jongin says, licking his lips. This is a study session, he tells himself, a mini mantra to keep him from bolting. Granted, studying in someone’s apartment might be a little terrifying since no one else would be around but Jongin could do this.
The sound of a loud buzz startles Jongin, phone nearly slipping out of his hand. The security guard on the other side of the front doors snorts, causing Jongin to blush, fingers gripping his phone a little tighter.
“Seventh floor, right?” Jongin mumbles, keeping his head low as he shuffles inside, heading toward the elevators.
“Apartment four,” Kyungsoo reminds.
“Thanks, hyung. I’ll be there soon,” Jongin smiles, ending the call. He takes a deep breath when the elevator dings open, empty. Jongin’s grateful about that, stepping inside quietly. When the doors slide shut, Jongin sags against the walls, clearly working himself up over nothing.
Kyungsoo wasn’t going to hate Jongin forever because of the slight chance that Jongin might tip over a glass of water set too close to Kyungsoo’s notes. No, because that wasn’t going to happen. Lu Han had mumbled something about Jongin being hopeless when he’d left the apartment. Jongin didn’t want to admit he was.
He knocks on Kyungsoo’s door exactly five times, a fist a flurry of motion before a finger presses his lower lip against his teeth, biting on the skin. Kyungsoo opens the door with a smile, and for the first time in a while, Jongin finds Kyungsoo in a t-shirt, the neckline a little too big. Jongin can spot the moles along his neck, the ones he’s definitely never thought about tracing with his mouth. No siree.
“Hey,” Kyungsoo grins, looking far too happy to see Jongin.
“Hi,” Jongin exhales, stepping in as Kyungsoo pulls him inside. The apartment is nicer than Jongin’s, despite being a bachelor’s, but then Kyungsoo’s parents were both dentists so that made sense. He isn’t envious, just a little terrified he might ruin something.
“I set up in the kitchen,” Kyungsoo tells Jongin, leading him over to his kitchen table. It’s small, just two chairs and Kyungsoo’s shifted them both over to the same side, notes placed in a neat pile in a corner. There’s a bowl of shrimp crackers and two cartons of strawberry milk, and Jongin already thinks Kyungsoo is perfect, but the little reminders are welcome. “I have more in the fridge.”
“You’re the best hyung,” Jongin grins, grabbing a carton as he takes a seat, Kyungsoo sliding into the chair next to him. He’s sitting terribly close, knee pressing into Jongin’s as he leans over his notes, glancing back at Jongin.
“I thought maybe I’d test you on some stuff to figure out where you needed help the most,” Kyungsoo offers, diving right in. He shuffles through his notes, pulling out what appears to be an old test. Jongin doesn’t miss the 95 percent scribbled in the top right corner. Jongin had struggled to get the 80 on his midterm, relief mixing in with a little pride. Pushing away his natural instincts to compare himself, Jongin focuses on answering Kyungsoo’s questions, frustration getting the better of him when he blanks out on some of the more obvious things.
“You’re a visual learner, right?” Kyungsoo asks, after he’s gone through three different tests, allowing for a small break. Jongin nods his head, collapsing on top of his anatomy textbook. He rubs at his eyes, sighing as he goes over homeostasis feedback loops in his head.
A hand runs through his hair, Jongin’s body stiffening, breath caught in his throat. Kyungsoo settles his hand at the base of Jongin’s neck, and Jongin’s terrified of moving, doesn’t want Kyungsoo to stop rubbing little circles into Jongin’s skin with his thumb. His fingers are warm, Jongin’s pulse thickening.
Kyungsoo’s hand combs through his hair a few more times before Jongin turns to look at him, unsure what to do with the fond look Kyungsoo’s giving him. It feels a little like Jongin’s been wrapped in a blanket, and he smiles stupidly before sighing and straightening out. Kyungsoo slides his hand down Jongin’s spine, simultaneously comforting and agonizing before he pulls away.
They go over the dreaded CNS first, Kyungsoo drawing out flowcharts for Jongin to follow along, asking Jongin to go into detail about how the body detected pain and smells. As Jongin stumbles through his answers, trying not to go through his notes, Kyungsoo smiles encouragingly turning Jongin’s anxious desire to impress Kyungsoo into a simmering happiness that he was doing better than he expected.
Studying with Kyungsoo is successful, if success is measured by the number of times Jongin’s managed to not get caught staring at the graceful arch of his neck, or the five moles disappearing down his t-shirt. He’s also managed to memorise the various muscle types located in the human body and given Kyungsoo details about their purpose. Jongin’s diagram of the heart even looks less horrible, Kyungsoo carefully pointing out that Jongin’s left atrium was bigger than it needed to be.
“I’m not sure what you were so worried about, you practically know everything,” Kyungsoo compliments, leaning in toward Jongin, his hand settling on Jongin’s thigh. Jongin’s supposed to be drawing a diagram of the digestive system but his own stomach is attempting to grumble and twist at the same time. Jongin’s not sure if he’s hungry or if Kyungsoo’s sending his body into haywire again.
His chin is resting on the edge of Jongin’s shoulder, arm pressing into Jongin’s back as he balances his weight by placing a hand on the back of Jongin’s seat. His hand is terribly close to Jongin’s ass, something Jongin’s really only thought about in the privacy of his morning showers. Jongin knows he’s a hopeless cause.
“I never really made this many flowcharts,” Jongin mumbles, flushed. Kyungsoo’s so close, so warm, and nice, and Jongin’s in love, he knows that but he’s terrified all the same. And Jongin had a lot of trouble thinking he was worth Kyungsoo’s time, even if all he wanted was Kyungsoo’s attention fixed on him.
“I’m glad you didn’t,” Kyungsoo says softly. He’s pulling away, smirking now. “I wouldn’t have gotten you all to myself otherwise.”
Jongin nearly chokes on his own spit, masking the embarrassment with a cough. He grabs his strawberry milk, downing the last few drops, steadfastly ignoring the jump in his pulse or how he feels hot all over.
Kyungsoo chuckles, the amused look on his face only increasing Jongin’s despair. “You forgot to label everything on the diagram, Jongin.” He gets up from his seat, grabbing Jongin another strawberry milk, and Jongin internally curses at himself for being the biggest loser on the planet.
Jongin’s a little dazed when he finally gets home, exhausted from the emotional ups and downs of the last two hours. He finds Lu Han spread out over his bed, watching some documentary on jellyfish, jacket still on. Jongin collapses next to him, mumbling a hello as he drapes an arm over Lu Han’s chest, using his arm as a pillow. Lu Han makes a sound of recognition, and Jongin finally spots the Chinese food sitting on the kitchen counter.
“Already visiting your boyfriend at his family restaurant, hyung?” Jongin snickers, needing the distraction from his own woes.
“I’ll punch you,” Lu Han threatens, but he hasn’t budged, hasn’t even huffed in annoyance that Jongin’s on his bed.
“Are you capable of that right now? Man, you’ve known Yixing for like a week.”
“I know,” Lu Han wails. “I’m fucking worse than you. I didn’t think that was possible.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jongin says, affronted.
“It means I’m going crazy,” Lu Han sighs, curling around Jongin. He’s warm, and pleasant, entirely different from Kyungsoo, who left Jongin as if on fire, everything in turmoil. Jongin’s just not sure he can keep up, not sure if being in a relationship is even something he can handle. He really liked Kyungsoo, and there was something about the idea of losing him forever that ate Jongin up.
“Oh, you were definitely already crazy. Yixing has nothing to do with it,” Jongin assures, laughter muffled in Lu Han’s arm. Lu Han smacks him, sighing dramatically about horrible friends. “But what happened?”
“Oh, he was at the studio teaching a guitar class. I was leaving when he caught up to me, and we were so busy talking I didn’t realise he’d taken me his restaurant. His grandmother is incredibly nice,” Lu Han explains, pulling on Jongin’s hair lightly as he picks at it.
“Are you going to pursue her now?” Jongin asks innocently, cackling when Lu Han shoves him away, nearly pushing him off the bed. Jongin hangs off the edge, a little short of breath as his laughter dies down, watching Lu Han roll his eyes, and finally take off his coat.
“And how did your study date go? Did you cream your pants when he looked at you too long?” It’s Lu Han’s turn to laugh hysterically, failing to dodge the pillow Jongin throws at his face, or the kick to the shin.
“Asshole,” Jongin mutters, ignoring the shit-eating grin Lu Han’s still sending his way.
“Come on, ask him out. He’s not gonna say no,” Lu Han promises, sitting up, eyes on the television. Jongin watches a jellyfish float across the screen, the voiceover going on about it’s poisonous abilities.
“But that’s just it, what if he says yes and I fuck everything up?”
“Fuck what up, exactly?”
“I don’t know! I’ve never dated anyone. I can barely take care of myself, how am I going to date someone?”
“You sound like you’re making excuses,” Lu Han informs him, getting up to grab the food he’s left on the counter. Jongin watches him, chest a little heavy, feeling a little lost. He’s tired of getting his heart broken, of feeling like a failure; he’s tired of wanting people he can’t have, doesn’t deserve.
“Yeah, I guess,” Jongin says, too tired to push this conversation. Explaining that he found it hard to believe that someone like Kyungsoo could like him when he barely liked himself wasn’t easy and Jongin didn’t have it in him to try.
Jongin’s just finished cleaning the rice cooker when Baekhyun pops up out of nowhere, grinning like a madman. Jongin eyes him suspiciously, attempting to step past him but Baekhyun keeps blocking Jongin’s way, practically vibrating with excitement.
“What?” Jongin finally gives, sighing in defeat. He has to put away about one hundred plates and get through all the cups needing washing. He doesn’t have time for Baekhyun.
“Guess who’s here to see you? Guess, guess!” Baekhyun squeaks, jumping up and down on the spot. Jongin has a sinking suspicion he knows who it is, and really, he doesn’t understand Baekhyun and Jongdae’s extreme interest in his love life. Still, he wants to make this at least a little fun for himself.
“Your mom?” Jongin tries, smirking. Baekhyun gives him a nasty glare, smacking Jongin’s forehead before yanking him over to the order window, where Jongin spots Kyungsoo making conversation with a bubbling Jongdae. Fear strikes at Jongin’s core. Who fucking knew what nonsense Jongdae was spouting on about him?
“Will you two just suck face with each other and stop trying to ruin my life?” Jongin snaps at Baekhyun, who’s giggling and clapping his hands together.
He practically runs out of the back room, slipping behind the bar to drag Jongdae away from Kyungsoo. It’s not until he’s in front of Kyungsoo, a little ruffled, that he realises he can’t just shove Jongdae out of the way, especially not with the way Kyungsoo is smiling at him in knowing amusement.
“Hyung, hi, what’re you doing here?” Jongin asks, shooting Jongdae a glare as he snickers in the background, his arm draped over Jongin’s shoulder as he looks from Jongin to Kyungsoo. Maybe Jongin should have taken that job at the studio himself.
“I was in the area,” Kyungsoo smiles, eyeing Jongdae’s hand on Jongin’s shoulder with a certain level of disdain. Jongin’s stomach flip flops, and he pushes Jongdae away, sending him a meaningful look. Almost begging with his eyes.
“Alright, alright, I’m going. God, I didn’t know no one was allowed to talk to your boy -- ”
“Ahh!” Jongin screams, grateful that the diner was closed as he rushes to cover Jongdae’s mouth, and drag him away from Kyungsoo. “I will fucking tell Baekhyun about the shrine you’ve made Girl’s Day in your closet.” A look of horror passes over Jongdae’s face, and Jongin smiles viciously. “That’s right, you’re not the only one who knows how to snoop through people’s phones.”
Jongdae disappears into the back room and Jongin can spot Baekhyun’s head peeking over the top of the order window, watching Kyungsoo. Jongin sighs, really fucking tired of how ridiculous his co-workers were. He makes it back to Kyungsoo with a smile, perhaps a little forced, wanting to get out of the diner as soon as possible.
“Sorry about that,” Jongin murmurs, hands smoothing down his apron. He feels a little light-headed, like he’s spent the day blowing up balloons but Kyungsoo’s eyes are soft and kind. Jongin can do this. “But um, I’m really glad you came by to visit. I mean, obviously you didn’t just come here to see me, you were in the area, but it’s nice that you wanted to stop by,” he rambles, cursing himself under his breath.
“It’s a little insufferable how cute you are,” Kyungsoo responds, and Jongin’s feeling too many things all at once, human bodies didn’t know how to regulate this. Nursing school hadn’t prepared him for compliments!
“What?” Jongin manages, swallowing but Kyungsoo giving him a fond look, sliding a small white container over to Jongin.
“Hotteok,” Kyungsoo says. “I thought maybe you’d like it for dessert. Which is to say, I was hoping you’d want to come over for dinner.”
Jongin is pretty sure, from all the dramas he secretly watches -- for research purposes only, obviously -- that he’s being asked out on a date. This is the least ideal time for his lungs to collapse, stomach swooping upwards. He feels too hot, like maybe his brain’s going to melt out of his ears.
“Of course he does!” Baekhyun yells from the kitchen, and Jongin can’t fucking believe his luck. There’s a crashing sound behind him and Jongin doesn’t care to look back and see that his friends have done.
Kyungsoo’s suppressing a laugh, waiting patiently for Jongin to say something himself.
“Um, y-yeah, that’d be nice,” Jongin answers, thankful that he’s still capable of forming basic sentences.
“I’ll wait until you finish,” Kyungsoo grins, reaching forward to fix Jongin’s collar. Jongin tries his very best to keep standing, despite the wobble in his knees. He watches Kyungsoo go over to a booth by the window and slide in.
Ducking quickly when Kyungsoo glances over, Jongin smacks his forehead with a hand before he crawls to the kitchen entrance, in awe of his own stupidity. Do Kyungsoo wanted to date him. He was going to be so disappointed.
“Oh my god, you guys are so cute!” Baekhyun exclaims at the same time Jongdae laughs, “Did your knees give out, loverboy?”
Jongin wishes he had something to throw at Jongdae’s face.
He stands up, dusting off his knees. Thankfully Jongin had come to work after class. He had jeans, and a t-shirt that didn’t smell like fish guts. Baekhyun immediately hugs him, exclaiming about how happy he is for Jongin, and Jongdae takes Jongin’s sigh of exasperation as cue to join in.
“Okay, okay, I get it,” Jongin huffs, prying himself away. “I need to finish cleaning the dishes, I can’t stand here hugging you two all night.”
“What? No, you need to go on your date,” Baekhyun insists, exchanging a quick, silent look with Jongdae who nods before grinning at Jongin.
“We’ll finish the close, go. Be free, get laid,” Jongdae grins, clapping Jongin’s back before disappearing further into the depths of the back room.
Jongin stares at Baekhyun, a little surprised. “It’s a lot of work, hyung. I’ll finish my -- ”
“Nope! We got this, go get changed before I tell Kyungsoo lies about you.” Baekhyun shoves Jongin in the direction of the washroom, Jongin’s coat hanging off one of the hooks in the small alcove they treated like their lunch room.
Baekhyun disappears, too, and Jongin’s left changing out of his work clothes with a frantic heart rate. He yells out a goodbye as he wanders over to Kyungsoo, who looks a little bit like the nerd Lu Han’s taken to describing him as but Jongin really doesn’t care. His heart’s trembling all the same.
They make it to Kyungsoo’s apartment in silence, Jongin hardly trusting himself from not saying something idiotic. He kind of likes that Kyungsoo’s so quiet, his presence next to Jongin like a constant comfort. By the time Jongin’s sliding his shoes off at Kyungsoo’s place, he’s loosened up a little, having repeated to himself that he wasn’t going to ruin everything several times.
Kyungsoo makes them something he calls kimchi spaghetti and even agrees to just eating at his couch when Jongin whines about not wanting to move. Work is tiring, and Jongin’s been up since nine that morning, heading to class with Lu Han first before stumbling to work.
“I thought maybe you’d wanna watch the Star Trek remake?” Kyungsoo asks when he hands Jongin a plate of spaghetti. His mouth waters at the sight.
“That would be awesome,” Jongin grins, only choking a little when Kyungsoo bends over to turn the dvd player on. Jongin pretends he didn’t just blatantly stare at Kyungsoo’s ass and focuses on the food in front of him, far too aware of how Kyungsoo takes a seat barely an inch away from him.
Jongin attempts to eat slowly, infinitely worried that he was going to somehow drop the plate on himself, but he’s hungrier than he thought he was, mouth a little sore from the spiciness when he’s finished.
“I didn’t think you’d like it that much,” Kyungsoo comments, watching as Jongin places his plate on Kyungsoo’s coffee table, gulping down his glass of water to calm the heat in his mouth. When he settles back, he’s pressed into Kyungsoo’s side.
“It was delicious, hyung. And, I mean, of course I’d like it if you made it,” Jongin mumbles, refusing to even glance at Kyungsoo despite how much he wants to. He’d only turn redder. Instead, he focuses on the movie, only sneaking a glance at Kyungsoo when he reaches to put his plate away, too.
Jongin’s beyond full, the drowsiness of contentment leaving his guard a little down. He leans into Kyungsoo, head resting on his shoulder, lazily watching Kirk meet Bones for the first time. He’s about to tell Kyungsoo that he reminds Jongin a lot of Bones but Kyungsoo’s hand is slipping into his. Something lodges in Jongin’s throat, Kyungsoo’s hand heavy in Jongin’s, fingers fitting through the gaps of Jongin’s. He stares at their hands, Kyungsoo’s thumb tracing over Jongin’s wrist, circling the jut of bone.
Nothing’s ever felt quite so right to Jongin before. Not dancing until his legs feel like jelly, not staying up with Lu Han until four in the morning watching Lord of the Rings, nothing. It terrifies him.
Kyungsoo has Jongin’s hand in his lap, free hand tracing absentminded patterns into Jongin’s skin. It’s incredibly distracting, and Jongin’s definitely not paying attention to the movie anymore, attempting to make sense of Kyungsoo.
“I wasn’t aware the movie was playing on my face, Jongin,” Kyungsoo says quietly, turning his head toward Jongin slowly, mouth curled into a smirk. They’re so close, Kyungsoo’s right there, and Jongin’s first kiss was with Jung Soojung in Sehun’s backyard when he was thirteen. His heart hadn’t beat this fast, nor had he turned beet red for quite the same reasons.
Kyungsoo’s lips are softer than anything Jongin could have imagined, everything around Jongin suddenly turning to silence as Kyungsoo’s fingers wrap around the back of Jongin’s neck. It’s tentative, careful, the tremble in Jongin’s hand absorbed by Kyungsoo as soundlessly as the sigh Jongin lets out. He presses in a little harder, heat coiling in his gut, toes curling as Kyungsoo sucks softly on Jongin’s upper lip, tongue swiping over Jongin’s lower seconds later.
“Hyung,” Jongin shudders, pulling away when he can’t seem to suck air past the thickness in his throat, the sudden realisation of what he’s done hitting him like a freight train. There was no going back now. There was just this.
“Hey, you okay?” Kyungsoo says softly, thumb tracing down Jongin’s jaw. Jongin stomach twists awfully, barely capable of swallowing down a rising sense of dread.
“Yeah,” Jongin breathes, giving Kyungsoo his best smile. He’s overthinking, per usual. Everything was going to be okay. Kyungsoo had kissed him, after all.
Kyungsoo only hums, drawing back, but he squeezes Jongin’s hand, doesn’t let go the rest of the night, not until Jongin has to leave, the lump in Jongin’s throat growing three times bigger in the hour that passes.
When Kyungsoo leans against the door as Jongin puts on his shoes, desperately trying to hide the tremble in his hands, Kyungsoo zips up Jongin’s jacket for him. He presses a kiss against Jongin’s cheek, and smiles reassuringly, eyes a little sad.
“I don’t mind waiting a little longer, Jongin, but you have to trust me. I like you just the way you are, I always have.”
Jongin doesn’t know what to say, feeling closer to throwing up so he does the only thing he can. He leaves.
Jongin nearly has a panic attack in the elevator, isn’t quite sure how he makes it home. But he does, stumbling inside, breathing finally steady again. He doesn’t feel ready for this, doesn’t think he’s good enough, and his chest is squeezing tighter and tighter around his heart, his lungs. He sinks against the back of the door, willing himself not to cry.
“Jongin?” Lu Han’s voice is far off, the sound of footsteps booming louder and louder, until Jongin thinks he can see every resounding step flash red behind his eyes. “Hey, Jongin, are you okay?”
How many times was Lu Han going to have to deal with Jongin falling apart? How many times would Kyungsoo? Jongin didn’t want to do this to someone.
“Jongin?” Lu Han sounds frantic, kneeling in front of Jongin as he attempts to get Jongin to look up at him, hands finding Jongin’s somehow.
“I’m okay,” Jongin finally rasps, tears slipping down his cheeks despite his efforts to keep them in. “I’m okay.” He knows Lu Han isn’t convinced, knows he’s saying this for himself but he doesn’t know what else to say. It’s not like Lu Han could make everything go away.
“Look at me,” Lu Han instructs and Jongin does, too tired to feel ashamed of crying. “I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere, and you don’t need to be okay. You can be everything you feel and I’m going to be right here the entire time.”
Jongin shakes as he cries, Lu Han pulling him into a hug.
And he’s right there when Jongin stops, hand smoothing down Jongin’s arm over and over.
Jongin goes to class, and to work, and spends the rest of his time holed up in his room. Lu Han tells Yixing he might miss a few classes, assuring Jongin that he only told Yixing Jongin has a bad case of strep throat. Yixing sends a light chicken broth home with Lu Han every time they see each other, and Jongin only feels worse.
There is only so much stupidity Jongin’s friends needed to deal with. Jongin hadn’t even explained anything to Lu Han yet, allowing him to think that Kyungsoo had broken Jongin’s heart or something.
It’s not until he’s managed to crawl out of his bed to spread out over Lu Han’s that Lu Han asks about what happened, a bowl of cereal in hand.
“Kyungsoo kissed me,” Jongin says, voice muffled by the pillow he’s attempting to hide his face in. “Everything felt too real, so I kind of panicked.”
“It felt too real?” Lu Han repeats, looking like he wanted to punch Jongin in the face. Jongin didn’t blame him. “Jongin.”
“I know, I’m a loser,” Jongin confesses. He rolls over, running a hand through his hair.
“No, you’re not,” Lu Han sighs, sticking his cereal bowl on the small table he’d bought since moving into the apartment. It was littered with empty cans and scraps of paper. “I don’t even know what you are. Do you not like Kyungsoo anymore?”
“No, he’s...I don’t even know how long I’ve liked him, okay. But that’s the thing; I’ve known him for so long. He’s really important to me.”
“And being in a relationship will...what? Make him less important?” Lu Han sounds exasperated, rightfully so. Jongin’s pretty tired of himself, too.
“What if I lose him as a friend? What if I screw one more thing up? I don’t even know why he likes me,” Jongin sighs, staring at the ceiling again. Jongin had stuck glow in the dark stars to it, so Lu Han had something to stare at when he couldn’t fall asleep.
“One failed audition doesn’t make you a failure, Jongin,” Lu Han asserts, giving Jongin a firm look.
“Everything went to shit after it though,” Jongin mumbles. His mother had been so disappointed, and somehow in the universe where Jongin didn’t screw up getting into K-ARTS, he was still friends with Sehun. He didn’t hate everything quite so much.
“Tomorrow you’re going out with me and Yixing, and I’m gonna tell Yixing what a liar you are so he can kick your ass,” Lu Han tells him, leaving Jongin on the bed as he heads toward the bathroom.
“Yixing-hyung wouldn’t hurt a fly!” Jongin yells back. “And he loves me!”
Jongin’s afraid of a lot things: birds, the impending doom of a future oil crisis, aliens taking over the planet, blackouts, the ever frightening future, but Kyungsoo is something different altogether. He can’t run away from a single person forever, least of all someone who he values as a friend. He didn’t want to lose someone so important to him, and even if Jongin really fucking liked Kyungsoo, there was no guarantee they’d still stay friends if things didn’t work out.
And that was the most terrifying thing of all.
The rooftop is empty, Jongin wandering over to the edge aimlessly. He doesn’t know what he’s doing here, wind heavier than usual as it whips Jongin’s hair around. His school uniform isn’t warm enough, a chatter settling in Jongin’s teeth as he peers over the edge of his high school. Jongin likes heights, likes looking down and out and across at the vastness of the world. Somehow it’s comforting.
The wind slows down suddenly, the calm in Jongin’s heart replaced by curiosity. He glances around, watches as everything seems to dull out, the brightness of the sun washing out so quickly, and Jongin’s terrified of turning around. It’s there, it’s always there.
There’s nowhere to run. The rooftop is shrinking, mutating grey slabs of cement into black marble, and Jongin’s in the endless tunnel again. But he’s rooted to the spot, unable to get his legs moving. It’s coming, so close, something vile and horrifying ready to swallow Jongin up.
“Jongin!” The voice seems to snap him out of his daze, bolting toward the direction he’d heard his name come from. He runs faster, the voice repeating his name, calling out. The thing behind him is slow this time, slower than it ever has been, and everything flickers around him, morphing into snapshots of his apartment, his bedroom, until everything stops and Jongin stumbles, crashing forward.
“Jongin?”
Jongin looks up to find Kyungsoo, tossing a panicked glance behind himself, only to find nothing. When he looks back at Kyungsoo, he’s gone, and Jongin is sitting in his room, drenched in sweat, blood rushing to his head.
“Where are we going?” Jongin asks Lu Han for the tenth time, regretting his lack of socks. November is freezing, as if coming back with a vengeance and the desire to freeze Seoul over.
“I told you it was a surprise,” Lu Han answers, punching Jongin in the arm, the most obvious way to get Jongin to shut up, apparently. It doesn’t work, obviously, and Jongin proceeds to whine about how cold he is and how awful Lu Han is until Lu Han finally stops in front of a noraebang, smiling smugly as he drags Jongin in.
“No, I hate singing! You know I can’t sing,” Jongin whines, dragging his feet as Lu Han pulls Jongin toward one of the rooms. When they enter, Yixing’s already there, fidgeting with the karaoke machine.
“Jongin!” he exclaims, clambering up to give Jongin a full bodied hug. Jongin’s a little dazed, surprised at how much he’s missed Yixing, arms wrapping around him tightly. Lu Han shuffles past them, plopping down on one of the couches. “I missed you. Classes weren’t the same with you.”
“I’m sorry about lying,” Jongin mumbles.
“It’s alright, liking people is hard. I’m just glad you’re doing a little better,” Yixing smiles, tugging into the room. Lu Han pulls out the six pack of beer he’d snuck in, grinning satisfyingly as he pops open a can.
“You were supposed to be mean to him,” Lu Han sighs at Yixing, who grabs the beer in Lu Han’s hand and takes a sip.
“I was going to try but then I saw his adorable face again,” Yixing coos, pinching Jongin’s cheek. Jongin pushes his hand away, huffing, eyes narrowing at Lu Han who’s snickering at Jongin’s embarrassment.
“I’m not singing until I’m drunk,” Jongin informs them, leaning back against the couch and waiting for either Yixing or Lu Han to kickstart this night of fun, as Lu Han had called it.
In the end, Lu Han goes first, predictably selecting DBSK’s Mirotic, Lu Han’s self-declared Best Song Ever. Jongin, despite knowing all the lyrics, refuses to join him, even after persistent jabs in the side from Yixing and a kick from Lu Han. Enthused, Lu Han decides to sing another song, already lost to the world of high notes and dramatics.
“Lu Han told me about everything. I hope that’s okay,” Yixing says, as they watch Lu Han attempt to sing and dance at the same time, Jongin laughing when Lu Han nearly trips.
Jongin shrugs, smiling at Yixing. “It saves me the trouble.”
“How’re you feeling?”
“Like I’ve been ignoring all of Kyungsoo’s texts and calls for a week. Possibly, also, like I’ve screwed everything up as I predicted,” Jongin answers. Jongin wishes he didn’t sound so pathetic.
‘You haven’t screwed anything up,” Yixing assures him. “He likes you, right?”
“Well, he said he did, and then I ran away,” Jongin laughs self-deprecatingly. Lu Han pauses in the middle of his rendition of Rising Sun, sending them a thumbs up before he chugs from the beer Yixing’s left on the table. Jongin wonders how purposeful the action is, holding back a smile.
“And you like him?”
Jongin licks his lips, wishing he knew what to do with his hands. He squeezes his thighs, eyeing the beer on the table. “Yeah, a lot.”
Possibly I love him, Jongin wants to say, but that’s a lot to digest even if he’s been mulling it over for the better part of a month. The week he’s spent moping has given him a little perspective, Kyungsoo’s mouth haunting him even in his waking moments. There’s no doubt he enjoyed the kiss, or that he wants to maybe kiss him a lot more. Fear just had a stubborn hold over him, but that fear was beginning to get a little murky. Jongin wanted to be more than his fears.
“It might help to just tell him that. You don’t have to date or do anything you don’t feel ready for,” Yixing comforts, squeezing Jongin in a side hug.
“Thanks hyung,” Jongin smiles, Lu Han finally dragging Yixing up to cover Super Junior M’s Super Girl. Jongin thinks they’re cute, thinking back to how Baekhyun had called him and Kyungsoo that. Maybe he could tell Kyungsoo his fears. Maybe Kyungsoo wouldn’t run away like Jongin expected; after all, he was perfect.
Jongin stands in front of the coffee shop, head pounding from his hangover, but determined that he wasn’t going to run off from sheer terror. Actually, after last night’s drunken fun, Jongin’s more confident than anything else. For the first time in a while, Jongin had forgotten all his worries and lived in the moment, enjoyed the company of his friends without worrying about the looming dread of exams or how he didn’t feel good enough for them.
As far as Kyungsoo was concerned, Jongin had stopped thinking about him sometime between their first attempt at singing Gee and their third. The night had ended on a somber note, when Yixing started singing sad, depressing ballads, their cue to head home.
He’s slept about three hours, and he most likely looks like shit but Chanyeol had told him, half-asleep, that Kyungsoo would only be working until noon, after which he had class. Jongin needed to tell him now or he would chicken out and everything would go to shit again. Jongin can almost hear Lu Han’s exasperated voice telling him to get the fuck on with it.
After taking a deep breath, Jongin opens the door, slipping inside as quietly as possible. He spots Kyungsoo immediately, standing at the cash register, looking a little worse for wear. Jongin feels guilty, but mostly he thinks Kyungsoo looks really fucking good in crisp, white dress shirts and that was wholly unfair.
Potentially, Jongin’s still a little drunk. He really hopes the shower washed the smell of beer off of him.
‘You can do this,” he tells himself, exhaling as he joins the line to place an order. His was a little out of the ordinary but Jongin really hopes Kyungsoo can make an exception.
Kyungsoo’s sticking money into his till when Jongin reaches the counter. Without looking up, he smiles, “Hi, how can I -- Jongin.”
“Hi,” Jongin breathes, trying his best to smile despite the reserved look on Kyungsoo’s features. That was his own fault, he had no right to feel upset over it. Just dumb. “Um, sorry for showing up here but I was hoping we could talk after your shift?”
Kyungsoo licks his lips, looking at Jongin intently before nodding. “I’m done in ten minutes, I’ll meet you outside.”
Jongin lets out the breath he’s holding, deflating with relief. He gives Kyungsoo his best smile, mumbling a thank you before leaving him to his work. He makes it outside, hands fisting into his jacket. For the first time, Jongin doesn’t have a speech he’s practised in front of the mirror a thousand times because confrontations terrified him. He just showed up hoping he could maybe word vomit his way through this. His palms are sweaty, throat constricting as time goes by waiting for Kyungsoo.
He’s about to peek inside when Kyungsoo steps out of the door, and Jongin knows he’s in love and all but Kyungsoo still takes his breath away, still looks like the most beautiful thing Jongin’s ever set his eyes on. Jongin can’t stand it.
“Hyung,” Jongin greets, waits for Kyungsoo to move, to something besides stand in the doorway. He finally moves, grabbing Jongin by the wrist and pulling him down an alley. They end up at the back of the shop, Kyungsoo’s hand slipping away when they’re out of sight completely.
“You wanted to talk?” Jongin’s heard Kyungsoo use his unimpressed voice before, just never at him, and it prickles at Jongin’s heart. He swallows down the hurt, smiling instead.
“I’m,” Jongin starts, wincing when Kyungsoo fixes him with an intensely disinterested look. You can do this, he repeats to himself. Jongin sucks in his lower lip before letting it go, shifting his gaze to look at the buttons on Kyungsoo’s coat rather than the firm press of his lips. “I fucked up. I fuck up a lot, actually, and I was so convinced I would screw up our friendship that I didn’t want to...Even thinking about losing you makes me miserable and most couples don’t stay friends when they break up, and I just didn’t want to risk it.”
He takes in a deep breath, continuing, “I mean, I don’t even understand why you like me, or how you could. Sometimes I get so scared of everything I can’t leave my bed, and that’s the opposite of attractive, really. I guess, I just think you could do better and I don’t really deserve you but I, I...” Jongin swallows. “I like you. A lot.”
Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything, grabbing Jongin by his jacket and yanking him forward until their mouths crash together. Jongin gasps into Kyungsoo’s mouth, the press of his lips hungry and angry and ferocious. Jongin’s chest feels like it’s been cracked open, suddenly able to breathe, the butterflies in his stomach fluttering out all at once, body melting into Kyungsoo easily.
"You don't get to decide what I deserve," Kyungsoo breathes, hand still fisted in Jongin's shirt. Jongin's not breathing, barely daring to blink. "If you're scared, it's okay. I am, too, but I love you and I want you and I need you to believe me."
“L-love me?” Jongin stutters, eyes wide. Kyungsoo nods, firm, and Jongin doesn’t understand how someone who looks so tiny and cute can be so assertive and confident at the same time. He really just wants to kiss Kyungsoo again.
“I, I want you, too,” Jongin mumbles, blushing, the quiver in his hands disappearing as he wraps them around Kyungsoo’s neck, leaning in to kiss Kyungsoo as boldly as possible. Kyungsoo doesn’t let him go until Jongin’s breathless, shoulders colliding with brick wall as Kyungsoo leans closer yet, mouthing kisses along Jongin’s jaw.
“You made me wait for so long,” Kyungsoo whispers, teeth scraping over Jongin’s neck.
“I’m sorry,” Jongin gasps, barely audible. He lets himself enjoy this, enjoy Kyungsoo’s hands all over him, enjoy the softness of Kyungsoo’s hair in Jongin’s hand, enjoy the way Kyungsoo’s heart seems to be beating just in time with Jongin’s.
“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo says, pulling away from Jongin to look up at him, fond eyes betraying his smirk. “You can repay me somehow.”
part two
Jongin stares at his anatomy notes, sinking back into his chair. Mindless memorizing wasn't his strongest skill, and then there was the occasional difficulty of focusing long enough to absorb it all. He stares at his phone, the blinking green light distracting.
Lu Han’s passed out on the couch, having just finished a lab write up. There’s an empty bowl of Shim Ramyun next to this textbook and countless diagrams of the central nervous system scattered around the dining room table. Across the table, in an equally messy cluster, are Lu Han’s lab notes and a crudely drawn diagram of the human heart with Lu Han’s messy Korean pointing at various parts. He’d tried to help but Jongin had felt guilty, taking up his time. At the very least, Jongin had mastered drawing the heart, even if his diagram never looked as good as the one in the textbook.
Sighing, Jongin grabs his phone, unlocking the front screen to read the text from Kyungsoo he knows is there.
how’s studying?
terrible, Jongin writes back, sucking in a deep breath. Kyungsoo was probably busy with his own schoolwork; pre-med had always sounded terrifying to Jongin.
The reply lights up the screen seconds later, and Jongin wonders if studying has spent as much of Kyungsoo’s energy has it has Jongin’s.
lol studying anatomy?
Jongin blinks in surprise, sending a quick reply back. yeah.ami that predictable?
you only seem to hate anatomy. i can help you out, if you want. i did pretty well in my course
Jongin’s probably smiling stupidly at his phone screen, Yixing’s love-struck look, but he doesn’t care. Having Kyungsoo’s attention made him feel warm, like a day spent lying in bed doing absolutely nothing. Jongin hadn’t had one of those in a while.
only if you have time. i don’t wanna bother you
i always have time for you
Jongin finds himself standing in front of Kyungsoo’s apartment, somehow still in one piece. He’d been a little unsure about making if off the subway when he’d thought himself into a panic, entirely possible scenarios passing through his thoughts. What if Jongin accidentally set Kyungsoo’s apartment on fire? Or worse, what if he tried to talk and nothing but crying sounds came out because he was in Kyungsoo’s apartment?
Kyungsoo had said to call him when he got there, Jongin having followed the directions he’d been emailed. Thankfully, Jongin’s list of fatal flaws did not include a terrible sense of direction, and he’d overcome (sort of) his increasing fear of somehow fucking this whole thing up.
“You can do this,” Jongin whispers encouragingly to himself, hitting dial. Kyungsoo picks up on the third ring, voice like velvet.
“Hello? Jongin?”
“Kyungsoo-hyung! I’m waiting downstairs,” Jongin says, licking his lips. This is a study session, he tells himself, a mini mantra to keep him from bolting. Granted, studying in someone’s apartment might be a little terrifying since no one else would be around but Jongin could do this.
The sound of a loud buzz startles Jongin, phone nearly slipping out of his hand. The security guard on the other side of the front doors snorts, causing Jongin to blush, fingers gripping his phone a little tighter.
“Seventh floor, right?” Jongin mumbles, keeping his head low as he shuffles inside, heading toward the elevators.
“Apartment four,” Kyungsoo reminds.
“Thanks, hyung. I’ll be there soon,” Jongin smiles, ending the call. He takes a deep breath when the elevator dings open, empty. Jongin’s grateful about that, stepping inside quietly. When the doors slide shut, Jongin sags against the walls, clearly working himself up over nothing.
Kyungsoo wasn’t going to hate Jongin forever because of the slight chance that Jongin might tip over a glass of water set too close to Kyungsoo’s notes. No, because that wasn’t going to happen. Lu Han had mumbled something about Jongin being hopeless when he’d left the apartment. Jongin didn’t want to admit he was.
He knocks on Kyungsoo’s door exactly five times, a fist a flurry of motion before a finger presses his lower lip against his teeth, biting on the skin. Kyungsoo opens the door with a smile, and for the first time in a while, Jongin finds Kyungsoo in a t-shirt, the neckline a little too big. Jongin can spot the moles along his neck, the ones he’s definitely never thought about tracing with his mouth. No siree.
“Hey,” Kyungsoo grins, looking far too happy to see Jongin.
“Hi,” Jongin exhales, stepping in as Kyungsoo pulls him inside. The apartment is nicer than Jongin’s, despite being a bachelor’s, but then Kyungsoo’s parents were both dentists so that made sense. He isn’t envious, just a little terrified he might ruin something.
“I set up in the kitchen,” Kyungsoo tells Jongin, leading him over to his kitchen table. It’s small, just two chairs and Kyungsoo’s shifted them both over to the same side, notes placed in a neat pile in a corner. There’s a bowl of shrimp crackers and two cartons of strawberry milk, and Jongin already thinks Kyungsoo is perfect, but the little reminders are welcome. “I have more in the fridge.”
“You’re the best hyung,” Jongin grins, grabbing a carton as he takes a seat, Kyungsoo sliding into the chair next to him. He’s sitting terribly close, knee pressing into Jongin’s as he leans over his notes, glancing back at Jongin.
“I thought maybe I’d test you on some stuff to figure out where you needed help the most,” Kyungsoo offers, diving right in. He shuffles through his notes, pulling out what appears to be an old test. Jongin doesn’t miss the 95 percent scribbled in the top right corner. Jongin had struggled to get the 80 on his midterm, relief mixing in with a little pride. Pushing away his natural instincts to compare himself, Jongin focuses on answering Kyungsoo’s questions, frustration getting the better of him when he blanks out on some of the more obvious things.
“You’re a visual learner, right?” Kyungsoo asks, after he’s gone through three different tests, allowing for a small break. Jongin nods his head, collapsing on top of his anatomy textbook. He rubs at his eyes, sighing as he goes over homeostasis feedback loops in his head.
A hand runs through his hair, Jongin’s body stiffening, breath caught in his throat. Kyungsoo settles his hand at the base of Jongin’s neck, and Jongin’s terrified of moving, doesn’t want Kyungsoo to stop rubbing little circles into Jongin’s skin with his thumb. His fingers are warm, Jongin’s pulse thickening.
Kyungsoo’s hand combs through his hair a few more times before Jongin turns to look at him, unsure what to do with the fond look Kyungsoo’s giving him. It feels a little like Jongin’s been wrapped in a blanket, and he smiles stupidly before sighing and straightening out. Kyungsoo slides his hand down Jongin’s spine, simultaneously comforting and agonizing before he pulls away.
They go over the dreaded CNS first, Kyungsoo drawing out flowcharts for Jongin to follow along, asking Jongin to go into detail about how the body detected pain and smells. As Jongin stumbles through his answers, trying not to go through his notes, Kyungsoo smiles encouragingly turning Jongin’s anxious desire to impress Kyungsoo into a simmering happiness that he was doing better than he expected.
Studying with Kyungsoo is successful, if success is measured by the number of times Jongin’s managed to not get caught staring at the graceful arch of his neck, or the five moles disappearing down his t-shirt. He’s also managed to memorise the various muscle types located in the human body and given Kyungsoo details about their purpose. Jongin’s diagram of the heart even looks less horrible, Kyungsoo carefully pointing out that Jongin’s left atrium was bigger than it needed to be.
“I’m not sure what you were so worried about, you practically know everything,” Kyungsoo compliments, leaning in toward Jongin, his hand settling on Jongin’s thigh. Jongin’s supposed to be drawing a diagram of the digestive system but his own stomach is attempting to grumble and twist at the same time. Jongin’s not sure if he’s hungry or if Kyungsoo’s sending his body into haywire again.
His chin is resting on the edge of Jongin’s shoulder, arm pressing into Jongin’s back as he balances his weight by placing a hand on the back of Jongin’s seat. His hand is terribly close to Jongin’s ass, something Jongin’s really only thought about in the privacy of his morning showers. Jongin knows he’s a hopeless cause.
“I never really made this many flowcharts,” Jongin mumbles, flushed. Kyungsoo’s so close, so warm, and nice, and Jongin’s in love, he knows that but he’s terrified all the same. And Jongin had a lot of trouble thinking he was worth Kyungsoo’s time, even if all he wanted was Kyungsoo’s attention fixed on him.
“I’m glad you didn’t,” Kyungsoo says softly. He’s pulling away, smirking now. “I wouldn’t have gotten you all to myself otherwise.”
Jongin nearly chokes on his own spit, masking the embarrassment with a cough. He grabs his strawberry milk, downing the last few drops, steadfastly ignoring the jump in his pulse or how he feels hot all over.
Kyungsoo chuckles, the amused look on his face only increasing Jongin’s despair. “You forgot to label everything on the diagram, Jongin.” He gets up from his seat, grabbing Jongin another strawberry milk, and Jongin internally curses at himself for being the biggest loser on the planet.
Jongin’s a little dazed when he finally gets home, exhausted from the emotional ups and downs of the last two hours. He finds Lu Han spread out over his bed, watching some documentary on jellyfish, jacket still on. Jongin collapses next to him, mumbling a hello as he drapes an arm over Lu Han’s chest, using his arm as a pillow. Lu Han makes a sound of recognition, and Jongin finally spots the Chinese food sitting on the kitchen counter.
“Already visiting your boyfriend at his family restaurant, hyung?” Jongin snickers, needing the distraction from his own woes.
“I’ll punch you,” Lu Han threatens, but he hasn’t budged, hasn’t even huffed in annoyance that Jongin’s on his bed.
“Are you capable of that right now? Man, you’ve known Yixing for like a week.”
“I know,” Lu Han wails. “I’m fucking worse than you. I didn’t think that was possible.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jongin says, affronted.
“It means I’m going crazy,” Lu Han sighs, curling around Jongin. He’s warm, and pleasant, entirely different from Kyungsoo, who left Jongin as if on fire, everything in turmoil. Jongin’s just not sure he can keep up, not sure if being in a relationship is even something he can handle. He really liked Kyungsoo, and there was something about the idea of losing him forever that ate Jongin up.
“Oh, you were definitely already crazy. Yixing has nothing to do with it,” Jongin assures, laughter muffled in Lu Han’s arm. Lu Han smacks him, sighing dramatically about horrible friends. “But what happened?”
“Oh, he was at the studio teaching a guitar class. I was leaving when he caught up to me, and we were so busy talking I didn’t realise he’d taken me his restaurant. His grandmother is incredibly nice,” Lu Han explains, pulling on Jongin’s hair lightly as he picks at it.
“Are you going to pursue her now?” Jongin asks innocently, cackling when Lu Han shoves him away, nearly pushing him off the bed. Jongin hangs off the edge, a little short of breath as his laughter dies down, watching Lu Han roll his eyes, and finally take off his coat.
“And how did your study date go? Did you cream your pants when he looked at you too long?” It’s Lu Han’s turn to laugh hysterically, failing to dodge the pillow Jongin throws at his face, or the kick to the shin.
“Asshole,” Jongin mutters, ignoring the shit-eating grin Lu Han’s still sending his way.
“Come on, ask him out. He’s not gonna say no,” Lu Han promises, sitting up, eyes on the television. Jongin watches a jellyfish float across the screen, the voiceover going on about it’s poisonous abilities.
“But that’s just it, what if he says yes and I fuck everything up?”
“Fuck what up, exactly?”
“I don’t know! I’ve never dated anyone. I can barely take care of myself, how am I going to date someone?”
“You sound like you’re making excuses,” Lu Han informs him, getting up to grab the food he’s left on the counter. Jongin watches him, chest a little heavy, feeling a little lost. He’s tired of getting his heart broken, of feeling like a failure; he’s tired of wanting people he can’t have, doesn’t deserve.
“Yeah, I guess,” Jongin says, too tired to push this conversation. Explaining that he found it hard to believe that someone like Kyungsoo could like him when he barely liked himself wasn’t easy and Jongin didn’t have it in him to try.
Jongin’s just finished cleaning the rice cooker when Baekhyun pops up out of nowhere, grinning like a madman. Jongin eyes him suspiciously, attempting to step past him but Baekhyun keeps blocking Jongin’s way, practically vibrating with excitement.
“What?” Jongin finally gives, sighing in defeat. He has to put away about one hundred plates and get through all the cups needing washing. He doesn’t have time for Baekhyun.
“Guess who’s here to see you? Guess, guess!” Baekhyun squeaks, jumping up and down on the spot. Jongin has a sinking suspicion he knows who it is, and really, he doesn’t understand Baekhyun and Jongdae’s extreme interest in his love life. Still, he wants to make this at least a little fun for himself.
“Your mom?” Jongin tries, smirking. Baekhyun gives him a nasty glare, smacking Jongin’s forehead before yanking him over to the order window, where Jongin spots Kyungsoo making conversation with a bubbling Jongdae. Fear strikes at Jongin’s core. Who fucking knew what nonsense Jongdae was spouting on about him?
“Will you two just suck face with each other and stop trying to ruin my life?” Jongin snaps at Baekhyun, who’s giggling and clapping his hands together.
He practically runs out of the back room, slipping behind the bar to drag Jongdae away from Kyungsoo. It’s not until he’s in front of Kyungsoo, a little ruffled, that he realises he can’t just shove Jongdae out of the way, especially not with the way Kyungsoo is smiling at him in knowing amusement.
“Hyung, hi, what’re you doing here?” Jongin asks, shooting Jongdae a glare as he snickers in the background, his arm draped over Jongin’s shoulder as he looks from Jongin to Kyungsoo. Maybe Jongin should have taken that job at the studio himself.
“I was in the area,” Kyungsoo smiles, eyeing Jongdae’s hand on Jongin’s shoulder with a certain level of disdain. Jongin’s stomach flip flops, and he pushes Jongdae away, sending him a meaningful look. Almost begging with his eyes.
“Alright, alright, I’m going. God, I didn’t know no one was allowed to talk to your boy -- ”
“Ahh!” Jongin screams, grateful that the diner was closed as he rushes to cover Jongdae’s mouth, and drag him away from Kyungsoo. “I will fucking tell Baekhyun about the shrine you’ve made Girl’s Day in your closet.” A look of horror passes over Jongdae’s face, and Jongin smiles viciously. “That’s right, you’re not the only one who knows how to snoop through people’s phones.”
Jongdae disappears into the back room and Jongin can spot Baekhyun’s head peeking over the top of the order window, watching Kyungsoo. Jongin sighs, really fucking tired of how ridiculous his co-workers were. He makes it back to Kyungsoo with a smile, perhaps a little forced, wanting to get out of the diner as soon as possible.
“Sorry about that,” Jongin murmurs, hands smoothing down his apron. He feels a little light-headed, like he’s spent the day blowing up balloons but Kyungsoo’s eyes are soft and kind. Jongin can do this. “But um, I’m really glad you came by to visit. I mean, obviously you didn’t just come here to see me, you were in the area, but it’s nice that you wanted to stop by,” he rambles, cursing himself under his breath.
“It’s a little insufferable how cute you are,” Kyungsoo responds, and Jongin’s feeling too many things all at once, human bodies didn’t know how to regulate this. Nursing school hadn’t prepared him for compliments!
“What?” Jongin manages, swallowing but Kyungsoo giving him a fond look, sliding a small white container over to Jongin.
“Hotteok,” Kyungsoo says. “I thought maybe you’d like it for dessert. Which is to say, I was hoping you’d want to come over for dinner.”
Jongin is pretty sure, from all the dramas he secretly watches -- for research purposes only, obviously -- that he’s being asked out on a date. This is the least ideal time for his lungs to collapse, stomach swooping upwards. He feels too hot, like maybe his brain’s going to melt out of his ears.
“Of course he does!” Baekhyun yells from the kitchen, and Jongin can’t fucking believe his luck. There’s a crashing sound behind him and Jongin doesn’t care to look back and see that his friends have done.
Kyungsoo’s suppressing a laugh, waiting patiently for Jongin to say something himself.
“Um, y-yeah, that’d be nice,” Jongin answers, thankful that he’s still capable of forming basic sentences.
“I’ll wait until you finish,” Kyungsoo grins, reaching forward to fix Jongin’s collar. Jongin tries his very best to keep standing, despite the wobble in his knees. He watches Kyungsoo go over to a booth by the window and slide in.
Ducking quickly when Kyungsoo glances over, Jongin smacks his forehead with a hand before he crawls to the kitchen entrance, in awe of his own stupidity. Do Kyungsoo wanted to date him. He was going to be so disappointed.
“Oh my god, you guys are so cute!” Baekhyun exclaims at the same time Jongdae laughs, “Did your knees give out, loverboy?”
Jongin wishes he had something to throw at Jongdae’s face.
He stands up, dusting off his knees. Thankfully Jongin had come to work after class. He had jeans, and a t-shirt that didn’t smell like fish guts. Baekhyun immediately hugs him, exclaiming about how happy he is for Jongin, and Jongdae takes Jongin’s sigh of exasperation as cue to join in.
“Okay, okay, I get it,” Jongin huffs, prying himself away. “I need to finish cleaning the dishes, I can’t stand here hugging you two all night.”
“What? No, you need to go on your date,” Baekhyun insists, exchanging a quick, silent look with Jongdae who nods before grinning at Jongin.
“We’ll finish the close, go. Be free, get laid,” Jongdae grins, clapping Jongin’s back before disappearing further into the depths of the back room.
Jongin stares at Baekhyun, a little surprised. “It’s a lot of work, hyung. I’ll finish my -- ”
“Nope! We got this, go get changed before I tell Kyungsoo lies about you.” Baekhyun shoves Jongin in the direction of the washroom, Jongin’s coat hanging off one of the hooks in the small alcove they treated like their lunch room.
Baekhyun disappears, too, and Jongin’s left changing out of his work clothes with a frantic heart rate. He yells out a goodbye as he wanders over to Kyungsoo, who looks a little bit like the nerd Lu Han’s taken to describing him as but Jongin really doesn’t care. His heart’s trembling all the same.
They make it to Kyungsoo’s apartment in silence, Jongin hardly trusting himself from not saying something idiotic. He kind of likes that Kyungsoo’s so quiet, his presence next to Jongin like a constant comfort. By the time Jongin’s sliding his shoes off at Kyungsoo’s place, he’s loosened up a little, having repeated to himself that he wasn’t going to ruin everything several times.
Kyungsoo makes them something he calls kimchi spaghetti and even agrees to just eating at his couch when Jongin whines about not wanting to move. Work is tiring, and Jongin’s been up since nine that morning, heading to class with Lu Han first before stumbling to work.
“I thought maybe you’d wanna watch the Star Trek remake?” Kyungsoo asks when he hands Jongin a plate of spaghetti. His mouth waters at the sight.
“That would be awesome,” Jongin grins, only choking a little when Kyungsoo bends over to turn the dvd player on. Jongin pretends he didn’t just blatantly stare at Kyungsoo’s ass and focuses on the food in front of him, far too aware of how Kyungsoo takes a seat barely an inch away from him.
Jongin attempts to eat slowly, infinitely worried that he was going to somehow drop the plate on himself, but he’s hungrier than he thought he was, mouth a little sore from the spiciness when he’s finished.
“I didn’t think you’d like it that much,” Kyungsoo comments, watching as Jongin places his plate on Kyungsoo’s coffee table, gulping down his glass of water to calm the heat in his mouth. When he settles back, he’s pressed into Kyungsoo’s side.
“It was delicious, hyung. And, I mean, of course I’d like it if you made it,” Jongin mumbles, refusing to even glance at Kyungsoo despite how much he wants to. He’d only turn redder. Instead, he focuses on the movie, only sneaking a glance at Kyungsoo when he reaches to put his plate away, too.
Jongin’s beyond full, the drowsiness of contentment leaving his guard a little down. He leans into Kyungsoo, head resting on his shoulder, lazily watching Kirk meet Bones for the first time. He’s about to tell Kyungsoo that he reminds Jongin a lot of Bones but Kyungsoo’s hand is slipping into his. Something lodges in Jongin’s throat, Kyungsoo’s hand heavy in Jongin’s, fingers fitting through the gaps of Jongin’s. He stares at their hands, Kyungsoo’s thumb tracing over Jongin’s wrist, circling the jut of bone.
Nothing’s ever felt quite so right to Jongin before. Not dancing until his legs feel like jelly, not staying up with Lu Han until four in the morning watching Lord of the Rings, nothing. It terrifies him.
Kyungsoo has Jongin’s hand in his lap, free hand tracing absentminded patterns into Jongin’s skin. It’s incredibly distracting, and Jongin’s definitely not paying attention to the movie anymore, attempting to make sense of Kyungsoo.
“I wasn’t aware the movie was playing on my face, Jongin,” Kyungsoo says quietly, turning his head toward Jongin slowly, mouth curled into a smirk. They’re so close, Kyungsoo’s right there, and Jongin’s first kiss was with Jung Soojung in Sehun’s backyard when he was thirteen. His heart hadn’t beat this fast, nor had he turned beet red for quite the same reasons.
Kyungsoo’s lips are softer than anything Jongin could have imagined, everything around Jongin suddenly turning to silence as Kyungsoo’s fingers wrap around the back of Jongin’s neck. It’s tentative, careful, the tremble in Jongin’s hand absorbed by Kyungsoo as soundlessly as the sigh Jongin lets out. He presses in a little harder, heat coiling in his gut, toes curling as Kyungsoo sucks softly on Jongin’s upper lip, tongue swiping over Jongin’s lower seconds later.
“Hyung,” Jongin shudders, pulling away when he can’t seem to suck air past the thickness in his throat, the sudden realisation of what he’s done hitting him like a freight train. There was no going back now. There was just this.
“Hey, you okay?” Kyungsoo says softly, thumb tracing down Jongin’s jaw. Jongin stomach twists awfully, barely capable of swallowing down a rising sense of dread.
“Yeah,” Jongin breathes, giving Kyungsoo his best smile. He’s overthinking, per usual. Everything was going to be okay. Kyungsoo had kissed him, after all.
Kyungsoo only hums, drawing back, but he squeezes Jongin’s hand, doesn’t let go the rest of the night, not until Jongin has to leave, the lump in Jongin’s throat growing three times bigger in the hour that passes.
When Kyungsoo leans against the door as Jongin puts on his shoes, desperately trying to hide the tremble in his hands, Kyungsoo zips up Jongin’s jacket for him. He presses a kiss against Jongin’s cheek, and smiles reassuringly, eyes a little sad.
“I don’t mind waiting a little longer, Jongin, but you have to trust me. I like you just the way you are, I always have.”
Jongin doesn’t know what to say, feeling closer to throwing up so he does the only thing he can. He leaves.
Jongin nearly has a panic attack in the elevator, isn’t quite sure how he makes it home. But he does, stumbling inside, breathing finally steady again. He doesn’t feel ready for this, doesn’t think he’s good enough, and his chest is squeezing tighter and tighter around his heart, his lungs. He sinks against the back of the door, willing himself not to cry.
“Jongin?” Lu Han’s voice is far off, the sound of footsteps booming louder and louder, until Jongin thinks he can see every resounding step flash red behind his eyes. “Hey, Jongin, are you okay?”
How many times was Lu Han going to have to deal with Jongin falling apart? How many times would Kyungsoo? Jongin didn’t want to do this to someone.
“Jongin?” Lu Han sounds frantic, kneeling in front of Jongin as he attempts to get Jongin to look up at him, hands finding Jongin’s somehow.
“I’m okay,” Jongin finally rasps, tears slipping down his cheeks despite his efforts to keep them in. “I’m okay.” He knows Lu Han isn’t convinced, knows he’s saying this for himself but he doesn’t know what else to say. It’s not like Lu Han could make everything go away.
“Look at me,” Lu Han instructs and Jongin does, too tired to feel ashamed of crying. “I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere, and you don’t need to be okay. You can be everything you feel and I’m going to be right here the entire time.”
Jongin shakes as he cries, Lu Han pulling him into a hug.
And he’s right there when Jongin stops, hand smoothing down Jongin’s arm over and over.
Jongin goes to class, and to work, and spends the rest of his time holed up in his room. Lu Han tells Yixing he might miss a few classes, assuring Jongin that he only told Yixing Jongin has a bad case of strep throat. Yixing sends a light chicken broth home with Lu Han every time they see each other, and Jongin only feels worse.
There is only so much stupidity Jongin’s friends needed to deal with. Jongin hadn’t even explained anything to Lu Han yet, allowing him to think that Kyungsoo had broken Jongin’s heart or something.
It’s not until he’s managed to crawl out of his bed to spread out over Lu Han’s that Lu Han asks about what happened, a bowl of cereal in hand.
“Kyungsoo kissed me,” Jongin says, voice muffled by the pillow he’s attempting to hide his face in. “Everything felt too real, so I kind of panicked.”
“It felt too real?” Lu Han repeats, looking like he wanted to punch Jongin in the face. Jongin didn’t blame him. “Jongin.”
“I know, I’m a loser,” Jongin confesses. He rolls over, running a hand through his hair.
“No, you’re not,” Lu Han sighs, sticking his cereal bowl on the small table he’d bought since moving into the apartment. It was littered with empty cans and scraps of paper. “I don’t even know what you are. Do you not like Kyungsoo anymore?”
“No, he’s...I don’t even know how long I’ve liked him, okay. But that’s the thing; I’ve known him for so long. He’s really important to me.”
“And being in a relationship will...what? Make him less important?” Lu Han sounds exasperated, rightfully so. Jongin’s pretty tired of himself, too.
“What if I lose him as a friend? What if I screw one more thing up? I don’t even know why he likes me,” Jongin sighs, staring at the ceiling again. Jongin had stuck glow in the dark stars to it, so Lu Han had something to stare at when he couldn’t fall asleep.
“One failed audition doesn’t make you a failure, Jongin,” Lu Han asserts, giving Jongin a firm look.
“Everything went to shit after it though,” Jongin mumbles. His mother had been so disappointed, and somehow in the universe where Jongin didn’t screw up getting into K-ARTS, he was still friends with Sehun. He didn’t hate everything quite so much.
“Tomorrow you’re going out with me and Yixing, and I’m gonna tell Yixing what a liar you are so he can kick your ass,” Lu Han tells him, leaving Jongin on the bed as he heads toward the bathroom.
“Yixing-hyung wouldn’t hurt a fly!” Jongin yells back. “And he loves me!”
Jongin’s afraid of a lot things: birds, the impending doom of a future oil crisis, aliens taking over the planet, blackouts, the ever frightening future, but Kyungsoo is something different altogether. He can’t run away from a single person forever, least of all someone who he values as a friend. He didn’t want to lose someone so important to him, and even if Jongin really fucking liked Kyungsoo, there was no guarantee they’d still stay friends if things didn’t work out.
And that was the most terrifying thing of all.
The rooftop is empty, Jongin wandering over to the edge aimlessly. He doesn’t know what he’s doing here, wind heavier than usual as it whips Jongin’s hair around. His school uniform isn’t warm enough, a chatter settling in Jongin’s teeth as he peers over the edge of his high school. Jongin likes heights, likes looking down and out and across at the vastness of the world. Somehow it’s comforting.
The wind slows down suddenly, the calm in Jongin’s heart replaced by curiosity. He glances around, watches as everything seems to dull out, the brightness of the sun washing out so quickly, and Jongin’s terrified of turning around. It’s there, it’s always there.
There’s nowhere to run. The rooftop is shrinking, mutating grey slabs of cement into black marble, and Jongin’s in the endless tunnel again. But he’s rooted to the spot, unable to get his legs moving. It’s coming, so close, something vile and horrifying ready to swallow Jongin up.
“Jongin!” The voice seems to snap him out of his daze, bolting toward the direction he’d heard his name come from. He runs faster, the voice repeating his name, calling out. The thing behind him is slow this time, slower than it ever has been, and everything flickers around him, morphing into snapshots of his apartment, his bedroom, until everything stops and Jongin stumbles, crashing forward.
“Jongin?”
Jongin looks up to find Kyungsoo, tossing a panicked glance behind himself, only to find nothing. When he looks back at Kyungsoo, he’s gone, and Jongin is sitting in his room, drenched in sweat, blood rushing to his head.
“Where are we going?” Jongin asks Lu Han for the tenth time, regretting his lack of socks. November is freezing, as if coming back with a vengeance and the desire to freeze Seoul over.
“I told you it was a surprise,” Lu Han answers, punching Jongin in the arm, the most obvious way to get Jongin to shut up, apparently. It doesn’t work, obviously, and Jongin proceeds to whine about how cold he is and how awful Lu Han is until Lu Han finally stops in front of a noraebang, smiling smugly as he drags Jongin in.
“No, I hate singing! You know I can’t sing,” Jongin whines, dragging his feet as Lu Han pulls Jongin toward one of the rooms. When they enter, Yixing’s already there, fidgeting with the karaoke machine.
“Jongin!” he exclaims, clambering up to give Jongin a full bodied hug. Jongin’s a little dazed, surprised at how much he’s missed Yixing, arms wrapping around him tightly. Lu Han shuffles past them, plopping down on one of the couches. “I missed you. Classes weren’t the same with you.”
“I’m sorry about lying,” Jongin mumbles.
“It’s alright, liking people is hard. I’m just glad you’re doing a little better,” Yixing smiles, tugging into the room. Lu Han pulls out the six pack of beer he’d snuck in, grinning satisfyingly as he pops open a can.
“You were supposed to be mean to him,” Lu Han sighs at Yixing, who grabs the beer in Lu Han’s hand and takes a sip.
“I was going to try but then I saw his adorable face again,” Yixing coos, pinching Jongin’s cheek. Jongin pushes his hand away, huffing, eyes narrowing at Lu Han who’s snickering at Jongin’s embarrassment.
“I’m not singing until I’m drunk,” Jongin informs them, leaning back against the couch and waiting for either Yixing or Lu Han to kickstart this night of fun, as Lu Han had called it.
In the end, Lu Han goes first, predictably selecting DBSK’s Mirotic, Lu Han’s self-declared Best Song Ever. Jongin, despite knowing all the lyrics, refuses to join him, even after persistent jabs in the side from Yixing and a kick from Lu Han. Enthused, Lu Han decides to sing another song, already lost to the world of high notes and dramatics.
“Lu Han told me about everything. I hope that’s okay,” Yixing says, as they watch Lu Han attempt to sing and dance at the same time, Jongin laughing when Lu Han nearly trips.
Jongin shrugs, smiling at Yixing. “It saves me the trouble.”
“How’re you feeling?”
“Like I’ve been ignoring all of Kyungsoo’s texts and calls for a week. Possibly, also, like I’ve screwed everything up as I predicted,” Jongin answers. Jongin wishes he didn’t sound so pathetic.
‘You haven’t screwed anything up,” Yixing assures him. “He likes you, right?”
“Well, he said he did, and then I ran away,” Jongin laughs self-deprecatingly. Lu Han pauses in the middle of his rendition of Rising Sun, sending them a thumbs up before he chugs from the beer Yixing’s left on the table. Jongin wonders how purposeful the action is, holding back a smile.
“And you like him?”
Jongin licks his lips, wishing he knew what to do with his hands. He squeezes his thighs, eyeing the beer on the table. “Yeah, a lot.”
Possibly I love him, Jongin wants to say, but that’s a lot to digest even if he’s been mulling it over for the better part of a month. The week he’s spent moping has given him a little perspective, Kyungsoo’s mouth haunting him even in his waking moments. There’s no doubt he enjoyed the kiss, or that he wants to maybe kiss him a lot more. Fear just had a stubborn hold over him, but that fear was beginning to get a little murky. Jongin wanted to be more than his fears.
“It might help to just tell him that. You don’t have to date or do anything you don’t feel ready for,” Yixing comforts, squeezing Jongin in a side hug.
“Thanks hyung,” Jongin smiles, Lu Han finally dragging Yixing up to cover Super Junior M’s Super Girl. Jongin thinks they’re cute, thinking back to how Baekhyun had called him and Kyungsoo that. Maybe he could tell Kyungsoo his fears. Maybe Kyungsoo wouldn’t run away like Jongin expected; after all, he was perfect.
Jongin stands in front of the coffee shop, head pounding from his hangover, but determined that he wasn’t going to run off from sheer terror. Actually, after last night’s drunken fun, Jongin’s more confident than anything else. For the first time in a while, Jongin had forgotten all his worries and lived in the moment, enjoyed the company of his friends without worrying about the looming dread of exams or how he didn’t feel good enough for them.
As far as Kyungsoo was concerned, Jongin had stopped thinking about him sometime between their first attempt at singing Gee and their third. The night had ended on a somber note, when Yixing started singing sad, depressing ballads, their cue to head home.
He’s slept about three hours, and he most likely looks like shit but Chanyeol had told him, half-asleep, that Kyungsoo would only be working until noon, after which he had class. Jongin needed to tell him now or he would chicken out and everything would go to shit again. Jongin can almost hear Lu Han’s exasperated voice telling him to get the fuck on with it.
After taking a deep breath, Jongin opens the door, slipping inside as quietly as possible. He spots Kyungsoo immediately, standing at the cash register, looking a little worse for wear. Jongin feels guilty, but mostly he thinks Kyungsoo looks really fucking good in crisp, white dress shirts and that was wholly unfair.
Potentially, Jongin’s still a little drunk. He really hopes the shower washed the smell of beer off of him.
‘You can do this,” he tells himself, exhaling as he joins the line to place an order. His was a little out of the ordinary but Jongin really hopes Kyungsoo can make an exception.
Kyungsoo’s sticking money into his till when Jongin reaches the counter. Without looking up, he smiles, “Hi, how can I -- Jongin.”
“Hi,” Jongin breathes, trying his best to smile despite the reserved look on Kyungsoo’s features. That was his own fault, he had no right to feel upset over it. Just dumb. “Um, sorry for showing up here but I was hoping we could talk after your shift?”
Kyungsoo licks his lips, looking at Jongin intently before nodding. “I’m done in ten minutes, I’ll meet you outside.”
Jongin lets out the breath he’s holding, deflating with relief. He gives Kyungsoo his best smile, mumbling a thank you before leaving him to his work. He makes it outside, hands fisting into his jacket. For the first time, Jongin doesn’t have a speech he’s practised in front of the mirror a thousand times because confrontations terrified him. He just showed up hoping he could maybe word vomit his way through this. His palms are sweaty, throat constricting as time goes by waiting for Kyungsoo.
He’s about to peek inside when Kyungsoo steps out of the door, and Jongin knows he’s in love and all but Kyungsoo still takes his breath away, still looks like the most beautiful thing Jongin’s ever set his eyes on. Jongin can’t stand it.
“Hyung,” Jongin greets, waits for Kyungsoo to move, to something besides stand in the doorway. He finally moves, grabbing Jongin by the wrist and pulling him down an alley. They end up at the back of the shop, Kyungsoo’s hand slipping away when they’re out of sight completely.
“You wanted to talk?” Jongin’s heard Kyungsoo use his unimpressed voice before, just never at him, and it prickles at Jongin’s heart. He swallows down the hurt, smiling instead.
“I’m,” Jongin starts, wincing when Kyungsoo fixes him with an intensely disinterested look. You can do this, he repeats to himself. Jongin sucks in his lower lip before letting it go, shifting his gaze to look at the buttons on Kyungsoo’s coat rather than the firm press of his lips. “I fucked up. I fuck up a lot, actually, and I was so convinced I would screw up our friendship that I didn’t want to...Even thinking about losing you makes me miserable and most couples don’t stay friends when they break up, and I just didn’t want to risk it.”
He takes in a deep breath, continuing, “I mean, I don’t even understand why you like me, or how you could. Sometimes I get so scared of everything I can’t leave my bed, and that’s the opposite of attractive, really. I guess, I just think you could do better and I don’t really deserve you but I, I...” Jongin swallows. “I like you. A lot.”
Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything, grabbing Jongin by his jacket and yanking him forward until their mouths crash together. Jongin gasps into Kyungsoo’s mouth, the press of his lips hungry and angry and ferocious. Jongin’s chest feels like it’s been cracked open, suddenly able to breathe, the butterflies in his stomach fluttering out all at once, body melting into Kyungsoo easily.
"You don't get to decide what I deserve," Kyungsoo breathes, hand still fisted in Jongin's shirt. Jongin's not breathing, barely daring to blink. "If you're scared, it's okay. I am, too, but I love you and I want you and I need you to believe me."
“L-love me?” Jongin stutters, eyes wide. Kyungsoo nods, firm, and Jongin doesn’t understand how someone who looks so tiny and cute can be so assertive and confident at the same time. He really just wants to kiss Kyungsoo again.
“I, I want you, too,” Jongin mumbles, blushing, the quiver in his hands disappearing as he wraps them around Kyungsoo’s neck, leaning in to kiss Kyungsoo as boldly as possible. Kyungsoo doesn’t let him go until Jongin’s breathless, shoulders colliding with brick wall as Kyungsoo leans closer yet, mouthing kisses along Jongin’s jaw.
“You made me wait for so long,” Kyungsoo whispers, teeth scraping over Jongin’s neck.
“I’m sorry,” Jongin gasps, barely audible. He lets himself enjoy this, enjoy Kyungsoo’s hands all over him, enjoy the softness of Kyungsoo’s hair in Jongin’s hand, enjoy the way Kyungsoo’s heart seems to be beating just in time with Jongin’s.
“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo says, pulling away from Jongin to look up at him, fond eyes betraying his smirk. “You can repay me somehow.”